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1. There was that horrible, awkward stumbling. It felt physically painful, after smooth sailing for so long. Maybe things can't be picked back up over a telephone line. Maybe things had changed way more than she had allowed herself to admit.
While she had always secretly hoped he would call Scranton one day, the desire weakened after a while. What could she tell him over a phone? He had his whole new life, and she was trying to find her place in hers, and maybe that was where they were supposed to be.
It had been weird, as expected. She stopped getting anxious when the phone rang, and with the work day at its end, she didn't even tack her name onto the greeting. And once the tension passed a little, the conversation had been effortless, and easy, and everything she missed about him since he left.
All it took was a misplaced comment to Ryan to mess things up. The fumbling and the strange feeling of not knowing what to do next. Of not knowing if she would ever get to talk to him again.
She wanted to tell him.
She hung up instead.
2. It had taken all last night to pep talk herself into dressing up for him. She woke up extra early to curl her hair, wincing when the curling iron singed the tips of her fingers. She applied her makeup more steadily than she ever cared to, and grabbed the sweater from her mom that she always thought was a little too nice for Dunder Mifflin.
Looking herself over in the mirror, she felt almost confident. Almost like she knew who she was now. Maybe it wasn't her typical look, but she liked it, and she thought that maybe he would, too.
After all, her hair had been curled and she'd been wearing blue that night in May. Maybe lightening would strike twice.
But instead, she struck out several times. She couldn't remember ever feeling more rejected at the end of the day.
As he caught her in the parking lot, she wondered what would happen if she just told him. If she asked him to forget about this new girl, if she showed that she was his and only his and always had been, that these past months had been the hardest of her life and maybe he could make it all worth the pain.
She didn't find out.
3. She couldn't figure out what she was doing wrong. Her hair was even curlier, her makeup a little heavier still, her sweater different from anything she had worn to work before. She had been working on his gift for weeks, so much planning and preparation to give him the perfect window of opportunity.
She was scared that maybe she didn't know Jim anymore.
She liked Karen. She didn't want to, but there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She was funny, and pretty, and clever, and so grateful that Pam was including her. She seemed like a nice fit for Jim, considering that Jim had changed his tastes in everything. Was Karen the clear, pureness of bottled water, while Pam was the sugary, artificial grape soda?
That's what she felt like with this overzealous appearance. This wasn't her. And this wasn't how Jim fell in love with her, if he ever really did.
She knew she shouldn't have been so eager, but his final acceptance of her gift was the only thing close to any of her Christmas wishes coming true. He'd smiled at her like he used to.
She almost told him, right then, that she was braver now, that she was ready, and they could start a new year with a clean slate.
But she just wished him a Merry Christmas, and hoped that maybe she'd get courage on Christmas morning.
4. The entire week had just felt so right. So many things had been just like old times, so many moments she just wanted to grasp in her hand and hold on to. It had been too long.
She wasn't even going to tell him about the art contest. It was something she did, finally, all on her own, and she was proud. But when everyone else belittled her accomplishment, the back of her mind was echoing one person who would always be proud of her.
She savored the quick touch against her palm when he high-fived her. His smile was so radiant that she wanted to enter a hundred more contests, just to see if he'd react this way if she won again. It was the most they'd spoken in days.
And when he asked her to prank Andy with him, it took so much strength to fight back a huge grin. He was giving her attention, finally, and she hated that maybe, deep down, she was hoping that he was having a rough patch with Karen. She had spotted some tension but thought it was her own imagination. But maybe...
Dwight was beating the piñata furiously with the broom, so much so that it cracked. He went on a killing spree around the office, hitting every piñata within range, but all she was aware of was his shoulder brushing against hers. She turned to look at him with a smile, thinking maybe this was the right moment. The high five, the pranks, the talking.
Maybe she could tell him.
When he looked back at her, his smile was weary, half hearted, and too quick.
Maybe not.
5. There were times, occasionally, where she wanted to hear it. But she wouldn't dare think of saying it, anymore. She could barely retain his friendship these days.
No, that was giving him too much credit. They weren't friends anymore.
The entire day at the beach, she had been on the sidelines. Michael gave her a job and everyone ignored her like they did at work. The sunburn tinting her cheeks was the only feeling she'd had all day, and staring at the hot coals, she ached for more.
She wanted to feel again.
Once her feet left the coals, she embraced the pain and felt alive. She wanted to run, to breathe, to finish tying the loose ends and move forward. There was only one way to do that.
She paid no attention to the faces in the circle. For once, she wasn't going to care what other people thought of her. She only cared about how she felt, and he had to know.
The words were on her lips. She loved him, she loved him, she loved him, and she was finally letting herself with no apologies. But she still couldn't say it out loud.
She told him she missed him, his friendship, the way things used to be. Her life was different now because of him. And she couldn't read his expression but she knew that it didn't matter, because this was about her, only her and getting all the weight she'd been carrying off her shoulders.
When her feet hit the cold water, she knew she would be okay.
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Story Notes:
Disclaimer: Don't own them.
Author's Chapter Notes:
A prompt from my bffl Lindsey- thanks for getting me back into the swing of things!
flonkerton is the author of 8 other stories.
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