***

She'd suspected for a few days but never said anything. It wasn't exactly normal for her to be late but she just chalked it up to the cycle change or the stress of her new job. She never actually thought she would really be carrying another life inside her, never in the slightest.

But then there were two blue lines on the stick and a smile on his face that, at any other time, would have filled her completely with joy. He looked at her and laughed and hugged her and asked her how amazing was this anyway. She smiled softly and quietly agreed.

Except she wasn't entirely sure it was.

***

Here's the thing. She never thought she was mom material anyway. She never had that maternal instinct or desire to have a kid when she was younger as all her other friends did. Having the mini-van and taking kids to soccer practice never fit in with the plans she had for herself, never was quite in all the fantasies she had about the future. She was quite content with a long and happy life with her husband and maybe a couple cats.

But then she laid in bed one night with a book and she felt the faint movement in her tummy. Almost like a butterfly, so soft but yet so strong. She brought a hand to her stomach and softly pressed into it wondering if it was just her imagination. There it was again and she couldn't fight the smile. She quickly nudged him beside her and he woke up and she grabbed his hand and held it against her and he stared at her a moment before smiling.

He moved to gently lay across her stomach and started whispering to her stomach and she couldn't quite hear him but as she ran her hands through his hair, she couldn't think of anything cooler ever happening to her.

***

It sucked sometimes. Who likes getting up at 4am to vomit and who likes all of the sudden hating ice cream when it's seriously the best food ever? She didn't like the back spasms or having to fight to keep her eyes open sometimes. She especially didn't like the baby kicking massively when she was trying to sleep, that really sucked.

But every night, since that one night, he would talk to her ever-growing stomach and tell the little boy or girl (they decided to let it be a surprise) how the Phillies were doing or what awesome prank he was able to pull on Dwight or what TV show was on that night. He would always plant a soft kiss and tell him or her how very, very loved he or she already was.

She would always smile and cuddle against him and think about how sometimes, dreams change.

***

She thinks maybe she knew.

Gone was the always hectic kicking, gone was the tiny flutters. She fought it off, thinking the baby was just finally relaxing and that as soon as she sat down, the bouncing would return.

But it didn't and an hour later she laid in bed, an almost empty can of Coke next to her (she hoped the sugar and caffeine would have jump started the baby) and she hadn't yet felt anything. She closed her eyes briefly and pressed into her round belly, hoping beyond hope that the nagging feeling in her gut was just paranoia. No way was anything wrong.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer and softly hit the sleeping figure next to her. He woke up instantly and sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes.

"Pam? Everything okay?" He asked, his voice still rough with sleep.

"I don't know. I think we should call the doctor."

***

He held her hand as they sat in the hospital room. He held their hands to his lips and was staring at a very fascinating picture on the wall. They hadn't said much during the car ride over, except he'd never let go of her hand. She wondered if it was for her sanity or his.

A few days ago, he had brought home a mini-basketball set. Said the kid needed to get a jumpstart on his obvious amazing and inherited basketball skills.

"Jesus," She muttered. "What is taking them so long?"

He kissed her left thumb and squeezed her hands softly. She leaned against the pillows and moved to glance at him, his gaze was still focused on the wall and his leg was bouncing softly and she hoped beyond anything in the world that everything was okay because she didn't think she'd be able to handle it. She wouldn't be able to handle it herself but she absolutely knew she could not handle to nurse his broken heart.

He's had enough heartache to last them both a lifetime.

***

The door slammed behind him she jumped slightly. He smiled, and walked inside the room. "Wow, sorry about that."

The smile wavered and she saw the sympathy in his eyes. The way he held the clipboard in his hands so tightly against him. He sighed softly and sat down in the chair opposite them. He leaned forward and sighed again.

"We wanted to make sure so that's why we took so long and did the second ultrasound. Pam, Jim.. I'm so very sorry but there was no heartbeat and.."

***

She shook her head, crying. "I can't do it.. I can't."

"Yes, yes. You can. I swear you can." He leaned his forward towards her, and kissed her softly. "You are so strong and brave and you.."

She squeezed her eyes shut tight and tasted the salt of her tears. "Jesus, you guys are asking me to push and push and when he comes out, he'll.. I can't.. I can't fucking do that!"

He'll. He. He. He.

They had decided on Oliver if it was boy. It meant "peace." Jim toyed around with the idea of naming their son after him if it was indeed a boy but Pam had long ago set her heart on Oliver. So they agreed on Oliver James.

They were going to call him Ollie. And Olive Garden. And.

***

She decided to induce the labor, telling Jim that there was no way she could even deal with still being pregnant, no way in hell.

So now, they wait.

***

She twirled the cord of the IV in her hand and stared at the floor and thought about about how maybe this was her fault. She wasn't exactly the most thrilled person in the world when she found out she was pregnant. Maybe Ollie knew that. Maybe he sensed that he wasn't wanted and maybe..

"Shit." Oh but he was. He was SO wanted, and SO loved, and she couldn't wait to meet him and hold him and love him and to watch him grow and teach him about life and to be a good person, a good man, a good father, husband..

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand and took in a deep breath. She rubbed her stomach and pressed against it several times, squeezing her eyes shut tight. Maybe it was all a mistake. Hospitals make mistakes all the time, doctors are humans after all.

"Hey you." She whispered. "Hey.. I didn't mean it, you know.. I didn't.."

"Pam?"

She opened her eyes and glanced over beside her, saw Jim leaning against the corner of the wall, a concerned look on his face. "Who were you talking to?" He asked softly.

"Do you think he knew?" She asked, just as softly, staring at the hands on her still round stomach. "Do you think he knew that in the beginning I didn't want him?"

"Come on." He said, walking to her. "That's crazy."

"Because I didn't." She said, speaking louder. "I didn't. I was so scared, Jim. So scared of being a mom and being a good one and being able to care for a kid, another life. I just knew I'd be so bad at it and maybe he knew that. Maybe he decided to give me a break, to save me the trouble. But I swear I want him. I really, really do and.."

She was crying now and he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her to him, hugging her close. He blinked as his eyes filled and he breathed in the citrus scent of her hair and squeezed her tightly. "No, no.." He whispered. "He knows just how amazing you are. He knows how much we want him.."

She tried not to think too much about the fact that they're both still referring to him in present tense. When would it ever be okay to refer to her son as something in the past?

***

They had delayed it as much as they possibly could, wanting to be sensitive to Pam but the oral tablet had ran it's course and the cervix was softening and the time was now.

She didn't think she'd ever stop crying. She clinched his hand so tightly and stared at him, silently asking him to make them disappear. To erase all of it, to make it to where this isn't even happening, just a really bad dream is all this is.

"Jim.."

He ran a hand through her hair and offered her a small, tense smile. "I love you so much. Do you know how much I love you?" He whispered.

She nodded. "Yeah.."

"You can do this."

She didn't think she could. She didn't think she was as strong or as wonderful or as beautiful as she saw herself every time she looked in his eyes, and she was pretty sure this was the single most painful thing she'd ever endure in her life and she was absolutely positive that there was no way she'd get through it.

But she looked at him; the love so plainly evident on his face, his smile, all to comfort her and soothe her and thought about how she knew she didn't deserve him and that maybe if she couldn't do it for herself, she'd do it for him.

***

When it was all over, after the final push, her doctor asked if they would like to hold him, to talk to him, tell him goodbye.

Yeah, she thought the labor part was hard.. well.. yeah.

Jim sat next to her in the bed, and Oliver was in her arms and she couldn't help but smile because he was single-handingly the most beautiful thing she'd ever laid eyes on. He had his dad's nose and her ears and the tiniest toes, and she knew she'd never, ever love anyone the way she did him.

He was perfect.

So they took turns telling him stories about each other and how they met, and how happy they were when they found out about him. They told him how sad they were that he wouldn't be able to stick around, but that they loved him so much- oh, so much- and that they wouldn't forget him. That he'd be with them every day.

Two hours later, Jim singled for the nurse, and when she left with Oliver in her arms, Pam sobbed into Jim's chest and thought about maybe this is what heartbreak is.

***

Two days later after family and friends visited and they all cried (and laughed) together, she left with papers in her bag that were about funerals and death certificates, and they took pictures and he (again) held her hand the entire drive home while she leaned against the car door and thought about how this was not how this was supposed to be.

She glanced over at him, watched him as he drove, and how he looked tired and worn and how he'd been so patient and so strong and good and she could count with three or four fingers how often she saw him show any emotion while she thought she'd never cry again, and just.

God, she loved him. She knew that before and was so excited about having a family with him, to share that love with their children but god, after everything, she didn't know what to do with all the love she had for him.

She decided she'd hold that close to her when she lost herself in the grief, how she'd use him as her anchor and her shore and how she wasn't sure she'd ever, ever be able to get over this, and how it didn't seem fair but she knew, she just knew, that with him.. it'd be okay. Eventually, it'd be okay.

***

She avoided Oliver's nursery for two weeks until one day, when Jim was at work, she opened the door and stood at the entryway a good solid five minutes before she took the plunge and walked into the room.

And she breathed.

***