A/N: This was, of course, one of my first predictions for the spoiler we got recently, about "shocking news" that Pam & Jim would have to deal with together. As it's been discussed, I think this story is far, far from what will actually unfold, but of course this topic is always a first thought when "shocking news" is mentioned. So there ya go.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I'll let them do it!
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You thought of it a lot in little bits of paranoia, just like you thought of other things. If you turned your neck too fast, and it burned, what if it'd been broken? Last week, when you'd spilled wine onto the carpet and it bled into the soft white, what if the landlord dismissed you? They were fleeting breezes of worry, and you knew that, and this was just another one until it stuck.
When you woke up just a few days before with a sneaky realization, you cocked your head against the pillow and counted your fingers. You attempted to brush it aside, but it worried you a little. But a little is just that and soon you were falling back asleep against him, waiting for dreams to push that into the back of your brain. You dreamed of him that day, the details you couldn't remember.
His voice is always husky in the morning, and usually it wakes up against your hair. His lips murmured something and you said it back while you moved into his arms. You both agreed to get up in another five minutes, and his fingers made shapes on your skin. In the beginning, when the both of you were new, this had been an exciting part of the day. It had been your favorite, and every movement between your skin and his ignited something that hadn't been touched in so long. Now it's comforting, promising and complete. It's still your favorite part of the day.
When you finally began to move out of the sheets and stumbled into a hot shower, you came out of the reverie. In the steam and solitude, your head lolled backward and you remembered your previous question. You counted again, and now it was sticking. While your fingers were full of soap, untangled from your hair, you counted again. You applied mascara to one set of lashes and paused. You counted. A minute later, you swept the brush over the other set.
You had breathed out when your routine was complete. In front of the bathroom mirror you looked at your face, trying to draw clues from your funny expression. Did you look like you could be? Sometimes you would write something in the steam on the mirror, because he's always second for the shower. That day you were distracted and nervously busy. Instead, you'd wiped the steam clean off with a washcloth, biting your lip the whole time.
You passed him in the hallway, he in just his boxers and you in just your towel. He gave you a sleepy smile, leaned down and brushed his lips against your cheek. In the small state you were in, you reached up and pulled him into a quick half-hug as he kissed you. The look on his face was questioning, but you didn't notice as you breezed past him into the bedroom to get dressed.
When you dropped your towel, you started to pull items out of drawers and bunch them in your hands. You tossed them all onto the bed, and when you turned around, the corner of your eye caught your reflection in the mirror. Your stomach was as flat as it had always been, but what it could be was intimidating.
You didn't know what to think of at that point, you hadn't fully thought about what it might be like if this was happening. You knew the only question in your head then was whether or not it was happening. You didn't even know if you were nervous, but to think you were maybe standing in front of something life-changing... Plus, you hadn't planned this. And Jim probably had no idea what was running through your head. You'd let him in on some of the little scares you'd had before, because most of them were instantly resolved and usually brought on by thinking too quickly. And they didn't scare him because they didn't scare you.
But this was a world of different, and at that thought, you started to pull on all of your clothes. When the shirt fit snug around your middle, you held your breath thinking of what could be a few months away. That shirt wouldn't work anymore, if that was the case.
The stream of the shower down the hall came to an abrupt hault and you exhaled sharply at your reflection. When he pushed the door open and you were staring at yourself in the mirror, he chuckled. He mumbled something about your expression, and you felt something relax when you smiled at him. Because you probably looked ridiculously serious standing in your bedroom watching yourself breathe in the mirror, and Jim was suddenly standing there, and it was sunny outside.
So you couldn't help but press your body into his when you embraced him again, only this time was real. His skin was soft and moist from the shower, and you felt his mouth turn into a smile against your forehead. You were suddenly glad that you had forced yourself to roll out of bed early enough that day. It was a work day, but it didn't feel like you were going anywhere when you were leaning against him like that. He smelled clean, and you didn't care if your clothes got damp when you wrapped around his naked chest like that.
It was a quick and odd second, when you realized how intimate it was, and a dreamy thought crept into your head. All these moments you thought about the what-if in your life suddenly, and you hadn't even realized the wonder behind it. If it was really happening, it was because of the link you felt right now, because of all the years leading up to what you had now. Because of the being in the body that was pressed up against you now, and that idea nearly made you lightheaded.
When he playfully pressed kisses against your cheeks, nose, and forehead, your hands dragged down his sides and you closed your eyes.
"Ah, you're cute." He shook his head a little as he smiled, before he pulled away from you and moved to the closet. Your gaze tried to avoid the mirror on the way out of the room, and it did for the most part. You only stole a quick glance in that direction because you felt something like excitement in your gut. Which, in turn, made you a little fearful because that was new.
The car ride was quiet as you both yawned, you adjusted the radio dial, and he cautiously maneuvered through the neighborhood streets. His hand rested solidly on your knee, and you both smiled back and forth throughout the drive.
With his hand heavy there, you felt like you needed to tell him. Just to let him know, or maybe you just wanted him to know. Just in case it was real. You tried to think if it felt real, if you really could feel any of it in there, and without thinking you ran your hand across your stomach.
"Hey," he interjected, drumming his fingers on your knee.
"What?" You said it loudly, which made him turn in subtle surprise with his eyebrows furrowed. You shook your head. "What?"
"We should go out for lunch today," he said with his eyes in front of him. "Just to get away from the office, you want to?"
"Yeah," you said nodding, bringing any enthusiasm you could find to the surface. "Yeah, that sounds nice."
"Okay," he said with a slight laugh. He was reading you, and he knew something was going on that day, because you knew you looked ridiculous. Since you rolled out of bed you'd been weird, and you knew soon enough he would ask what was going on, if you didn't tell him.
You exhaled and searched across the concrete that spanned outside the window. When you pulled into the parking lot and he took the keys out of the ignition, you looked up at the building in front of you. There was no way you'd be able to keep it in for eight hours. And you didn't even know anything, it was the step between having a hunch and knowing, really. Either way, you wanted him to know before the day was over with here.
"Hey, I need to talk to you about something," you said with your eyes on all ten of your fingernails across your lap.
He was silent, and you continued because you were sure that, if you'd seen his face, he'd look confused. You closed your eyes and your hands moved with the words you spoke for some kind of emphasis.
"There's a chance, like just a small maybe, that I could be..." You breathed in and out, squeezed your hands into fists, cocked your head to the side, and squinted as you looked at him for the first time. "...Pregnant?"
One of his eyebrows dipped down and his lips quirked a little.
"I mean, just like... I'm usually pretty on time, or whatever, so..."
His bottom lip turned up into his smile and that made you feel inexplicably happy, but you didn't focus on it, you just kept talking.
"So don't freak out or anything, I'm sure I'm not, but..." Your head tilted to the other side thoughtfully. "Well, I mean, I could be but I could not be, so... yeah. Don't freak out, though--"
"Freak out?" He almost choked on a little laugh, which made you smile. "Pam..."
You were still squinting when you bit your lip and tried to predict what was next. You were right when he grinned.
"Pam!" He laughed loudly and reached across the gap between you, and motioned for you to come over to him. You laughed, a little awkwardly, but he seemed so happy, that you were beaming. You felt like you were going to burst, and you weren't completely sure with which emotion, and then he was getting out of the car.
He opened your door and pulled you out.
"How sure are you?"
You felt somewhat sad at that question. That made you feel even more confused, because suddenly surprise emotions were jumping on you, when you didn't even know what to want or think at the beginning of this all. Especially when, traditionally, this wouldn't have been something to maybe be excited about. More nervous because it wasn't planned, or in mind. But when you were looking at him then you wondered if that was typical of the two of you.
"Well, I'm not, Jim," you said with wide eyes that looked all around, then back to him. "It's not official or anything, I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking, just in case."
He smiled at you, then your expression became careful.
"Jim, we're not ready for this, we didn't plan this--"
He calmed your hands from wildly twisting in the air. He threw one of his in the air in front of him.
"We'll worry about that if it's, if you really are." He took a big, deep breath and you did the same. You had so much pent up ready for that conversation, and instead he took it all off your shoulders with a wave of his hand.
"Okay," you replied, and you relaxed again somewhere.
It was a funny piece of time then, because you both grinned at each other. All you could read off of his face was sheer happiness and excitement, and you felt somewhat bad knowing that you couldn't decipher your emotions yet.
"Okay," he said, and gave you a kiss on the cheek. "Explains why you're a little off today?"
"Yeah, think so," you said with a slight laugh, turning to shut the door behind you. He wove his fingers into yours and you walked toward the building together.
With every squeeze he gave to your hand, you tried to steal a little emotion from him. The way he looked then, much more collected than you did, made you almost jealous. You were still dealing with the maybe, you weren't sure if you wanted to find out just yet. But the limbo was kind of scary.
When you entered the elevator, he scratched his head. "Is it too early to, like, take a test or how does that work?"
"I don't know, but I'm not going to do it here." You gave him a lopsided grin and shook your head.
"No, I know," he said with a nod. "I just--"
"Aren't you nervous?" You stared at him, and it made you both pause in thought.
He shrugged, and your mouth fell open. "What? Yeah, I'm nervous, but..." Your mouth was still agape when he ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know."
Your eyes furrowed into worry and he gripped your hand again.
"We're good now, I love you, you like me," he said with a laugh, trying to bring it out of you, you knew that. "Even if we didn't see it coming--"
"I thought you'd be the nervous one, Jim!" Your face cracked into a grin, shaking your head to the side and adjusted the strap of your purse on your shoulder.
"I am, okay, but--"
The elevator doors opened to Dwight with an eye on his watch, and he glared at you as you stepped out. It was enough to bring the conversation to a halt. You both cautiously moved past Dwight, and you suspected Jim had nothing to say to the scene with his thoughts preoccupied. You smiled a little when he rubbed the small of your back before retreating to his desk for the day.
There was a moment in the mundane that gave you a chance to really think. He was talking on the phone for a long time, and he went through a salesman routine. A serious manner, but a laugh here and there that made him irresistible. Even though you heard him going through the pitch everyday, and you'd heard him do it for years, it still gave you that funny feeling deep down.
Of course you were nervous. Jim made everything much easier, he was an easygoing guy. When you started to think about it, his reaction made sense. Every time he snuck you a smile you tried to mirror it with the same sentiment, but it was difficult. At least he understood that. But there was a relief that washed over you knowing that he could want all of this with you. Not that you hadn't discussed it before, but to think you might be standing on the edge of it...
As the day went on, you felt that bubble of excitement, or something like it, rise up in you. Your mind got a little ahead of yourself as the stack of work in front of you grew. Your eyes were lazily sweeping across everything that you tried to put effort into, but suddenly your head was filled with images of things very different than that morning's.
Jim approached your desk to fax something and you shared another smile before you hung your head over your desk again. With the draining hum of the machine behind you, his lips were pressed against your temple. His left hand rested on your shoulder; his right hand warm on your stomach. You felt his lips twist against your face, and you knew he was waiting for you to swat your hand away.
But then you felt it, and you brought both of your hands up to his cheeks as you turned into him. You kissed him hard, which was a funny kiss because he was a little stunned and you were grinning the whole time. He knew what it meant, and hugged you with the same feel. The machine signaled it's end and you felt like laughing or crying aloud.
He reluctantly pulled away with a raised brow, you with a shrug.
You rode a wave that day until five, and every time you saw his face, you saw someone else's. The image of a pink baby in his big hands, or Jim hovering over you protectively; the picture of someone you wanted to meet suddenly.
You got close to nothing done that day, and you marveled at his ability to do the opposite. You wrestled with the idea of making a stop at the drugstore on the way home, knowing he would've been delighted just to hear you say that. You almost sent him an email from ten feet away just to tell him. You refrained, and made a trip to the bathroom instead.
The walk there was very different from the walk back, because now you knew for sure. It wasn't enough to bring tears, but you felt like you'd instantly lost something. You had come to be comfortable with it though, as much as you could in a work day. When you saw him on the way back to your desk, your heart sank, like you knew his would when you told him.
You wanted to tell him before he mentioned anymore about it. It was just a simple smile, and, "I'm not."
He paused before he turned the keys to start the car. "What?"
You shook your head and gave a half-shrug. "I'm not."
"Oh," he said with recognition, and you could've sworn you saw a little disappointment there. He turned the keys fully and his lips turned into reassurance. "Huh."
"What?"
"I don't know, it was..." He trailed off, looking out across the parking lot and back to you. "It was kind of nice, while it lasted? I thought so--"
"It was." You surprised yourself in that second, because it seemed like every time something about it was said out loud, it made it feel closer. Even though not thirty minutes earlier, it had been pushed completely away from you.
He looked at you, and you felt loved; you took his hand in yours. He looked pleased and then watched your fingers run over his.
"I guess," you breathed out, brushing a strand of hair behind your ears, "when it's for real, it'll be great." Your lips were pressed together, attempting to supress the myriad emotions you felt into just a firm smile.
He got that, and patted your leg with the collection of your hands. "It will, you're right." He leaned across the space between you and kissed you.
You couldn't help but recognize the complete ride you'd been on that day. As you found your place against him that night in the same bed you'd awaken in, it was funny irony against the pillow. He was pressed up behind you with his bare chest on your back, his heavy arm wrapped around you possessively. He let out a grunt of a laugh against your neck when his hand brushed over your stomach like it had that day in the office.
It felt right then, knowing that it wasn't quite time yet. You were sure that if you'd taken enough time with a clear head you could've predicted that like you always did. But the part of you that was drifting off to sleep then was sweetly satisfied with the course of events that day. It had been nice to let your mind wander, and it had before, but never when you thought it might've been within reach suddenly. When Jim's steady snore sounded against your skin, you fell into it and your eyes fluttered shut. The last thought that night, and the first the next day, was the feel of his hand still there.
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