Twelve thousand five hundred dollars.

That's how much it cost me to drive away in this little blue hatchback. It should be liberating, having my own car again after sharing the truck with Roy for so many years (not that I ever had anywhere to go). But I don't feel free, or optimistic, or any of those feelings I should have after becoming more independent.

I'm lonely. And I shouldn't be.

I stopped for the third red light on my way home from the dealership. My empty, lifeless apartment wasn't much farther up the road, but I decided to turn the radio on anyway. Death Cab for Cutie. Great. Absolutely wonderful. One of his favorite songs, too.

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how
The clouds above opened up and let it out

The red light began to look like a multi-pointed star as my eyes started to well up. Not here, not now... just one more intersection.

And thousands upon thousands made an ocean
Making islands where no island should go

The light finally turned green as I wondered how much longer I could hold this all in. Everything was catching up with me now, all these emotions I wouldn't let myself feel. This façade had worked all week, since Monday. How else could I handle him not being there?

The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door
Have been silenced forever more
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no

I pulled into my parking space a little too fast, the tires squealed against the pavement, but I didn't care.

I need you so much closer

I wanted to at least be in the privacy of my apartment, but I didn't want to leave the song, not now. He left and it's my fault. I was just so scared... I didn't know what to do. My body started shaking with silent sobs, I was just feeling too many emotions at once. Guilt, fear, loneliness, frustration, love and... anger? Yeah I'm kinda angry. I call off my wedding, take a week off of work to stay with my parents and come back to work only to find out he transferred? To a different state? No call, no email, no note. Dammit, Jim!

I need you so much closer
I need you so much clo-

I turned off the engine and got out, not even bothering to grab more than my purse before slamming the door. Guess this car won't be new for very long. Getting from my car to my apartment was a blur. I locked the door behind me and strode into my bedroom. And then I cried. For a really long time.

My out of control emotions settled in my chest, raging even in their confinement. I was just so confused and frustrated, nothing I did made it go away. Numbness felt like a pretty good option... but every time I slid a little closer to that edge, something pulled me back into consciousness. The sound of his voice, his laugh. The way his eyes saw past the platonic wall I'd constructed and later glistened with defeat. The way his lips moved on mine, how his broad shoulders seemed to melt under my touch. Is this what he was feeling all that time? Is this what it feels like to be cornered into living without what you love most because it's the only choice you can make?

The sobs raked harder through my body. I was shaking uncontrollably, my throat was raw and my thoughts became less and less coherent. And even through the chaos, one line from that damn song kept coming back to me, I just couldn't let it go.

I need him so much closer.