Fact: I'm one of the smartest people you'll ever meet.
Now you are most likely making presumptions about what kind of person would just come out and say something so brazen.
Allow me to make my own little presumption about you. You think that you have met plenty of smart people in your life. Let me stop you and say that these people are not smart, but they are tremendous artists adept at maintaining the appearance of intelligence. Truly smart people are not always artistic enough to present such a facade and, therefore, often remain under the smart-person-radar that you regularly employ. There's also the other thing about how smart people actually perpetrate a large number of stupid actions. Very stupid actions.
Euthanizing Angela Martin's eldest feline companion. That was the stupidest action ever done by this very intelligent Assistant Regional Manager. I kept this tremendous regret as a secret, along with my love for Ms. Martin, for a long time. Secret keeping is an ancient and revered tactic. The late Severus Snape represents a dangerous example of certain consequences. Honorably, I disregard the danger presented by secret keeping. I keep more secrets than the average human, or magical being, could handle.
Divulging more of my own secrets would nullify their secretive status, which I refuse to consider as an option. But under certain circumstances, like this one offered to me by the Central Intelligence Agency, I am willing to divulge my many secrets about others. Considering the hack squad of semi-motivated personnel with which I work, these secrets are bound to be blown sometime.
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Secret #1:
My subordinate, Jim Halpert, who has a long record of disorderly conduct on file with the corporation, is severely inept at keeping secrets. He struggled for quite some time with a secret love for the receptionist. He was obviously ashamed of having such feelings for a subordinate. This shame is something that I could identify with since my relationship with my former babysitter presented similar class tensions. Jim showed definite weakness in allowing himself to fall in love with a subordinate. I chose to hide my slight sympathy, for it would no doubt be a sign of weakness. Weakness cannot fight weakness. In other words, two weaknesses do not put forth less weakness. Schrute's refuse to perpetuate weakness, regardless of its manifestation: big or small.
Jim's secret being what it was, a weakness, first presented itself to my superior surveillance skills during a ridiculous cultural celebration in the office. I think those who enjoy celebrations such as these refer to the festivity as Fat Tuesday. Out of frustration, I abstained from celebrating this inane occasion and remained in the break room to examine the electrical outlets for safety violations.
While I crouched in the corner, wire cutters in hand, I heard Jim enter the room. He proceeded to purchase a soda as he listened to his voicemail on his cell phone. The speaker was adequately audible considering the near silence of the annex area and degree to which my hearing exceeds a normal person's. The caller was a friend of his, named Mark, who inquired about the occasion and purpose of a teapot sitting in the dining area of their apartment. Apparently, the teapot displayed too many feminine characteristics for Mark's taste and he chose to mock Jim for making such an out-of-character purchase. Jim promptly deleted the message and, I presume, returned the phone call. He explained to Mark that the purchase was for the receptionist, yet he had not determined an appropriate occasion to present it to her.
This admission initially struck me as odd until I realized what sort of gesture he was attempting to make. I am privy to Amish traditions in which men often provide their women with warm tea to assist with fertility. The gesture obviously implied that Jim wanted to impregnate Pam Beesly, the receptionist. It takes an acute understanding of human interaction to decipher what a teapot represents as a gift, but I came to the conclusion rather quickly.
To make the most of the conclusion, I patiently waited until the Christmas party in which the tea pot reappeared. It was then that I cleverly thought to strategically maneuver the teapot into my possession as a means to the final prize. It was simply a matter of leverage and strategy. To my knowledge, all parties were ignorant of my manipulation, which allowed me to maintain the secret. As this story demonstrates, I am capable of using secrets both cleverly and strategically.
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Dwight's written submission to the CIA follows. Please enjoy what Pam and Jim affectionately call: DWIGHT SCHRUTE STORY HOUR
Chapter End Notes:
More 'secrets' to come...
