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Author's Chapter Notes:
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The loud and exciting noises of the flashy casino night seemed so far away now. As Pam drove down the last few blocks to her and Roy’s apartment, the last possible thing on her mind could have been Michael’s latest antics at his failed attempt at a charity benefit. There was no way she could think about that now.

As the evening’s events were slowly catching up to her, Pam felt her breath catch and it was all she could do not to faint right there in the driver’s seat. Realizing that driving was probably the worst possible idea at the moment, she stopped the car on the side of the road, and opened the window, letting the cool night air sting her face. She needed to think. As Pam let her thoughts drift, her mind went back to what had happened a mere two hours ago. Heart racing, she recalled the night’s events…

********

“I’m in love with you.” It seemed so spontaneous, the way he said it, like he hadn’t planned it at all.
Shocked, Pam was speechless. Her heart skipped a beat, and she had no idea what to do… or say. Stupidly, she replied, “What?”

Jim spoke. “I’m really sorry if that’s weird for you to hear, but I need you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just…”

Suddenly, she was angry. How dare he put her in this position? How could he do this to her, make her choose? “What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?”

He wasn’t defensive, only gentle, which just made this harder for Pam to deal with. He pleaded to her with his eyes. “I just needed you to know. Once.”

Again, no words formed in her mouth. The only thing she could think to say was, “Well, I… um… I can’t.”

Jim looked down, defeated. It seemed inevitable; they both knew this was going to happen eventually, and they both knew exactly how it would end. Come on, idiot, say something, Pam thought to herself. “You have no idea—”

“Don’t do that,” he interrupted.

“--how much your friendship means to me,” she finished. Automatically, Pam regretted saying this. How could she be turning him down, when all she could think of for the past months was kissing him, touching every part of him… loving him.

“C’mon. I don’t want to do that. I want to be more than that.” Pam may have been imaging it, but she thought she saw Jim’s beautiful green eyes start to tear up.

As much as she ached to tell him she felt the same way, Pam fought it. Think of Roy. Think of the man you love. The man you’re going to marry. “I can’t. I’m really sorry… if you misinterpreted things. It’s probably my fault.” She hated herself at the moment. She hated that she had led Jim on, had let him become this sad and desperate person who could only be happy if he was with her. She hated that she wanted to dry his tears and kiss him all over. She hated that he wasn’t saying anything.

Eventually, Jim broke the silence. “Not your fault. Sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.” And with a final, poignant glance at her, he walked away.

********

This could not be happening to her. You are getting married, Pam. Suddenly, she was shaking. How could she go home and face Roy, after what she had done? I am a terrible, terrible person, she mentally scolded herself. As if Jim’s confession hadn’t been enough, what had occurred after was what Pam was so distraught about. Although she tried with all her might not to think about it… Oh who was she kidding? She had loved it. She’d loved every glorious second of that amazing kiss.


********

In a daze, Pam was frozen in the spot where Jim had left her in the empty parking lot. She was getting cold, and decided, if anything, she had better go inside. Having no inclination of facing her fellow co-workers, she walked into the Scranton Business Park, where no one would possibly be at this time of night.

Pam needed to talk to someone. She felt so damn alone. Whenever she needed to vent, her obvious choice was J… but she couldn’t think about that now. The only other person that came to mind was her mom. Pam’s mother had always been there for her, never judging, and always giving good advice. Seeing that it was her only option, Pam climbed the stairs up to the Dunder Mifflin office and opened the door. She walked over to Jim’s phone and dialed her mother’s number. Ringing the phone cord between her hands, she waited impatiently for her mom to pick up.

“Hello?”

Thank goodness. “Mom?” And with tears streaming down her face, she told her mother the whole story. Not once did Pam’s mother interrupt. When Pam finished, she said, “Well, did you tell him how you feel?”

“No, I didn’t know what to say.”

“Do you think anything’s going to happen between you two?”

Honestly, Pam didn’t know. “Um, I don’t know, Mom. He’s my best friend.”

And then she asked the question that Pam had been asking herself so many times. “Are you in love with him?” The question that she had for so long tried to avoid. But it was time to stop playing games.

Voice cracking, Pam finally admitted what she had been holding back. “Yes, I think I am.”

Before her mother could say anything else, Pam heard someone come into the office. She jumped, and when she looked up, her heart dropped into her stomach and her pulse quickened. It was Jim. “Um, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later,” she told her mom. Without waiting for a response, she hung up the phone. Facing Jim, she was once again frozen.

He hesitated for a second, and then got a look of determination in his eyes. When he walked up to her, she was expecting him to tell her off, maybe confess his love again, say more of those beautiful words that came out of his beautiful mouth. But he did the one thing that she did not expect.

He automatically puts his arms around her, embracing her in a way that nobody ever had, as if she were the only important thing in the world. Without hesitation, he kissed her passionately. It took her a second, but she realized that she wanted this too. She hesitantly kissed him back, but then all sense left her and the world was forgotten. All that mattered was Jim, and this kiss. She slowly raised her arms and held his shoulders, then tightly grasped them around his neck, putting her fingers through his hair. They seemed to sway back and forth, moving together as if it were the most natural thing in the world. The kiss may have lasted several minutes… or several seconds… there was no way of knowing. All she knew was that it was like no other feeling when they were in each other’s embrace. And she also knew that when it ended, she was only begging for more.

As he leaned in again, the real Pam came back. “Jim,” she stopped him. A conversation may have ensued; she could not have been sure. All she could focus on was the emerald green abyss that was Jim’s eyes. And he asked her what she never wanted to hear.

“You’re really going to marry him, aren’t you?”

She nodded. Though her insides screamed the opposite of what she was saying, Pam had to do what was right.

“Okay,” he said. And for the second time that night, she had lost Jim forever.
Chapter End Notes:
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