I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I have been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I don't know how he's ever going to be able to forgive me.
All I wanted in life was for things to be simple. Normal. Uncomplicated. Consistent. I had that for a long time, you know? An easy life where I just went to work and came home, made dinner for myself and my fiancé', occasionally slipping into a bubble bath after the dishes were done. We went to the lake every Saturday, and I made spaghetti every Wednesday, and it was a well known fact that the guys would be over for a full day of football on Sundays. And sometimes I would paint...
And I was OK for so long. Content for so long.
My mother liked to say that even as a child, I looked at life through rose colored glasses. She said she'd watch me chasing butterflies with pure joy registered on my face, and it was as if nothing could make me happier. I guess that's why I never saw him coming. Or why I never imagined my life would end up like this.
I just... I just can't do it anymore. With the wedding in just a few days, and he's gone, and I think about him constantly, more than I should after what he did, but I do, and God, I miss him. I think about his smile and his laugh and the calming way about him, and I want him to come home. I want him to come back to me. But I said no, and I looked him in the eyes and told him he misunderstood, and God, the way that tear rolled down his cheek, sliding down the crease of the corner of his beautiful mouth, the place where those words tumbled out like sweet symphony music. I said no, and the next day his desk was empty, and I couldn't breathe. Like I was literally having a heart attack, my heart racing and my forehead sweating, and it felt like everything was entirely too warm, and the world was going too slow. Like I was caught in the center of a hurricane, directly in the eye, where everything is calm, silent, understanding. While outside the storm is raging and everything has been turned upside down and if you move left, you're gone. If you move right, you're gone. There's nowhere to go and nothing to do but sit back and wait for the inevitable. Because the hurricane is going to move one direction or another. And you're going to be lost no matter what.
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I never saw him coming because it was easier to continue to watch the world pass by in shades of pink than to admit to myself that things weren't perfect, never had been, and never would be. It was easier to smile and nod than to accept that this is what had become of me - with a third of a carat diamond on my left hand and a fiancé who had no idea what I wanted in life. With parents who were just content, flat lined in their relationship, and a job that paid the bills, but wasn't exactly stimulating. But the fact of the matter is that it was my life. It was going home to a two bedroom first floor apartment on the west side of town. It was practicing writing "Pamela Anderson" without physically wanting to vomit. It was imagining little boys in navy blue football uniforms. And I couldn't do it anymore. Not after an impassioned plea and a single tear and years of wanting and wishing, and knowing I could never have.
I'd always looked to my mother for her support and guidance in relationships, not understanding for so long the juxtaposition between hers and mine. I could see the pain in my mother's eyes when she realized that my life had become so much like hers. So wrapped up in someone else that she barely knew where she started and my father began, where Roy started and I finished. It was probably so obvious to outsiders, to people looking inward on the Beesly women, with an understanding nod and a wistful gaze. But it was what I grew up with staring at, what I felt was normal, what I felt was right.
He had given me the desire to want more in my life. To go to art school. To paint more, to draw more. To buy the more expensive pastels because my artwork deserved it. I could be somebody. I could be more than that.
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days aren't gone?
I loved Roy. Truly, I did. Really, I still do.
But every night when I fell asleep I dreamt of someone else's arms around me. It's why every night after Casino night I've woken up in tears, because I said no and he went away. I know this is the right thing to do because I can't even look at my wedding dress without imagining taking a pair of kitchen shears to it, mangling it so it can look as horrible as I feel. I know this is the right thing to do because when I think about walking down the aisle, I feel regret pouring over me like thick molasses, dark and heavy, from a perpetual rain cloud following me everywhere I go.
I need to do this because it isn't fair to me, and it isn't fair to Roy, and it isn't fair to our families, or our friends, or anyone involved.
And that's why it's so hard. Because I love his sister like she was my own. Because I know his brother like a true sibling would. Because I know his cousins and his aunts and uncles and grandparents and nieces and nephews and friends and old roommates and there are so many people invested in this relationship. Not just me. Not just Roy. How the hell am I supposed to just end this? How do I cut the ties that bind us, like muscles in a body. They intertwine to create an even movement, a steady flow, and with one packed bag, I can destroy that. I tear apart the memories we have and the dreams we created and it all ends right here, right now.
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I only have one suitcase and I fill it to capacity when I decide to leave. I should have been filling it with bathing suits and suntan lotion for our honeymoon at the beach, but instead I'm sliding in button up shirts and sensible skirts and a pair of hideous black shoes that I have no idea why I purchased them. I know he's sitting on the couch watching the game, and I take a deep breath and let it out, and it's like exhaling 10 years worth of pent up knowledge of dysfunction. I look around our bedroom one more time, smoothing the comforter, stretching it over the mattress, and I wonder if he'll change the pale blue for something more masculine when I'm gone. It's almost comforting.
I need to leave, and I need to do it now. It feels as if my feet are cemented to the ground, but I think about pranks on Dwight and graphic design courses and girls named Katy and "I'm taking you all in" and my feet are suddenly propelling me forward and my life is about to change forever. And that's OK. Because I deserve that. Because I need that in my life. Because I couldn't look at the world through rose colored glasses anymore, because I knew too much about what was out there that I wanted. That I deserved.
And I’m moving on.
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I was listening to "I'm Movin' On" by Rascal Flatts at work, bored out of my mind. And this was created.
The Office and Rascal Flatts are not mine. At all.
---
---
---
The Office and Rascal Flatts are not mine. At all.
---
---
---
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading (and reviewing!) :)
