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Author's Chapter Notes:

This is for GreenFish even though I'm not sure it's exactly what she was looking for.  I kept it VERY vague - because I don't want to taint my image of what it will be like when (You hear me writers???  WHEN!) it actually happens.

It was certainly cathartic - in any event.

I thought of this song when I wrote it, as a nod to Disney (because it fits what I hope Pam is feeling and because I've lived the last 2 weeks in the Magic Kingdom) and because it's a great song for an alto. 

Being one myself I know those are few and far between. ;)

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Too Late?

She shouldn’t be surprised.

When Pam learned that Jim would be back in the office again she barely slept the night before he returned.  She wondered if it could turn out to be like the day she first met him - if they could possibly fall back into that easy way they had with each other. If they could start new, with a clean slate, if they could make it like it was before she came to long for his smile and look forward to his visits to her desk. If it could be like before she found herself turning to him whenever she was bored, frustrated, upset or overjoyed. 

Maybe it could be like before he told her he loved her - and she'd told him next to nothing.

Pam stood in front of her closet and her hand fell on the blouse she'd bought and modelled for Kelly and Phyllis one day at lunch.  She decided against it.  If she was going to strive to make it seem like "before" she shouldn't change much.  She should just put out the same jellybeans, fix her hair the same way, wait until 5:15 to do her faxes so that she could have an excuse to take the elevator with him as he left for the day.

When she came in that morning she fidgeted in her chair.  She knew there'd be a big meeting in the conference room with a bunch of people from corporate; she knew that there would be other staff from Stamford coming with him, a guy named Andy, a woman named Karen.  She wondered what they were like.  If things between the two of them had ended differently she knew she'd have known every detail by now.  If she'd been able to bring herself to contact him she knew she'd already have the full scoop, delivered in a way that only Jim was capable of.

But she hadn't called him, hadn't written, hadn't harassed him with the winky face with the lipstick.  God knows she'd wanted to, a million times a day.  Each time she saw him log on to AOL her fingers always hovered over the keyboard, her ears always pricked up waiting in vain for the little ding. 

To her continued disappointment - it never came.

She wasn't surprised, she knew she'd hurt him, she knew and that was the thing she was most sorry for.  Because she never had wanted to and it was really the reason why she'd never said anything before.  Because she hadn't been sure how it would end and didn't want him to get caught in the middle. 

Jim deserved more than that.

He deserved someone who was sure of herself, who wouldn't settle for second best, who didn't shove her hopes and dreams in a corner for nine years, who didn't ignore the millions of signs that she was in a relationship that just didn't work anymore.

Jim deserved more than her.

She believed this, wholeheartedly but it didn't make it sting any less when she realized he'd found it.

Karen wasn't like Katy.  Though she could feel a pang of jealousy snake up her spine whenever she was in a room with Katy she realized it wasn't really about the fact that she was dating Jim.  It was more about Roy's obvious attraction to her and the fact that both the men in her life seemed to prefer loose bouncy curls and tight sweaters to untamed corkscrews and cardigans.    

Karen was different.  A thousand times more intimidating.  She was polished and smart.  She didn't know for sure but if Pam was betting she could see that odds were that Legally Blond didn't even make Karen's "guilty pleasures list".  She probably loved Woody Allen movies, probably watched them while drinking the wine she'd tasted for the first time at a restaurant in Tribeca after having shopped all day at Bloomingdales.

Pam watched him with her, saw the smile on his face when she stumbled upon them in the break room, the same break room she used to sit in with him sharing cokes and plots to torture Dwight and just spending time talking about everything and nothing at all.

That is what she missed most - the way he always had time to listen.

She had been willing to give up, to just let him go, to let him be happy but as the days went on she began to see signs that he wasn't…exactly.  There were times she could swear his eyes were on her, times she was sure he lingered by her desk for a few minutes too long, times he made a point to get coffee while she was filling her teapot.

And one morning she finally felt brave enough to find out once and for all.

She stopped by his desk, asked him if he had a few minutes after work, asked if he could meet her and for the first time ever she actually doubted he would.   

But when the time came, he was there.

She started tentatively, not sure what she really wanted to accomplish other than knowing for sure, to know for good what her chances actually were.  She needed to know if the lessons she'd taken the time to learn would ultimately cost her everything she'd ever wanted.

He listened, like he always had, as she tried to explain why she'd waited so long - what had kept her silent - how she really hoped he could be happy and if that meant without her she wouldn't like it, but she'd certainly understand.

Jim listened, as she told him how much she missed him,  how this time away from him enabled her to see what it was she truly wanted and how she knew for sure now what she wanted was him.  He listened, as she said she knew she wasn't ever going to be sophisticated or even all that successful but she hoped maybe those things didn't matter too much and that she hadn't missed her chance. 

He watched, as tears slipped down her cheeks, watched her fighting to keep her breathing even and her voice steady as she continued to say everything he'd wanted to hear eight months ago.  His heart soared, then broke, as he realized that she was already preparing herself for the worst.

When she finished he hesitated, which she took as a sign that he'd made his choice.  And though she felt like dying she made herself stand up straight, made herself meet his eyes and nodded as she whispered.  "I understand.  I sort of guessed I would be too late."

He saw her turn away, watched her hang her head, took a deep breath and called out after her. 

"No, Pam.  You're not."

 

 

 

 



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