“So I have to ask you this huge favor.”

“No, Pam, I will not be the getaway driver at your next bank heist. It’s just too much pressure.”

“That’s not it. Although if you won’t do it then I’ll have to ask Andy and seeing him in black spandex… it might scar me for life.”

“Okay, ew, you’ve made your point. What’s this big favor you have to ask?”

“Well you know how Angela and I are kind of friends lately, right?”

“Yep.”

“And you know how sometimes we with the estrogen like to go out to dinner with friends?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“And you know how Dwight and Angela are dating again right?”

“I’m not sure I know where you’re going with this but, yes, I had front seats to the matinee.”

“You’ve been on a double date before, right?”

“No. Nuh-uh, no way.”

“Jim please?!?”

“I have to sit next to him for eight hours a day, five days a week. I am soooo not spending time with him outside of work too.”

“…Please?”

“Pam don’t pout, you know that’s not fair.”

“Pwease?”

“And now with the puppy dog eyes. I swear, woman, you’ll be the death of me.”

“I have other means of persuasion if you would prefer those.”

“… Can I spike his wine with ink so his mouth goes all black?”

“Absolutely.”

“It’s a deal.”


_+_+_


“Arnold’s house of cheese, how may I help you?”

“Pam?”

“No comprendo.”

“Very funny”

“Would you like fries with that?”

“Pam! I only have two minutes on this pay phone.”

“Delivery or pick up?”

“I hope you’re happy, Dwight is looking at me like I have rabies. If he tazers me it’s your fault.”

“Okay fine. How’s the conference?”

“Hold please, your call is very important to us.”

“You’re impossible.”

“You started it!”


_+_+_



“Pam, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“Well for starters you’re reading the menu upside down.”

“Oh.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? I mean, I know you knew Roy was dating other people but that’s different than running into him on a date. Especially with someone you know.”

“I didn’t know her, Jim, you did. Maybe I should be asking you if you’re okay.”

“I was never really with Katy.”

“And Roy hadn’t really been with me for years, so I guess we’re even.”

“Is this a contest?”

“No, I just… I’m sorry. I know this must be weird for you.”

“Not really.”

“How is that?”

“It’s just not. Like I said, I was never really invested in anything with her. I was too busy being in love with you.”

“Thank you. It makes this seem a little better.”

“A-ha! So it is bothering you.”

“No. It’s just weird. I don’t want you to think I’m jealous or anything.”

“I believe you.”

“Good… but you know…”

“Yes?”

“I don’t usually call people slutty… but she was kinda… slutty.”

“Okay Angela.”

“Ouch. Well you know what? I’ve always thought that the baby on the far left of that poster over her desk looks kind of like you.”

“That hurts deep Pam.”


_+_+_


“When we get to the hotel I have to take a shower to wash this airplane smell off of me.”

“What airplane smell?”

“You know what I mean. It’s gross.”

“Like… clouds?”

“No! Like people.”

“Oh, I wasn’t aware that you usually lived in a plastic bubble.”

“Pam!”

“No, you’re right. People are gross. I should probably stay more than ten feet back out of courtesy. I don’t know how you’ve put up with me so long.”

“Ugg. Too early for banter. Must sleep now. How are you so awake anyway?”

“Coffee coffee coffee!”

“Once again; ugg. Wake me up when the stewardess comes around with the snacks.”

“So you wouldn’t be at all interested in applying for membership into the mile high club?”

“I’m awake now.”


_+_+_



“Okay. Now what?”

“I have no idea. What does one do with twenty unused servings of jello?”

“You’re the one that over-measured, you figure it out.”

“Well we could…”

“Jello shooters!”

“Aren’t jello shooters supposed to be alcoholic?”

“We’ll work with what we have.”

“Or you know we could-“

“Ooh! We should play I Never. And every time someone says something you’ve done, you do another jello shot.”

“Isn’t booze a key part of that game?”

“I’m thinking that massive amounts of jello plus extra alcohol will not be pretty in the morning.”

“Excellent point. Okay, you start.”

“I never… spent fifty dollars just so I could fit all of a coworker’s weapons in jello.”

“Oh that’s how you’re gonna play it then, huh? I never curled my hair.”

“Never?”

“I’m obviously less of a girl than you guessed, Beasely.”

“Damn. I was so sure that a teenager you put your hair up in curlers every night but, alas, I guess I misjudged your hair’s natural buoyancy.”

“Well that’s what you get for underestimating me. Your turn.”

“I never proposed to anyone at a rest stop in the rain.”

“Oh pft. It was totally worth this pseudo- jello shot. And you know you thought it was romantic.”

“It was you proposing to me. Of course it was romantic.”

“Aww shucks. But I never had Kelly as my bridesmaid out of pity.”

“Traitor! I never asked Dwight to be Seth’s godfather as a joke and then played along with it for four years.”

“Actually, technically you played along with it too. Give it up Beez. Take a shot.”

“Sore loser.”

“I never jinxed a coke out of my own daughter.”

“I never nicknamed her The Germinator.”

“She brought home a new cold every week from daycare!”

“Mom? Dad?”

“Yeah Ger- I mean, yeah Lola?”

“It’s three in the morning. And as much as I love you two, it’s not enough to deprive me of sleep on a Sunday morning. Go to sleep.”

“Sure thing.”

“We’ll be right behind you Lola.”

…

“I never got sent to bed by my own offspring.”