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Author's Chapter Notes:
This story is lovingly dedicated to JAMHands! I can't thank her enough for all her support. And to my beta, who has done a fantastic job at keeping me sane as I write! And thanks to Hannah_Halpert for being a wicked awesome cheerleader and supplier of all things John Krasinski related to keep me on track! Thank you! And thanks to everyone who's reading! I appreciate it!
Disclaimer: I wrote this chapter on lined paper with my Dwight Schrute pen before I typed it up. That is all the ownership I will ever claim to have.

Of Jellybeans and Dollar Bills

Pam stood up from her chair, glancing back at the chair that used to be Jim’s. She made her way quickly out the door, replaying the pleasant parts of the conversation with Jim in her head. It was so good to hear his voice but at the same time it was a bit heartbreaking. Pam couldn’t help but recall how hurt she felt when Michael made the announcement that Jim had transferred. He walked in just before close that day to gather his things, without saying a single word to her.

She could remember the way he looked at her as he carried his belongings out the front door. He made eye contact with her for a brief moment, as if he wanted to say something. The look in his eyes nearly killed her. Pam knew that Jim hadn’t yet recovered from their discussion at the casino party, but she hadn’t anticipated seeing him like that. In that fleeting second of eye contact, she noticed the bags under his eyes and the exhausted look on his face. She had never seen him so unhappy. She recalled opening her mouth to say something, but before the words came out, he turned away, walking out the door for the last time.

It seemed like things went downhill from there. Pam watched in horror as Ryan took over Jim’s desk, rearranging all of Jim’s paperwork. She found herself giggling slightly as Ryan tried in vain to figure out Jim’s filing system, but it broke her heart when she realized that Ryan wouldn’t be putting them back in Jim’s preferred order. For a long time, she looked up from her desk, expecting Jim to be looking back and smiling. She had to get used to the idea that she would no longer need to set aside Jim’s favorite jelly beans or exchange Jim’s wrinkled dollar bills for crisper ones that would work in the vending machines. The plethora of blue jelly beans that sat in a Ziploc baggie in her desk and the abundance of pristine dollar bills in her wallet were constant reminders of how much she missed him.

As she drove home, something in her told her to reach for her phone again. Her thumb hovered over speed dial number two, threatening to push it and start another slightly awkward conversation. She let out a heavy sigh and placed it back in the cup holder in front of her as the stoplight turned green. Pam knew that she would take what she could get. A nice, pleasant, slightly awkward conversation with Jim was better than one ending in tears.

Pam arrived home, taking off her coat and tossing it on the arm of the couch. She placed her purse on the table, next to the plastic Blockbuster DVD box containing the non Sandra Bullock movie she had watched the night before. She picked it up and sat on the couch, popping the box open and closed as she tried to remember what day it was due. Her thoughts floated back to Jim and their earlier conversation before she finally let go of the box and walked into her kitchen.

She picked the phone up from the cradle on the counter and started to dial Jim’s number. She stopped for a moment, almost hesitating before she dialed the final number. Had Jim changed his cell phone number? His home phone number had definitely changed, she was positive of that. But a small part of her worried about how she would react if when she finished dialing, the voice on the other end wasn’t his.

The option of calling him was always there. Pam had started to a few times, mostly when something reminded her of him and she wanted to share it. Sometimes she’d get as close as the last four digits before hanging up and changing her mind. The idea of not getting Jim Halpert on the other line seemed all too final for her, and she wasn’t ready to take that chance.

Until now.

She pressed the last button and paced impatiently around her living room, listening to the ringing on the other end. Her heart beat faster and faster as she counted each ring. On the fourth ring, she jumped, startled to hear a voice on the other end.

“Beesly?”

She smiled for a moment, enjoying hearing the sound of her nickname once again. “Hey, Jim. Look, I, uh, wanted to call and uh…”

Pam paused, sitting on the couch as she searched for the words. Why was she calling, exactly? Other than to hear his voice and grasp at the remaining pieces of the friendship they used to have, that is. The silence got the better of her and she started talking once again.

“I didn’t want you to think I was shutting you out today. Ryan came back into the office, and he looked kind of upset. Then he started leaving, and I said goodbye, and I—”

She trailed off again, recalling where their earlier conversation went sour. She wasn’t sure she was ready to admit how much she missed Jim, at least not to him. She didn’t want to sound desperate or like she was faking it. She wanted to sound sincere and honest and open to more conversation.

“I didn’t want you to think that, you know, I didn’t want to talk to you,” she finally finished, breathing a silent sigh of relief when she got the words off her chest.

“Why would I think that?” he asked, using a tone that was almost too casual for Pam at this point in their relationship.

Why would he think that? It was a valid question, sure, but her mind couldn’t come up with any answers. The question lingered in her mind, though, and for whatever it was worth, she needed to put that to rest and start fresh. “I don’t know,” she said, moving the remote control out of her way. “It’s just that we haven’t talked in… forever, and I wouldn’t want you to feel like I didn’t… care?”

“Okay,” Jim replied hesitantly, almost as though he was waiting for more of an explanation from her.

She had no other explanation for him. At least not one that she was willing to admit quite yet. Not one that wouldn’t cause some sort of disagreement or argument or… rehashing of what happened the last time they spoke. Before the conversation at Dunder Mifflin, of course. But maybe admitting that she missed him was a good idea. Maybe it would make things less weird between them. Finally, she found the words in her head for how she was feeling.

“I just feel like I owed you more of a real conversation than we had earlier,” Pam started. “I mean, we talked and everything, but we didn’t really, uh, talk?”

“You do realize that you’re not making any sense, right, Beesly?” Jim teased.

Slightly frustrated and slightly amused, Pam put her head in her hand, rubbing her forehead and attempting to start over again. “Sorry,” she said. “Does this whole thing make sense to you?”

“This whole thing? What do you mean?”

“You leaving Scranton and us just… cutting off all communication?”

The tension in the conversation became more obvious as she heard Jim sigh on the other end. “No, I guess it doesn’t,” he admitted. “I guess I just wanted to give you space.”

“Space? What do you mean?”

Jim cleared his throat. “Well, uh, I figured maybe we both needed some space…”

Pam could hear pots and pans clanging in the background. He was probably attempting to cook himself some ravioli. He very rarely dug through his pots and pans unless he wanted ravioli. “Ravioli?” she asked, almost avoiding the topic they were approaching.

Jim laughed softly. “Stalker,” he teased in a low voice, sending a tingle down Pam’s spine. “How’d you know?”

“You only dig through your pots and pans for two reasons. Macaroni and cheese and ravioli. And you dug so deep that it made a really loud clangy sound. You wanted the bigger pot, which means ravioli. Bigger noodles.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Oh, my God,” Pam said, blushing as she tried not to laugh.

“We’re having a serious conversation, Pam, and you really felt the need to make an inappropriate sexual joke at such an inappropriate time?” he teased.

“I wasn’t the one who said ‘That’s what she said,’” Pam pointed out.

“You’re right. We should probably get back to the serious stuff.”

“Sorry, you were saying?”

“I just figured that after what we’d been through maybe we needed some time to think things out. At the time it seemed logical. Maybe it was the easy way out, but… it felt like it was the right thing to do, you know?”

Pam nodded, twisting the button on her pink pea coat that lay next to her on the couch. “Yeah. I mean… I know I said… and I know you, uh… were you ever going to call me?”

“Was I ever going to call you?”

“Yeah. How long did you think we needed to sort things out? How much space did you think we needed?”

There was a long pause, and for a moment, Pam was convinced that Jim had hung up the phone. But she heard the water running, so she stayed on the line, hoping he wouldn’t be angry at her inquiry. Finally, he broke the silence.

“I have no idea,” he admitted. “I wanted to call you. A lot, actually. I just… I wasn’t sure where we stood. And where you stood with Roy and… it just got easier after awhile to avoid it, I guess. I know that probably makes me sound like a terrible person.”

“That’s not so terrible,” Pam insisted. “I wanted to call you too. I kinda felt the same way, you know? At least with the idea that I wasn’t sure where you stood.”

“So, now would probably be a good time to know where we stand, so we don’t have to have these types of awkward and embarrassing conversations,” Jim suggested. “Where do you stand?”

“I miss you,” Pam blurted. “I know that sounds really dorky, and I’m sure that doesn’t help. I mean, when you kissed me in the office that night, it didn’t help things, but me telling you I miss you… that can’t make you do a click your heels together type of dance of joy. I just… when you left, I felt really hurt that you didn’t tell me you were leaving. You didn’t say anything, you just left. And I guess maybe I didn’t deserve it after what I did, but I still wanted some sort of explanation. I mean, I saw Ryan going through your files, trying to figure out how you had them set up, and when he couldn’t, I wanted to go to Stamford and find you, because it was almost like he was defiling your stuff. And that’s kind of ridiculous to think or to consider, because you left, and we weren’t really on good terms. But I still missed you, and it was still weird. And I still miss you now, and it’s still weird.” She stopped, realizing how much she had divulged in one breath. “So that’s where I stand.”

“It’s a pretty simple filing system,” Jim joked. “From least annoying client to most annoying client. It’s not difficult once you catch on.”

“Jim, please,” Pam said, trying not to sound as desperate as she felt. She needed to know where he stood. She needed to know that someday, things could be set in stone between them, one way or another, so she could move on from living her life in limbo and figure out where to go from here.

“Pam,” he replied. “I miss you too. I just… I needed space, like I said. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. And it’s been really great catching up with you. It’s weird to have to sit in my seat all day without a jelly belly break.”

“I have a bag of blue ones in my desk for you,” Pam interrupted.

“Wow, saving them for a rainy day?” he teased.

She sighed. “I don’t know. I guess it’s just habit. I don’t let anyone have the blue ones but you.”

“But I’m not in Scranton anymore,” Jim pointed out.

Pam bit her lip. Of course he wasn’t in Scranton. That fact was painfully obvious. They wouldn’t be having this conversation if he were still in Scranton. To stop her mind from wandering even more, she turned her attention back to the conversation. “We can’t stay in one place with this conversation,” she said.

“There’s probably a reason for it. It’s not a great conversation to have.”

“I’m sorry,” Pam started, “I probably shouldn’t have called.”

“No, I’m glad you called. We probably needed to start to talk things through.”

“You think we could do that sometime?” Pam asked.

“I’d like that,” Jim agreed.

“It’s okay for me to call?”

“Yeah, absolutely, call anytime. I’m okay with that.”

“Okay. Well, I should return this movie. I think it’s due back by seven, and if I don’t get started now, they’re going to charge me a late fee on a movie I didn’t want in the first place,” Pam said, picking up the movie.

“Yeah, you should probably let someone who really wants to see it enjoy it.”

Pam giggled. “So, uh, I guess we can talk later?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, then. Well, uh, it was nice talking to you, Jim, and I hope we can uh…”

“Pam?” Jim interjected.

“Yeah?”

“We’ll figure out where we stand eventually.”

“I’d like that,” Pam replied. “See ya.”

“Later, Beesly.”

With that, Pam hung up the phone. She slipped her coat on and grabbed her purse, walking out toward her car. She was definitely happy she called, but she was nervous about where the conversation ended up. It seemed so indefinite to her. It was like they were both staying as far away from the idea of seriously talking about their relationship as possible.

She’d give him a call in a few days if she didn’t hear from him she decided as she backed out of her parking space and started toward the nearest Blockbuster. She hoped that Jim’s promise of eventually would turn out to be sooner rather than later, because she wasn’t sure how much more waiting she could really handle.

To be continued...

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