The Investigation
by Steph
Summary: Nymphs shouldn't date stick insects. Boys shouldn't smell like girls. And if Gabe is the New Toby, where does that leave him?
Timeline: Up to and including Counseling.
A/N: Thank you to Holly who told me to write this. And also, I really, really hate Gabe. Also, sorry about that Hello Kitty.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
-----
It was nine a.m. and Andy was already in the annex, hovering around Toby’s desk. Toby set down his faded coat with the stain he hoped no one had noticed yet, his mug of hot tea and his mystery novel before turning to Andy.
“What’s up?”
“It’s about...” Andy lowered his voice and said, “Gabe and Erin.”
Toby sat down. “What about them?”
“I believe Gabe is forcing her to date him against her will.”
Toby nodded. Of course. “Why do you think that?”
Andy groaned loudly. “Have you seen her, Toby? She is a goddess. She is a maiden. She is a nymph, lovely and innocent.”
“Actually in mythology, nymphs aren’t really that innocent...”
“I don’t care about that now, Toby!” Andy yelled. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and said, “Gabe is freakishly tall and thin and has a weird shaped head. He’s a stick insect and there is no way that the beautiful fair maiden Hannon would ever date a stick insect.”
Toby blinked. “And how is he forcing her to date him against her will?”
“Hypnosis. He’s hypnotized her into thinking he’s somehow more desirable than the Nard Dog.”
“Maybe he’s drugging her,” Toby remarked. “I’m sorry Andy, but there’s a conference call I need to be part of in ten minutes and...”
“I hadn’t even considered that,” Andy said. “Drugging her. Of course! Thank you! That’s genius.”
“I was being sarcastic,” Toby mumbled as Andy walked away. He sighed to himself and turned his computer on. It was going to be a long day.
--
“Ew. I can’t believe Erin and Gabe are dating. He’s like gross, right?”
“Kelly, I kind of have to work on something and...”
“It’s weird that he asked her out. I mean I told her to go for it, but I still think it’s weird. No offense to Erin or anything, because she’s super sweet and cute, but she’s not like gorgeous or anything. So not like I’m counting or anything, but that’s like three guys who liked her. Dwight, Andy and Gabe. Do you think it’s cause she’s still kinda new? I mean like the new girl is always mysterious so maybe that’s why all these guys are asking her out. Do you think that if I quit my job and then came back every guy here would be in love with me and Ryan would get jealous?”
“I think that if you quit they would get rid of your position to save the company money.”
And the annex would be a hell of a lot quieter.
“Shut up, Toby!” She put her hands on her hips. “I’m like super smart now. Smarter than you even. Don’t I look smart?”
She was dressed more conservatively than usual, in a suit and her hair was pulled back. “Yes,” he said because if he agreed with her she might go back to her desk. “You are dressed very smartly.”
She beamed. “I know. But in like a fashionable way. I’m not Angela or anything. Ew! Maybe I should go talk to Angela and show her that you can be smart and pretty at the same time. Like just because I’m now like the smartest person here doesn’t mean that I have to dress like a librarian or a nun or something. I should go to Angela’s desk right now and give her some fashion tips.”
He nodded. “You should. That sounds like a great idea. I’m sure she’d really appreciate your advice.”
“Thanks Toby! I will. And you’re right. She’ll so appreciate me. You’re so smart. We’re so the smartest people here. No wonder they have us sitting together. It’s so we can be all smart together in the annex.”
He gave her a weak smile and went back to his computer.
How could it only be ten a.m.?
--
“I want in.”
Toby sighed. “What are you talking about?”
“The investigation,” Dwight said. “I understand you have your suspicions that Gabe, if that’s his real name, is drugging Erin for sexual intercourse.”
“Whoa,” Toby said. “I did not say that.”
“Andy told me you did. Now obviously I am the only one capable of leading this investigation as Andy is too dumb and you’re too ineffectual to manage this on your own.”
“I am not...” Toby stopped himself. He was pretty ineffectual these days.
“I have a plan. First I will be questioning Erin about what she’s been eating and drinking these days. If she’s had any of her own suspicions. If Gabe has been providing her with any food or beverages. She probably won’t know as she is pretty clueless herself so Step Two is pretty much a given.”
“Step Two?”
“Testing her food and beverages myself.”
“Dwight, I can’t let you do this.”
Dwight smiled at him. It made him look crazy. He pulled out a piece of paper from his back pocket, folded and creased. “Why, what’s this that happens to be in my back pocket? ‘Dear Sir or Madam,’” he read before making a face. “Please,” he scoffed. “As if a woman would be fit to be in charge.” He went back to the letter. “‘I am very concerned about the radon levels in the building and think they should be checked on a more frequent basis...’”
“Where did you get my letter?” Toby asked.
Dwight smiled that same maniacal grin. “As the owner of the building I am now privy to all kinds of information. And if you want me to check into your concerns...”
“You’re not blackmailing me.”
“Of course not,” Dwight said. “I’m just saying you let me do what needs to be done and I’ll look into your valid concerns.”
The past owners of the building never listened to him. They never responded to his emails or letters. Maybe Dwight would actually follow through and the air would be safer for everyone involved. Which was very important.
“Just ask her, Dwight,” Toby said, resigned. “Don’t go snooping into her stuff.”
“Never,” Dwight said. And then, under his breath, just faint enough for Toby to hear, he said, “That’s what Mose is for.”
--
Toby was in the restroom washing his hands when the door opened. Gabe.
“Um,” Gabe said. He didn’t say anything else.
Toby wanted to like Gabe, he really did. And it’s not like he disliked Gabe. Gabe had a difficult job coming into this office with its long established hierarchy and quirks, some not obvious immediately, and Toby empathized with him and what he was dealing with.
But Gabe made him feel so nervous with the way he sort of hovered over him and his whole fidgety demeanor and Toby never knew what to say to him. So he was polite but not overly friendly although Toby knew, more than anyone, what it felt like to be shunned.
“Erin,” Gabe said after clearing his throat, “is an enchanting young woman.”
Toby grabbed a paper towel and wondered how to make a graceful exit. He wasn’t ready for a heart-to-heart discussion.
“Maybe I won’t die alone after all.” Gabe smiled, a weird half-twist of his lips that was so unnatural and off-putting that Toby made some noncommittal sound of something and headed back to the annex.
--
“I found this,” Dwight said sticking a bottle of something pink in his face.
“What’s that?” Toby asked squinting. “Hello Kitty?”
“I found it on Erin’s desk. It’s perfume. Gabe could have easily put something in her perfume so every time she sprayed it she’d feel compelled to date him.”
“I really don’t think that...”
Dwight calmly took off the cap of the perfume and sprayed heavily in Toby’s direction. And kept spraying.
“Dwight!” Toby coughed as the fruity, overpowering fragrance surrounded him going up his nose and in his mouth. All over him. “Geez!”
Dwight stared at the perfume bottle, ignoring Toby, still coughing and sputtering. “Odd,” he said. “Who would want to smell like a pink and white cat? Pink cats don’t even exist in nature.” He turned to Toby. “What do you think? Is it suspicious? You aren’t suddenly overcome with desire to fornicate with Gabe are you?”
“I’m more overcome with the desire to write you up for that.”
“That would interfere with my radon investigation, wouldn’t it?” Dwight asked. “Email me immediately if you start to suffer any side effects. And speak in code.”
Toby sneezed. Dwight took that as his cue to leave.
--
Oscar and Toby sat in the break room, books in hand. Pam sat with them even though she no longer had time to read.
“I just like listening to you two,” she explained. “Because the only thing I’m reading these days is Pat the Bunny.”
Oscar was in the middle of explaining his interpretation of a scene, when the door opened. Gabe. The three of them went silent.
“What’s going on here?” Gabe asked. “What are we reading today?”
When Oscar told him, Gabe shifted from one leg to the other and said, “Oh. I read that. I liked it.”
No one said anything. Pam smiled politely at him.
“Huh,” Oscar finally said. Toby, feeling uncomfortable, put his arm up to his nose and sniffed, trying to see if the cloying perfume has dissipated at all. It hadn’t.
When Gabe left the room, Toby said, “Maybe we should ask him if he wants...”
“No,” Oscar said.
“I like that it’s just the three of us,” Pam said.
And Pam smiled at him and Toby couldn’t argue with her. He liked it with just the three of them as well.
--
“He’s the worst,” Toby overheard Michael say to Jim. “He’s ugly and weird and everyone hates him.”
Toby sighed again. He was not in the mood for Michael’s abuse. Not that that ever stopped him.
Michael continued, “Gabe is the absolute worst!”
“You’re talking about Gabe,” Toby said. “You’re not talking about me?”
He should have been feeling upset on Gabe’s behalf. Was he a horrible person for only feeling relief?
“Were you eavesdropping on me, Loser? God. What a loser!” Michael said rolling his eyes. He sniffed dramatically. “Ew! Are you wearing girl’s perfume? You’re such a creepy perv.”
And things went back to normal.
--
“I was wondering how the investigation was...” Andy stopped mid-sentence. “You smell like Erin. Why do you smell like my Erin?”
“Dwight sprayed me with her perfume,” Toby said. He was tired of answering this question. “Take it up with him.”
“Maybe I should be taking it up with you,” Andy said getting right up into Toby’s face. “Maybe I should be investigating you. Maybe you’re the one hypnotizing and drugging her. Traitor! Saboteur! You’re ruining everything!”
“I’m not,” Toby said, taking a step back. The painkiller was wearing off and he could feel the dull throbbing of a headache starting again. “I’m really, really not.”
Andy stared at him before extending his hand for a shake. “You’re right. Of course. You’re doing a wonderful job with your investigation. Keep up the good work.”
Toby shook Andy’s hand. Once he left, Toby said, “But I’m not doing anything.”
Including work. He really needed to do something constructive today. He walked back to the annex, determined to get something done.
Once this headache went away. It was time for more aspirin.
--
Another meeting. Kelly sat by him and said, “One word, Toby. Cologne. It’ll be so much better for you than what you’re currently wearing. Boys shouldn’t smell like girls.”
It wasn’t worth it to explain. The medicine hadn’t kicked in yet. “Okay Kelly.”
The meeting progressed like most of their meetings which meant that Michael was going off on tangents and Jim was making jokes and then Gabe made the grievous error of existing and Michael turned on him, started yelling and accusing him and Toby knew he should say something this second, but it was Andy who spoke first. “And Gabe’s dating Erin. What’s with that?”
“Yeah,” Michael said. “That’s not fair.”
“Why isn’t it fair?” Pam asked. “I’m confused.”
“It’s not fair that weird Gabe gets to date Erin when I don’t get to date Holly.”
“Of course,” Pam said. “That makes perfect sense.”
“In fact,” Michael said, “nobody gets to date anyone here anymore. It isn’t fair to me when I’m the best looking guy here. Except for Ryan who’s maybe tied with me. If you want to date someone here, too bad. If you’re already with someone here, you have to break up immediately.”
Jim turned to Pam. “Well, we had a good run.”
Pam nodded. “I’ll have all your stuff packed and on the porch by the time you get home.”
“That’s so unfair!” Kelly shrieked. She elbowed Toby. Hard. “Ow!” he muttered.
This really wasn’t his day.
“Michael,” Toby said. “You can’t...”
Michael completely ignored him. “This is all your fault, Gabe. You’re weird. You’re like the New Toby or something.”
Toby didn’t know what to say to that. Because if Gabe was the New Toby, then what did it make him?
--
“Well,” Gabe said, “Michael sure is...uh...something.”
“Yeah,” Toby said. “I wish I could tell you it’ll get easier, but...”
Gabe chuckled. It made Toby cringe a little inside.
“You manage to survive okay,” Gabe said. “You seem okay.”
That was hilarious. He seemed okay? Most nights he didn’t sleep. He went to therapy at lot. He took antidepressants. Not that he put all the blame on Michael, but...
“The ‘New Toby,’” Gabe mused. “I guess it could be worse.”
Could it? Toby wasn’t sure.
--
Toby had an email from Dwight saying the food and beverage situation seemed okay and as long as Toby hadn’t developed any sudden urges to have his way with Gabe, the perfume seemed untampered with as well. Erin, however, was not responding well to Dwight’s questioning and Toby would probably have to talk to her.
Toby did not want to talk to her. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Erin. He just didn’t talk to her much partly because he was afraid he’d say something inappropriate.
Not in a sexual way, but in a paternal way. Erin seemed so simple and childlike to him that he was afraid he would speak to her the way he spoke to Sasha. He had heard from Kelly stories about orphanages and foster homes and hospitals and he was concerned that he would ask her something ridiculous like if she had a warm jacket because it was getting colder or if she had enough money for lunch. It was crazy.
But still. This investigation was something he should have stopped from the beginning. He would have a quick talk with her, find out if anything suspicious was going on (which he doubted) and tell Dwight and Andy to call everything off. He fired off a short email to Erin asking for a minute of her time before the end of the day.
Two minutes after he sent the email she was at his desk.
“Is everything okay?”
“Uh...yeah. I just wanted to talk to you. It can wait if you’re busy.”
“No, that’s okay.” She grinned, but she looked a little worried.
“I’m not going to fire you.”
“Swear it?” she asked. “Because yesterday Phyllis asked me to fax something and I didn’t remember until an hour later and she didn’t seem mad then but I don’t think she likes me and...”
“Swear it,” he said. “Let’s go into the conference room.”
“So,” he said once they were seated and the door was closed. “You and Gabe.”
“I know,” she said. “He’s very tall.”
“Yes,” Toby agreed. “How’s that going?”
“Oh! It’s good. He’s nice. And it’s helpful to date someone in charge. Kelly says if two guys are interested in you you should go out with the one with the most power and money.”
Toby frowned. “Maybe you shouldn’t follow Kelly’s advice.”
“But Kelly’s so smart now. She told me.”
“Erin,” Toby said. “If Gabe is using his position to pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do then that’s sexual harassment. I need to know so I can look into it.”
“Oh no,” she said shaking his head. “I’m not being harassed. And he’s super nice to me. He even tried to sing to me once. And it was sweet because he knows I like it when guys sing to me. But just between you and me he isn’t very good. He isn’t talented like...” She stopped. “But I shouldn’t compare him to Andy. He can’t compare to Andy.”
“Musically you mean.”
“Musically. And Andy’s a sharper dresser. I think it’s important to be a sharp dresser, don’t you?”
Toby looked down at his wrinkled shirt and thought again of his stained jacket. “Sure.”
“And Andy’s funny, you know. He does all these silly voices.”
Maybe you should be going out with Andy then, Toby thought but didn’t say. It wasn’t his place.
“Okay,” Toby said standing up. “I just wanted to check up on you. And please, if anything happens with Gabe...if he threatens your job or if he promises you work-related things only if you date him, you’ll come to me, okay?”
“Okay,” Erin said. “I swear. Is that it?”
“That’s it,” he said. He followed her out. Andy was waiting right outside the door.
“Madam,” he said, bowing. “May I escort you back to reception?”
“Sure,” she giggled. She linked her arm with his. Andy looked over his shoulder at Toby. Toby shook his head. Andy turned back around.
Toby walked to his desk and emailed Dwight. The investigation, for the time being, was over.
--
Toby walked to his car. Gabe was waiting for him.
“So...uh, I wanted to ask you about something Michael said and I don’t think it’s legal but I wanted to talk to you before I talked to Jo and...”
Gabe was standing there and fidgeting and Toby stared at him as he mumbled something and thought that Michael was right. Maybe Gabe was the New Toby.
Maybe that was a good thing for Toby. Maybe if Gabe was the New Toby, Toby could be someone new and different.
Someone who had it easier at work and life in general. Someone who didn’t lose at everything.
“Ew,” Michael called as he passed them. “Look at the Loser Convention. You two are such losers. Have fun being losers together.”
Okay. Maybe that was too much to ask for.
Erin came out next and walked over to them. “There you are,” Gabe said. “How would you like to go out to dinner tonight? I was thinking that pizza place we went to that you liked.”
“Sure,” she said. “We can play skeeball.” Erin and Gabe walked off together leaving Toby alone.
He got into his car. The New Toby got the girl (at least temporarily). The Old Toby would be going home alone to an empty apartment, with only the TV to keep him company, counting the minutes until his daughter came over.
The Old Toby would go into work tomorrow hoping it would suck at least a little bit less. Maybe Kelly would be quieter. Maybe Michael would be less focused on him. Maybe Dwight would actually look into the radon situation.
He wasn’t too optimistic.
Maybe he would stop reeking of Hello Kitty perfume at least.
He smelled his arm again, realized the scent wasn’t as strong and rolled down the car window. The cold, fresh air hit his face and he smiled to himself just a little bit, thinking of that small victory, as he continued his drive home.
the end
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