Story Notes:
I've enjoyed the stories on this site so much - thought I'd try my hand at writing one myself. I'm a first-timer so any constructive feedback welcome. Hope you enjoy!
(Title from 'Tiger Mountain Peasant Song' by Fleet Foxes.)
(Title from 'Tiger Mountain Peasant Song' by Fleet Foxes.)
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
It had been a rough day for Pam.
Not ‘I’ve sorta started seeing someone’ rough. This was different. She’d driven home that night in a daze of disappointment and rejection and stared at the wall of her apartment for hours, dry-eyed and numb with shock. She still wasn’t sure how she’d made it to work the next day after hearing that. But if she was good at anything, it was masking her true feelings, and so the mask had taken its place.
It wasn’t Macanudos and Rainbow Connection rough, either. That day had been the opposite of rough, really. She’d been amazed and just…really touched, that Jim could pull such an effective prank and somehow manage to make her feel so close to him and acknowledged at the same time, even if in a roundabout way.
When Andy had sung her his crazy song she felt like she was being serenaded by Jim directly. She’d gone home beaming.
But that night, she’d felt hollow and empty. If the prank brought home just how closely they knew each other, it also highlighted the massive gulf that was between them now. Sure, Jim knew her intimate likes and dislikes, as any best friend would, but where was he now? Snuggling with his new girlfriend. While she ate macaroni and cheese alone in her apartment. And she was pretty sure they weren’t best friends anymore.
But today…today was bittersweet rough.
There’d been the sting of rejection when Jim had turned down her C.I.A. gift, but then there’d also been the fun of hanging out with Karen and merging the Christmas parties and singing karaoke with everyone. Roy had given her a book on portraiture – probably the most thoughtful thing he’d ever done for her – and Toby had looked so happy when she gave him her company bathrobe (she’d told him she’d found a spare).
The thing was, things just felt so…well, normal. Settled. As though this was how it would be from now on. Jim and Karen were together, and happily so. She was alone.
She’d clearly missed her chance to talk things through with Jim.
And Casino Night? It was ancient history, if his behaviour was anything to go by. If he didn’t even want to do pranks with her now, where did that leave their tenuous friendship? Could she even call it a friendship?
She wasn’t even sure. So despite the Christmas cheer, things had been rough today.
And that’s why she was so mutedly hopeful when Jim paused by her desk on his way out.
“Oh, you know what? Sorry, forgot to say. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their Langley headquarters for training and an ice cream social with the agents.”
Pam stilled inside for a moment. Then she beamed at him, her face suffused with happiness at his change of heart. If today had been bittersweet, this moment was the very definition of the word.
He returned the smile with as much warmth, actually holding her gaze properly for the first time in what felt like an age.
How to describe Jim’s smile? It felt like it was made for her and her alone. It felt like ice-skating on Michael’s birthday; like ‘hi’ after a day’s silence; like candlelit suppers on rooftops with grilled cheese and fireworks and dancing.
At that moment, looking up at Jim, she felt like things might finally be okay again. Not like they used to be, but…there was hope.
And that’s when she paused. Hope? What was she doing? The man she should be with – her soulmate, even – was about to go celebrate a Christmas evening with his girlfriend. That was hope? She should have been laughing with him about how long it had taken them to get together by now. They should have been spending romantic nights at each other’s places, watching DVDs together, having microwave popcorn and making stupid jokes followed by long, exhilarating conversations about how much they’d wanted to kiss each other over the years. And here she was, gratefully accepting small kindnesses from him like a bird pecking for crumbs. When did it all go so wrong?
Her smile faltered. This was the part where she should continue the banter, perhaps suggest getting a ticket for Dwight’s mission. But she couldn’t, because it just…wasn’t enough. She started to panic as she realised what was happening, but she kept Jim’s gaze as tears welled up.
Not now. Hold it together in front of Jim, for God’s sake.
She forced herself to speak. “So, we could go through the finer details tomorrow? I should get going…”
She turned away to hide the telltale glassiness in her eyes, packing up things on her desk without knowing what she touched.
Jim knocked on the desk. “Absolutely.” He turned his head slightly to the side. “Hey, are you...?”
His voice was filled with wary concern, which it only made it worse.
She kept shifting papers around in front of her, moving stationery from one side of the desk to the other for no reason. She didn’t look up at him. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. So I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”
Jim exhaled. “Yeah. All right. You sure you’re…?”
She smiled up at him, red-rimmed, but it didn’t work. Her eyes pleaded with him not to notice, to accept the cover up.
I really don’t think I should be doing this stuff anymore…
A tiny tear trickled down the side of her cheek.
Jim’s face drained of colour. He looked at her, frowning solemnly.
He hesitated for a long moment. Then, dropping his bag, he slowly came round to her side of the desk. After hesitating again for another moment, he knelt down to her level and looked at her.
After months of contenting herself with the back of his neck, Pam felt almost claustrophobic.
“Uh, hey,” he said softly. Hesitantly, like he wasn’t quite sure he should be speaking to her like this. “Listen. I’m sorry for being…a jerk today. It was stupid. I just…”
He looked to the side, and shook his head slightly. “Sorry.”
She looked down, wishing she could hide herself behind a wall of curls. She was the one who felt stupid. One moment of kindness from him, and she breaks? She felt like such a baby. Worst of all, he probably thought she was crying because of the C.I.A. thing, when it was really so much more than that. She wished she could disappear.
But Jim’s nearness – the gentle fall of his breath on the side of her face – was overwhelming. Separated from the rest of the office by the height of the desk, it was the closest they’d been to each other, physically, since that night , and she didn’t want him to move.
Slowly, painfully, she lifted her eyes to meet his. They held each other’s gaze. It was the most frighteningly intimate moment she’d experienced in a long while.
Jim’s eyes were wary. There was guilt and accusation and confusion and hesitance in them, but also something else. A willingness to forgive, she thought. Hoped.
Pam breathed in. It came out slowly in the barest whisper, so low that she could barely hear herself speak.
“I am so sorr–”
“Hey! Are you okay, Pam?” Karen stood looking down at them from behind the reception counter, coat in one hand and a Bridget Jones DVD in the other.
“Jim, what happened? Is she okay?”
He was standing, brushing himself down. She was rubbing her eyes, trying not to look flustered by Karen’s appearance and failing dismally.
Jim cleared his throat. “Oh, yeah. Pam’s just…been upset by someone. I was telling her not to worry about them.”
It was kind of the truth.
“Oh my god, Pam. Did Angela get narky again? I thought we sorted that out. That woman, I swear–”
Pam stood hastily, grabbing her bag. “Oh, no…it was…it’s nothing. It wasn’t her. I’m fine, really.” Her eyes were red-rimmed and slightly puffy. She gave a close-lipped smile, but it came out wrong.
“Pam, you sure? You going to be okay getting home?”
“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Honestly….”
Jim was still standing next to her, blocking her way out. She didn’t meet his eyes as she spoke. “Uh, thanks.”
It sounded painfully inadequate after the moment they’d just shared.
“Yeah. Don’t mention it.” He shifted uncomfortably so she could pass.
“Pam, if you need anything, just let us know. Okay? Jim’s got your number, right?”
“Um, yeah. Thanks. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
She grabbed her coat and hurried out, desperate to get home where she could collapse and forget today had ever happened.
The kindness was just about too much to take. Karen was Jim’s girlfriend. She lived two blocks away from him. They gave each other ironic Christmas presents. What had she been thinking? One sympathetic look from Jim, and she just loses it all together?
* * * * * * *
Jim had an uncomfortable drive home.
He’d been doing so well at moving on with his life. He had an awesome girlfriend, a promotion…after three years of wasting his time, waiting for something that would never happen, things were finally looking up for him. He was moving on.
So why were his thoughts filled with delicate red sweaters, and not the person sitting next to him?
Because you still love her.
He couldn’t deny it, much as he’d tried.
Since he’d returned to Scranton, his first instinct had been to protect himself. To regain some of the dignity he’d lost that ill-fated night when he’d put it all on the line (twice). And if that meant rebuffing Pam – denying her in small ways whenever he could – then so be it. Somehow, that had turned into rejecting her in every single measly way he could come up with, over and over again.
But watching her trying not to break down in front of him, trying to pretend she wasn’t crying in front of him…it was too much. He’d wanted to be cool and detached and distant, but he wasn’t that heartless. Even if his instincts were shouting at him to ignore her, to retreat and preserve the cool distance he’d maintained since Stamford…he still loved her, no matter how much he tried to move on. He couldn’t ignore that.
And so he’d made the approach. And she’d looked at him, and suddenly that wall between them he’d spent so long building had fallen down flat. And now he was confused.
Because something in her eyes – something in her voice – was telling him that actually, he hadn’t misinterpreted anything. That actually, she could.
Chapter End Notes:
Hope that was okay! There'll be one more chapter to finish it up. :)
