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Please Leave a Message After the Tone
by Steph

Summary: Voicemail messages he receives while on jury duty. He should probably consider changing his number.

Timeline: Up to and including The Search.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

I think we all know that if I owned the characters, Toby would actually be on the show every once in awhile.

--


“Hi Toby! It’s Erin. From work. So I wanted to tell you I found that file you were looking for. It was on top of a really, really high cabinet. Gabe found it for me. His height makes him so useful, right? You know who isn’t useful though? Holly. You’ve met her, right? She’s so boring and not pretty at all. Her hair makes me sad. And her ears...have you ever seen her ears? I think you should come back soon because your ears are perfectly nice and normal. And the worst part is Holly is just making Michael miserable and if you come back he won’t be miserable. Um...also...I th---”

“Sorry I’m calling again but I think I was cut off, Anyway... um...I didn’t actually find your file like I said. I lied. I’m sorry. I just said that because I thought you might think it was weird that I was calling your cell while you were on jury duty. Oh...are you having fun on jury duty? It looks like it would be lots of fun. Just having a whole group of nice people to talk to all day and making lots of new friends...I bet you’re all having a good time! Oh, Meredith wants to talk to you too...hang on” (the sound of buttons being pushed, a whispered “Shoot” and then dial tone)

---

“So the airhead at reception still can’t figure out the damn phone system. It’s Meredith. I just wanted to say that I agree with the airhead -- Holly needs to go. Mark my words, if that bitch gets in my face, I will cut her.”

---

“Oh, I was hoping to catch you on the lunch break. Pam, Erin and I are playing Scrabble against Gabe. They’re about as much help as you would expect. Erin’s vocabulary is pretty much limited to words you would find on an elementary school spelling test and she will gladly squander a triple word score if it means she can spell out the name of a farm animal. But I...I mean we need to win this for her. I was thinking I can go two different ways with the letters that I...that we have now and I wanted to get your opinion.”

---

In a very bad accent, one that sounds like a mixture of James Bond and Ping:

“Toby. Tobeeeeeeeeeeee. This is the Scranton Strangler and you’re my next victim. Consider yourself strangled. Because you’re so ugly and boring and such a loser.” (lots of giggling) “If you find me innocent, I’ll come get you next. If you find me guilty, I’ll still get you next.” Then in his normal voice, “Oh and don’t come back to work, Loser. Everyone likes Holly better.”

---

“Hi Toby, it’s Pam. I just wanted to know how the big trial was going and wanted to tell you that I found that file you were looking for. Um...Michael had it so.... Also...this is just a weird question but have you ever um... accidentally locked Sasha in a car? And if so, she turned out okay, right? I mean she didn’t grow up scarred for life or anything, did she?” (nervous-sounding laugh) “You don’t think that ever happened to the Scranton Strangler when he was a kid, do you?”

--

“Toby, it’s Cathy. What exactly did you say to Sasha last night? She won’t stop talking about strangling people. Call me back. This will definitely need to be addressed before she goes over to your apartment next weekend.”

--

“Toby, it’s Kelly. So remember a few months ago when I was telling you all about my dream wedding and I showed you all those pictures from the bridal magazines and I know you said you had work to do but whatever this was so much more important and remember how I told you that I wanted bridesmaids and flowers and elephants and the prettiest dress ever and of course I was going to have that because I was dreaming of it since...”

“Okay, your phone sucks. So anyway Ryan and I got married. Which is awesome right? And I know you’re probably all sad now thinking that I invited everyone at work except you but that totally didn’t happen because Ryan didn’t want a big ceremony or one at all and I said okay because he said he wouldn’t marry me unless I would do it without a ceremony and I’ve wanted to marry Ryan for like forever and I wanted to be impulsive because guys find that totally hot some--”

“Where was I? Um...Oh yeah. So we got married so I guess I’m Kelly Howard now which is what I’ve been like dreaming of forever, but now he’s saying we should just get divorced which like what? We didn’t even get to enjoy being married and so I cried a lot of course but then he said it would just be like before except this way we wouldn’t be like tethered to each other and...”

“Stupid phone! So I guess we should be divorced now. So I wanted to ask what being divorced was like. I mean it’s just like being married right? I mean maybe not for you because didn’t your wife already have another boyfriend while she was still married to you and then just decided to leave you? Well, like that’s so not my situation. But if Ryan says divorce is okay then that means it is, right? I mean we’ll still be dating and everything we...”

“Grrr! You need a better phone. It keeps cutting me off when I’m in the middle of my message and I lose my train of thought and it’s like way annoying. So uh...maybe when you come back you can talk to Ryan for me. But don’t be all wishy washy about it - be strong and forceful and tell him he absolutely cannot divorce me because it sucks so hard being divorced and because you’re so sad all the time he’ll totally believe you. Also Ryan and I asked who at work would be on whose side and no one answered, but you’d totally be on my si...”

“On my side, right? Forget this. I’ll just talk to you when you get back.”

--

“Hi, it’s Holly. I wanted to let you know that Pam gave me the file for safekeeping. I have it locked now so Michael can’t get at it. Also, speaking of Michael, well me coming here was a really good thing. I don’t really believe in fate but things really seemed to have worked out for everyone involved. Oh. Wait. That sounds horrible. I mean it didn’t work out for the people who were strangled and I’m not happy about that and I didn’t mean...Toby, will you please do me a favor and erase this message?”

--

“Hi, it’s Toby checking in. I’m sure you’ve seen on the news and everything that we reached a verdict and and you would assume I’d be back to work tomorrow. But the thing they don’t tell you and I didn’t even know was that there’s all kinds of follow-up. I mean lots of...um...paperwork and discussions and things like that, so it’ll probably be another few days or so. Possibly a week. No, definitely a week. Also, if you need to reach me, email’s probably the way to go. I’m in the process of changing my cell phone number.”

--

The End


Steph is the author of 37 other stories.
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