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Disclaimer: no copyright infringement is intended. Also no damage to anyone's brain.

 

 

Unrated

 

 

It was close to six o’clock and Jim couldn’t wait to get home. He tried not to schedule late afternoon sales calls, so he and Pam could take one car to work and do Cece’s daycare run together, but occasionally it was unavoidable. Just as he was at last about to back out of his parking space, his phone buzzed. He expected to find a text asking him to pick up diapers or some other baby necessity. He wasn’t far off; it was from Michael.

 

stop by dm pls. must talk to u.

 

can it wait til a.m.? Jim had replied, annoyed.

 

no. need to run it by u asap!!

 

It was hard to say whether Michael was intentionally being cryptic, or just too lazy to type more words. Chances were also extremely slim that it was either job-related or truly urgent. Regardless, there was no escape when he was this insistent. The alternative to heeding the summons was trying to ignore endless phone calls that night. Besides, the office was more or less on his route home.

 

ok, but HAS to b quick.

 

He dialed Pam to let her know about his detour. She was going to love this. Not.

 

 

*****

 

 

By the time he arrived back at work, everyone had left but Michael. He was still at his desk furiously typing, so absorbed he didn’t even look up until Jim slid into the chair across from him.

 

‘I’m working on a sequel to Threat Level Midnight,’ he finally announced.

 

That’s what was so important it couldn’t wait? Jim almost barked. But he knew the only way past one of these situations with Michael was through it. He was there already; it was best to simply get it over with.

 

‘Good for you. Gotta stay ahead of this thing.’

 

‘Exactly,’ Michael nodded. ‘Of course I’m still the star, but since Scarn is already so well fleshed out, we’re going to delve deeper into your character this time…explore the man inside the monster.’

 

‘Wait. Didn’t I blow up in the first movie?’

 

‘That’s the twist! This time you’re going to play Goldenface’s evil-er twin, Silverhead, out to avenge his brother’s death.’

 

‘Wow. Sounds epic.’

 

‘And really psychological too. Silverhead’s a complex character – he’s always resented living in his brother’s shadow…’ he paused for dramatic effect. ‘Until it was too late.’

 

‘Intriguing. But if they’re twins, why isn’t he gold too?’

 

‘Because he blew up all the silver medals,’ Michael answered, as if stating the obvious. ‘He’s always been second place - get it?’

 

‘Of course, of course,’ Jim stroked his chin, contemplating the concept’s brilliance. ‘So his head turned silver.’

 

‘Yes! Both of them.’ It took Jim a moment for the meaning to sink in. But when the revulsion registered on his face, Michael backtracked slightly. ‘I mean, all of him. His whole body.’

 

‘Ah, okay.’

 

‘Every inch.’

 

Just as he’d feared. ‘Michael, what’s this one rated?’

 

‘Not sure yet. Probably R. A hard R. Or maybe unrated…very arty. Very European.’

 

‘Got it. Tell me more.’ There wasn’t a bat’s chance in hell he’d be doing this one, but he wanted to bring the preposterous details home to Pam as a gift.

 

‘Well,’ Michael elaborated, clearly thrilled by Jim’s interest, ‘Pam’s character was secretly beginning to fall for Goldenface, but she only realized it…’ again, he paused for emphasis, ‘too late.’

 

‘Continuity. Nice. Keep going.’

 

‘So she teams up with Silverhead in his mission to get back at Michael Scarn. They’re in bed together. So to speak.’

 

‘Just to speak?’ Jim asked apprehensively.

 

‘God, Jim. That’s just an expression!’

 

‘Oh. Sorry. Went over my head. But are they or aren’t they – really in bed?’

 

‘Of course. Both metaphorically and figuratively. There are a lot levels here. They have this torrid love scene where Felicity realizes she’s fallen for Silverhead…’

 

‘Felicity?’

 

‘Yeah. I had to change her name from Sandra. She needed one that fit someone wholesome, but surprisingly feisty…with long curly hair. Who’s gone away to school in New York, like Pam. And Felicity. God I loved that show. She should never have cut her hair.’

 

‘So this love scene…’ Jim steered him back on track.

 

‘It’s going to be incredible,’ Michael picked up his thread. ‘You and Pam… I mean, Silverhead and Felicity…just go for it. They don’t care what society thinks, they’re on fire!’

 

‘Literally on fire?’

 

 ‘No! They’re in the throes of passion. Big swelling music, shots of trains racing through tunnels, fireworks… And then when it cuts to them laying there in the afterblow, the camera pulls back and we see that Felicity’s body has turned completely silver too.’

 

‘Uh, this is a nude scene then…like full frontal?’

 

‘What are they supposed to wear, wet suits? Why would they hide their bodies at the very moment they’re revealing their souls to each other?’

 

‘But you actually see them doing it? Graphically?’ Jim tried to sound nonchalant.

 

‘Well, if you call passionate lovemaking doing it,’ Michael scoffed indignantly,then yes. Several times. The precious metal in Silverhead’s bloodstream gives him amazing stamina.’

 

‘Oh, boy…’

 

‘Just trust me,’ Michael declared with conviction, ‘the audience needs to go on that journey with Felicity …and to understand Silverhead’s identity crisis, he needs to be stripped bare. I hate that stupid double standard where the actress is nude, but the actor stays covered up. Not in my films, Hollywood!’

 

‘I don’t know Michael…Pam might have a problem with that.’

 

‘Really? I figured she wouldn’t have gone for a racy…’ he corrected himself, ‘yet sensitive scene with you when Roy was in the picture, but now that you’re married and have lots of naked sex anyway….’

 

‘Not painted silver with you filming us we don’t.’

 

‘It would be a closed set. Just the three of us.’

 

‘And that,’ Jim winced, ‘is even creepier.’

 

‘Oh come on, man…we’re all adults. If creative freedom’s the problem, you two could go off-script, improvise a little. Keep it real.’

 

Seeing that this idea only added insult to injury, Michael clarified.

 

 ‘It’s not like you’d actually be doing it on camera,’ he signed exasperated air quotes. ‘It’s called acting! Although…a little cinema verité could work too…but we can negotiate that later. You wouldn’t want me to compromise my artistic vision, would you?’

 

‘No. No, never,’ he placated Michael. ‘But you know how women are. Pam has these weird ideas about privacy.’

 

‘Okay, temperamental actress… a good director can work with that. I’ll rewrite it so instead of Scarn barging in to confront them, he’ll knock first - give them a chance to put robes on. Very tasteful. Big fluffy ones.’

 

Jim just looked at him blankly. There were no words.

 

‘Besides, lots of married actor couples have appeared in those kinds of scenes together,’ Michael continued. ‘Look at Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut…and they seem to be doing fine. Who knows? Cece might even become a baby shoe model like their daughter, Simba.’

 

‘Right. You certainly could compare your directorial style with Stanley Kubrick’s.’

 

‘Thank you. Many people have thought that, but you’re the first to say so.’

 

‘Okay then. You’ve given me a lot to think about, but I really gotta go.’

 

‘Sure, sure…talk it over with Pam. And hey - if it sweetens the offer, I can give you a musical number. A dance of forbidden love kind of thing.’

 

‘Yep,’ Jim said, standing and putting his coat on.

 

‘You know, I think you underestimate Pam. After all, she’s an artist too.’ He lowered his voice as if to be discreet, ‘Far be it from me to overstep - and it’s just a feeling…but she might be more adventurous than you think.’

 

Oh, you have no idea, Jim smiled to himself as he left.

 

 

*****

 

 

The first sound Jim heard when he closed their front door was a loud Ssshhhh. Pam bounded down the stairs towards him, her finger pressed to her lips.  

 

‘I just put Cece in her crib early. She wouldn’t nap at daycare, so she was super cranky. As soon as I fed her, she was falling asleep.’

 

‘Maybe she’s cutting another tooth,’ he suggested, leaning down to kiss her hello.

 

‘Could be. Anyway, I think she’s down for the count. I just hope this doesn’t mean she’s done sleeping at like midnight.’

 

‘Who doesn’t love that?’ he replied, pulling off his tie as he followed Pam into the kitchen.

 

‘So, what did Michael want?’ she asked, pouring two glasses of wine and handing him one.

 

‘To share his vision for the sequel he’s writing,’ he kept as straight a face as he could manage. ‘Bounce around some ideas for my role.’

 

‘Huh? A sequel to Threat Level Midnight? I thought you already exploded.’

 

‘I did. But there’s a brilliant new twist.’

 

‘Goldenface returns as a zombie?’

 

‘Nope. That would be great, but he’s history,’ Jim smiled wistfully. ‘Oh, yeah…did I mention this one’s definitely not for kids?’

 

‘Seriously?’

 

‘Let’s just say our scenes together are kind of like Last Tango in Scranton. Only without the butter.’

 

‘Get out of here!’ Pam laughed, the glee in her voice matched only by the horror.

 

‘Well, there could be butter. I’m not sure.’

 

‘Oh my god. That’s…’ she went dumbstruck, then looked pensive for a minute. Jim could practically see the wheels turning behind her eyes. 

 

‘Hey, you know what?’ she looked up at him slyly, setting down her glass. She moved closer and ran her hand slowly over his chest, then down his stomach, until it came to rest at his waist. ‘Even though we’re obviously not doing the movie, it wouldn’t hurt to rehearse a little.’ 

 

‘Absolutely,’ he grinned back at her.

 

‘An actor needs to keep his instrument tuned,’ she added, giving his belt buckle a slight tug.

 

He was rapidly starting to feel tuned already. God, he was crazy about this girl.

 

‘Let’s make dinner fast tonight,’ he gulped his wine. ‘I want plenty of rehearsal time before Cece detonates.’

 

It was never too late to impress the nameless receptionist.

   

 

*****

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:
I'd forgotten how much fun it is to write Michael. Hope it was fun to read too!


Colette is the author of 37 other stories.
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