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Talking to the camera on the first day was strange but Pam enjoyed it, it was the first time, in a long time that Pam actually enjoyed something at work, besides her usual fun with Jim. It was a great way to help break up her otherwise very boring day. She was answering some of their questions when the camera man asked her about Roy. She started to tell the story of their engagement, “We’ve been engaged for about...um, about three years” she was immediately embarrassed and tried to make it sound better. “We were supposed to get married in September, but now I think we’re going to get married in the spring.”
Big fat lie, no date had been set, no plans in motion. There had been no September plan and nothing for this coming spring. Pam had back pedaled though, immediately embarrassed after admitting that she’d been engaged for three years. It was a long time for an engagement with no date in sight. Also there was no more money in the savings account after he bought those wave runners. She had been really upset when Roy did that, just spent the entire account on those stupid things, and didn’t even ask her. She never really even got to use hers.
She wasn’t even sure she wanted to get married anymore to be honest. She was trying lately, and not very successfully, to remember why she was still with Roy. There were plenty of reasons not to be, the seemingly never ending embarrassment and constant disappointments were just the tip of that iceberg. She recalled the day that Meredith was reading a book in the break room. She looked at Pam at the end of a chapter and completely shocked her with a statement.
“Still no date huh? Maybe Roy’s just not that into you? That’s what it could be according to this one chapter in here.”
Pam almost cried as Meredith was looking at her with pity in her eyes. She could always count on her coworkers to make her feel worse than she already did on a daily basis.
When they were just about done for the day, Jim leaned on her counter and asked her to go for drinks with everyone. She liked going out with Jim when they would do this, it was not every weekend but it was good fun. Earlier that day when the cameraman told her what Jim said about her favorite yogurt and asked if he was right, she had been slightly surprised and completely delighted.
“Jim said mixed berries? Oh wow…yeah, he’s on to me.” She tried to stop herself there, but couldn’t help it, she became flushed and had to look down while trying to hide her smile without any success. It had reminded her of that day when her best friend Jim became more than just a friend, at least to her.
You see Pam had been secretly harboring a major crush on her best friend, for a few weeks now. She figured it would just stop or go away at some point but it was only getting stronger. Which was honestly not a good thing; she was engaged, to Roy… Things like Jim paying her so much attention didn’t help either. She first realized she liked him one day just a few weeks ago, she was just trying to have her afternoon snack and then there it was. That three o’clock, post lunch sugar crash always hit her hard if she didn’t have a snack.
Pam had just grabbed her yogurt and a spoon and was headed back to her desk while Jim was stepping out of the bathroom. He noticed the yogurt in her hands as she headed for reception. Remembering what he had seen earlier on the lid of that yogurt; he grabbed his pudding cup from the refrigerator and headed straight for her.
“What’s up?” she smiled at Jim as he leaned against her counter and she peeled back the foil lid. Jim hadn’t said anything he just reached out for her wrist and stopped her from licking the yogurt off. She looked at him with a question in her eyes.
“This might sound weird, and there’s no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you’re about to eat has expired.”
She turned it over and read the top of the lid, “ugh…” she was disappointed about the snack, and then she noticed her cheeks were starting to burn. Jim let go of her wrist and she looked down for a moment biting her lip in thought. She looked back up at him with a smirk on her face. “Do you think we could get Dwight to eat it?”
“Maybe, but why don’t we just trade. I know you need your three o’clock pick me up. I don’t need him puking on my desk if it makes him sick.” He pushed his pudding cup forward and took the yogurt from her hands. He turned around and went to the break room to throw it in the trash. He went for a soda and came back to his desk; she raised the cup of pudding as if to say cheers he did the same with his soda, and then sent her an IM to call her a dork.
She just smiled again and turned back to her solitaire game, while enjoying her cup of vanilla pudding and trying hard to stop smiling. She made a mental note to bring in an extra bag of chips with her lunch for him the next day. She also felt silly, like she was back in ninth grade and wanted to write Pam loves Jim all over her notebook. She liked Jim…Oh boy.
Since that day, she was trying to make herself to stop thinking about it, she was engaged, but Jim was just so great which made it difficult for her. Roy being an ass half the time wasn’t helping her to put those pesky Jim thoughts out of her mind. Lately she found herself feeling guilty very often and she hoped she could get a grip. She had to just put Jim out of her mind. He was her best friend, that’s all. Yeah, that’s all…
Pam felt a mixture of joy and guilt the second week of filming, after she had fallen asleep on Jim’s shoulder in the conference room. It had been a long boring day; she spent a large part of it with an index card taped to her forehead. The best thing about that day was Jim’s prank on Dwight, changing his race card to simply say Dwight. She nearly lost it when he asked if he was at least human and she really had to consider for a moment if Dwight in fact was.
She and Jim were fairly convinced that Dwight was such a unique individual, that maybe he was a species unto himself. The second, actually the first if she was honest, best part of the day was the warmth of Jim’s shoulder and his sweet smile when he woke her up.
Pam had been up late the night before having yet another argument with Roy. She hadn’t gone to bed until nearly two in the morning. Roy had been out playing poker and told her that she shouldn’t be so mad. If he won money (which he hadn’t) they could save it toward the wedding. He always said that, yet the account held steady at the hundred dollar minimum balance for months now, and he’d played plenty of poker.
The second the phrase “for the wedding” was uttered, she snapped at him. She had thought a lot over the last week, since that first day with the cameras and she realized that if they were going to ever get married it definitely wouldn’t be in the spring. Not when there wasn’t any money in the bank and not while Roy was playing poker twice a month. After two hours of arguing, she finally gave up and crawled into bed angry and ashamed. How had she let her life turn into this, she had to badger a man (who had asked her to marry him) when they would actually do just that. She was really getting tired of it.
Pam felt like she was at an all time low a few days ago, when Dwight was picking the new healthcare plan. At first she and Jim were enjoying the fake diseases they came up with and raiding the trash can for the door signs Dwight had thrown away. However when she sat in the “work space” being grilled by Dwight of all people, it really got to her. She was so angry when she finally got up and walked out of there. She fought with Roy all week after that day.
She couldn’t let go of how she felt, as she sat there and Dwight went on about how he knew there was a date set for the wedding, there had to be after three years. She realized fully, that her relationship was a joke to everyone. Literally a joke, Michael even gave her that awful Dundie for longest engagement and Roy thought it was great, laughing last year and promising to “see you again next year”.
Sometimes, Roy really sucks she thought.
They had stopped fighting for three whole days, but now here she was in bed and angry again. This time however it was coupled with yet more embarrassment after the show Roy had put on today in the office. She could not believe he shoved her toward the door after he nearly attacked Jim. All they were doing was laughing at Dwight; it was such a fun day.
She really felt bad for Jim too; he had to be so embarrassed that that had happened in front of everyone. She just hoped that he wouldn’t completely hate her the next day at work. She and Roy had fought in the car the whole way home about Jim, and it really upset her. Her crush on him aside, which was still in full force, Jim was her best friend, and Roy did not need to treat him that way.
Roy was watching a basketball game in the living room. She was trying to read at first but gave that up as she could hear Roy yelling at the TV and she decided to sketch. She sat in bed with her pajamas and glasses on, she was sketching her feet. Her glasses kept sliding down her nose and she would push them back annoyed each time. She needed some new glasses. The last time her glasses slid to the tip of her nose she closed her eyes for a moment in frustration. When she opened them she noticed that on the sketch pad her feet looked abnormal with extra large big toes on each one. She could never really draw when she was upset; she knew that but tried it anyhow. Sighing heavily she put her pencils and sketch pad away and dropped her glasses into the drawer. She leaned back and closed her eyes wishing for sleep and thinking about Jim.
She hadn’t slept well and in the morning after arguing with Roy again he slammed the door and left her to drive herself into the office. On the way in she thought about how awkward today would be, luckily though, Dwight walked in with very blond hair and she knew it would be a good day after all. Pam could not wait for Jim to get there now; she knew they would have a blast laughing at him together and with Roy’s behavior that morning he would not be in the office at all today.
Pam was on the phone when Jim walked in, he said good morning as he hung his coat and then walked over to drop his bag at his desk. Once his sleeves were rolled up he grabbed his mug and headed for the break room. Dwight was in with the camera crew, so he hadn’t seen the blond horror yet. Pam grabbed her mug and headed over for her tea and hopefully some Dwight mocking. When Jim seen her walk in, he sort of smiled and raised his eyebrows, she however had a very wide smile on her face. He relaxed as she started to speak. “Good morning” she said a little too cheerily for this time of the day.
“Morning…you okay?” he eyed her suspiciously wondering why she was so bright.
“Wait until you see Dwight! You’re gonna die.” She was pouring hot water into her mug.
“What’s going on?” he was intrigued.
“You’ll see” she raised her eyebrows as she turned and walked back out toward reception.
Jim followed her and almost spilled his coffee when a tall blond man sat at Dwight’s desk. Jim looked at Pam and she had to cover her mouth and stifle a laugh.
Jim was so relieved that she did not seem mad at him and she was laughing with him at Dwight. All night he’d thought that after what Roy had seen between them she might start to pull away and not spend as much time with him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to bear not being her friend. That was largely why he had yet to tell her how he felt about her, if she didn’t feel the least bit for him and she said no, their friendship would surely be ruined by his declaration. Now though, here she was acting like yesterday had never happened or so it seemed for now. That could change when Roy came up for lunch later, he hoped it wouldn’t.
At eleven thirty, Pam asked Jim if he wanted to go get sandwiches from the deli around the corner for lunch, apparently no Roy for lunch today. Forty minutes later they were sitting in the break room sharing his Doritos and having their sandwiches. They were working on a back story idea to give Dwight for his undercover sting in Stamford. There was a lull in the conversation after Kevin had come in for some chips and told Jim he was glad Roy hadn’t broken his nose. When Kevin walked back out Pam broke the uncomfortable silence;
“About that Jim, I just-”
“I’m sorry about that Pam”
“Why are you sorry? Don’t be silly, sometimes… Roy’s an ass.” She said with a smirk as she shrugged her shoulders and he gave her a small smirk. Jim could not believe she’d say such a thing.
“Well, still…I -” he paused not sure of what to say as Pam grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze.
“I’m sorry, and really, don’t worry about Roy. You’re my best friend and we were just laughing, no harm. Seriously… okay?”
“Okay” he nodded as she gave his hand one more squeeze before letting go, her palm was getting sweaty.
With that they went back to designing Dwight’s new persona and all was well at Dunder Mifflin Scranton.
Roy ended up being really sweet that night, even “making” her dinner which was just putting frozen lasagna and garlic bread in the oven; at least he tried Pam thought. They had a long talk that night and Roy told her he loved her, and that he would try harder. He apologized and explained that he had just over reacted. After all of the fighting they had been doing at home, to see her with Jim looking so happy, it really upset him and he was a little jealous.
Pam kind of felt bad, when he put it that way, she realized that he did care. She decided to make it up to him, she felt guilty for a lot of the things she’d been thinking lately.
“Jealous huh?” Pam teased when she was walking backwards toward the bedroom, carrying a basket of clean clothes. Roy following her with another basket smirking. “Yeah jealous, you’re my girl”. Pam took the basket into their room and slid it onto the closet floor. She glanced at the bed; she knew what she was in for. Roy had been jealous before, she enjoyed that night, and it had been a while…
Roy was still putting the towels in the hallway linen closet, one hand on the basket, while he put away the towels with the other. She stepped into the hall and took the basket from him. He finished quickly then and as he closed the closet door, he took the basket from her and lightly tossed it aside as he pressed himself close to her. He kissed her up against the wall and she couldn’t help but laugh when his fingers tickled her sides as he lifted her shirt and tossed that aside too. He picked her up and carried her to bed, whenever Roy got jealous, he also got frisky.
For the next couple of weeks things were much better between them. They weren’t perfect, but better, Roy had only been out to the bar twice and he had one poker game. Those things still bothered her, but they weren’t constantly fighting at least. Her Jim thoughts were pushed far back in her mind, Roy loved her and he was trying, maybe they would be okay. That whole crush thing was just a phase…
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Story Notes:
I started this 2 years ago. I think Pam is shown as someone with sort of low self esteem in the beginning of the series, but I think she's always trying to maybe find her footing? I love Pam, in this, she gets some courage very early on in the series.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Spoilers through the Alliance. Pam is realizing alot of things.
