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Story Notes:

The Office referenced to a lot of Jim and Pam moments but never showed them. This is my attempt at exploring what might have happened.

I came up with the title on my own before realizing that it's also a name of a song by the Foo Fighters. So, credit to them for subconsciously inspiring the name of this fic! (And now I can't look at the title without the song playing in my head...)

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Chapter Notes:

Set immediately after Pam's speech in “Beach Games” from Jim's POV.

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"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

- C.S. Lewis

 

Time always seems to slow down under the spotlight. It's like the last few seconds of a basketball game when everyone stands up with bated breaths, their eyes following the ball's arch towards the basket, wondering if it will be winning shot.

At least then he could try to predict what would happen.

Jim stared numbly at the spot of sand she had occupied just moments ago. She called off her wedding because of me.

So many sleepless nights in Stamford were spent hoping something like this would happen. He used to reassure himself in vain every night that Pam would eventually call and tell him she made a mistake. Most importantly, she would say that she called off her wedding because she wanted to be with him. In his head, his answer was always automatic, devoid of hesitation. Of course he'd do anything to be with her. That was never a question.

None of those scenarios involved Pam making a confession in front of everyone at work. He also never thought he would sit completely still with no goddamn clue what to say. But things were different now. He was different now. He had changed - evolved, almost. He had a girlfriend.

Karen.

Jim looked to his left. Karen was eyeing him apprehensively, trying to decipher his expression. He suddenly felt guilty for her nervousness.

"I'm going to talk to her," he said quietly, ignoring how everyone's whispers abruptly died when he spoke. His eyes silently pleaded with Karen. Please. Don't worry. Nothing's going to happen. She nodded brusquely and looked away.

Jim stood up and walked away from the circle of co-workers, aware of everyone's eyes on his back. They were likely wondering what he was thinking, but, truthfully, even he didn't know. He just felt so weary, like he had been running a marathon for months only to see the finish line shrinking further in the distance.  

He shoved his hands into his pockets, thinking. A part of him couldn't believe how Pam could instill this fear in him after all this time. There was no way he could ignore her, though, not after seeing the anguish in her eyes when she spoke. He wasn't sure what he would say exactly, but she deserved some kind of honesty. He owed her that much.

Jim stopped once he reached her. Pam was gazing down at the water where her feet stood, looking utterly serene.

"How are your feet?" he ventured cautiously.

"Medium rare, thanks." She smiled up at him. Jim chuckled quietly, grateful for the ease of tension.

"The real reason I went to Stamford was because I wanted to be," he looked away and hesitated before finishing, "not here."

"I know."

He swallowed, wondering how to phrase his next sentence. "And even though I came back, I just feel like I've never really . . . come back." Jim regarded her carefully, suddenly feeling exposed.

She glanced towards the water for a half-second before meeting his gaze again and declaring, "Well, I wish you would."

He felt like the breath had been knocked out of him. Any response he had in mind died in his throat. Pam stared at him directly, her green eyes never leaving his, daring him to respond. Unbidden, a question from long ago came to mind: Hypothetically, if you thought Pam was interested in you, what would you do?

For the first time in months, Jim felt hope flutter in his chest. However, as soon as it did, he mentally shook his head, willing himself to focus. He couldn't be that guy anymore, always waiting for her to come around. I just . . . can't, he thought miserably.

He forced himself to remember the job interview David Wallace had offered him earlier. Getting that job could be his final chance at moving forward, past this, past Scranton.

He cleared his throat, breaking the silence between them. "Uh, I don't think you heard, but Karen and I are going to interview for that job in New York, so . . ."

Pam's eyes widened. Quickly, a flash of shock and pain clouded her features only to disappear as quickly as it had come. "Wow, that's . . . great," she said faintly, her newfound candor missing. She forced a smile. "It sounds like an amazing opportunity."

He gazed down at his feet and nodded. "Yeah," he said hollowly.

"And, well, anyone would be better than Michael." They laughed halfheartedly. Her face turned serious and she continued, "No, the job sounds great. And, um, you'll get to live in New York, so that'll be cool. I'm sure you'll get the job, you really deserve it."

"Thanks." He shifted his weight onto his right foot uneasily. "Look, Pam, I know things have been weird lately, but I missed hanging out with you too," he said earnestly. "And even if I get the job, just - you'll always mean a lot to me."

Pam's eyes lit up. It had been a while since he had seen her look that happy. "So, friends?" she asked hopefully.

"Of course." Jim stepped forward and enveloped Pam into a hug, breathing in the fruity scent of her hair. When they broke apart, he let his arms linger on hers for a moment before dropping them. "We should probably get back," he said, pointing to where their co-workers were packing up for the bus.

They walked away from the shore in a comfortable silence. Jim felt relieved. Finally, he would not have to suffer through the awkwardness that had come to define their interactions ever since he came back from Stamford. Things couldn't simply return to the way they used to be, but maybe this was closure, the end of the "Pam Beesly" chapter that had defined his life for the past four years.

Maybe.

He stopped in front of Karen. She watched him and Pam warily, her arms crossed over her chest. Pam looked down, refusing to meet Karen's eyes, and hurried past them to join the rest of the office. Jim gave Karen a smile he hoped was convincing and reached out to squeeze her hand. She visibly relaxed at his touch, though her shoulders remained slightly stiff. Together, they grabbed their things and - with her slightly ahead of him - made their way back to the bus.

She made light conversation along the way, but Jim was only half-listening. He was just grateful that she didn't immediately broach the Pam subject that he had come to dread in the past few months. He had no idea what he would tell her, anyway. It's not like what Pam said would really change anything. He was still going to that interview. He was still going to be with Karen.

Still, try as he might, he just couldn't shake off the sense of foreboding that lurked at the back of his mind.

Once Jim reached the bus entrance, he paused, letting Karen through, and looked over his shoulder. Pam was chatting amiably with Oscar, her radiant expression a sharp contrast against the distant cloud of smoke from the coal walk. She gave Jim a small smile. It seemed like both a promise and a goodbye. He smiled weakly in return.

With a sigh, he stepped onto the bus, staring determinedly at what lay ahead of him, the words "I wish you would" echoing in his head with each step.

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Chapter End Notes:

So that was rather ... bleak. Hopefully I didn't overdo the angst. S3 era Jim is just so frustrating to write.

Anyway, thanks for reading! :)


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