*
*
I still can’t believe he didn’t tell me.
It’s not like he forgot to mention his parents were coming to dinner or that he agreed to a pickup game this weekend. No, Jim’s didn’t tell me he accepted a job offer with so many strings attached that it will be impossible for us not to get tangled in it. Let me be clear. I’m not upset that he seized the opportunity. It is an amazing offer. Risky? Yes. But I’m all for taking risk. Hec, I wouldn’t be married to Jim if I hadn’t taken the biggest leap of faith in my life. What has my stomach in knots is that he deliberately chose not to share that information with me, his wife.
It all began when Jim’s buddy contacted him with the job proposition around mid summer. It is not every day that we get handed a possible golden ticket out of Dunder-Mifflin. Needless to say, we were very excited. It didn’t take us long to begin visualizing our life if this idea took off. Cliché as it is, I began imagining a house with a big walk-in closet, a bathroom with a Jacuzzi, and an actual art studio where I could draw without the fear of losing fingers to frostbite during the winter months.
“We could have a home theater,” Jim said, his face flushing with pleasure.
“A home theater?”
“Yeah, why not? He said stretching his legs in front of him and resting his hands behind his head. If Jim was an inch taller he wouldn’t fit on our bed. “Think about it. We could have movie night every night.”
“I think I want a new bedroom set,” I said turning to face him. “I want a big, king size bed.”
“What? You don’t like being close to me?” He said scooching over.
“I do,” I said with a grin on my face. “But this bed cannot handle a family of four.”
“Well, half of our family needs to learn how to sleep on their own beds,” Jim quipped.
“Half of our family will only learn how to sleep on their own beds if the tallest fourth of our family brought them back to their beds at night.”
Jim chuckled. “Well, the artistic fourth needs to stop cuddling with them.”
That night we also envisioned a bigger backyard for the kids, with a tree house and a pool. I’m certain Jim fantasized about expanding his man-cave, which doubles as the kid’s playroom right now. We thought of vacationing in France, Italy, and Australia. In a period of four days we built a life we had never fathomed of having. We were ready to take this on. So we sat down and listed all the risks involved with starting a business venture of this magnitude.
We knew Jim’s time would be stretched thin, we knew his income would be inconsistent, and most importantly, we knew this idea might not take off. But if I continued at Dunder-Mifflin and kept a consistent paycheck and if Jim kept at a few of his larger accounts at Dunder-Mifflin active, we could stay afloat long enough to see this through. Whatever the outcome, we would be okay either way.
As the idea began to actually root, Jim’s friend decided that it would be illogical to have a branch of the company, a.k.a. Jim, in Scranton. From a business standpoint, he is absolutely right. The sports market in Pennsylvania is mostly in Philly, hence, the most logical place to set up shop. From our standpoint, however, there is little sense in uprooting our family for an idea that had barely begun to sprout. We backtracked on our previous plans, trying desperately to work out a new strategy, trying to foresee potential fires we would have to put out if we actually decided it as the right thing to do for our family.
“What if I agreed to stay in Philly only two days a week? At least until we were sure the business would take off,” Jim said, running his hand through his already mussed hair. “That’s doable. You could hold the fort down for two days, right?. Helene would be more than happy to help with the kids. Mom could come by too.”
“Jim, for a startup company two days isn’t enough. They’ll need you more. You know it.”
He knew. He nodded in agreement and added, “Three days?”
“Babe, listen,” I began. “If you accept, you’ll….not be here,” I said and motioned to our eldest child, sprawled on the couch, asleep. “You could be gone for weeks at a time. Do you want a Florida repeat?”
I watched his eyes travel to Cece. A smile appeared on his lips. “I’ll be doing it for them,” he said and sighed. “When you look at them don’t you just want to give them everything?”
“I do. I really do. But I think they need you more than anything else,” I said, trying not to guilt trip him into accepting the reality, but failing miserably.
“Pam, I’m not abandoning them or you,” he said with a tinge of hurt in his tone. “I could never do that.” He sat up a little straighter and placed his hand on top on mine, squeezing it slightly. “You know that, right?”
“I know. I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I sounded like a whiny, needy wife, and that’s not what I am. “I will support you with whatever you choose,” I finally said. I wonder if he noticed hint of fear as those words tumbled out of my mouth.
Well, it took us hours to realize that with the new status quo the cons outweighed the pros. Not only would Jim be away, we would also have to dig deeper into our savings, not to mention that if this idea didn’t take off as expected, Jim and I would come out worse than when we first went in. If we didn’t have the little ones at home, I would have said, “What the hell,” but it’s different. When you’re a parent, risks of this magnitude cannot be taken lightly. In the end, it was Jim who decided to back down.
“Okay, then,” Jim said defeated. “It’s a no-go.” He pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. I could see all dreams we’d nursed in the past couple of days sloughing off and striking the kitchen floor with a deafening thud. “I’ll get Cece,” he said and walked to the couch where she slept.
I didn’t have anything to say. I just watched him gently scoop Cece off the couch. She stirred and her eyes opened, gazed hazily around, but immediately registered that it was dad holding her. She settled her head on his shoulder and encircled her arms around his neck. While gently patting her back, Jim looked back at me and motioned with his head towards the stairs. I got up and followed him up. I don’t think neither Jim nor I slept that night.
It’s hard to have your hopes taken away without another dream to fall back on. We took it rather hard. But as the weeks rolled on we returned to our regular scheduled programming. Before long, summer bid us goodbyes and fall slipped in subtly with its crispy breeze and colorful leaves. The camera crew returned, yet again, and we soon forgot about the big house, the pool, and the new bedroom set.
At least I thought we had forgotten. I should have known Jim continued to nurse the idea in his head. Jim doesn’t get excited often, but when he does, he goes full throttle. It’s actually one of his many wonderful qualities that I picked up early on. It’s not often I see this side of him because well, we work at a paper company, we have two kids, a mortgage…. But it is always nice to see this side of him peak through the fog. I like eager, passionate, and energized Jim.
And that’s the Jim I saw when he told me he accepted the job. The smile, the twinkle in his eyes, the enthusiasm in his voice… Would I be the person to take it away from him?
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he told me. “But I really think this is going to work.” His enthusiasm was contagious. “We already have two investors interested. Mike is meeting them next week.” He went on to tell me that he had a plan and that we would be alright. I just kept watching my husband talk about this idea with such passion that I was struck with silence. “We can to this, right?” He asked and all I could do was nod and feign some level of eagerness.
I am not worried about the risks with the decision. Never mind Jim being away for long periods of time, and never mind that we might have to take a second mortgage on the house. No, I’m worried Jim choosing to keep this a secret is the small crack my mom insists every marriage has.
I know he loves me and I might be overreacting, but I can’t brush off this feeling. I know he is trying really hard to show his gratitude for my “cool” attitude towards all of it and on the surface everything seems okay. But with every gesture and every conversation we have, unspoken works hangs between us like neon lights, illuminating the tenderness of the moment and revealing it to be false. I should tell him how I really feel, but I don’t want to crush his dreams.
I guess it’s not so hard to keep a secret.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This was not Beta'd. All mistakes are mine.
I own nada. =(
I own nada. =(
Chapter End Notes:
I've been away for too long. But I hope I can ease back into the groove of writing again. Thanks for reading this little one-shot. Comments are welcomed. Now everyone out there let’s get the ball rolling with new fics.
Luvs, D.
Luvs, D.
Dedeen is the author of 20 other stories.
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