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“OH MY GOD!  Jim?!  Jim is your secret boyfriend!”

 

Oh, shit.

 

“No!  Kelly, no!”  Pam’s denial sounded shaky even to her own ears.

 

“But he MUST be!” gasped her excitable co-worker who, of late, was now referring to herself as Pam’s “BBF”, something Pam was far too nice to correct her on - either the acronym or the actual relationship.

 

“You told me that you didn’t want to go on any more blind dates because you were seeing someone and now you’re in here reading a letter from a J Halpert!  Come on, Pam, I’m not dumb, you know!  You can tell me all about it, it’s sooooo exciting!  I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, I tell you everything.”

 

In fact, although Kelly had initially squee-ed like a teenager at an American Idol concert, her face actually fell as she said the last sentence, making Pam feel like a heel.  It was true, she didn’t really have that much in common with Kelly, but the other girl had certainly tried hard to be a good friend to her since her break-up with Roy.  It wasn’t personal – since Jim and she had got together shortly after his return to the Scranton office, they had made the decision not to tell anyone about their very tentative new relationship – or “love affair, Beesly,” as Jim had insisted.  “Relationship is far too boring a word for this fantastic adventure.”

 

She loved it when he said things like that, when he turned what, in the grand scheme of things, was really a very ordinary happening, like two co-workers dating, into what seemed like the most extraordinary and wonderful thing in the world.  Which, in fact, it kinda was.  And sometimes he would surprise her by little touches like sending her proper love letters, full of romantic phrases, which came in the mail even though they saw each other every day at work and most every night. 

 

No wonder she couldn’t resist sneaking out the latest epistle in the break room, thinking that everyone else was safely inside the conference room at yet another of Michael’s seminars.  Somehow, however, Kelly had managed to escape (perhaps storming off at another of Michael’s tactless racial stereotypes) and had burst in before Pam could hide the envelope with its tell-tale “return to” label on the back.

 

“Honestly Kelly, it’s not Jim, really it’s not,” she continued to insist.  What else could she say?  They had both agreed that it was far, far too soon to make things public.  For one thing, her break up with Roy was so recent and he was still having a hard time dealing with it – he’d even been spotted with suspiciously red eyes behind the warehouse exit a few times.  It would be cruel to rub it in that she had already moved on to another man. 

 

Then, there were the implications of having an inter-office relationship.  The thought of having to fill in forms and ask for permission to continue made Pam go cold with embarrassment.

 

And this wasn’t just any office, but one being filmed every day by a voracious camera crew, hungry for any sign of scandal, intrigue, drama or romance.  She was most definitely NOT ready to share her most intimate feelings with the nation.  This was their affair and no one else’s.

 

“Oh yeah?”  Kelly, for once, sounded cynical.  “Then how many other J Halperts do you happen to know?”

 

“Uh – Ju- Jonathan.”

 

“Who’s that?”

 

“J- Jim’s brother?”  Oh man.  That was so lame.  Even Kelly would never buy it.

 

“Jim’s brother!  Oh my god, that is so awesome!  Whoa, it’s perfect, I mean you guys are such great friends and now you’re dating his brother!  How did it happen, what’s he like, you have to tell all!”

 

“Oh, um … it’s just … I mean, it just started.”

 

“I had no idea Jim had a brother.  Do they look alike?”  Kelly gushed.  “I guess they don’t, ‘cause otherwise you would have the hots for Jim which – hello!  You obviously don’t.”

 

Despite feeling terrible guilt at the outright lie she was telling, Pam was really amused.  The same wicked streak which made her enjoy playing pranks on Dwight rose up and she began to get into it.

 

“Well, they look a little alike.  Actually, he kinda looks like that guy Scott Foley, you know?”

 

“He is SO cute!  You’re so lucky – although I’d never trade my Ryan, obviously.”

 

At Kelly’s urging, Pam began to elaborate.  Jonathan, it seemed, was the world’s most perfect man.  A wonderful brother, a caring boyfriend, an accomplished singer who was also a doctor and a keen snowboarder, he had every good quality.  And he was modest too.

 

“You mean he actually saved your life on jetskis?  Ohhhh … It must be so hard for Jim trying to live up to him.”

 

“Oh no,” explained Pam.  “They’re super close.  Jonathan is always ready to come and help Jim with his – with his love life or any problems he might have.  He’s basically at his beck and call whenever he needs him.  He’s just so great that way,” she said, with a simper hiding her increasing need to burst out laughing.

 

After another couple of minutes Pam managed to get away from the conversation, claiming she had to get back to her desk.  As she emerged, the conference room was emptying, everyone coming out with rather drained expressions on their faces.  Passing Jim, who looked like he was about to collapse with boredom, she quickly hissed: “By the way, I’m dating your brother Jonathan.”

 

“My – who?”  Instantly his face woke up and that adorable big-eyed expression appeared, the one that meant “I don’t know where you’re going with this, but I’ll go along”. 

 

By mid-afternoon, Pam’s new relationship was the talk of the office.  Naturally Kelly just could not help but pass on the news of her happiness and the marvellous Jonathan.  Michael, of course, claimed that as Jim’s close friend, he had naturally met Jonathan several times and Jim had even said that they considered him their “third brother”.  Toby, who as human resources manager had access to people’s personal details, asked Jim slyly if he wanted Jonathan’s name included on his emergency contact list.  And Kevin, naturally, made several off-colour jokes about threesomes and his dream of Swedish twin sisters.

 

However, not everyone accepted the story.  Going to grab a coffee, Pam was cornered by Dwight in the kitchen.

 

“Oh yes, very clever Pam, very clever indeed,” he sneered.  “But no one can fool Dwight Schrute.  I happen to have access to state records – a privilege of my position at the Sheriff’s department – and I can prove that there have been no births registered with the name Jonathan Halpert in this county for the last fifty years.  What do you have to say to that, hmm?”

 

Pam checked to see that no one was listening.  Even the cameras were covering some attempt by Michael to break the world record for balancing peas on his nose.

 

“That’s very interesting, Dwight,” she said carefully.  “I think that you should certainly bring that up at the next staff meeting.  In fact, maybe we should table a whole discussion about inter-office romances.  I’m sure there are several people who would like to contribute.  Perhaps you could ask Angela if she has any comments to make on the subject?”

 

Dwight swallowed hard.  His little piggy eyes looked straight at hers.  “Touché, Pam, touché.”

 

 Later that afternoon, the office staff were very interested to hear yet more news about one of their fellow employees.  Apparently, Dwight announced, he was meeting his girlfriend that night.  Her name was Andrea Martin. 


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