Hey, Jim. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t come out for a drink tonight.  I really would have liked that.  And I just wanted to apologize or something for Roy’s behaviour today.  I promise, if you actually knew him like I did… it would be different.  He wasn’t always like that.

Me and Roy, we met in high school.  I know you know that, and I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself, I just… I just do.  I didn’t really have many girl friends in high school.  I know, I know.  I was a nerd.  And to answer the question I know is floating through your mind right now, yes, Jim Halpert, I was in band.  I played the clarinet.

I met Roy in freshman year biology.  We had to dissect frogs, and he was my lab partner.  And you know how I get with stuff like that.  I couldn’t even watch that video you showed me, the one Michael forwarded you, with the pig giving birth, remember?  I just—it’s just so gross, Jim!  I don’t even know how you watched that! 

Anyway, Roy did the whole dissection himself.  He even told me I could close my eyes, so I wouldn’t have to see him cut it open.   When I told him I felt like I was going to throw up, because the smell was just horrifying, Jim, he rubbed circles on my back and told me to keep breathing.  In and out, in and out.  That’s what he kept repeating.  And when our teacher graded us, Roy explained the entire predicament.   Maybe it was also because our biology teacher was the football coach, I don’t know.  But, we got 100% on that project.  And soon after, he asked me out.  

I don’t know.  I guess, along the way, things changed between me and Roy.  But, we grew up together, y’know?  He’s… he’s Roy.  And I love him.

Anyways.  You’ll probably hang up before you even get to the end of this message.   I don’t know why I—I don’t know.  Sorry about this whole thing, this whole message.  I just called to say sorry.   

I hope we can go out for drinks sometime soon though.  With Kevin, and Phyllis, and Stanley and Dwight and Michael and—you know.  Everybody. The whole office, of course.  We could all go out for drinks, to Poor Richard’s maybe? I go with Roy sometimes.

Actually.

Maybe we could go somewhere else?

Anyway, just, thanks for inviting me.  You know I would have come if I could.  You’re a great friend, Jim.

Anyway, um, I’ll see you tomorrow!  Maybe while you listen to this message?  If you’re listening to it, let me know or something!  Actually… hey.  I dare you to go to the break room and get yourself a grape soda.  Ask Dwight if he wants anything.  If he responds, kiss him on the cheek! 

Also, Jim Halpert, if you dare to follow through with this prank, maybe get me a grape soda too?  Thanks!

By the way Jim, I'm kidding about you having to kiss Dwight on the cheek.  I don't even want to-- ugh.  Just, you don't need to do that. 

Anyway.  Bye, Jim!