Chapter 1:  The first time (Casino night)

What are you doing?  What do you expect me to say to that?

I just needed you to know.  Once.

Well… I, um, I….I can’t.

He was initially planning to let it drop.  Agree with her.  Of course, she can’t.  She’d never do that to Roy, as crummy a fiancé as he was.

Except- something inexplicable keeps Jim from nodding his head in agreement.  He chalks it up to sheer stubbornness, determination to see this grand gesture through to the end, bitter though it may be.  I mean, he’d already gone this far, taken the leap, told her he was in love with her, for God’s sake.  Why be passive now?

So impulsively he decides to challenge her instead.

“Why can’t you?”

Pam looks taken aback, and at the same time, somehow annoyed.  Now she must justify her actions, which she clearly wasn’t prepared to do.  Her eyes are wide as she opens her mouth, which was pouting at the corners.

“Be- because,” she sputters.  She hesitates, as though that should have explained everything.  When it’s clear that it didn’t, at least not to him, she heaves a huge sigh as she continues, exasperated.  “Because I’m engaged, remember?”  

He can’t help but think of Michael Scott at that moment, his response on the booze cruise the minute that Jim proclaimed the very same thing.  ‘She’s engaged’.  ‘Pffttttt.  BFD.  Engaged ain’t married.’

Jim shrugs.  As tempted as he was to quote their boss just now, he knew that was rarely a good idea, particularly if he wanted Pam to take him seriously.  And he currently can’t think of anything else to say- he’s not sure if there’s anything else he can say.

Pam takes it all wrong, misinterprets his resignation for nonchalance.  Already irritated, she pounces.  “What?  Doesn’t that bother you?”

Jim shrugs again- he can’t help it.  He takes a deep breath before replying.  “Of course it does, Pam.  But didn’t you hear what I just said?”

Pam doesn’t respond, and Jim realizes that it’s pointless to try to say any more right now.  She heard him, but she didn’t really hear him. 

He decides to wait with the hope that with a little time, maybe his words to her will eventually start to sink in.  Once they do, she’ll change her mind- right?  In the meantime, he’s content to let the silence hang in the air between them.

But instead, she abruptly slashes through the quiet night air, and his heart, with her reply.  “You have no idea….what your friendship means to me…”

She still hasn’t heard you, Jim says to himself, over and over.  He wills it to be true in an effort to keep from crying.