The sun had dipped below the horizon line well before he returned to the patch of tile that he had no doubt worn down from the pacing he had done in front of her door over these past weeks. He sat for no more than five minutes before he grew restless again, switching between pacing and standing and sitting and balancing his chin in his hands. For the better part of an hour.

At the advice of Penny of all people, he went home on that wretched night, leaving Ben and Cece in a different ward. She would be asleep for awhile, Penny said. Sedatives would knock her out until at least morning, Penny said. He needed his rest too.

And she had been right.

He had convinced himself on that car ride home that there was no way he would sleep, that going home would only allow him to have the same worries with a different backdrop. But upon seeing his bed, toeing off his shoes, and crawling across the mattress, he was out like a light, falling quickly into a long and dreamless slumber.

He awoke to natural sunlight casting grey shadows across his bedroom floor. His head was heavy, his eyes dry, his lips parched and begging for water. So he pushed his fatigued body into the kitchen, wondering for a moment if he was sleepwalking when his feet tingled with every step.

The cereal was bland, the orange juice tart with age. It was only something to put in his stomach anyway, to give him the right amount of fuel necessary for sitting and waiting and twiddling his thumbs.

He only noticed the half empty, half gallon of chocolate milk in the back of the fridge when he went to put the orange juice carton away.

“And what, dare I ask, is that doing in my shopping cart?” he asked, his voice riddled with exaggeration as she bounced on her toes, a childlike grin pulling her lips to her ears.

“For drinking. Obviously. I thought you were an intelligent man, Jim Halpert. Obviously, I’m going to have to reconsider that assumption.”

Curious, he plucked the plastic jug from its place among the necessities that they had actually set out for that evening: Cereal, apples and bananas, frozen veggies, chicken breasts, paper towels, a bottle of white wine, a package of Oreos.

White milk.

The condensation from the jug dripped down his wrist, hitting the tile of the bread aisle at Wegman’s.

“I’m a little confused,” he pressed, watching her peruse two loaves of bread, one wheat and one white. “I don’t remember putting chocolate milk on my shopping list.”

“You didn’t. I did.”

Her reply was so nonchalant, so casual. So, we’ve been doing this forever, that he let the jug fall back into the cart with a clang.

“Hey! Watch the goods! You’re going to dent it.”

“I don’t think a dent in the jug is going to affect the taste,” he chuckled, noticing that she had abandoned the bread to inspect her precious chocolate milk.

“See. That’s where you’re wrong,” she claimed, her eyes so focused on checking for dents as her fingers skimmed carefully over the seemingly uninjured plastic.

“Okay crazy,” he chuckled under his breath. Wheat bread this time. White was starting to upset his stomach. Besides, Pam had mentioned that she liked her PB&J on wheat bread. Maybe one day soon, she would start making her lunches at his place...

“It’s okay.” Her voice, soft and cheery, jogged him from the trek that his mind had taken down a road that quickly shot from making lunches together to making our kids lunches after they’ve gone to bed, kissing grape jelly off of her nose, checking in on their sleeping beauties one more time before stealing off into their own bedroom to--

“You’ll learn.”

It wasn’t the kiss on his cheek that separated the two statements, the light but intentional brush of her fingers from his shoulder down his arm before squeezing his fingers gently and meandering in front of his cart, her head slightly cocked to one side. It was the promise of those words, You’ll learn, the promise that they still had so much more to learn about each other, so many more ways to grow with one another, and the simple acknowledgement that they would get there.

He was so lost in his own thought, grinning like an idiot as she walked in front of him in one of his hoodies and a pair of jeans, her flip flops slapping the tile floor, that he hadn’t realized how far ahead she was until she turned around, grinned, and beckoned with her pointer finger.

Later that evening, when he kissed the chocolate milk from her lips, he cursed his earlier self for ever second guessing the purchase in the first place.

By now, it was probably soured. But he kept it there, hastily, angrily, brushed a tear away, and slammed the door.

She was still asleep when he arrived, or rather, she was still on a heavy dose of drugs that kept her body in a near coma like state. In a way, this was worse than when her body was doing it naturally, protecting her as she healed rather than protecting her from him.

Roy was on his way out by the time Jim settled into a seat. There was a new lightness to his step, a bounce in his once hung shoulders. His eyes were pointed forward rather than at his shoes.

On a different day, in a different lifetime, it would have given Jim pause, made him nervous and lightheaded and maybe a little bit nauseous. Today, it gave him hope.

Until, that is, he saw Penny disappear into Pam’s room, only to come back a short while later with a grim expression and a curt shake of her head. In no unspoken terms, he knew that she didn’t want to see him.

But as he let his heart speak for him, make his every decision despite what logic dictated he do, he waited in that chair, just in case she changed her mind.

-----------

A weight had been lifted from her shoulders, only to be replaced by a ton of bricks, pushing her down and making it difficult to breathe.

After Roy left, after her cathartic crying experience, after a well deserved rest, she awoke to her sister at her bedside. She waited the appropriate amount of time before asking, So, how’d it go?

It took Pam awhile to form the words, to decide where she wanted to start. Her lips parted and closed, parted and closed. Penny was patient, her features soft and composed as she gave her big sister all the time she needed.

“I’m not engaged anymore.”

She expected the words to exit her body like a cleanse, to be washed away of the new realizations and push them back to the past, where they belonged.

But that was the problem with this whole losing through years deal, she realized. Her past was all of a sudden her present again. So instead of letting her words leave on a sigh of relief, they left with a hitch in her voice and fresh tears, her cheeks stretched tight as she clenched her teeth in a sore attempt to stop them.

She braced herself for the telltale Penny one-liners about Roy.

We never liked him anyway.

Good riddance. You would’ve been wasting your life with that one.

And you’re upset about that? God, Pam, get your head out of your ass. See this as a blessing! You’re the one who called it off, anyway.

It was a welcome surprise when her sister’s voice, small but still comforting, said, “I know, Pammy. I’m so sorry. I know it hurts,” instead.

“I guess I shouldn’t be so upset,” she said through snotty tears and an ironic chuckle. “I’m the one who ended things.”

Penny was pulling away now, offering her big sister a tissue as she nodded slowly.

“You did. But it wasn’t a night and day thing, Pammy. It took a lot out of you.”

Pam sniffled, dried her nose, and honed in on the truth that her sister was finally clueing her into.

“But, in the end, I think you had to learn how to just be you. I think being with Roy, letting him destroy you over these past couple of years, it really opened up your eyes.”

Hearing words like destroyed describe the forgotten years of her life made her flinch, but as Penny continued, she found herself in an uneven sense of ease.

“I’m really proud of you. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard to watch you go through so much bullshit over the past year or so. But Pam, you came out stronger. You found your voice, and you learned to speak up for yourself, to go after what Pam wants. I think that’s what you really needed. And I hope that girl isn’t lost inside of you after all of this. I hope she finds her way back to us.”

On the one hand, her sister was speaking about her like she hung the stars in the sky. But at the same time, this person Penny was describing was so foreign to her, so ridiculously out of reach that she choked back laughter, then a sob, realizing that she wasn’t sure how to find her way back.

“So,” Penny started again, “do you want me to get Jim? I’ll bet he’s--”

“No.”

It was firm, the most stable her voice had been. Her head shook rapidly from side to side, insistent on her decision despite the look on Penny’s face.

“I guess you’re right,” Penny recoiled slowly. “You’ve probably had enough for today. I should let you get your rest anyway. I’ll just tell him to come back tomorrow--”

“No, Penny. You don’t get it.”

Penny paused, in agreement with her sister’s assumption of ignorance.

“I don’t...I can’t see him. I just…”

Something about this admission sparked fresh tears, the I can’t of her statement causing her to flinch and clutch her eyes and reach for her ringless finger in a flurry of moves that had her shaking her head faster to purge the feelings.

“Pam--”

“He lied too, Penny. And...I…”

She bit her bottom lip, her tears flowing freely now.

“Why does it hurt so much worse with him?”

Her words were a choked whisper, and Penny saw no choice but to grab the hands of her sister and hold on tightly, biting back her own tears as she whispered back, “Because he lov...he cares about you so much Pam.”

“I can’t.”

It was more decisive this time, but exhausting all the same.

Still, when her sister left the room to let her get some rest, Pam couldn’t help but peek her head out the door, seeing a mop of brown hair fall dejectedly when Penny no doubt told him that he wouldn’t be stepping foot in Pam’s room that day.

In the late afternoon, she was alone. An orderly accompanied her on a mostly silent walk for her daily PT, conversation stilted and awkward when the poor young man finally got the hint that Pam didn’t want to talk. As she rounded the corner, her sour mood softened at the sight of a girl not much older than a toddler effectively dragging her father down the hallway.

“He’s gotta be down here somewhere, daddy.”

The voice was insistent, her expression determined beneath untamed curls that Pam couldn’t help but empathize with.

“Oh! There’s a doctor. Maybe he can help.”

“Cece, wait--”

“‘Cuse me, mister.”

Pam watched as the little girl released her father’s hand and ran the twenty foot gap to the orderly who was walking her down the hallway. Suddenly, she was face to face with this little girl.

“How can I help you, sweetheart?” her orderly asked.

“Do you know where Jim is? His friend is staying in the head boo-boo part of the hospital, but I can’t find him. He has brown hair and is really tall. His nose is kinda big, too.”

Cece’s arm extended high above her head as she described just the man that Pam’s heart was breaking over.

“I’m sorry, kiddo, I’m not sure--”

“His friend’s name is Pam. She doesn’t 'member him and it made him real sad because he said he wants to marry her someday. But don’t worry, she’s not having a baby.”

Pam’s breath caught in her chest. Her head snapped sideways as she felt the orderly’s eyes on her, his mouth open in stunned silence as Pam dragged her gaze from the eyes of the stunned father slowly towards the little girl.

“Um...hi. My name is Pam. I...I might be who you’re looking for.”

The little girl’s eyes went wide with wonder, her lips parted enough for Pam to see tiny white teeth, a pink tongue.

With a nod from her orderly, she knelt in front of the little girl, wild curls now level with wilder curls, putting them nose to nose.

“Oh.”

She was used to the stunned stares, the wide eyes when someone new saw the yellowing of the bruises on her face. She bit her lip in anticipation of the cries and cringes, especially from a child, but instead, this little ball of fire had a tiny hand raising slowly, her fingers touching from Pam’s temple to her cheek.

“I like your pretty colors.”

“Thank you,” was all she could muster, her lips curling into a grateful smile as the little girl continued to scan her face, to tickle her cheeks.

“Jim said that you got-ed a boo-boo on your head. Does it hurt?”

“Only a little,” she said, her words stronger now and growing. “The, uh...the doctors gave me some medicine to help with the pain.”

“That’s good,” Cece nodded. “Daddy said that mommy couldn’t have medicine to make her owies go away because it might hurt my baby sister. But she’s gonna get better now that the baby is out of her tummy. That’s why I came down here. I wanted to tell Jim about my new baby. Do you know where he is?”

Her head was nodding slowly, but quicker than she could control her own reaction, as if her body were working mechanically against her.

“Oh, good. Could you show me?”

Cece was already grabbing onto Pam’s hand, tugging before she stood up all the way.

“Cecelia, sweetheart, we shouldn't--”

“No, it’s okay,” Pam said with a chuckle, righting herself next to the little girl who was growing impatient. “I...I can show her.”

Their walk down the hallway was silent save for the squeak of their shoes. Pam chewed the inside of her lip, still trying to piece this whole thing together. Cece’s mom must have had birthing complications. But where did Jim fit into that equation?

Had she said something about getting married?

They rounded the corner, the familiar sight of the top of Jim’s head, his chin cradled in his palms, greeting them. As soon as Cece recognized him, her hand was gone, and she took off across the floor.

“Jim!”

His head shot up at the sound of his own name, and Pam watched his expression go from somber to confused to a widespread grin.

“Hey, Cece. How’d you find me all the way down here?”

His eyes searched for any sign of her father, worried that she might have escaped, knowing already how independent and adventurous the little girl could be. His grin upon seeing Ben faltered as soon as he noticed the rest of the little group that had gathered in the now congested waiting area. Their eyes locked for only a moment before Cece pulled his attention again, by climbing into his lap.

“I didn’t. I found Pam. And she said she knew were you were. But guess what? I’m a big sister now!”

Her words were flying at a million miles a minute, but he was stunned elsewhere, watching Pam watch him, trying his best not to break down and shove the little girl to the floor in favor of breaking down at Pam’s feet. He concentrated his best on Cece’s words, choking out a, “Wow! That’s great! Congratulations! Is it a boy or a girl?” but his eyes told a different tale than his tone.

“It’s a girl. Her name is Nora Jane Humphreys. But I’m still gonna call her Princess Sparkles Unicorn.”

The last portion was whispered, her tiny hand cupping around Jim’s ear. But Ben and Pam still heard, and Ben chuckled as he leaned down towards Pam with a whisper of his own.

“I’m so sorry about all of this. She’s our little spitfire, Cece is. We can leave you guys alone. I know you’re still in recovery, and you probably need your rest.”

She offered Ben a shy smile and nod.

“No, it’s okay. I’m kind of tired of the same company, you know? Don’t worry about it.”

Every fiber of her being pulled her attention back towards this odd scene of a little curly headed girl in Jim’s lap. Her heart ached as it swelled, beat more quickly through the cotton of her nightgown.

When Cece was beckoning in her direction, waving with her whole hand as she said, “Pam, do you wanna see pictures, too?” her feet seemed to move of their own accord, pulling her into the seat next to Jim. With no armrest between them on the bench style seat, the little girl squashed herself onto both of their laps, pulling a wad of Polaroids from the Hello Kitty purse that was strung around her neck.

It took all of her power to focus on the little girl, on the pictures and stories and She doesn’t even cry a lot! Hey Pam, did you know that Jim was gonna sell his baby sister? I would never sell my baby sister, because despite the center of attention between them, her eyes were focused one person to Cece’s right, on the green eyes that were darting back and forth all the while.

It was strange, the way she could read the apology, the sorrow, the passion in his eyes, all between flicks downward into the little girl’s lap. It told stories of I’m sorry and I want to make this right and something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

It was so reminiscent of the flashes she’d had, of him on the boat, the pleading and the longing and something she just couldn’t place. But she could feel it. Deep in her bones, she could feel it pulling at her, doing its best to claw its way out of her.

But as she continued to stare, continued to try to make sense of all this, she fell Cece’s hand tugging at her wrist, pointing to the picture that the four year old had clearly taken herself of the baby. It was mostly blanket, with a hint of chubby chin. Pam did her best to ogle over the picture, earning a grin from the little girl.

When the pile of pictures was neatly tucked back into her purse, Pam had the sudden craving to know more about the relationship she had just been dragged into.

“So, Cece. How do you know Jim?”

The little girl’s reply was instant.

“Oh. He was snorin’ in the waiting room while I was trying to watch Hannah Mom-tana. So I woke him up and he read me books.”

It was so simple, an afterthought, really, as she shrugged her shoulder and hopped off their laps.

“Hey now,” Jim countered, laughter in his voice. “I don’t snore.”

“You do too snore.”

Their voices were identical in inflection, down to the emphases and the cock of the eyebrow. Jim and Ben shared a freaky expression before turning back towards the woman who had just knocked him down a peg. Cece was giggling behind her fingers. Behind Pam’s fingers was a look of shock, of confusion, and a little bit of frustration. Where did that come from?

“Oh. Pam?”

Once again, she was shocked from her rollercoaster of emotions, a bouncing set of curls in her face as Cece brought her attention off the runaway track. The little girl was beckoning with her fingers, an indication that she wanted to whisper into Pam’s ear. The look on Cece’s face was all business as evidenced by the scrunch in her eyebrows.

Pam’s spine went cold when the little girl let her secret brush past her lips.

“Jim said that your owie made you forget some stuff. But it’s okay. My daddy says that when grandma forgets, we just have to tell her how much we love her, and be patient, ‘cause she’ll remember. So that’s what I told Jim. But mommy says if daddy isn’t listening, sometimes she has to kick him in the nards to make sure he’s paying attention. Whatever that means. Don’t tell Jim though.”

It was too much and just what she needed all the same. Her reaction was part laughter mingled with a choked sob that she muffled with a palm across her lips.

“Thank you,” she whispered back to Cece, who was signalling a “thumbs up,” that Pam warmly reciprocated.

“Alright, little girl. It’s about time we stopped bugging these nice people and got you home.”

With that, Cece was bounding into Ben’s arms, her arms wrapped snugly around his neck.

“Hey, daddy? Can Jim and Pam come see baby Nora?”

Jim and Pam shared a look, then snapped their gazes to Ben, both intent to let him know that it was okay if he declined his four year old’s offer.

“You know what, baby? Nora’s still sick, so right now she can’t have visitors. But what if we got Jim’s phone number, and once she and Pam are feeling better, maybe we could have a little visit?”

Cece’s eyes beamed, and she clapped her hands together, her toothy grin sparkling as Ben fished his phone from his pocket.

“If that’s alright with you guys?”

Jim nodded, his eyes finding Pam as he said, “Yeah, that would be great. Pam?”

She watched his eyes settle on the floor first, then his knees, then finally meeting hers, his lips parted in anticipation. Her smile was shy, her slight nod meant for him before she turned to face Cece.

“I would love that. You’ll be my first call as soon as I’m all better.”

When the little girl exclaimed, “Yay!” she was shushed by her father, a reminder that, “We’re in a hospital, baby, I’ve told you this. You have to keep your voice down,” obviously something he’d said many times since the little family was first admitted.

“Sorry,” she whispered loudly, nuzzling into her father’s neck.

As goodbyes were shared and their little group dwindled down to two, Pam’s orderly disappearing once he checked to make sure she could get back to her room okay, a soft tension settled back on the waiting room.

She didn’t want to stay, but she had no desire to move, either. Her body was still tingling, her head a little fuzzy from whatever had just happened in those past ten minutes of her life. Right now, she couldn’t form words, had no energy to sit and have another heart wrenching conversation with this man whose eyes shined with so much emotion, presumably all for her. But suddenly, just the thought of leaving him made her heart tear in two.

But it was getting late. The sun was on the horizon, soft purples and blues feathering the parking lot, dusting through the windows. She was exhausted, but that was nothing new nowadays. At the same moment that this thought crossed her mind, he was smiling at her softly, almost shy, as his eyes dropped to his lap, before cocking his head towards her door.

“Can I...do you want some help? I don’t want you to take a spill on your way back.”

His kind words were delivered in a tone that reminded her of the sandman, gravelly and thick, a little raspy. She was nodding slowly, her smile small as he extended a hand to help her up.

His touch was gone as soon as it was there, the tingling in her fingers lingering long after he had watched her get into bed safely. It didn’t pass her by, the way he hadn’t touched her, had only hovered closely as they made the short journey to her room.