His morning's sales call went great. With the commission from this sale, he could afford a new car, or at least the down payment. His roomate, Mark, had finally admitted that those fruit flavored cigars smelled disgusting. He had even eaten breakfast. And, most importantly, he had a plan. Pretty soon, if all went well, he would be hanging out more and more with Pam outside of work, becoming part of her life. If she became friends with his friends, then there would be no issue with Roy. They could hang out anytime. Really be best friends, not just work friends. Abd before you knew it, she’d realize she’d rather be with him.

This plan would work, too. All except maybe the last part. And it was indefinite.There would never be a point in which Roy would butt in and stop them from being together. 'Not being together, being friends,' he reminded himself. Jim took the stairs two steps at a time, excited to see Pam, joke around about her weird number fortune telling, and flirt about their future together. He took a breath, tried to tone down the big smile on his face, and opened the office door. Today was going to be the perfect day.

After he set down his things, he all but skipped over to reception.

"You look pleased with yourself." Pam could always read him so well. That's why they would be perfect together. "Don't tell me you're actually starting to like this job."

"God no!" He choked on the weirdly salty jellybean he was eating. Popcorn maybe? "I do, however," he recovered with a throat clear, "find myself incapable of not liking the money."

"Who knew you were such a Material Girl?"

"You're forgetting that this is a material world." He smiled broadly at the Madonna reference, leaning against her desk and popping more, hopefully less nasty, jelly beans in his mouth. "So, how's it going back at home base, Beesly? What's the plan for lunch?"

Pam tugged at her sleeve anxiously and looked down at her desk. "Actually, Roy and I are eating together today."

Jim couldn't help but feel a bit hurt. Lunch was their time, what he had been looking forward to all day. "Fancy date in the warehouse? So romantic." The bitter undertones surprised even him.

"I packed a lunch for us." Pam was immediately on the defense, the little v appearing between her eyebrows. "It's kind of romantic."

Jim just raised an eyebrow and went back to his desk, not looking back up at her even as he left to eat his lunch.

At 12:15, or rather a little after, Roy entered the office and tapped on Pam's desk. Casually, as though he belonged there, he leaned on her desk. She smiled up at him with her pretty green eyes all shining and bright. She gave him a little kiss on the cheek as he put his arm around her waist and they left together. One foot out the door, Jim spied Roy’s oafish hand snaking its way down and squeezing her butt. A ripple of disgust rolled through Jim’s body. He couldn't look away.

Was he a masochist? The pain of watching the girl you love leave with another man was by no means unfamiliar, you'd think he'd get used to it or at least learn to look away. He knew he was watching them with sad eyes reflecting a deep aching in his chest. He knew that anyone could see; she could see. It was not even halfway through the day and he could really use a drink. The pain of a perfect day ruined was nothing compared to yet another hit of the world telling him that Pam would never feel for him the way he felt for her. He could see about taking a swig from Meredith's flask; he knew she'd share, but that wasn't a real option. He did what he did everyday: he put on his face and got back to work.

Messing with Dwight always brought Jim back up when he was feeling down. Something small, just to bring him back to reality. It had been a couple days since he'd pulled a good prank. Jello? Classic, but a little overdone, a little obvious. Changing the order of the keys on his keyboard? Great Idea, but he'd need access and he had no idea when dwight would be leaving his desk for any period of time long enough. Something simple. He could run out to the store during his lunch and just replace all of Dwight's pens and pencils with crayons, but then he might have to walk past Pam and Roy, probably making out in the parking lot. He drummed his fingers on the desk. He needed something to distract him. He had the perfect plan.

Jim, aside in the conference room, "Yeah, Pam's having lunch with Roy today. It's fine, it's fine. That's fine. Do I miss having lunch with my friend, sure, but it's fine. I'm fine. They're together. Engaged. And that's… totally… fine. " He scratched his head and focused his attention down at his shoes.

Lunch with Roy was nice. They sat outside on the benches by the side entrance to the warehouse, huddled in their big coats for warmth, and looking out at the hedge that surrounded the building. The view wasn't fantastic and part of her wanted to go up to the roof, but she just couldn't. There was something that made her only want to go up there with Jim, watch Dwight dance around fireworks, and share terrible delicious grilled cheese sandwiches. On the side of the building, they caught some heat off of the open warehouse door, so it was a better option anyway.

She and Roy never spoke much, but it wasn't an awkward silence; it was comfortable. It wasn't meaningful, but it was easy. He'd tell her about something that happened in the warehouse, she'd tell him about some idiotic thing Michael or Dwight had done. Lately she had been avoiding the subject of them. There was something a little too mean, a little too mocking in the way he laughed at them. There was always some conversation, nothing memorable, T.V., work, plans for the weekend, but mostly they spent their time in companionable silence. It was nice, she told herself, nice.

Jim was still picking at his sandwich and chips at his desk when she returned. She smiled and waved at him, but even after she caught his eye, he just ignored her. After fifteen minutes back at her desk and nothing from Jim, she was getting annoyed.

"Hey." She walked up to his desk, arms crossed in annoyance.

"Hey." A non-committal answer. A nothing answer. He was ignoring her.

"How was lunch?" She was trying. She really was. If he would just stop being difficult and tell her what was wrong, she could fix this.

"It was fine, I'm just really busy right now." He didn't look up from his typing.

"Okay," she stormed to the bathroom.

Pam, in the conference room with the blinds closed "I don't know what his problem is. It's not like he's never eaten lunch without me before. What about all those client lunches where I have to eat with Oscar or Toby or Angela? What? He can have plans but I can't? This is so unlike him. I can't believe him." She wrung her hands. "I'm so sorry. Toby and Oscar are lovely people. I really do enjoy their company. Angela, too, I guess. Sorry."

The day had been surprisingly busy following his morning meeting with Michael. He had planned to set aside large parts of the day to observe and set his plan in action. This had not happened. He was able to, however, interview the women of the office and assess who was and was not likely to be a victim of abuse. Dwight shook his head at the thought of the poor, weak women in this office. Not everyone could be like Angela. Angela was strong, and hardy, but very feminine. She would make a wonderful mother someday.

He had approached Phyllis first, cornering her in the kitchen. "How's it going with Bob Vance?" He asked as casually as he could, leaning against the counter and taking a long drink from a water bottle. People didn't really talk to Phyllis about her person life, and for good reason. She was matronly. Boring.

"It's going so well. Actually, he asked me to move in with him. Isn't that exciting?" Phyllis gushed at being asked a personal question. Weak. A real sign of strength was the ability to compartmentalize your personal and professional lives. Phyllis was on the list.

"Living together before marriage? Really Phyllis? And I thought better of you." Angela appeared in the doorway, joining in the conversation Dwight was trying to end.

"You would never live with someone before marriage?" He asked cautiously. His plans for their future together were leading to that. He would have to readjust.

"Of course not, I'm not some hussy." Her eyebrows raised in indignation as she glanced at Phyllis and back to reception.

"Not even if you and he were… invested in the relationship?" He pushed. He knew she had morals, her morals were part of why he was drawn to her, but they were having sex before marriage, what was the big difference? He loved her, he wanted to start their future together before too long.

"If he cared for me enough to be… invested, he should ask me to marry him." She said confidently, looking him directly in the eye, eyebrow raised in a challenge. He was captivated. He was scared. This was moving very quickly.

"Are you… invested in anyone these days?" He asked, a little breathless, but still on his feet.

"No." She said succinctly and with a turn of her heal, she left the kitchen.

Dwight leaned a little more heavily against the counter, shaken from what had gone on. He pulled himself together when he realized Phyllis was still there. She had been there for the entire conversation. And, luckily, more than anything, she looked confused.

"Why are you still here, Phyllis? Get back to work. Your pitiable sales record is bringing us all down."

Phyllis, aside in the conference room, "I don't know what that was about. I do just fine with my sales, thank you very much... Do you think there could be something going on between Dwight and Angela?" She looked excited for a moment until her face dropped. "No. That doesn't make any sense. Never mind."

Jim had spent the past hour or more working on the document. He had grabbed the header from a government agricultural website, added it to his document, and compressed the word document down into a pdf. And it looked good. Really good. Dwight would definitely buy it. But Jim wasn't feeling better. Not really. He couldn't while Pam was still upset with him. He had been cold, he had hurt her. Self preservation, right? It had been almost an hour since he had talked to her and the guilt was eating him alive. The deep hollow pain of longing pressed on his chest while guilt twisted his stomach. He couldn't live like this. Self preservation or not, he couldn't just be cold because she had someone else. It wasn't in him. It wasn't fair to her.

To: pamela.beesly@dundermifflin.net

From: james.halpert@dunermifflin.net

Subject: poison beets - a new study

So while you were at lunch I had this great idea. Surprisingly what I have been working on has not been my actual work, so out of character for me, I know. I finally finished it though. It's a pretty legit, if I do say so myself, looking article about a new scientific study that proves that beets are seriously hazardous to your health. I stole the header and author information from the National Agricultural Survey and photo-shopped it in. I put WAY too much time in it. I know. I've got it attached. What do you think? Can you read it over and play along when the time comes?

-Jim

A few minutes later, when Dwight left his desk, Jim headed over to reception and whispered "Did you get my message?"

"This is so cool." Pam's eyes were bright, excitement and joy radiated off of her as though she was going to burst. She never looked like this around Roy, it was only for him. And suddenly Jim's day was perfect again. Pam continued, "Like seriously cool. But, I was thinking, what if I bring up the article? I know it's your thing but-"

"No, yeah yeah, totally." Her taking part in the prank was better than her laughing at it. Pranking Dwight was their thing. They had a thing. "He's way more likely to believe you. I'm gonna get back before he comes out and then let's do this!"

Pam gave him a brilliant smile and a stealthy salute before getting back to work. He started heading back to his desk, but then thought better of it. "Hey, wait. One more thing." he grabbed some jelly beans for good measure. "Would you... umm... would you wanna go out for drinks with me tomorrow night? Not just me, of course, but I'm meeting up with a bunch of old friends and we're just gonna hang out, get drinks, play games. Normal stuff, and I was - uh - wondering if you'd want to join? Roy can come, too, of course." He winced at his fumbling delivery. So much for the old Halpert charm.

"Uh, yeah." She blushed. That had to mean something."Yeah, that sounds great. Roy and I don't have any plans and he loves drinking."

"Cool." He drummed his fingers on her desk, unable to stop a huge grin from spreading across his face. "Awesome."

Jim decided to actually knock out some of his real work while they waited for the perfect moment to strike. About ten minutes later Pam's voice called him back to the prank.

"Hey Dwight? Why do you grow beets again?" She had taken something over to the copier and had stopped on her way back.

"I'm glad you asked that, Pam." Dwight sat up straighter and smiled at her with a proud look on his face. "Beets are an extremely nutritious not to mention delicious root vegetable. They are proven to lengthen life spans and lead to increased fertility in both men and women."

"Really?" Pam crossed her arms and leaned back against her desk. "It's just that I read this article, and I know you know a lot about beets, but it's just that it said beet consumption was one of the leading causes of cancer in America."

"That is false." Dwight scoffed, "Beets actively prevent cancer. Beets give Schrutes a near immunity to cancer. My great uncle eats at least 5 beets everyday and he's 103. You can't believe everything you hear on the internet, Pam."

"No, I read something about that too." Jim added, stroking his chin a bit for effect. "Didn't it say the beets degraded soil? Like growing beets in one place for an extended time depleted all the nutrients from the soil."

"No, that's not true at all." Dwight dismissed almost casually, but some cracks were already beginning to show. "Sure some additional nitrogen helps yield a good crop, but that's just basic farming."

"I heard that they are really bad for your teeth. Like really bad." Pam continued, playing to Jim this time. "Like the sugars in beets, beet sugar, has the right chemical make-up to cause dental hydroplosion."

"What's that? That's not. -" Dwight started, now clearly concerned

"I definitely heard that." Jim interrupted, hiding a grin at seeing Dwight so flustered "Did you read about how beets are bad for your eyes? They're like the opposite of carrots."

"Really?" Pam was great at this, Jim could almost buy the surprise and horror in her voice.

"No, that's a lie!" Dwight slammed his hands down on his desk, “They aren’t the opposite of… That doesn’t make sense!”

"Carrots are so good for you, Pam. They help you see in the dark." Jim continued, egging Dwight on.

"I should eat more carrots, shouldn't I Jim? Swap out my beets for carrots?" Pam asked him, a cute little line of concern creasing her brow.

"NO. Don't eat more carrots, Pam." Dwight, flustered, gestured madly, trying to grab Pam's attention away from Jim. "Beet greens contain more beta-carotene that a carrot ever could!"

"I don't know Dwight, carrots seem like the safer option." She really looked like she genuinely wanted his opinion.

"They are a fad vegetable." Dwight ranted. "Before you know it carrot cakes will be out and people will be eating beet cakes like the good old days."

"No, don't listen to him," Jim shook his head. "You're much safer switching to carrots."

"Shut Up, Jim!" Dwight stood up and turned to Pam, hands out, pleading. "Pam, he doesn't know what he is talking about. Beets are healthy, delicious, and a key part of a balanced diet! The article is probably just some sham from a jealous carrot farmer."

"I don't know Dwight, It looked pretty official to me." She headed back behind her desk. "I'll email you the PDF right now."

"Hey, I think I found that same article you're looking at. The one from the government website?" A little mention of legitimacy would drive Dwight beyond the brink.

"Government!?" Horror spread across Dwight's face.

"Yeah. that's the one. I'm sending it over to Dwight now."

"Hey look," Jim turned his monitor to show Dwight, pointing at a line in the PDF. "It says here that the rate of spontaneous human combustion is directly linked with beet consumption. That the odd chemical makeup of beet sugar acts as a fuel. Hey Dwight, didn't your grandfather die of spontaneous human combustion?"

"What? No. It was my great aunt's brother. And it was unrelated!"

"I don't know, that's proof if I've ever heard any." Jim shrugged, trying to hide his smile

"I'm scared, Jim." Pam looked at him, eyes round and innocent. "Should I be worried about Spontaneous Human Combustion?"

"Very worried." Jim said grimly. "If I were you, I'd completely cut beets out of your diet."

"That's it. I'm switching to carrots." Pam said with a shake of her head, settling back into her work space.

"IT'S LIES, PAM! DON'T SWITCH TO CARROTS!"

Pam, aside, a gleeful smile on her face, "Don't tell anyone this, but I actually really like roasted beets on a salad. But Jim would never let me live it down."