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Author's Chapter Notes:
Pam at 4 am.

Pam was surprised to find herself jerk awake at…what time was it, anyway? She fumbled for her phone before realizing that the TV above Jim’s bed was still on (though the sound was off) and CNN was very interested in telling her it was 4:12 am. She watched whichever preternaturally handsome CNN anchor it was who drew the short straw for the overnight shift (or maybe he was secretly on location in like India or Algeria or something, so it wasn’t as late/early there) mouth voiceless words about whatever crisis it was they were reporting on now—something to do with Albania or something—for a while, trying to decide whether to fall back asleep. A big twinge in her back decided her. She had no idea how Larissa had managed to sleep here for two nights; these chairs were clearly not intended for human habitation. She took Jim’s hand and kissed it quickly, as if she were going to be caught by somebody.

 

“Hey, Halpert, you’ve really got to do something about the accommodations around here.”

 

Her own voice sounded strange to her in the comparative silence of the room. She could hear the nurse somewhere on the floor bustling around doing something productive, and a few electronic whirs and clicks from some of the devices with which the room was crammed, but little else. She looked down at Jim, sudden tears blurring his bed (large, white, rectangular) and his face (oval, pink but far too gray, small) in her sight. She sat back down heavily.

 

“C’mon Halpert. You gotta pull through. If you don’t pull through, you don’t get to make fun of me for how stupid I was last month. You know you can’t resist the chance to tell me you were right after all when I say I’m in love with you.”

 

What’s that? a voice in her brain taunted her. Pretty big words from you there, Beesly. You love him? I mean, just between you and me, yes, you do, and you have a for a good long while now, haven’t you? But where was this when it could do some good, huh? Where were these big, brave words when he was looking at you with his heart in his eyes and his stomach in his mouth? Then it was I can’t—or worse, nothing at all. Just a nod. You broke his heart with a nod, Beesly. Where was this then

 

Yeah? another part of her chimed back—to her utter startlement, since she was beginning to think she had nothing but self-loathing left in her. Hey, voice, wherever you come from, you ever notice what you call me?

 

Yeah, Beesly? What’s it to you?

 

Ever notice that only one person ever calls me that? Jim Halpert.

 

So? her inner critic seemed nervous.

 

So I think it’s worth noticing that Jim’s so much a part of me that even you think of me in his terms. His words are in my heart, voice, and no matter what you say that’s what matters. So it took me a little while to realize how I felt. I know now. And I’m not going to hurt him again.

 

Big talk.

 

I’m here now, aren’t I?

 

...

 

That’s what I thought. And if…no, when Jim wakes up, I’m going to still be here, and I’m going to tell him how I feel.

 

Pam sighed. She was here now. And right now she was pretty sure she wanted to tell Jim how she felt. But it was hard to keep believing that she’d have the chance, with Jim hooked up to all those drips and devices. Still, that second voice was right. Jim was a part of her, and she wasn’t going to let that part of her go without a fight. And if that meant she had to wait forever, well…she’d made him wait a long time. It was her turn, if there had to be turns. But she wasn’t entirely sure there did.

 

“C’mon Jim. Wake up. Then it can be our turn.”

 

But he didn’t wake up. After a few minutes of staring at him and holding his hand, Pam felt her back ache again, and she slipped out the door, squeezing Jim’s hand as she left and whispering “Be right back, Halpert. Don’t go anywhere.”

 

She found the nurse exiting one of the other patients’ rooms and greeted her with a warm smile.

 

“Hi, Ellen.”

 

“Hi, Pam. How’s my patient? I was just going to look in on him.”

 

“I mean, you can probably tell better than I can, but he seems the same.”

 

“Hey, Pam, that’s good.” Ellen looked Pam in the eye. “We don’t know when Jim will regain consciousness or how he’s going to heal, but right now he’s stable, and stable is good. In the morning the doctors will come in and check in on him, and we’ll know more, but if you weren’t hearing any frantic beeping and he was still breathing, then there’s still hope. OK?”

 

“OK. I’ll let you check in on him—I’m going up to the Relaxation Room, because my back is killing me—but can you give me an update when I get back?”

 

“No problem, as long as you don’t interrupt me with another patient. Go on, get some rest.”

 

“Thanks, Ellen.”

 

Pam turned for the Relaxation Room (left, no, right, it was a left coming back which means it’s a right now, then straight for two hallways…or was it three?) in a better frame of mind. Jim wasn’t alright, no, but the nurse didn’t seem extremely worried. And while she might not have told Pam if she were, surely she wouldn’t have volunteered that particular set of encouraging words if she thought Jim was deep in the weeds, right? That had to mean something.

 

She made it to the room and sat for a little while, but she could hardly relax despite the room’s name. She had a lot to tell Jim, and bottling it up was difficult, but finding the words was even harder—and would be harder still, she had to admit, once he could actually hear them. She reached into her purse and pulled out a little notebook. Well, if she had so much to say, maybe she had better start by getting some of it down on paper…

Chapter End Notes:
Apparently my versions of Pam always have at least three voices in their head (c.f. Asset Management). Sorry about that. And don't worry, Jim will wake up soon, but (just to warn you) Pam and Larissa will still have a little while to go without him as a full participant--whatever that will mean. Thank you to all who read and review, because I really do appreciate the feedback.

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