Do you ever just feel like you might not be good enough for someone? I guess before I go into that, I should apologize to myself? Maybe? I’ve been trying to make a better effort of actually journaling and based on the nearly two weeks separation of entries, I’m clearly doing well with that. Ugh.
It’s basically been two weeks since James and I started dating and I just don’t feel like I’m right for him. It doesn’t help that we don’t get to see each other that often….I mean we really haven’t even spoken to each other too much either. I wish there was some way we could just always been within reach of each other. Like send the person a quick snippet of a message and then that person could respond, but you didn’t always have to physically be talking to someone? That would make this so much easier. Then we wouldn’t have to always wait on our parents to be off the phone or our dumb siblings hogging it.
Aside from the lack of communication, he just has all this drive and knows what he wants. I most certainly DO NOT know what I want or anything of the sort. I mean, I thought I did, but then you know….this summer happened. I’m kind of enjoying the creative writing class I’m in, but I just don’t feel like it’s my calling.
With art, I felt like it was my calling. I felt freer than a bird on a spring morning. I felt invincible, alive, and well. Now I just feel like I’m dying. Maybe rather that my childhood is dead. I no longer feel like the world is inherently good. To me it now just feels like I have to do what’s required of me until another calling happens. Will it ever happen? What am I supposed to do? Dear God, it’s me, Pam. Wait, that's not right...Are you there God? It’s me, Pam. I feel like Margaret and I would have been friends. She’s just as confused as I am right now. I’m lost, confused, and I want to know if I have a boyfriend or not, dangit!
Okay, so a bit of a tangit, but James knows what he wants. I just don’t. I feel like we might not be as compatible as I had thought. Am I wrong? I don’t feel like I am. I mean the last time we talked, he seemed a bit distant, but I might have read into that wrong. I really hope I didn’t. I mean, we just started dating and we haven’t actually gone on another date since our redo.
Oh my goodness, what if he doesn’t like me anymore???? He’s so great, but I just feel so...well, I don’t know...not, wonderful? I should be feeling wonderful. I should be head over heels thinking I’m in love with him. That’s what always happens to the girls in the movies. Hold on I have to go for a bit, I’ll be back.
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So Isabel says I’m being ridiculous. She’s not wrong. I was definitely talking (erm, writing), in circles earlier. However, I still stand by what I said. My point is, I, Pam, am not good enough for James. Simple as that. James is so far out of my league that it’s actually funny that I think someone as dorky as me would have a chance with him and it actually works out. Clearly he hasn’t called because he’s come to his senses. I should just break it off with him now. Save him the trouble of having to do it. Yeah. I’m calling him now.
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Okay, so I really am stupid. He got grounded. He’s been grounded for awhile. That’s why he hasn’t called me back. Okay so I feel better about this for sure. His mom told me that he would call me back when he was done being grounded. She didn’t say when that would be or what he was grounded for. So that kind of stinks. I wish I had a better idea so I could I don’t know, PLAN MY LIFE Ugh how frustrating is this?! So Isabel was right and I’m just really really really dumb. I shouldn’t be dating based on my maturity level. Wow.
On that note, I should write about some other things that aren’t so boy-ish. As I mentioned for the approximately negative people who will ever read this, my creative writing course is fine. Roy has been talking to me lately and moved his seat next to mine. It’s so odd. Did I just get hot all of a sudden? Why are people taking notice of me more?
Roy keeps asking me to go on a date with him and being really pushy. Every time he asks I tell him that I have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t seem to get through his thick skull. I’ll admit though, it’s nice to get the attention from someone… I’ve learned a lot about him actually. He plays football (which I already knew actually), but he wants to go play for a college. Although he doesn’t know where yet. He also doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. He has an annoying younger sibling too and is only taking creative writing to boost his GPA. I feel like we might be kindred spirits, going through all that we both are right now. We’re practically living the same life.
Roy did invite me to hang out with his friend group after the football game next week. If James is ungrounded by then I think I might invite him. Maybe we’ll have our own little friend group. If not, at least I have some new friends maybe.
Aside from all this junk, I’m also trying to find a part time job. Doing what, not sure, but if you know anyone looking, let me know (have a laugh, future Pam). I just know mom and dad said they aren’t paying for my insurance in a few months and I need to save up. It will be good though, I can save up for other things. Maybe I’ll go on a spring break trip with all my friends I might make. That would be fun! Although, mom and dad might not let me actually go anyway. Well, I’ll cross that bridge if I ever reach it. Until then, I’ll just bask in this beautiful, nearing Fall, weather that we’re getting. I can’t believe how nice it is for the end of August. I wish it was like this all the time and we could just avoid the snow!
Anyway, mom is calling for me so I guess it’s time for me to go. Bye Pam! Bye Pam? Is it weird to say bye to yourself in a journal only you’ll read? Not sure, but it’s mine and I make the rules!
