Okay, apologizing to my future self who has to deal with the jumping into the future so far everything I write. There has been so much going on. While I know writing it in here would PROBABLY help me process it (according to Penny who likes to randomly be wise(?)), I just can’t do everything I want, plus school, plus my part time job, plus whatever it is that is my relationship? Is there one? So confused. So tired of it.
Before I get into James and stuff….
I found a part time job at an office down the street doing receptionist work after school. It’s incredibly mind-numbing and I’d rather pull my hair out than listen to my obnoxious boss ask me to get him coffee in different, stupid, mostly insulting, voices each time. BUT, I’m not in for the job experience, I’m just in for the money so my stupid car can drive Penny to stupid school and I can buy stupid groceries when mom or dad asks. UGH. I’m clearly not in the right mindset to be writing, but if it helps then WHATEVER.
The job is super lame, but the people I work with make the few hours I’m there a day suck less (aside from my boss, whose name is Michael by the way. I’m pretty sure he endured some crazy trauma as a child and now acts that way to cover it up-my guess anyway). I just file away papers and answer some calls. Like I said, truly mind numbing.
I’ve worked there for three weeks so far and I’m already counting down the days until I can quit. Is this what being an adult is like? Is this why adults are so cranky? This would make so much more sense as to why mom and dad are always mad when Penny and I come home from school and watch TV instead of washing the dishes. However, I have a complaint about this now. I have school AND a job, yet I’m still expected to do my same amount of chores. Why is that? My day has been equally difficult to get through. I have unnecessary boy drama (that I didn’t even ask for...wait I guess I did...for my birthday 6 months ago. Be careful what you wish for future Pam)!
What’s worse is that ROY works there too. He works in the warehouse and thankfully we don’t interact that much, but when he sees me, he always wants to talk. I have a boyfriend. I don’t want to talk. I mean, James wasn’t able to come out with us a few weeks ago so I did get to spend some time with Roy and his friends. They were really rowdy. I wasn’t a big fan, but it felt nice to be a part of a group for once. They convinced me to try alcohol for the first time. I wish I hadn’t because now I just feel really guilty for some reason. I didn’t hate it, but Roy thought it was so funny and in his much more tipsy state than I, kept calling me Pammy. I didn’t like that either, but didn’t tell him not to call me that. Now our whole office and creative writing class has started calling me Pammy. Marsha and her posse stretching it out as if mocking me and asking me to challenge them “PAAAAAA-MMMMMMMIE” is what I swear Marsha practically screeched at me on last Friday with her stupid fake smile and stupid everything.
UGH I HATE HIGH SCHOOL. I HATE THIS CREATIVE WRITING CLASS AND I HATE WORKING. I just want to go back to being a kid with zero responsibilities, painting when I wanted to (but even that has been ruined for me), and being invisible. I wish I had never made my birthday wish about finding a boy who would like me. I should have made it “become more introspective” or something lame like that.
My art friends want nothing to do with me anymore. They say I’ve become “different” since being around Roy and his friends. I don’t know how, I still don’t talk around them that much and the only difference is that I’m in creative writing and not painting classes. I still like to read, go see bad movies, and sit under the sun and watch the clouds. I don’t know why they don’t see that anymore. All they see is someone who has Roy’s stupid beefy arm around them and they usually turn around before they see me shrug it off.
Which brings me to James. As if the whole no talking for awhile thing didn’t mess us up enough, it’s gotten back to him that I’m flirting with Roy. Which I’m most certainly not! I tried explaining to James that I don’t like Roy and that I tried to get them to all hang out a few weeks ago. That just angered James more. I don’t even know how he found out since WE GO TO DIFFERENT SCHOOLS. It just makes me really mad. He’s so great and we just can’t get it together it seems.
Now that I have a job, he’s never free and when he is, I’m not. It’s just the vicious cycle. I feel like Roy and I would be better together. We clearly have more in common. I mean we work together. We go to the same school. He likes having me around his friends. I’ve never even met James’s friends. I mean, he did invite me to go to the movies with them, but I was working. Then I ended up staying later than I meant to. That wasn’t my fault though. Micheal is actually insane and wanted to learn more “Teen lingo” as he called it and needed my “immediate” help. It wasn’t immediate. It was a great waste of time.
Anyway, our Fall dance is this Friday and I called to ask James to go to it last night, but he was at pre-season conditioning for basketball (whatever that is) and Roy asked me if I wanted to go with their friend group to which I agreed. I’m thinking that might be a bad idea. I’ll try calling James to ask him again and maybe we can actually see each other? I don’t feel like I can just drive over to his house either, believe me, I’ve thought about that so many times. We haven’t been together that long really and the few times we’ve seen each other, other people have been around. How do you even have a relationship like that?
At least when I’m around Roy, I kind of feel like I matter. At least more than when I’m around James. It might be because Roy is more go with the flow and James has his whole life planned out. I don’t even know what I want to do with the rest of my life and I find it comforting that Roy doesn’t either.
James is great, but he and I just don’t have the mindset. We’ll see how long this lasts.
Okay, I do feel a bit more relaxed after hashing out my feelings here, but at the same time sad for the clear impending doom of my relationship. I guess if we breakup it won’t be that uncomfortable seeing as the separation of different schools. I guess I’ll cross that bridge if and when we get to it. For now, I’m going to focus on trying to get ahold of him to even go to this dumb dance.
