Everytime I end my previous journal entry, I think to myself, “Wow, Pam, you gotta do better next time and write more frequently” and then I pull this garbage. So future me, try not to take my lack of journal entries personally, I just suck so there’s that.

Life has been pretty bleh these last few months. I miss Jim. Not that it matters anymore, but before we broke up he wanted to start going by Jim. He had said he needed to practice his adult name before he went to college and went into the professional world. It was equal parts weird and funny and goofy and altogether why we wouldn’t have worked out. Again, who plans their future that much and thinks about things like that? Not me, ha! At this point I’ve realized creative writing is not my life calling and I started drawing sketches again. Isabel helped me realize I was being an idiot by not doing something I was talented at. I still don’t know if it’s my life’s calling, but maybe just an extreme hobby? So future wise all I know is Jim and I aren’t right for each other and I signed up for art classes next semester.

I wish Jim had called me and come after me when we broke up. He just proved what I already thought. It just hurt more knowing he realized it too. I saw him in the newspaper for getting the VP of National Honor Society position. I’m happy for him. He’s great and deserves someone at that same level.

I’ve been hanging out with Roy a lot more lately. We do have a lot in common, like I mentioned before. He totally makes fun of my doodles and obsession with art. It’s all in good fun. He says my doodles remind him of the “lame cartoons he watched as a kid that were a bit off” so I drew him as one and he wasn’t laughing anymore. I did though. We just joke around like that a lot. 

He’s asked me to hang out with him and his friends a lot and I do sometimes. It seems like they like to drink a lot. I’ve definitely tried more since I started spending time with them. It makes me feel like an adult and more separated from being around Penny all the time. They party a lot too which is definitely a different pace for me, but I’ve met so many people. Marsha and Cindy are even nicer to me now. It’s a weird feeling. Maybe I’m popular? More people say hi to me. That could be because I walk down the hallway with Roy a lot and he’s popular from playing football. Either way, this feeling is completely foreign to me and I kind of like it? 

Aside from that, Roy tried kissing me a few days ago. I just turned away and let him kiss my cheek. It wasn’t that bad of a kiss from what I could tell. He has some stubble growing in so that felt weird when it brushed my face. I might let him kiss me next time he tries. He’s so big and is really assertive. It’s a bit attractive and it’s nice to feel like someone could protect me if I needed it. He really shows this when he’s around his friends and they all wrestle each other. It’s really funny. He’s really good. I’m starting to think he’s pretty cute too.

I’m happy I haven’t accidentally run into Jim. How weird would that be? I usually try to make sure I look presentable when I go into public. Just in case. Isabel says that probably means I still like him. I mean she’s not wrong. But I made my bed and now I must lie in it. He’s way too good for me. That’s why I like Roy. We’re equal. We can relate to each other. That’s all there is to it. 

I’ll try and write again before Thanksgiving. HA!