Before I get into the confusing things about my life, a tiny life update is in order! I got my early acceptance (officially) into the art therapy program! So I know I mentioned it the other day that it was what I was majoring in, but it really wasn’t official until yesterday when I got my letter. There are so many people that want to go into the art therapy major that they require a second application to go through when you’re a freshman. 

Most people get into the program, but early admission into it is typically unheard of for freshman! Early admittance for freshman is what regular admittance is for sophomores. Which means they think I’m at the sophomore level already! How exciting! Jen and Jim agreed that we need to go out and celebrate. I told them we didn’t have to, but Jim said I needed to start seeing myself as a serious artist like he sees me. I think that’s funny, but very nice of him.

So more about Jim...tonight was movie night and we watched Sleepless in Seattle. Jim had never seen the move before and spent half the time telling me how unrealistic parts of the movie were. I explained to him that while not entirely incorrect, it was a movie and the whole point was to make us believe in love. The WHOLE point is to show us that our soulmate can be out there on the opposite side of the country (or world) and we can still find our way to them.

I asked Jim if he believed in soulmates. I was kind of curious, you know? Most guys think it’s a Hallmark generated, made up kind of thing that only people destined to be alone believe in to make themselves feel better. Personally, I think it exists and to my actual surprise, so did he.

He said something along the lines of, “Even it doesn’t exist, why would I go about my life thinking otherwise? That just sounds miserable. If I think it does, that would make my life that much more satisfying, right?”. He then LOOKS at me with these weird eyes and says, “I believe in soulmates and think we’re destined to be with someone special, don’t you?”

I felt like I lost my voice, my throat had gotten all dry, and I kind of remember starting to sweat? He was staring at me so intently. I know I said yes, but I don’t remember very much after that. I think I blacked out. I do that during important parts of my life (like high school graduation - I don’t remember Joe Bader tripping across the stage before I accepted my diploma, I only know it happened because we watched the VHS tape the next day).

I felt such a tingling in my stomach, like a thousand butterflies had been released when he said that. I remember my face getting warmer like I had gone on a run (also, ha, unlikely), but not much else before he excused himself for the night.

The next thing I remember is Jen walking in (which was an hour ago). I guess I looked like a ghost standing there. She asked me if I was okay because I was really pale and just staring off into nothing (at least that’s what she told me).

I don’t even know how to process this information. He seemed like he was trying to tell me something? Maybe? Maybe he wasn’t? We know I’m not great at predicting Jim’s emotions or feelings. Heck, I can’t even figure out my own emotions! Example A is this entire diary.

I vaguely remember him knocking on the door frame a bit before he left, like he didn’t know what to do either. Let alone, like he didn’t want to leave.

I wish he hadn’t.

I wish he would have stayed.

I wish I was brave and had gone after him.

I’ll save that for another day.