I used to write quite a bit of fanfiction for other fandoms back in the day. I haven’t done so in a while, though, mostly because I didn’t have a reason/any inspiration to do so. However, after recently discovering and becoming addicted to The Office and Jim/Pam like how Ryan is addicted to crack, here I am. I discovered this song a couple years ago but after hearing it again the other day, I realized how perfectly it describes Jim and Pam, specifically around the Casino Night timeframe. So, this is mostly when this takes place, with some flashbacks/references to previous times. I also add some stuff that didn’t happen, because we deserved more than we got that night. This is mostly Jim’s POV, but some parts are Pam’s. Hopefully I can do that without making it confusing. I’m also bad at remembering to keep the first person POV going, so ignore any mistakes if I don’t catch myself a couple times lol. I would recommend listening to the song before reading if you haven’t heard it. I hope you all enjoy!

Song – Our Time Together by Ivan B ft. Marie Elizabeth

And, of course, I own nothing, though I wish I did. All characters, plotlines, quotes, songs, etc belong to their respectful owners. No copyright infringement intended.

And maybe someday It's me and you

But right now, I can't seem to feel it too

Lately all I know is you're running through my mind

I know it hurts, it's just not our time

As the door shuts behind him and his footsteps fade into the distance, I finally let the tears hiding behind my eyes fall down my face. I feel numb, but mostly because I can’t allow myself to feel how I truly want to feel. My fingers find my lips, pressing gently and wishing as I close my eyes, that somehow, he can hear me screaming at him to come back. I slide down the front of his desk, not caring that the handles of his drawers are jamming into my back. All I can feel as I clutch my sides is his arms around me, holding me close, like he never wanted to let go. And how I never wanted him to, either. I wish I had the strength, the courage, to run down after him. To take it all back, to apologize and kiss him again.

But I know as I sit there on the floor, no matter how much I, honestly, truly, love him, I can’t get up. I have to marry Roy, it’s the right thing to do.

I'm used to it all

I'm used to finding someone and go losing it all

Tell 'em that I'm fine

Don't you worry at all

Pick up my phone at 1AM

And now I'm sending a call

I knew it was a stupid choice. I knew from the moment I walked into Dunder Mifflin on my first day of work that it was a stupid choice to fall in love with the pretty, curly haired receptionist. Of course, I didn’t know I would quickly fall in love during those first few seconds of walking in the door and heading up to her desk to start getting situated. But when she smiled and, before even knowing her name, she says “Enjoy this moment… because you’re never going to go back to this time before you met your desk-mate Dwight” well, I might as well have gotten down on one knee right then and there.

From that moment on, it just got worse. The inside jokes, the telling looks, the shared smiles. Every time something happened with Pam or even if someone just referenced Pam, my heart swelled just a little bit more. Of course, it also shrunk a considerable amount when she casually mentions finalizing her wedding colors. She’s mentioned Roy before, and I’ve met him once or twice, but before this conversation I never noticed the ring on her left hand, so I assumed he was just a boyfriend. I hoped she didn’t notice the flash of disappointment on my face when I realized she was engaged. Then again, maybe in some way I hoped she had.

But then, as I looked at her, a smile creeping up my face after realizing that I had just kissed the love of my life, and she kissed me back. The feel of her fingers in my hair still lingering, I held onto her hands and say, maybe a bit raspier than I meant to, “You have no idea... how long I’ve wanted to do that.” When she whispered, “me too,” I felt my heart nearly explode. But just as quickly as it was exploding with joy, it was shattering into a million pieces for every nod she gave while confirming she was still going to marry Roy. “Okay.” And it’s fine. Truly, it’s fine. In my fantasy, I had hoped she would jump into my arms and confess her love for me but, realistically, I figured that wouldn’t be the case. I hadn’t completely expected the blunt rejection both times I confronted her, but I also knew this wasn’t going to be as easy as I had hoped.

And now, hours later, as I drive around Scranton, not ready to face the emptiness of my apartment but definitely not stepping anywhere close to Dunder Mifflin, I sigh and look at the clock on the dashboard and see it’s almost one a.m. I noticed the clock as I first stepped into the car and remember it reading 10:39 p.m. Almost two hours of mindless driving, thinking only of Pam and what my next steps were. I can’t stay in Scranton. I can’t face seeing her every day, knowing what we did and how I feel, and expect things to even somewhat resemble normalcy. I especially could not stick around and watch her marry her jerk of a fiancée. That would certainly kill me. No, I had to leave. I pull off to the side of the road and pick up my phone. I laugh out loud as I realized I started to subconsciously type in Pam’s number. Sighing, I delete the numbers previously showing on the screen and type in Jan’s number. It’s late, and I’ll probably have to leave a voicemail, but I need to leave as soon as possible.

Caring less and less around me

All my time has been around you

Let you when you told me not to

Held your hand, I said "I got you”

Ocean in your eyes

I've been lost at sea

Drowning in my thoughts

It was you and me

And now I sit on my couch, the clock slowing ticking on, as I stare blankly ahead. Jan had answered my call, though she slurred her words and had me repeat some sentences, so I’m not sure how much she would remember in the morning. I don’t care though, because come Monday morning I would no longer be an employee of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I knew I should be packing, or at least doing some research on my new position in Stamford, but I couldn’t get myself to move. I didn’t even bother taking off my shoes at the door. The only thing I had stopped to grab before crumbling onto the couch was a bottle of beer from the fridge, but I forgot to grab the bottle opener, and I can’t muster up the energy to go get it. So, it’s just sitting in my hand, close to providing relief but unavailable to do so, and I chuckle at the resemblance between this now warm bottle of beer and Pam Beesly. Pam, who had been so close to me only hours before, her body pressed almost as closely to mine as her lips had been, but now she’s who knows where, unavailable to him, and how he wished he was holding onto her now instead of this stupid bottle. I set the bottle down on the coffee table and rub my eyes with the palms of my hands. All I can think about is her and for the first time since I’ve met her, I wish I could stop.

It wouldn’t be so hard if she didn’t make it so easy to love her. She doesn’t even have to try and I’m stumbling over my words while talking to her. I mean, I guess it makes sense if I think about it. I spend at least eight hours a day with her five days a week. Anybody would fall in love with someone they spent that much time with. But then again, I certainly wasn’t in love with Dwight and I spend just as much time with him, if not more. But the time spent with Pam was different. It wasn’t quarterly sales talk like he did with Phyllis, or HR talk like he did with Toby. The time spent with Pam was in the little moments, and it was fun. It made me want to walk into that boring office to make boring calls every weekday. It made me want to find an excuse to stay late when he overhears Michael telling Pam he needs her help once everyone starts getting up to leave. Plans for pranks against Dwight, or ways to get Michael to leave early so they could all leave early or stealing a couple jellybeans while watching her doodle in between phone calls and games of solitaire. Anything in order to have a conversation with her, even if only for a second. I love just looking at her, watching the way her hand freely moves while drawing like it knows exactly where to go, watching the corners of her mouth frown slightly when she gets stuck on a game of minesweeper, and then immediately turn back up when I give her a tip and she wins the game, watching the sides of her eyes crinkle slightly when she grins at a stupid joke I made.

Her eyes are my favorite thing to look at, with how much emotion and depth they hold. How we could have a full-blown conversation while not speaking a word, only looks given to one another. I love their color, how vibrantly green they are when she shows me her latest drawing, and how they seem to dull when she tells me about her latest fight with Roy. I could spend forever looking into her eyes, but now I had to move on, taking the risk I may never see those beautiful, round, deep, green eyes again. The thought of it makes me stand and get that bottle opener, after all.

And I can't seem to find a single silver lining

Tell you that I'm fine, I'm lying

My heart will never wait for time

And don't you get it?

There's a reason I met you

You don't think that I get you?

Ask me why I'm trying

Cause I think that you're special

Embedded in my mind

Only you, nobody else

One beer didn’t seem to do anything, and neither did two, but on the third I’m finally starting to feel a tiny bit of a buzz. Not nearly enough to forget my troubles, but enough to release just a touch of pain. I grab another beer from the fridge to drink after this one is empty and start heading back to my room. I kick off my shoes haphazardly in the hallway, trying to make a mental note not to trip over them in the morning. I sit on the edge of my bed, put the unopened beer on the floor, and then my head into my hands. Nothing good came out of tonight. Yeah, I got to tell Pam how I feel, and I got to have the most wonderful kiss I’ve ever had in my life, but both ended in a shattering heartbreak. I don’t know if it was worth it. Maybe just sitting near her in the office everyday would have been enough for me for the rest of my life. Maybe those fleeting moments of connection between us would have added up to a lifetime of moments I could hold onto because I could still see her every day and I could still talk to her everyday and I could still briefly touch her every day. I could have settled for a nice girl after she married Roy. Maybe call Katy and ask her out again if she would let me. If Pam was going to settle for Roy, then I could have settled for a different girl. Because then I could walk into work each day, say good morning to the pretty, curly haired receptionist, and hold onto those little moments. But as I take my hands away from my face, I realized that I wouldn’t have been able to settle. Not only because it wouldn’t have been fair to this other girl, but because he would never want to go a day in his life without Pam Beesly by his side. So, I would have waited, just like I have been these past three years, hoping one day she would see the truth and come running over.

As I downed the rest of my current beer and started to open the one sitting on the floor, I suddenly hear my phone buzzing. I consider not answering it. I’m too tired, and hurt, and just numb to even think about answering. But when I glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand, I see 3:07 a.m. glowing in the dark, and I wonder who in the world is calling me at three in the morning. So, I dig the phone out of my front pocket and almost immediately drop it when I read the name on the front.

Beesly.

I stare at my phone for what seems like an eternity, and then finally flip it open when I realize it’s going to go to voicemail any second. I don’t know why I answered. I don’t think I meant to. I can’t handle this right now, but it’s done, and the phone is up to my ear. I think I said hello, but I don’t know if I just thought it or if it was too quiet for her to hear because it’s silent for a moment and then a quiet “Jim?” comes through the phone. It’s almost too much to hear her voice, especially when she sounds so sad.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Oh. Okay. Um. Hi.” She stumbles, and I can tell she doesn’t know why she is calling me. I don’t think she expected me to pick up.

“Hi, Pam.” I’m really trying not to sound so cold. But the beers are starting to get to me, and I can’t help that my heart is breaking with every second her voice is coming through the phone and I remember she isn’t standing right in front of me. I close my eyes to imagine she is, though that just makes it worse, so I run a hand through my hair and take a deep breath.

“Are you okay?”

It takes all of me not to laugh out loud. Am I okay? I don’t know, I only had my heart stomped on not once, but twice in the same night, and now the same woman who stomped on my heart is talking to me on the phone and I can’t even pretend like she’s here standing in front of me because it’s too much for me to take. So, no, I don’t think I’m okay.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Pam. I’m totally fine with what’s going on right now.” I can hear her sniffling, and I feel bad, really, I do. But if I’m going to leave and risk never seeing this girl, this girl I am completely and utterly obsessed with, again, then I have to get it all out in the open. Even more than earlier tonight. “But you know that’s a lie, right? You must. So why don’t I just be honest, because I’ve been trying to be honest with you all night and how much worse could it get?” I don’t even know if I’m making sense anymore. I just need her to see this wasn’t a spur of the moment, I had a couple beers while gambling and you were right there and so, so beautiful so I thought I would just confess my love to you kind of moment. If those even exist. This is real, and it hurts. A lot.

“Listen, Pam. I know tonight didn’t go how either one of us expected. I know it’s not good timing and you’re getting married, and I’m just your friend, and that means a lot to you, but I don’t care anymore. I can’t wait for the right timing, Pam. Because then you’re going to marry Roy and then it will never be the right timing. And I can’t let you marry him without knowing that I gave you another option. That I am here, and I have been here for the past three years, just waiting for you to realize. And I don’t know if I just didn’t make it obvious enough or if you’re just in some sort of deep denial, but you weren’t realizing it and so I had to make it clear. I have to make it clear. I’m in love with you. I have been in love with you for a long time now. I don’t know what it is about you, either. But you’re just imprinted on my mind, and I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s like we were both supposed to work at Dunder Mifflin, I was supposed to walk in that Monday morning almost three and a half years ago and see you sitting at that desk, and our paths were supposed to cross. Because this has never happened to me before, Pam. And I don’t care if I sound like a raging lunatic right now, which I am fully aware that I do, but you’re special, Pam. We get each other. We don’t even have to say a word in order to get the other person to know what they’re thinking. To know when the other needs a soda break or a joke sent their way. To know when we need encouragement or just a smile. We just know. And I don’t know about you, but I can’t say I can do the same thing with Angela or Stanley or Dwight. It’s only you, Pam. Only you.”

So many times you said there's somebody else

But you still picked up my calls

You still replied to my texts

I went and made you song

You said it made you a mess

It’s silent for a moment. It feels like it’s been years that I’ve just been sitting here, staring at the floor with the phone pressed up to my ear. But then I hear a sob on the other end, and my heart breaks even more, if that is even possible at this point. I sigh, and debate apologizing. Telling her to forget everything I said within the past twelve hours and that I’ll see her later, knowing that I won’t. But I stay silent, because I needed to do this for her to realize how serious I was tonight. But I also needed to do this for me, to see how serious she is about marrying Roy. There had to be a reason she called him, right? You don’t just call someone who confessed their love to you, twice in the same night, and who you rejected, again twice in the same night, because you want to have some small talk. No, you call because you need answers and that is what I am giving her.

“Jim. I’m sorry. I am, I’m really sorry.” She’s crying, sobbing. I can barely make out what she’s saying, but I know she’s saying sorry. I just don’t know what she’s sorry for.

“Sorry about what?” If he’s going to be so honest tonight, then he’s going to try his hardest to make her do the same.

“Everything. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have called. I just needed to hear your voice; hear you were okay. I just felt really bad about tonight and—”

“And what? And you were hoping we could still be friends? I told you, Pam. I don’t want to be friends. I want to be more than that.”

“But it’s not that easy, Jim. I’m engaged to Roy. I can’t just break up with him because you tell me you love me. I would hurt so many people if I just allowed myself to jump into your arms and not look back.”

“So why did you even bother calling me? I told you how I felt earlier, I tried to show you how I felt earlier, and now I just laid my heart out to you, and you are still rubbing it my face that you’re engaged to another man.”

“I’m not rubbing it in your face! I’m trying to explain this to you.”

“Explain what? That you’re getting married? I know that, trust me I know more about that than I ever wanted to.” I’m getting more frustrated, and I can tell she is too, but it’s too late now. We’re having this conversation and I’m not going to stop it until I have answers. I gave her all of my answers, it’s her turn. “I just don’t get it, Pam. There were so many signs that you liked me, and I mean as more than just a friend. All of our jokes, the phone calls, texts, the way we looked at each other. I mean, come on. This can’t be all one sided.”

It’s quiet for a second, then, “I listened to your mixtape that you made me for Christmas tonight after I got home.”

Then it was my turn to be quiet. What was her point? Finally, she spoke again.

“I actually listened to it six times before I called you. I needed to hear your voice after you left me at your desk, but I knew I couldn’t. So, I went home, and I pulled out the box with all the things from the teapot. I just wanted to; I don’t know. I don’t know what I wanted to do. But then I saw the mixtape and I went to Roy’s truck and put it in. And I couldn’t stop listening to it, and crying, because it reminded me of you. And I know that was probably the point, but I just needed to know that you didn’t hate me.”

Cause the cracks in your heart

It look just like mine

You and I were broken around the same time

Beautiful smile with all the pain in your eyes

You have a love so deep you trust the wrong guys

And I, Understand it more than anyone

You're not looking for connection with just anyone

What if I told you that I'm the better one

Spilling all my heart and ima let it run

I can feel her heart breaking. Like she doesn’t know what to say or do. She’s just talking because she’s scared if she stops, I’ll hang up and I’ll never talk to her again. And it’s funny, really, because even in this moment of desperation, of heartbreak and anger, we’re still connected. Two broken hearts, for different reasons. Mine because the girl I love is here on the phone with me after tearing me apart twice, and I let her keep talking even though it tears me apart even more, because I don’t want to stop hearing her voice. And her because she’s stuck between two choices, and no matter which choice she ends up choosing, she deeply hurts people who are close to her. But although our hearts are breaking because of each other, we also can’t hide the fact that something as simple as hearing the other’s voice is enough to lift just the smallest amount of pain. Before I know it, I’m talking again.

“I’m just surprised you don’t hate me after listening to my taste in music six times in a row.”

And I hear it. It’s small, and quiet, and maybe to the outside world it didn’t happen at all. But I can pick it out between a sea of a million people. Just the quietest of laughs, just loud enough for the phone to actually pick it up and send it my way. And I can’t help but smile too, because of course I can’t. I can just picture her, sitting in the pick up truck, tears streaming down her cheeks, and the most beautiful smile spread across her lips. And for a moment, it’s just us, Jim and Pam. Best friends who know each other better than any other human being.

“I’m sorry.” She’s talking again, and the moment is over. Back to reality, where I usually don’t like to be.

“For what?”

“For calling. I didn’t mean to cause you any more pain. I was just being selfish and needed to hear your voice.”

“That’s the only reason you called?”

“I guess so.”

“No, Pam. You guess so or you know so? Because I need to know your answer before we hang up.”

And it’s silent again. I can feel the tears starting. I haven’t cried yet tonight, besides that one tear after my first confession. I wasn’t going to let it get to me, let her get to me, even more than she already has. Even saying that, though, I know she couldn’t possibly get to me more than she already has. She owns every single part of me there is.

“It’s complicated.”

“It’s really not, though.”

“You can’t say that, Jim. You don’t get it from my perspective. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“You can’t be serious. Pam, I may not have known you for as long as Roy has, but I’ve known you for almost four years. I’m willing to bet that despite the time difference, I still know you better than Roy does. He doesn’t understand you like I do, Pam. He’s wrong for you. I’m not saying I’m perfect and I’m not saying we will be perfect all the time, but we will be way better than you and Roy.”

“Roy is a nice guy, Jim, whether you want to believe it or not.”

“A nice guy? Yeah maybe he’s polite at times but does a nice guy tell you to give up on your dreams because there’s no guarantee that it will lead anywhere? Does a nice guy not get you anything for valentines’ day except for ‘the best sex of your life’ which I doubt is true—”

“JIM. Stop. Just, stop. I’m sorry I ever called. I just hope you don’t find it in your heart to hate me and that we can still talk.”

“Pam—”

“No, I think we just need the rest of the night to think. I’ll see you Monday.”

And just like the phone connection, I felt like I had died right there.

My mind is saying leave you

But my heart says no

You made your choice

But I can't seem to let go

Thinking of your voice

In a world so cold

I'm breaking down now

But I won't let it show

And even if I'm crazy

It doesn't mean that I'm wrong

Wonder what you're thinking

As you listen to this song

I've been lost in my mind

But ima tell you I'm fine

But what's the point of "The One"

If you find them at the wrong time like

I should just leave tonight. Forget Monday morning. I’ll drive through the night, find a hotel in Stamford, and forget I ever knew a pretty, curly haired receptionist named Pam Beesly.

But it’s never that easy, is it? Never that easy to just leave your troubles behind you, get up, walk the other way, and pretend it never happened. No, it’s never that easy because then the world would be a much better place.

But why couldn’t it be that easy? It was pretty clear through her phone call that she chose Roy. For the third time. Tonight. I would laugh at how pathetic I must be in order to get rejected three times within six hours if I had the ability to feel any emotion at all. If I thought I felt numb before, I don’t even know what this feeling I have now is. I collapse onto my bed, laying on my back with my arm over my eyes. I have to quickly open my eyes, though, because all I can see is her smile. All I can hear is her laugh, her voice. All I can taste is her lips, and feel her body pressed against mine as I hold her as close as I can. This must be what going insane feels like. There’s no other explanation. I must be completely deranged to be this obsessed and overwhelmed with an engaged woman. Maybe a fresh start will do me good. Hearing her voice, knowing she called just to hear mine, made me consider backing out of the transfer. I’d head to Dunder Mifflin Scranton bright and early Monday morning, with a piece of cake for Michael and a plan to prank Dwight. But most importantly, I’d go into that office building and smile at Pam behind the desk, just like I did for the past three years and just like I’d do for the next fifty if she’d let me.

But then she decided she wouldn’t let me. Because “it’s complicated” and “I don’t get it” even though that is so far from the truth. I knew confessing my true feelings to her wasn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows. I knew she wasn’t going to kiss me, run off to break up with Roy, and then come back so we could spend the rest of our lives together. I knew there would be broken hearts and tears, I just was hoping they wouldn’t be mine.

So, even though I know Roy isn’t right for her, even though I know I could be, even though I know, for a fact, that Pam isn’t making the right choice, I will let her do what she thinks is right. I’ll be moving to Stamford come Monday morning. If she sees the light before then, then I’ll stay. And it won’t be pretty, or perfect, at first. But I know she’s the one for me, and because of that, and because of the choices she made tonight, I’ll be moving on. I can’t stand to stand around and watch her make the wrong choices when the right choice has been cracking jokes just to see her smile and stealing jellybeans from her desk for the past three and a half years.

And maybe someday It's me and you

But right now I can't seem to feel it too

Lately all I know is you're running through my mind

I know it hurts, it's just not our time

Baby don't you tell me that you don't see it too

You say you love me so then tell me, what can I do?

You're on my mind

I know it hurts, it's just not our time

I hung up the phone and tossed it to the other side of the truck bench. I gripped the steering wheel, laying my forehead against the top of it. I can’t believe I called him. Didn’t I put him through enough tonight? Am I some sort of sadist? I lean back, slouching against the seat of the truck, arms falling to my sides. Jim’s mixtape quietly plays in the background, and I reach to turn it up just a bit. He’s never going to forgive me, is he? He’s never going to want to look at me again, let alone talk to me or tell jokes. Oh, how I love his jokes. He can make even the worst day better with one of his goofy grins. I smile a bit, tears still streaming down my face, while I picture his lopsided smile. I look at the small clock on the dashboard of Roy’s truck and see it’s half past 4. So much for waking up early tomorrow, today?, and getting errands done. Though, at this point I’m not sure I could sleep if I wanted to.

All I really wanted to do was drive to Jim’s house and just ask him to hold me. To tell me what to do. To tell me it would be okay if I chose him. That the world would keep spinning and no one would get hurt. That they would be good together, better, even.

And the tears fall harder because he did tell me almost exactly that. Of course, he couldn’t tell me that people wouldn’t get hurt, and I know that. But in this situation, he was the only one who got hurt, and badly. And not just once, not twice, but three times. Maybe she is a sadist. I figure I put him through enough pain. Maybe I will go see him tomorrow, if I think I can manage it. Or maybe I’ll give him some space, talk to him on Monday. Ask if they can go out for coffee and talk. Beg him to please talk to her and maybe if he fights for her one more time, she will have the courage to leave Roy.

So, I’ll plan to talk to him on Monday, bright and early. I will have the coffee going for him and even bring his favorite donut from the café down the street. I can’t lose Jim, and even though I’m too cowardly to admit it out loud, to myself, I know I love him too. I just wish this was easier.

I can tell that you're cryin'

Let me shoulder your pain

You're looking at me funny

Do you know what you're saying

Ivan this isn't a game

I can't be feeling the same

I told you not to fight

For anything there's nothing to gain

I’m pacing around my bedroom. It’s five in the morning and I haven’t slept for a second. Every time I lay down and close my eyes, she’s there. She’s smiling and laughing and so beautiful. And if she’s not doing those things, then she’s sitting in Roy’s truck and crying. I’m not sure which one is worse. I keep replaying our phone conversation in my head. She acted as if we had to climb Mount Everest in order to be together. Like we have to find the meaning of life before she could admit to herself, and then me, her true feelings. “You don’t know what you’re saying.” Did she know what she was saying? She’s acting as if this is a game of Clue. We have to go back and forth across the board, crossing off options until we are allowed to look in the envelope and see the truth. Screw that. Screw the game, and the other players. Just open the envelope and let’s move on with our lives.

And I know Roy isn’t in that envelope. It may not be me, but it sure ain’t Roy. But what’s the point, now? She’s done fighting. She’s gonna marry him, she’s gonna have his kids, she’s gonna retire with him, and she’s gonna be buried next to him. And there’s no way she can expect him to just sit there and watch. Not after everything last night. At this point I’m not sure I even want to fight for her anymore. I love her, more than words can describe, but I can’t take this repeated heartbreak. I can’t take seeing her everyday and not being able to hold her.

And now things are harder

Cause I'm feeling it too

There was a wall for a reason

Why'd you go and break through

Then you made me a song

And it's been all in my mind

I know you're lying every time when you tell me you're fine

I met this guy before I met you

I put my trust in him before I met you

I got attached to him before I met you

Now you're on my mind ever since I met you

Next thing I knew it was bright out. I sat up, trying to get a sense of my surroundings. I realize I’m still in Roy’s truck, Jim’s mixtape still playing in the background, and I was curled up on the truck bench. I glance at the clock and it’s almost noon, I guess I finally wore myself out enough to pass out. I stretch and wonder where Roy is, and why he hasn’t figured out I’m gone. But then again, I’m not really ready to face him yet. He was asleep when I got home last night, and I’ve been in the truck pretty much since I got home. I decide to go on a walk, and as I go to take out the cassette and turn off the engine, I notice the tank is almost empty. Roy wouldn’t be happy about that, but I can deal with that later. I toss the keys into the same hiding spot we keep the house extra house key, and text Roy that it’s there. I’m not ready to go inside just yet. I walk down the driveway and head right. I don’t know where to go but anywhere except home is just fine.

It’s nice at first, the fresh air. Spring has been particularly warm this year, which I appreciate. I wish I went outside more, but Roy never wants to do anything after work and then just wants to hang out with his friends on the weekends, so I’m usually stuck at home if I don’t tag along with him, which almost never happens. I smile as I think about the walk Jim and I took last week to the café down the street for lunch. It was almost perfect, that day. The weather was great, Michael had gone up to corporate for the day, so work was actually being done, and Jim was in a good mood after finalizing his plans for his latest prank.

But as quickly as I smiled, I frowned, because last night’s memories came flooding back. Instead of Jim and I walking to the café together, we were in the parking lot. Jim wipes a tear away as he walks away from me, apologizing for misinterpreting our friendship. Instead of the sub pressing warm beams onto my skin, Jim was pressing his warm body against mine. Instead of Jim cracking jokes and making me laugh, he’s telling me that I’m choosing the wrong guy and that he loves me and wants to be with me, which makes me cry because I doesn’t have the strength to want the same thing.

Even though I do. I do want the same thing. But it’s scary and it’s new. And it’s with Jim, which isn’t bad at all, but I don’t know that life. I don’t know if he’s safe and secure like how Roy has been the past ten years. But it’s Jim, so it can’t be unsafe, right?

Why did he have to do that anyway? Fall in love with me? I mean, I fell in love with him too. But that doesn’t matter because I built a wall to keep him out just enough. Just enough so he couldn’t fall in love with me. Because I knew if he did, then what excuse did I have not to go to him? I mean, Roy is a pretty big excuse, he’s the excuse I used all last night. And I love Roy, as much as one could love Roy at this stage in life. I’ve known him for so long. Since we were teenagers. He’s predictable, and caring, and safe. But ever since that Monday morning almost four years ago, when a floppy haired, lopsided smile, goofy, lanky, gorgeous guy walked through those Dunder Mifflin doors, Jim is the only name I could associate my future self with, no matter how unpredictable it may be.

But what can I do?

Cause I don't think that you're getting it

A few months earlier with you

And maybe this would be different

Maybe you do really get me

And that's the thing that upsets me

I want him, I'm in your mind

So it's best if you forget me

And maybe it would have been different if he voiced his feelings a little earlier. But one month before my wedding? When everything is finalized and all I need is a couple final touches and then just waiting for the actual day to arrive? Weddings are expensive, Jim. I can’t just cancel everything willy nilly and run off to paradise with a coworker. Even if running off to paradise with this specific coworker would probably be better than any wedding she could ever imagine.

What right did he have, anyway? What right did he have to be so funny? So witty? So breathtakingly handsome it made it hard to look at him sometimes? No, he didn’t have any right to be any of that. But he especially didn’t have any right to be so attentive and caring towards me. To grab me a bag of sour cream and onion chips after I sigh in frustration at the prehistoric copier. To make faces at me from his desk when I’m stuck in a meeting with Michael and Jan taking notes. And he really had completely, absolutely, positively no right to get me the most perfect Christmas present which made my knees weak when I saw the contents hiding inside the already perfect teapot.

No, he had no right to love me the way that he did, because it made it completely impossible to stop loving him right back.

Maybe you're right

I don't think I'll ever get it

Love is making me blind

Picking up the phone

Then I'm putting it down

Like who am I to go ruin the happiness that you found?

I can go and tell my friends

That it was all so dumb

Then I'm writing in my room

Until my heart goes numb

Till my pen's all done

You know my heart wants more

Let's break it to pieces all again once more

I’ve packed up half of my room. I don’t really remember doing most of it. I do remember staring at an office Christmas party photo Michael took of Pam and I for about an hour. But besides that, all I know is half of my stuff is now in a couple of suitcases and some empty boxes I found downstairs. I hope I can remember where I put things once I get to Stamford, but until then I guess I’ll just continue throwing stuff in boxes. I keep the photo out, though. Because if I’m going to leave her behind, then I want her to be the very last thing I leave behind. I chuckle to myself; I’ve officially gone crazy. I’m holding onto a snapshot of a moment until the last minute because, right now, that’s all I’ve got. My phone buzzes and I reach for it, hoping it’s Pam, hoping it’s not Pam.

It’s Mark, asking if I want to hang out with him and his girlfriend. I toss the phone on the bed again and run a hand through my hair. I can’t go out today, I don’t have the energy. I couldn’t sleep at all after talking with Pam, hence why now half of my room is in boxes. I keep wondering if I should call her. But what else do I have to say? I spilled my heart out to her three times. It’s over. I’m moving on. Because if I don’t, I will literally end up in an asylum. Plus, why should I keep pining over her when she is clearly happy without me? She obviously wouldn’t have chosen Roy over me three times if she wasn’t happy with him. I just don’t see how she is. I don’t get it at all.

Maybe I should go hang out with Mark. He was always pretty good about advice when it came to Pam. He and his girlfriend were in a similar situation when they met, except she wasn’t engaged, just dating another dude. But when Mark told her he liked her, not even loved, just liked, she broke it off and they have been inseparable ever since. I was hoping last night would have a similar layout.

But instead I sit down at my desk, and I don’t know why, but I’m writing a letter to Pam. Maybe to explain why I’m leaving. Maybe to give her one more chance before I actually do go. Maybe to just tell her again that I love her, because she deserves to know. Either way, I’m writing and can’t stop. The words flow endlessly. I thought I had said everything I needed to say last night, but I guess my heart isn’t done yet. Signed with a “Love, Jim” at the end, I stare at the full page and a half I just wrote. Most of it is probably a jumbled mess, but I hope it gets the message across, nonetheless. I was never a writer, but doing this felt good, therapeutic. So, I fold it and stick it in my messenger bag. If she comes to him, he will give it to her. If not, then maybe I’ll write her a different letter another day. I can’t take a fourth heartbreak within 24 hours.

You can tell me that I'm wasting all my time

But I've been looking for a sign

And I've been finding it in you

And you can tell me he was there first

You can say you fell for him first

He'll never look at you

The way I look at you

You left a hole in my chest

That I don't think I can fill

It's like we met in a dream

But the feeling is real

And I can write a thousand lines

All the stars could align

What's all the love in the world if you find it at the wrong time…?

It’s 2:37 p.m. on Sunday when I finish packing my room. I have more stuff than I thought, but that’s mostly because I’ve started keeping things that Pam would comment on or things that reminded me of her. So, now I sit on the edge of my bed. I’m exhausted, but I don’t think I could sleep if I tried. I slept for about 3 hours last night, waking up to what I thought was a knock but was just the neighbors being especially noisy. I keep hoping she will knock at my door, left ring finger bare, and kiss me senseless. But as the seconds turn to minutes then to hours, I start to realize that she isn’t coming. I keep looking for a sign, anything that tells me to go fight for her. Whether it be as obvious as a text message from Pam herself, or something as complex as some cryptic message written amongst the clouds, I just needed something to prove it wasn’t over.

But nothing comes. I thought I saw Pam walking up my driveway, but as I swung the door open, it was just the mail lady delivering a package. I almost took that as a sign, as small as it was, but when the package was from Jan containing a set of keys and a nameplate for my new office, I decided it wasn’t. I set the package down on the counter and grab a beer. I think about the past three and a half years of my life and what I have accomplished. Not much, honestly. I became an uncle, which was cool. I was doing well at my job, not quite at the top but nowhere near the bottom. I made a couple new friends, thanks to Mark.

But everything that really mattered to me revolved around Pam. I got to start work at Dunder Mifflin, and meet the girl sitting behind the front desk. I got really good at pranking my desk-mate, one of my favorite hobbies, only because it made Pam giggle every time. I managed to make her smile the biggest I’ve ever seen after talking Michael out of giving Pam another “Longest Engagement” Dundie. The surprise kiss after that smile wasn’t too bad either. I got to watch her improve on her art throughout the years, even receiving quite a few pieces myself, which I keep in a folder on my desk. I got to kiss the woman of my dreams and she kissed me back after confessing my love for her. Everything after that sucked, but that moment would probably stay in my top 5 moments of life.

I guess I just wish Roy was never in the picture. Then none of this would have happened this way. Who knows, we could have been engaged or even married right now if she was single when we met. But they met in high school, which isn’t fair, really. I never stood a chance all because some football player decided he fancied the “artsy fartsy” girl, as Roy liked to put it. Sometimes I wish Pam was just a little less pretty, a little less special, just for the chance that Roy decided not to ask her out, and they never met. But of course, Pam is just so pretty, and just so special, that anyone would be stupid not to ask her out.

But I would treat her so much better. Roy doesn’t even look at her the way that I do. He looks at her like she’s an object, something to be owned and shown off. I look at her like a person, with a heart and a soul, who deserves to be shown off, but only because I love her too much, I just can’t help it.

Groaning, I take a long swig of my beer. I need to forget about her. My heart is too shattered to think of what could have been if one little detail was changed in our story. From now on, I will only allow myself to think about her while I’m dreaming, since I have no control over that. I mean, I don’t really have control over when I think about her during broad daylight, either, but at least I can try then. Pam is basically only a dream to me, now, anyway. Just a figment of his imagination, one moment she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and the next it’s a nightmare I’m begging to be woken up from.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I mean, after nearly four years of longing for her, any little bit of her I could get, don’t you think the universe would give us a break if it were meant to be? Don’t you think, for one moment, the stars would align, and everything would fall into place? I mean, it’s not ridiculous to think that maybe he wasted his time with her. No matter how funny, smart, talented, or incredibly beautiful she is, maybe he just doesn’t deserve her, so the universe holds back. I finish my beer in one last long swig, tossing the bottle into the recycling, and heading out to start packing his car. I thought she was the one, like really, truly, the one. But I guess she wasn’t, at least not in this timeline.

And maybe someday It's me and you

But right now I can't seem to feel it too

You're on my mind

I know it hurts, it's just not our time

It’s Monday morning and I woke up earlier than normal. I told Roy that Michael needed me to fax some papers early this morning so I would have an excuse to sneak out of the office and grab that donut from the café. I was going to tell Jim today. I wanted so badly to call him yesterday, or even show up at his doorstep, but I thought maybe he needed the space. I didn’t want him to think I was just telling him what he wanted to hear so he would be my friend again. I needed to have him know I was serious.

I am in love with Jim Halpert.

The thought makes me grin, and I can’t wait to see him today. I got to the office shortly after seven, Roy heading to the warehouse while I started towards the elevator. After he rounded the corner, though, I turned around and went to the café. I grabbed Jim’s favorite donut, and a chocolate croissant for myself, and headed back towards Dunder Mifflin. I’m the first one in the office, which I expected. Most people don’t start arriving until eight. I start the coffee maker, making sure it will be just the way Jim likes it for when he arrives. The hands on the clock slowly tick on, and people start slowly filing in shortly after eight a.m.

But then eight-thirty comes, and there’s no sign of Jim. But that’s okay, because I know he had a tough weekend. Nine o’clock rolls around and still nothing. I’m on a phone call when I glance at the time and sees it’s already ten. I’m starting to get worried; he hasn’t called in sick yet. But Michael isn’t here yet either, so maybe they had a last-minute early sales call to get to. Those happen, right? Every sound that seems like it’s coming from the front door makes me jump and swivel my chair around to look at it. But usually it’s nothing, maybe the air conditioning turning on or a Bob Vance employee leaving their offices next door. Finally, at 10:45, Michael walks through the door with Ryan by his side. I hadn’t even noticed Ryan was missing from the group, but when Michael leads Ryan to Jim’s desk and tells him to have fun, I grow concerned. Michael walks into his office, and I follow quickly behind, before the door even has a chance to fully close.

“Hey Michael,” I start, trying to sound as casual as possible.

“Pamela! To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Oh, um, I was just wondering if you’ve heard from Jim. He hasn’t called in sick yet, so I was just making sure everything was okay.”

“You haven’t heard? Jim’s the newest traitor on the street.”

“Traitor?”

“Yep, stabbed me right in the back. Didn’t even see it coming, either. He seemed fine Friday night during the casino event, but then Saturday morning Jan called me to let me know he would be transferring to the Stamford branch starting immediately.”

“What?” I choked the word out. This couldn’t be real. I talked to Jim at three a.m. Saturday morning. Had he already transferred? Did he transfer after I hung up? Why didn’t he tell me?

“Yeah, I know, weird right? But yeah, so Ryan will be taking his place. My boy is growing up, from a young temp to an official paper salesman. Can you believe it? Just a few days ago—Pam? Are you okay? You look like you’re gonna vomit.”

“No, um, I’m fine. I’m gonna go take an early lunch, if that’s okay.”

But before he could even answer I was out the door and down the stairs. I stopped on the landing between the two floors and slid down the wall, not even realizing I was already crying until I was on the ground. I can’t believe he just left. Right when I figured things out, he just up and left me. I was going to break up with Roy for him. I was going to call off my wedding and possibly break ties with Roy’s entire family for the chance that Jim and I would work out. But now he’s just gone. Without even telling me.

I guess that’s what I get for taking too long. I don’t deserve him, anyway. He’s better off without me playing mind games with him, even if I didn’t know I was. I sigh and lean back against the wall, letting the tears freely fall.

I guess we just never could get our timing right, huh?