I’m currently rewatching season 3 of The Office so I can write a fic about “The Job” but I wanted to write something in the meantime until I get to that episode. I just watched “Benihana Christmas” and “Back From Vacation” and I wonder what Jim and Pam’s thoughts were during them and what it would have been like for Jim and Pam to get together at this point. I also found this writing prompt and thought it may tie in well with this.

I’ll be switching back and forth between Jim and Pam’s thoughts like I did in my last fic. It’s in third person POV tho, so, hopefully it’s easy to follow along.

Prompt: “I wanted you to fight for me and you didn’t.”

I own nothing. All characters, references, plotlines, etc belong to their rightful owners. No copyright infringement intended. 

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“I feel like there’s a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do, then … what am I doing?”

As he walks out of the conference room, Jim catches sight of Pam at her desk. She’s doing something on her computer but glances up and gives a small smile to Jim before turning over to do some paperwork before he even has the chance to smile back. Jim moves back to his desk, hoping to get some work done before he’s pulled into the Christmas party.

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Pam never thought that her best friend coming back to work after leaving for a few months in another state would be awkward. Even if right before he left, he confessed his love for her, and she turned him down. No, she thought, or at least she hoped, that they’d be able to get coffee, talk it out a bit, and then go back to pranking Dwight and teasing Michael. Then, maybe, after he got situated, she would let him know how she really feels. And maybe he would still feel the same way. You can’t just fall out of love with someone because you moved away, right?

Except it’s only been awkward. He barely talks to her now. Truth be told, he barely looks at her now. And she can’t blame him; he has a new girlfriend after all. She feels like he made sure that was one of the first things he told her once he came back. And he told her at the very end of the workday, when he didn’t even know she was still there, which shows just how much they interacted that day. She hugged him when he arrived and was swiftly reminded of how he held her the night he kissed her, and then left for Connecticut. He cracked a joke, like he always does, but then moved to go back to his desk. They had a brief conversation in the break room where she learned he no longer drinks grape soda. No, he’s more of a bottled water guy now. Besides that, it was just little greetings and small smiles, and it has continued to be almost only little greetings and small smiles ever since then.

She wants to talk to him, though. Like, really talk to him. She won’t confess her feelings because he’s got a girlfriend and he’s happy with Karen. Pam tries to ignore the fact that she had a fiancée and was somewhat happy with him when Jim confessed to her. But, no, it’s not the same. She just wants her best friend back, that’s all.  If she can be his best friend while planning to marry another guy, then, surely, he can still be hers while dating another girl. That’s why she came up with this Christmas present. It was perfect and she had been working on it for months, before she even knew that he was coming back to Scranton. But he rejected it, claiming he wanted to be more professional with his new fancy promotion. Must be the bottled water that’s getting to him.

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But, really, it was Pam who was getting to him. He almost hated himself for accepting this new position, only because it brought him back to Scranton where he would have to face her every day. It’s not like he didn’t like seeing her face as he walks in each morning, quite the opposite, in fact. It’s just that it’s starting to get harder to ignore the little pang in his heart every time he’s reminded of what happened that warm May night. And every time he sees that pretty face behind reception, that night is all he can think about. So, he tries to ignore her. Gives her a “good morning” with a genuine smile, then a “have a good night, Pam” as he grabs his coat and walks out the door. If they converse outside of that, then that’s fine, but he isn’t going to start it and he’s going to get out of it as soon as he can.

He knows it’s petty and immature, but his heart cannot take another rejection, which is all he feels when they talk and she’s not his to hold. All he sees when her mouth is agape after Andy asks her out in Pig Latin is her in a pretty blue dress telling him he “misinterpreted things.” All he sees when they make faces at each other while Michael rages on about prison is her little nods after he asks if she’s still going to marry Roy. All he sees is his whole world crashing down around him anytime they hold eye contact for longer than a second. So, he really tries to not do that, to not do anything involving or referencing Pam Beesly. Somehow, though, he’s finding that harder and harder to do.

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Pam liked Karen when she first walked into the office on the day of the merger. She shook her hand and offered a sincere smile, welcoming her to her new insane workplace. And when Karen complimented Pam’s sweater, she liked her even more. Sure, she wore the sweater in hopes that Jim would be the one commenting on it, but an extra little boost of confidence before her best friend walked through the door never hurt. Unfortunately, she didn’t get the chance to warn Karen about Michael before he was already there and asking if Karen’s dad was a G.I. So, she went back to work until Jim walked through that door.

And then Pam found out that the girl who Jim was “starting to see” was Karen. She shouldn’t be surprised, really. Karen was very pretty, and obviously very smart. But ever since she found out Jim and Karen were dating, she distanced herself. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to Karen just in case Karen wanted to talk about Jim. Pam wasn’t ready for that yet. She didn’t want to know what Jim did on dates, and she especially did not want to know what he did after them, either. Pam never really knew the other girls Jim dated since they had met, or at least she never knew them well enough to get the chance to talk about him. She liked to keep it that way. If she didn’t know what was going on, she could pretend he just went home and watched basketball all night. That’s why she mostly stayed away from Karen Filippelli.

So, she’s not really sure what’s going on in her brain when she tells the camera crew, “I feel like I’ve been kinda cold to Karen and there’s no real reason for it. I mean it’s not like she’s ever done anything to me. So, I think I probably shouldn’t be cold to her.” Maybe she really just didn’t want to have to deal with another Angela Christmas Party. Maybe she thought that if she got close to Karen, then Jim would want to get close to her, again. Probably the latter.

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Jim almost couldn’t believe his eyes when he watched Pam walk past him, making a beeline for Karen. No paperwork to hand over, no messages to be delivered. No, Pam just walks right over, leans on the edge of Karen’s desk and has a full-on conversation with her. It’s not like he can tell her to stop or ask her what she’s doing, she’s not doing anything even remotely illegal or dangerous. She’s just being nice to a fellow coworker. A fellow coworker who he’s dating, even though he not-so-secretly wishes he was actually dating the one leaned up against the desk. Then Pam shifts and sits on the edge of the desk, and they’re giggling, and Jim grew concerned. How was he supposed to ignore Pam when she’s trying to become friends with his girlfriend?

Jim is almost thankful that Michael makes him go out to lunch with him, Andy, and Dwight. Any other day he would have suddenly come down with a stomach bug as they were entering the elevators, but today it was a welcome distraction. It felt good to joke around with Pam and Karen while also being able to tease Dwight and Angela after they were bickering over their Christmas parties. He missed being able to goof off a little, Stamford was usually so serious about everything. But then he’s back at his desk, and he can’t get Pam’s laugh out of his head. How ridiculous was he? Pam was sitting right next to Karen, his girlfriend, who should be the one he can’t stop thinking about. So, he goes to lunch, teases Dwight a little more, because this time it’s completely different than what Pam was trying to get him to do. It’s not a prank, it’s just, well, a prank. But it’s different, don’t worry.

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Pam has to physically hold herself back from laughing when Karen says, “he’s cute, you should date him” after Roy leaves the break room. Yeah, that ship has sailed, and it won’t be docking back here anytime soon. But Karen doesn’t know that, and she really doesn’t want to get into it right now, so she just shrugs and says, “yeah, maybe.”

Because Pam doesn’t care if Karen knows that her and Roy already dated, she doesn’t care if she knows that they were engaged and only a few days away from being husband and wife before Pam called it off. No, Pam just doesn’t want Karen to know that she called off her own wedding because of Jim and how she would do it all over again in a heartbeat if she had to in order to get Jim to just talk to her. She doesn’t want Karen to know because Karen is a nice girl who didn’t do anything wrong. She also doesn’t want her to know because Pam wants to tell Jim herself, someday, in hopes that he might come back to her. So, for now, Pam will be quiet and let Karen think that one day maybe her and Roy will date.

And then it’s nearing the end of the day and Pam is back behind reception. After merging the two Christmas parties together, the night seemed to go a bit smoother. Michael couldn’t keep track of his new girlfriend, Kelly sang karaoke to Ryan as he guzzled down a frozen margarita as fast as possible, and Roy even started dancing with most of her coworkers. She would have loved to have talked and teased about all of this with Jim, but when she looks over, she sees him and Karen exchanging gifts. She quickly picks up the reception’s phone in order to look busy while watching them. She can’t see exactly which movie it is, but she can tell they opened the same one, say something and laugh, then hug each other. It’s almost too much for her to take, but she can’t seem to look away. The camera crew pans over to her, though, so she switches the phone to her other hand and pretends to start writing something down. It isn’t long before Angela is at the karaoke mic and Roy is asking her if he can give her something.

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“You just had a rebound.”

“I had a rebound?”

“Yeah. Which, don’t get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it’s over, you’re left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.”

Jim notices after he finishes his sentence that he’s looking towards the reception desk. Pam isn’t there, but he looks down anyway, then back to the party where Dwight is singing. Michael seems to be in a better mood, giving Jim a cheery “Thanks, bud” before going off to his office with the camera crew. Jim sits there on the couch for a moment longer thinking about his conversation with Michael. It was such a “Michael thing” to do, bringing a random waitress to their Christmas party and declaring he was in love. He’s pretty sure Michael and Andy didn’t notice that the girls who were standing there in the office ten minutes ago weren’t even the same girls who took their orders in the restaurant. But, nevertheless, he had to give Michael a little bit of credit. He was trying to mend his own broken heart, wanting to love someone, anyone, because the girl he actually loved turned him down and walked away. He chuckles to himself when he realizes the resemblance between today and the night he told Pam he loved her, except he was the one who walked away from her. He just hoped that Karen wasn’t some rebound, and that he wasn’t just doing a “Michael thing.”

Before he can think too hard about it, Jim stands up and walks over to Phyllis’s desk, leaning back next to Ryan, just as Angela is turning on “Little Drummer Boy.” It’s not until he’s sitting there and watching Angela that he hears paper ripping. He turns to his right and sees Pam and Roy in the conference room. She’s opening up a present and Roy is looking down at her with so much hope and he can’t help but wonder what’s going on there. He can’t tell what the book is, but she seems really happy about it and hugs Roy around the neck. He quickly looks back over when they’re separating, not wanting to be caught watching. A little voice in his head hopes that one day he will be the one making Pam that happy. Then he realizes maybe he doesn’t have to wait that long, maybe he can make her that happy tonight.

His heart beats a little faster with every step he takes towards reception after the party has ended.

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She usually doesn’t mind being one of the last ones to leave each night. She likes being able to say bye to everyone as they head out, making small talk about whatever as they grab their coat and go towards the door. Tonight, though, Pam just wants to go to her empty apartment, pour a glass of wine, and watch a bad movie, hoping to make fun of it with Jim but knowing that won’t happen. But tonight, Michael asked if she could give him a ride home, since he rode his bike to work to donate it, and now that waitress has it. She guesses it’s the Christmas spirit lingering throughout the room that makes her accept. So, she sits at reception, trying to find anything to pass the time until Michael comes out of his office and is ready to go.

She never would have guessed Jim would come up to help pass by some of that time, especially since he says “Bye, Pam” and she wishes him a goodnight, turning back to her computer. But then he’s back at her desk, and he’s telling her that he intercepted a transmission and Dwight is needed for an ice cream social with the CIA. And she really tries not to smile, because she knows if she does she’ll look like an idiot by how big her grin is. And then he’s smiling back at her, and it’s not his full smile, but it’s more than the small, polite smile he’s given her for weeks, so she will take it.

“We should get him a bus ticket. To make his trip easier.” She’s trying to stay cool. It’s hard because he’s right there, leaning over her desk like he always used to do, and they’re joking around like they always used to do. So, she turns back to her computer to look up bus tickets because if she looks at him any longer then she just might explode.

“Oh no, that would be great.”

“It costs 75 dollars.”

“Oooh. Well, maybe the CIA can send a helicopter.”

And she can’t help the giggle that comes out of her. She missed this so much. She missed him so much. Even something as small as him standing near her and just looking at her, talking to her, acting as if they were still as best of friends as they were before he left, makes her feel like Jell-O. They email Dwight together, acting as the CIA, making sure it sounds believable. As she clicks “send” and leans back in her chair, she sees Michael getting up from his desk and grabbing his jacket. Jim turns to see what she’s looking at and then turns back and says he will let her go, but to let him know if there’s any updates on Dwight. She nods, promising that she will, and she’s sad to see this moment coming to an end. But then he taps his fingers on her desk as he takes a step back, and when he turns around to walk out the door, that idiotic grin shows up on her face anyway.

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The past couple of days have been stressful. Karen has been bugging him almost constantly about their relationship. He tried to just brush off most of her comments and questions as politely as he could, but she finally had it when he said her moving into a separate apartment two blocks away was “too close, too soon.” They got into a pretty heated argument with her accusing him of not even wanting to date her, and he had to hold back from telling her that maybe he didn’t. Instead he just walked away, saying he would call her later.

But now it’s the next day and they still haven’t really talked about it. Well, actually, they haven’t really talked at all. Jim did try calling her last night, a few hours after their argument when he thought it would be safe, but she ignored him. So, he texted her to ask her to call him and the next thing he knew he was walking into Dunder Mifflin alone early Monday morning. Karen walks into the kitchen a couple of hours later, and he feels obligated to follow her. He leans up against the counter as she reaches the coffee pot.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Nope.” And she turns around and walks away, camera crew following her. Jim groans and leans his head back. He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to reset, before pushing himself off the counter and going back to his desk.

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Pam notices the tension between Jim and Karen almost immediately. Mostly because they usually walk in together, but today Jim walked in by himself, Karen trailing behind half an hour later. No greetings exchanged between them; Karen wouldn’t even look at him. Jim sighed a little, resting his head in his hand while he turned back to his computer to work on something. She still hasn’t gotten used to not being able to see Jim’s face at any given moment, but she has gotten pretty good at telling how he’s feeling by the back of his head. When he’s happy and relaxed, the collar around his neck is looser and his hair is a little neater. When he’s stressed or upset, you can see the tension in his shoulders as they bunch up a bit, she can almost make out the definitions in his muscles since they’re so tense, and his hair is disheveled even more than usual.

It became painfully obvious that something was going on between them, though, when Michael calls everyone into the conference room to discuss his trip to Jamaica. Everyone files in, but even though her desk is the closest to the conference room door, Karen is the last one in the room. She follows Kelly to the back of the room, sliding right behind Pam and right past Jim, and she settles down between Kelly and Creed. Pam almost grimaces as Karen passes behind her, and she wishes she could say it was because she felt bad that Jim and Karen were in some sort of fight. But, honestly, she grimaces because the little voice in her head hopes that they broke up. Before she can think too much about it, Michael is pointing out a sign in a picture he had taken, and then there’s Jan on the side, and what is up with that?

Then a few hours later, after having to deal with the whole Michael-and-Jan-went-to-Jamaica-and-Michael-leaked-a-picture-of-a-topless-Jan fiasco that she was sure wasn’t even remotely close to being over, Pam escapes to the break room for some coffee. She’s surprised to see Jim in there alone, nursing his own cup of coffee.

“Hey” she says softly as she reaches for the coffee pot. He responds the same, and as she starts to pour the coffee into her mug, she says “You okay?”

“Yeah.” He’s playing with his cup, and she knows he’s obviously not okay, but she’s not sure if she should push him. She decides to try, because he’s her friend and this is what friends do.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Yes.” He chuckles and takes a sip of his drink, trying to play it off like it’s no big deal. And Pam is ready to drop it, doesn’t want to make him close off and not talk to her again, so she kinda just looks at him for a second and she is surprised when he continues talking. “I’m just, like, in this stupid… fight with Karen.”

“Oh.” Then she can’t believe the words she hears next are coming out of her mouth, but it’s too late. “You want to talk about it?”

“Really?”

And she gives him a look and he motions for her to sit down. It takes all of her energy to not show how happy she is right now, because she is supposed to be serious and sympathetic while her friend talks about his girlfriend and the fight that they’re in.

But she is really, really, happy right now.

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Jim’s not really sure how he got to where he is at this exact moment. He retreated to the break room for a moment alone, seeing that everyone else was busy at their desks. He thought maybe some coffee and a snack would help him get through the rest of the day. This stupid fight with Karen was getting to Jim more than he thought it should, and he couldn’t quite figure out why. And, of course, Michael decided today of all days to leak a photo of him posing behind a topless Jan, so he had to deal with that, too. Once he reached the break room, he decided to go without the snack and just poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at a table to just think.

When Pam walked in a few minutes later and asked if he wanted to talk about it, he almost said no. Pam was pretty much the last person he wanted to talk to about Karen. But she was looking at him with so much concern he couldn’t resist, plus he missed talking to Pam, even if it was hard to do so these days. So, he cocked his head towards the seat next to him, inviting her to come join him.

“So, I dunno, I just feel like we’ve been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.”

Pam looks away and purses her lips as she says, “Hmm.” Then she raises her eyebrows while she looks down at her cup, and he’s not sure, but it feels like she is almost judging him.

“Hmm, what?”

“How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?”

He pauses, then sighs as he answers, “Yeah, I guess.”

“Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.”

And he’s kind of confused because that answer hurts him a little more than it helps him. Maybe Pam is right, and maybe he should go easy on Karen. But if that’s the case, why does hearing that make his heart ache?

After a pause he continues their conversation, “Hey… thanks. A lot.” And he hopes it sounds as sincere as he means it to. And when she smiles and looks down, he thinks it does. He misses seeing that smile.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I mean, it’s better than listening to Michael play a conch shell, which is what I was doing.” He has to look down as he quietly laughs, because looking at Pam is getting to be too much, and he might have to just get up and leave before he does anything he regrets when she’s talking again. “Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan.”

“Yeah, how have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened, there? Kidnapping?”

And she laughs, and he remembers why they haven’t talked about this yet. Because he can’t talk to Pam anymore without wanting to just touch her and hold her and kiss her. But he can’t do that because he has a girlfriend. A really nice, smart, pretty girlfriend who he does like a lot, don’t get him wrong. But Pam’s just different. She always has been different, and he’s not sure if he will ever be able to have a normal conversation with her again. So, he gets himself through talking about Michael and Jan for a few more minutes until he really cannot take it anymore and excuses himself back to his desk.

Jim’s heart feels a little heavier with every step he takes away from Pam and towards his desk. He knows what the right thing to do is. He knows he should go and print off the listing for the apartment that’s down the street from his house so he can give it to Karen and convince her that he wants her to be here. But as he sits down and his hands rest over the keyboard, Jim suddenly feels like he can’t move. All he can do is sit there for what feels like an eternity. When Pam walks through the kitchen door he shakes his head and starts typing in the search bar. If Pam was interested in him at all then she wouldn’t have given him advice on how to keep his girlfriend close by. If Jim thought there was any chance of Pam liking him back, then that disappeared as he clicked on “Print” and went to collect his paper.

What he didn’t notice on his way to the printer was how Pam’s eyes were a little more wet, how her mascara was just a tiny bit more smudged, and how her nose was a little redder than they were when he left her back in the break room.

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“I think I owe you one.”

Karen’s voice pulled Pam out of her little trance. After being forced to join everyone in the warehouse, she figured she would get a head start on the inventory. She thought she was far enough away from everyone that she could be alone and think but Karen had managed to find her.

“Sorry?”

“For talking sense into Halpert. The Days Inn 228 was starting to get really depressing.”

Oh. Yeah. She almost forgot that she basically pushed Jim into making up with Karen and asking her to move in down the street from him. She hoped he wouldn’t allow her to give them any more advice, she’s not sure she could handle telling Jim he should propose to Karen. “Oh, yeah, no, don’t worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.”

“Yeah. But, thanks. Seriously.”

“Sure.” That was about all Pam could muster, and she was glad Karen smiled and walked away because she had to get out, now. She gives Kevin who just so happens to be standing behind her the inventory gun she was using and then quickly walks out of the warehouse. She makes it out to the hallway before she lets the tears start falling, and once she sits down on the bench everything comes up at once and she breaks down.

Why did she have to do that? Why did she have to give Jim some actually helpful advice, when she knew it would just backfire on her? What did she think would happen? Did she think she would tell Jim to run after Karen and apologize, but instead he would turn around and run after her? She was an idiot if she thought that would happen. And, of course, Karen would forgive him, because he’s Jim. He’s wonderful, and kind, and caring, and tall, and handsome, and he has that adorable smile that makes her melt just thinking about it. Karen would be stupid to reject that. She was stupid to reject him after that casino night. She could have been the one that Jim had started seeing. She could have been the one giggling with him as they eat lunch together. She could have been the one buying him a stupid movie for his Christmas present. She could have been the one suggesting she move in down the street, hoping to be just that much closer to him.

But instead Pam’s out here in this overheated, dirty, empty hallway by herself. It’s not until she hears a door open that she can even think about pulling herself together. She wipes at her eyes and takes in a deep breath to try and look composed, knowing it’s no use, then looks up to see Dwight staring down at her. She quickly looks down and sniffles, hoping he will just leave her alone.

“Who did this to you? Where is he??”

She’s confused and startled by his response to her sitting alone and crying in an abandoned hallway. “What? No. No, it’s not..” She looks down again, begging the tears stinging her eyes to stay put until she’s alone again. “It’s not like that.”

She can’t look up to meet his eyes, but she can tell by the way he’s slightly swaying that Dwight isn’t moving to leave. She almost wants to yell at him, tell him to just leave her be so she can have her mental breakdown in peace. But then she does look up at him and he’s taking off his coat. “It’s hot in here” he says as he ties the arms around his waist. She can only muster up a simple “yeah” which Dwight repeats.

Then he’s handing her a handkerchief, which she quietly thanks him for, and he sits down next to her. She’s even more confused, because although her and Dwight have gotten a little closer, especially since Jim had left for Stamford, she never expected him to treat her like this. Like a friend. It’s almost enough to make her start crying again. Instead she just looks at him briefly before looking back down, saying, “You don’t need to stay here.”

His immediate “I know” and then his hand gently resting on her back is what gets her to let go again. She doesn’t even care if he holds this over her head later on. She needs a friend right now more than ever and right now Dwight is giving that to her. After a moment she hears him say “So, you’re PMSing pretty bad, huh?” and it takes a second to register what he said before she brings her hand down, knowing Dwight being nice to her just to be nice was too good to be true.

“No. Just… forget it, Dwight. I’m fine.”

“No, Pam, sorry. I just… I’m not usually in this type of situation so I’m not prepared.”

“I’m fine, Dwight. I just needed a moment.”

It’s quiet for a minute, Dwight’s hand still gently laying over the back of her shoulder. She thinks she feels him start to pull away and she’s grateful that she will soon be allowed to cry alone again. But instead his thumb starts slowly rubbing back and forth and he looks down and whispers, “Is this about Jim?”

“What?”

“This… breakdown of yours. Is it about Jim and Karen?”

“What?” It’s about all she can say. She doesn’t know where he is going with this. How does he even know that she cares what happens between those two? Is he trying to just gain information in order to blackmail them? Would Dwight do that to her when she’s clearly in distress?

“Come on, Pam. As Number Three in the office and as Safety Officer, I have to keep track of everyone at all times in order to ensure safety in the workplace. I know how you look at Jim, and I know how you look at Jim when he’s with Karen. I may wear glasses, but I’m not blind.”

And if she were in any position to do so, she would have laughed. Instead, she cries harder, burying her face in her hands. Dwight doesn’t say anything, just sits there and keeps rubbing her shoulder with his thumb. When she’s finally able to breathe a little normally, she tries to talk but it just comes out as a few little squeaks.

“What, Pam?”

She takes a deep break and wipes her eyes with Dwight’s handkerchief before whispering, “I just wanted him to fight for me and he didn’t.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You remember that casino night Michael hosted back in May?” At his nod, she continued. “Well, towards the end of the night, I was saying bye to Roy because he was tired and heading home. Jim so happened to be walking by, so Roy asked him to keep an eye on me, which he agreed to. I was trying to joke around with him about taking his money but then Jim said he was in love with me.” She could see out of the corner of her eye that Dwight’s jaw dropped slightly, and his eyebrows raised. She wiped her nose before talking again. “I turned him down, told him I can’t. I told him that his friendship meant so much to me, and that I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. Which was all true. He does mean so much to me, and I didn’t know what he expected, and I really couldn’t love him because I was with Roy.”

“But?”

“But I did, Dwight. I did love him. I do love him. But he walked away, apologizing, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I just stood there. Then, when I thought he was gone I turned around and went into the office and I called my mom. But while I was talking to her, Jim came up to me. I hung up and then he kissed me. And I kissed him back. And I liked it, I loved it. I didn’t want it to stop.”

“Okay, I’m listening but I really don’t need the details of Jim’s kisses, please.”

“Right, sorry. I just… I don’t know. I didn’t know what was happening inside of me. Fifteen minutes before he came up to the office, I was saying goodbye to my fiancée who I was happily engaged to, and then next thing I knew I was kissing Jim and it was the best feeling in the world.” At Dwight’s disgusted look Pam smiled just a tiny bit. “Sorry, I’m done. But then I told him I couldn’t again. But I was so overwhelmed and confused because all these feelings were coming forward that I just chickened out. I told him I was still going to marry Roy. And then he left.” The tears started falling again and she wiped at them with her sleeve. “He just left me without telling me, without even saying bye. I thought he hated me, like really, truly, hated me.”

Dwight chuckles, “Pam, I don’t think Jim could hate you if someone paid him to.”

“Yeah, well, it sure felt that way. And it felt like he hated me just as I was allowing myself to love him.” Now the tears just flowed from her eyes to her cheeks, falling down onto the handkerchief she was fidgeting with. “And then we talked the one night when he meant to call Kevin, and I thought okay maybe he doesn’t hate me. It didn’t seem like he did while we talked. It almost seemed like he missed me, too. And then I heard he was coming back to Scranton, and I was so excited. But after he walked in the door and I hugged him, everything just went downhill. Up until the after the Christmas party, he barely looked at me. Dwight, up until this point I just wanted people to call and ask for him, so I would have the chance that he would glance my way and mutter “thanks” when I delivered his messages. That was how pathetic I was getting. And then after the party, he came up to my desk after everyone except me and Michael had left, and it was like we were best friends again. Those few moments of him leaning on my desk and just talking and joking with me were some of my favorite moments of these past few months. They meant the world to me.”

Then she was quiet for a moment, unsure if she should say what she was thinking. Dwight seemed to catch on that she was having a debate in her mind, so he stayed quiet too, waiting for her to continue. She finally does, and he has to strain his ears to actually hear what she said.

“I called off my wedding for him, Dwight. I wanted, so badly, for him to hear the news that I broke it off and come running back. But he didn’t, of course.” She chuckles lightly, realizing how sad her thought process was. “I just wanted him to fight for me, because I wasn’t strong enough to fight for myself.”

Dwight sits up a little straighter before saying in a soft yet firm voice, “But you are now.”

“What?”

“You are strong enough to fight for yourself now.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, Dwight, I’m in the middle of a hallway, bawling, because the guy I love just invited his girlfriend to move in down the street from him. I don’t think I’m any stronger now than I was back in May.”

“I think you’re underestimating yourself, Pam. I know you told Jim to let Karen move in—”

“How did you know what?”

“I told you, I have to keep everyone in check to ensure a safe workplace. But that’s not important right now. What is important is that not anyone could tell the person they love that they should take the next step in their relationship, even if that means it takes them farther away from you. But you did that, Pam.”

And she just stares at him. Maybe because he’s crazy. Maybe because she’s crazy for thinking that he may actually be right. Finally, she nods a little and looks back down. She takes a deep breath and hands the handkerchief back to Dwight as she stands up.

“Thanks, Dwight. Seriously… thanks. For everything.”

“No problem. Just don’t tell anyone about this or you’re fired.”

“You can’t fire me, Dwight.”

“Not yet, I can’t.”

And with that he stood up, untying his jacket from around his waist and sliding it back on. Then he nods once at Pam and continues down the hall, back on his mission that she assumes he was on when he first walked into the hallway. Now all she had to do was figure out her next step. All she knew is that it would involve some fighting, fighting for herself and fighting for her and Jim.

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Jim found himself laying on the couch in his apartment, watching last night’s basketball game and nursing a beer. Karen had just left after another fight. Actually, Karen had just left after another fight that ended in her breaking up with him. He thought things were going to get better after he printed off that listing and handed it to her. She seemed so happy that he wanted her to move in down the street, and for a moment he convinced himself that he was happy, too.

But then the evening went on and every time she mentioned something about the apartment, or what color furniture she should get, or even asking him if he would want to go grocery shopping with her to fill up her new fridge, he would wince and tell her he didn’t want to talk about it right now. That he was sorry, but he was just dealing with things and wasn’t ready to talk about her moving yet.

“Jim, you were the one who gave me the listing. You were the one who told me I should move in. You gave this to me two hours ago! Are you seriously changing you mind that fast?”

“I’m not changing my mind, Karen. I’m just dealing with some stuff and it’s hard to concentrate on you moving right now.”

“What are you dealing with, then? Huh? Work? We have the same job, Halpert, and last I checked we weren’t swarmed at the office. I don’t think you’re allowed to be stressed out about work when you spend half the day messing with Dwight and the other half looking at Pam.”

His head snapped up from looking down at the floor, “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play stupid with me. I can tell you aren’t trying to do it, but you’re constantly glancing up at her. I don’t know how she doesn’t notice or have a restraining order against you at this point by how much you keep tabs on her.”

He stood up from the couch, running a hand through his hair. “Karen, I’m not looking at Pam—”

“Oh, so you’re just checking out the fax machine, then, right? Maybe I should start doing my own faxes more often if you think that machine is so great.”

“Karen, stop—”

“No, Jim. This is getting ridiculous. I have tried for so long, ever since we arrived in this stupid city, to ignore the obvious tension between you and Pam. I thought maybe she was just angry that you left, and that it would ease up in a week or two. But it’s been months, and nothing has changed. In fact, I think it’s only gotten worse. And then Phyllis told me that you kissed Pam and that you told her you love her—”

“What? How did Phyllis know that? Why did she tell you that?”

“How in the world would I know, Jim? But you’re not denying it, are you? You’re not denying that you had a thing with Pam and—”

“I never had a thing with Pam.”

“Well, excuse me for assuming. But usually I don’t confess my undying love for someone then make out with them unless we have a thing going on.”

“I had to make a choice between staying in Scranton with Pam or leaving for Stamford in order to forget about her. That was my last stitch effort in order to stay, but she made it perfectly clear that she wanted me to go.”

“Yeah, well, that’s great, Jim. Really. I’m glad you got some movie script love story to tell your grandkids. Because I don’t think it’s over between you two. You’re obviously not over her, as much as I tried to ignore it. I thought maybe you giving me this listing and telling me I should move in was you getting over that final hump. But now I see why you were so hesitant before and why you’re changing your mind now.”

“I told you, I’m not changing my mind.”

“Yeah but I’m changing it for you. I can’t be with someone who is in love with someone else. I don’t deserve that. And you don’t deserve me if you thought you could get away with it.”

“Karen—”

“No, Jim. I’ll see you at work tomorrow. Maybe.”

And then she just left his apartment, and as much as he didn’t want to acknowledge it, he couldn’t help the small feeling of relief as she slammed the door behind her.

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Pam sat in her car outside of his apartment, gripping the steering wheel. She was glad she was still at the office after her conversation with Dwight because she had to go to her email. She went way back, filtering through emails from years before, until she finally found the one she was looking for. Jim’s e-vite to a barbeque at his place. She remembered overhearing Jim say he moved back in with Mark once he came back to Scranton. She quickly scanned the email before scribbling down his address on a post it note, then all but ran out the door and to her car after shutting off her computer.

She had felt so brave as she turned on the ignition, backing up and turning out of the Dunder Mifflin parking lot. She felt so brave as she listened to the GPS tell her when to turn right and when to go straight. She felt so brave as she pulled into his apartment complex, parking right next to his car.

But now she just sits there, listening to the engine hum while the current Top 40’s plays quietly in the background, not feeling so brave anymore. What was she doing here? She can’t just go up to his door, say she loves him, and then expect everything to be okay. What if Karen was here? Was Pam really going to risk her social life at work because she decided she needed to confess her feelings? She takes a deep breath and leans her forehead against the steering wheel, remembering what Dwight had told her. “You are strong enough to fight for yourself now.”

So, she turns off the ignition, sticks the keys in her purse as she opens the car door, and walks up to his doorstep. Because she knows that she is strong enough now, even if Dwight was the one who had to remind her that she was. With a shaky hand, she knocks three times.

She doesn’t hear anything. Maybe he’s asleep. They were at the office late doing inventory, and then she had to pull herself together and find his address, so it was nearing nine p.m. and they have work in the morning. She can confess tomorrow, it’s no big deal. But then he’s there. He’s opening the door and his jaw all but drops to the floor when he looks at her, like he can’t believe it’s her. She can’t believe it’s him, even though she knew this was the right address.

“Hi.” She says quietly, not really sure how this whole confess-your-love-for-your-coworker-who-has-a-girlfriend thing goes.

“Hi.” He repeats.

“Did I wake you?”

“What? Oh, no, sorry. I was just watching basketball. I thought you were Karen—”

“Oh. Is she coming over? I can leave, really, it’s no big deal.” And just like that, she’s not strong enough again. She takes a small step back, not really wanting to leave but knowing she can’t face Jim and Karen.

“No. No, she’s not coming. Um.” She stops and just looks up at him and thinks about how she never wants to stop looking up at him. Then he’s talking again, and she has to ask him to repeat himself because she definitely wasn’t listening.

“She actually broke up with me tonight, after we got back from work.”

And then she’s confused. She’s happy, maybe even ecstatic, to hear that he’s single again. That maybe, just maybe, she has a chance. But also, maybe she shouldn’t do this tonight. He just got broken up with. This probably isn’t the best time to tell him that she loves him. And she realizes she’s quiet for too long with confusion written all over her face when Jim says, “Pam? Are you okay?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, no, I’m fine, perfect, actually. Um. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“In life or just right now?”

She looks up at him and he’s smiling, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, and just smiling down at her. And it’s his full, real smile. She can feel her stomach churning as she smiles back at him and says “Both.”

“Ah, so you’re here to have your mid life crisis on my doorstep. Or would you like to come in to have it?”

“Coming in would be great, actually.”

So, he takes a step back and gestures inside, opening the door wider for her to walk past him and into his small foyer. She glances around and the place is almost exactly as it was a couple years ago during his barbeque. She thinks some of the artwork is new, but she can’t really remember.

“Want anything to drink?” He asks, breaking her out of her daze.

“No, thanks. Um. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Okay, I’m all ears. Want to sit down?”

“Sure.”

They make their way to his couch, her sitting on the end, shifting so her back is against the armrest and her leg is bent, resting on the couch cushion, and facing him as he sits and leans towards the middle, leaving only a small space between them. She clears her throat and looks down at her lap, playing with her fingers. She almost wishes she still had her engagement ring, if only to be able to fidget with something. Being this close to Jim in his house, knowing what she is about to say, makes her want to throw up. But she takes a deep breath and surprises herself when she asks, “Where’s Mark?”

He seems surprised too when she looks up at him and he answers, “He moved to night shift. Better pay, apparently. Maybe I should ask Michael about that.”

She smiles and looks back down. As she messes with her fingers she says, “Well, if you do, then let me know. I’d like to join you.”

“Oh, yeah?”

She nods, still not having the courage to look up at him. “Yeah, I mean… it was pretty rough with you not at work while you were in Stamford. I wouldn’t want to go through that again.”

She can see him nodding slightly in her peripheral vision. Then he says, “You know, if you’re still going through your mid-life crisis, then maybe the better pay can go towards a boat.”

She closes her eyes. Stops playing with her fingers. Counts to three. “You are strong enough to fight for yourself now.” She looks up at him with tears in her eyes.

“I’m in love with you.”

She can hear her heart ripping apart for every second that he doesn’t say something. At this point she doesn’t care if he kicks her out of the house and onto the curb, she just needs him to say something.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, I know this is bad timing, and this is probably really weird of me to say—”

“Well, now you’re just stealing my lines, Beesly.”

She looks confused for a second before realizing she was basically repeating what he told her back in May, almost word for word. “I learn from the best.”

“Are you serious, though?”

She nods. “Yeah, Jim, I am. It took me a little bit to realize it. I didn’t want to realize it. But then something hit me after you left. It was like I was walking into work every day, like I had for years, and a part of me was missing. Then I would look up from my desk and see that Ryan was sitting where that part used to sit.”

“Okay,” he answered after she paused for a moment, letting her know he was still listening and wanted to know what she had to say.

“And so, then, once I came to terms with my feelings for you, that’s when I called off my wedding. I couldn’t marry Roy because it wasn’t fair to him, or to me. It wasn’t fair that I would set my own fate by settling with a man that I liked when I knew that the man that I loved was less than three hours away.”

And then he was silent again. But she could tell by his face that he wasn’t angry, or confused, or upset. No, he just looked like he couldn’t believe this was happening, that she was sitting there across from him, telling him that she loved him, that she has loved him for a long time now. So, with one hand she holds onto the hand that is resting on his knee, and with the other she reaches up and gently caresses his cheek. She has to make sure that he knows this is real, that she’s really here, loving him, and that she won’t stop loving him until he tells her to stop. Even then, she’s not sure she’d be able to.

And then his lips are on hers and it’s all she can do to not crumble. She lifts her hands to his hair, pulling him closer, and he wraps his arms around her back. She’s reminded of their night back in the office, when the tables were reversed, and he was trying to convince her to love him. As she scoots closer to him on the couch, she feels like it won’t be so hard to convince herself this time.

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Jim wakes up the next morning to a kink in his neck and he can tell before he moves that his back is stiff. But as he wakes up more and his eyes adjust to the light pouring in through the window, he realizes why he’s so sore.

Pam is curled up next to him on the couch, one hand underneath her head which is laying on his chest, the other draped across his waist. Her legs are tangled up in between his, and he’s not sure if it’s because she wants to be as close as possible to him or because she’s subconsciously trying to not fall off the couch. Then he looks at her face, lips slightly parted as she breathes deeply, eyes closed, fluttering lightly while she dreams. Her hair is messy, sticking out in places where she usually has it combed back and put up. She’s wearing an old t-shirt and pair of shorts that he let her borrow so she could sleep comfortably instead of in her work clothes. And even as he looks at her with her makeup slightly disheveled, pajamas bunching up around her, the occasional, softest little snore coming out of her mouth, and she has never looked more perfect.

He gently turns her chin up with his fingers and kisses her softly. He can’t believe he can do that. Just kiss her because he wants to. And when she smiles softly back, eyes still closed, and then cuddles in closer to him while mumbling “good morning,” it’s all he can do to not call off work and just stay home and hold her all day. He knows that if she opened her eyes and asked to move into his bedroom, he’d give her a spare key right then and there.

“Hey. Pam.”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

He can’t see her face, but he feels her smile against his chest.

“I love you too, Jim.”

“And Pam?”

“Yeah?”

He kisses the top of her head before whispering softly, “Thanks for fighting for me.”

To this, she looks up at him, all the love she can muster building up in her eyes. She kisses him softly, bringing her hand up to hold his face, and as she pulls away and looks him in the eye, she smiles and whispers, “You can thank Dwight.”

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That Dwight and Pam moment is probably in my top 10 moments of The Office ever. I adore Dwight and Pam’s friendship and the little glimpses we get to see of it throughout the show. I feel like Dwight always cared for Pam and had this feeling like he needed to protect her, while also still believing in her, which is why I felt like it made sense for his character to tell her she was strong enough to go after Jim. Dwight just wants the best for her, and as much as Jim bugs him, I think he knows that he’s it.

I love trying to dig deeper into those little moments that the camera catches, their reactions to things and the faces they make. I love trying to think about what they’re thinking, and if it results in some Jam fluff then I’m even more all for it.

I hope you all liked it and let me know what you think! With this whole quarantine thing going on I’ll probably finish watching season 3 within the next day or two, so hopefully I can write about “The Job” shortly after that. Thanks for reading and for welcoming me into this awesome Jam community.