I’m diving off the deep end... 

     I asked to talk to you. You started to joke around, but then you saw the look in my eyes. I was serious. The words rolled off my tongue and then I realized that ‘I’m in love with you’ might not even be enough to describe the feelings I had for you. ‘I can’t.’ It seems like only yesterday you said those words to me, it seems like only yesterday my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I can’t. It’s not a reason, it’s a statement. It’s a place filler, and those two words were meant for breaking hearts. It falls off your tongue with a sigh, as if it is the only words you know. You wait for me to finish your thoughts for you, only you realize I cannot save you this time. A familiar emptiness overtakes my body, the same sea sickening feeling I got on the booze cruise, only it wasn’t from the boat.

You become my best friend... 

      You tell me that I’m your best friend, but I know better. I want to be more than that, as do you. You just have to reach out and take it, and I’m silently begging you to save yourself. If I could go back in time, I would. I wouldn’t have fallen for you so hard, I wouldn’t have become your best friend. Because best friends comes with a price, and with both knew that our expiration date would run out sooner or later.  With my heart already broken, I walked away. I walked away because I knew if I tried to make you say something, it still wouldn’t be enough.

I wanna love you, but I don't know if I can..

The dim lights left in the office make you look more beautiful than ever, and as I push my lips to yours, all of my love is put into the kiss. You return it, and I quickly wonder if my heart could ever be the same again. Then you look at me and tell me that you're still going to marry him. Him. The person who is all wrong for you, when I'm all right. All of the sudden, those dim lights become much too bright, and my vision is blurred as I feel the second tear that night run down my face. The feeling of fear quickly returns to my body, and I simply nod and turn the other way. Turning into a new life.

 I know something is broken, and I’m trying to fix it…

     The next couple of months are filled with confusion and loneliness. Not talking to you since that night, canceling my trip to Australia, hearing that your wedding was called off. I sit and wonder if it was because of me, and my hand lingers above the phone to call you a few too million times, but I never do. I meet a new girl in Stamford, she is nothing like you. But it is a step forward, a step towards moving on. As I hear from coworkers at Scranton, they tell me you are a mess. I know I have broken you, just as you did me. I gave you a decision and you decided to throw it away. It takes every ounce of will in my body to not come rushing back to Scranton and save you. I cannot save you this time. Only you can save yourself.

Trying to repair it, anyway I can… 

       It has been half a year and I’m finally settled into Stamford. I am also finally settled into my new life. Being over you. I know I held on longer than I should have, but the pain was just too much. The love I had for you is gone from my heart, but still in my head. It feels more than a little weird, leaving so much of what I wanted, and just give it all up. I’m not a quitter, but I felt in this situation I had no choice. Thoughts cross my head every day, what if you hadn't said 'I can't.' What if? All of those questions don't mean anything anymore, they are just mindless whims, floating in my brain.

     I learn that I am going back to the Scranton branch, panic fills me, but I soon realize that is okay. I am okay. I'm over you, and seeing you in person will not change things. Although that hole in my heart will always be missing, I have learned from it. You can't dive off a cliff without getting hurt.