Pam

“Hey, Pam?  Can you come here for a second?”  I sigh.  I start to walk towards Micahel’s desk.  I look at Jim’s empty desk and frown.  God, I miss him so much.  He’s meeting a client right now but really he seems just as gone as he is when he’s here.  When I see Evolved Jim I practically feel like he isn’t even here.  And I am not here according to him.  He ignores me these days.  Like his supposed love for me was just a one time thing.  Nowadays, I find it hard to believe he ever loved me.  Deep down, I know it’s not true but it just hurts that he moved on and I can’t.  It hurts that we barely made it through a few hours without talking because of a jink game but now a few days is fine for us to not go without talking.  It hurts to watch Karen act like the perfect girlfriend, the one I could never be.  It hurts to talk to Karen when all I can think about is what she can do with Jim but I cannot.  It hurts when I try to talk friendly with Karen but really my feelings for her are far from friendly.  

I walk inside Michael’s office and sit down.  “What do you need Michael?”  

Michael looks up from his computer and smiles.  “Pamela!  Jim is meeting a client but forgot some data he is gonna show.  You know Jim, that good ol’ klutz!”  I smile wistfully, because I know Jim.  A hell of a lot better than Karen Fillapelli.  

Michael continues his speech about Jim.  “But he is 40 minutes away, so could you go to Jim’s desk and find the prices for our 65 pound cover stock paper and then give it to me?  I’ll just call him and tell him the prices.  

“Yup, you got it.”  I walk out and stroll over to Jim’s desk.  I cover the top of his desk with my hands, trying to feel the memories of this desk.  The hundreds of times I sat on it to talk to Jim, calling my mom after Jim’s declaration, and of course that amazing kiss.  Which of course Jim now thinks is ‘no big deal’.  I feel tears pricking my eyelids.  I try to gather myself so I don’t cry openly.  That is saved for every night in my apartment.  

I look down and see three drawers.  

I open the first and rifle through it.  I do not find the prices.  I found some expense reports, some fantasy football stats, and a paycheck.  A paycheck.  I smile at Jim’s clumsiness.  Karen would probably be pretty disappointed.  She is all about business.  She would think that is unprofessional and disappointing.  I on the other hand think it’s endearing and adorable.  

I close that drawer and open the second.  I see a mess of documents.  Client orders, client lists, financial records, and lots more.  I also spot some price lists.  I look through them and finally find the price for the paper Michael referenced.  

I grab it and start to close the drawer when I see a key.  I don’t know what compels me but I grab it.  I hold it in my palm, studying it.  Wondering what it unlocks.  

My thoughts are interrupted by Michael yelling from his office.  “Hey, can you grab the financial records of the Blue Cross account!”  

“Okay,” I yell back.  

I instinctively grab the third drawer.  It doesn’t open.  I look at the keyhole.  It isn’t broken, unlike the two other drawers.  I look at the key in my hand.  Out of the corner of my eye I see the financial records for the account in question.  I take them.  But before I stand up, I make a snap decision.  I take the mysterious key and put it into the keyhole.  I turn the key, and I hear a little pop and the drawer unlocks.  I look in amazement.  

I debate disrupting Jim’s privacy, but my curiosity at what he is hiding in this drawer takes over me.  After all I love him, I would never do anything to hurt him.  

I open it and gasp.  Memories of Jim and I strike upon my very beating heart as I look upon the contents of it.  If I had to name this drawer it would be called ‘Pam Drawer’.  

It was filled with mementos of our friendship.  Or at least the one we used to have.  A yogurt lid, a paper dove, a Coke, a copy of Legally Blonde, Michael’s cover art for Threat Level Midnight, a bottle of fabric softener, and his Dundie from my first year: ‘Most Welcoming to a Hot Receptionist’.  I smile sadly.  He isn’t very welcoming nowadays.  

Then I see it.  A poker chip.  I feel my mistakes sever my heart with a knife.  

But realization hits me.  This is his post merger desk.  He filled this drawer recently.  When he was in a relationship with Karen.  Could he still have feelings for me?  Why the hell would he have a lock and key drawer filled with memories of our friendship if he was done with me and had moved on with Karen.  If he truly still valued even our friendship this much, why would he continue to ignore me all day? 

Out of the corner of my eye I see Karen filling out a spreadsheet.  I need to stop peering into Jim’s privacy before she notices.

  I stand up, ready to deliver the papers to Michael, when I see my name.  I see ‘Pam’ in Jim’s scrawny little handwriting on the top of an envelope.  

Curiosity seizes me and I grab the envelope.  I quickly lock up the drawer and walk back to Michael and hand him the papers.  

I rush out of the office to the stairwell.  I pull out the envelope with shaking hands and gaze upon it.  

I am still utterly baffled by the drawer.  Even if that drawer only signified our friendship, why wouldn’t he just be friends with me and actually talk with me for once instead of just making a drawer like an altar that he worships?  But nobody just keeps drawers full of mementos of their friends.  Or former friends.  It was a strange situation.  

But I have a feeling that all my questions could be answered by this envelope.  I tear open the flap with my fingers.  I am trembling by the time I pull out the card.  

On the front I recognize the cover of a Christmas card.  What the hell?  I open the card.  I spy a note.  With nerves flowing through my entire body, I start to read.

               Dear Pam,

Hey Beesly!  Hope you liked your teapot!  I remember you talking about wanting one at the office, so I hope this is a good gift.  It’s better than getting a beet seed from Dwight right?  That’s what he said he would get me if he got me for Secret Santa.  Honestly not surprised.  I also hope you laughed at all the stuff inside the teapot.  I wanted to show you some tokens of our friendship to show how much you really mean to me.  God, Pam you mean so much to me.  You are my best friend and the person I love.  Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel, right?  I’m in love with you Pam.  I just can’t go without you knowing.

Love,

Jim

I am bawling my eyes out by the time I finish the letter.  For so many reasons.  I am crying because he didn’t give this to me then, which could have led us to be together and Karen would have been out of the picture.  I am crying over the sincerity and intensity of his love yet ignored it and led him on.  And eventually broke his heart.  I am crying because I just don’t get it.  I don’t understand how his love can be this powerful yet he immediately moves on once he meets Karen.  But why would he keep a card professing his love for another woman if he had moved on?  There was only one reason.  I know what I need to do.

My lip is probably bleeding.  I have been biting it for the past half hour in anticipation.  Since Jim has gotten back from his sales call, I have waited 45 minutes for Jim to get up from his chair to go to the restroom or the break room so I can talk to him without the ears and eyes of his girlfriend.  

I practically have his neck ingrained in my mind forever when he finally gets up and walks toward the kitchen.  I wait a few seconds to avoid Karen’s suspicion before jumping up and practically sprint toward the kitchen.  

I spot him in the break room getting some chips.  “Hey”, I say softly.  

He whips around.  “Oh, hey Pam”, he stutters.  

“Whatcha getting?”  

He shrugs, “Just some chips.”  

“Oh, uh ok.”  God, why is this so hard.  It’s just coffee.  No it isn’t.  You are gonna profess your love for him while you drink coffee.  

“Hey, you around tonight to grab some coffee?”  I look down and wince for the inevitable rejection to coffee that he gave me on the Merger.  

“Oh, sorry I have plans with Karen.”  The rejection slices through my soul as sharp as a meat cleaver and I feel tears welling up, but I refuse to give in.  I need this.  I can’t let his rejection go this time.  

“I kinda need to talk to you.  There is something I need to talk to you about.”  

His face softens.  He takes a step towards me.  “Everything okay, Pam?”  

I shrug.  “I don’t really know.  But I need you.”  

He nods.  “Okay we can grab some coffee.  What time works for you?”  

I know that it has to be right after work because I would drive myself mad if I had to wait at my apartment for him.  “Do you just wanna leave from here?”  

“Sure.  See you at 5 Beesly.” He flashes me a charming smile that leaves me speechless and even more sure that I can’t keep guessing his feelings.

I always leave at 5 so I don’t really know when Dwight usually leaves.  But does he really leave at 5:35 every single goddamn day?  For the last 35 minutes I have just been silently cursing at Dwight.  Does he not realize that I am waiting for him to leave so I can go profess my undying love for James Halpert?  And Jim and I agreed to leave together but after everyone else.  

When he finally left, I let out a deep breath of relief I was holding.  Jim swings his chair around to look at me and chuckles.  “Does Dwight stay that late every single day?”  

I burst out laughing.  “I know!  That’s what I was thinking!”  

He smiles fondly at me.  “You ready Beesly?”  I smile at my nickname that is rarely used these days.  

I grab my coat and say, “Yup, let’s go!”  

He walks over to the coat rack and takes his coat.  He looks at me and gives me the bright smile he hasn’t given me since Casino Night before his confession.  

As we walk out of the office, he asks, “So where are we going?”  

I shrug, “Starbucks is closest.  Wanna just go there?”  

He nods, “Sure.”  

Once we reach our cars, he turns to me and says, “So I guess we’ll just meet there?”  

I nod and plaster a false smile on my face, trying to hide the nerves that are threatening to burst out of me and consume Jim.

“So, Pam.  What did you want to talk about?”  

I swallow nervously and look down.  We are now at a table with our respective drinks ready to have the biggest conversation of our lives unbeknownst to Jim.  

I am nervous for my confession but also Jim’s reaction to me stealing the card.  He probably won’t be too happy that I snooped through and stole a possession of his.  Especially a possession that shows some his deepest feelings, even if he doesn’t feel them anymore.  

“Uhh…”, I trail off not knowing how to start this.  I decide to just go all in and start with the card.  

I reach over to my purse and grab the card.  I take it and place it on the table.  

In a matter of nanoseconds Jim’s eyes turn from concern to pain to shock to anger.  He whips his head up.  “Where the hell did you get that”, he demands.  

I look down in fear.  “I found it in your desk”, I say in a small voice.  “Michael told me to find those prices that he gave you today, and I saw the key and I was curious.  And when I saw practically a shrine for our friendship I couldn’t stop looking.”  “God, Jim I miss it so much”, my voice breaks as I talk, “and I just couldn’t stop looking and remembering before it all went so wrong.”  

I look up.  His eyes have softened a little bit, but there is still an intense look in his eyes.  

“When I saw the envelope, I was curious and more so hopeful for a sign that you weren’t gonna keep ignoring me for the rest of our time at Dunder Mifflin.  So obviously I saw what it said.  And please Jim, just tell me if you still feel it.  If this card isn’t still in your possession for no reason.”  

He looks at me straight in the eyes and says, “Why, Pam?  Why should I tell you if you just pushed me away when I said it before.”  

I feel tears springing up.  “Jesus, Jim.  You can’t even comprehend how sorry I am.  The utter despair I have felt when I think of that night.  But I just need you to say if you have truly moved on.  Please?”  

I look at him with a begging look.  “No”, he answers simply.  

Tears now flow freely, I look at him with a desperate look of a beggar.  “Please, Jim.  Just tell me once.  I’ll never ask again.  Hell, I might be out of your life depending on your answer.  Are you in love with Karen?  Have you moved on?  Do you not love me back?”  

I look at him hoping for an answer.  His steel faced attitude disintegrates.  “What did you say”, he practically whispers.  

I look at him blankly for a second, confused, but then realization dawns on me.  I had just revealed my love for him.  As scared as I am, there is no backing down.  I need to be courageous for once in my life.  

So, I look at him straight in the eyes and say, “You heard me.  I love you.  I’m in love with you.  I have been for a very long time.  Even before that night.  I was scared.  Scared of leaving 9 years of my life.  Scared of you hating me even after I called it off.  Scared of being rejected and watching you with Karen all day.  But I realized that I already do, so why not go all in?  Once I saw that card, I knew there was a small chance you had not moved on.  Why else would you keep that shrine?  So just please Jim, just answer me.”  

I look at him and see shock and awe, but also an intensity I have never seen before.  I study the table, fearing the rejection that is to come.  

But, before I know it I hear, “God, I love you so much.”  

I whip my head up in surprise, and barely have enough time to register him getting up and colliding his mouth into mine.  My shock is quickly subsided by the immense contentment and pleasure I feel in that very moment.  

And I know in that moment, all will be fine.  I know that sometimes Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel, but also February can be the perfect time to do that too.