The only good thing about the wedding was that Phyllis and Bob seemed to be genuinely happy together. Everything else was a complete mess. 

Pam sat at her table with a glass of tasteless wine and felt like everyone at the reception was taking part in a competition called ‘who makes Pam feel the most miserable?’ Phyllis, who had made a carbon copy of Pam’s own failed wedding, was still winning, though Jim was a serious competitor to her, with his hands glued to Karen’s back and his smiles addressed to everyone but Pam. She felt like every look was leaving a bruise on her skin, every word  — a cut. She’d probably bleed to death if she stayed any longer. 

So she was happy when Roy appeared, with his clumsy care that made her feel needed. Wanted. She swayed in his embrace, and her heart sored with regret, remorse, and all these unnamed feelings that had urged her to abandon familiar comfort and hurt a good man in an attempt to get illusory happiness. It was so silly and stupid that she almost cried at how attentive Roy was, giving her exactly what she was craving for. 

She didn’t resist when he leaned in to plant a kiss on her lips. 

She nodded in agreement when he asked her if she wanted to leave. 

Pam waited in the hall, and Roy showed up, with their coats and a broad smile on his face. 

‘Are you ready? Let’s change this sappy crap for something better.’

And with that, the spell was broken. 

‘What did you say?’ Pam asked though she heard every word clearly because they were a few more stabs in her gut. 

‘Oh, sorry. I meant, watching all these ribbons and stuff can be really boring, right?’

Of course, he didn’t mean to offend her. He just didn’t know. He didn’t know that she’d spent weeks picking a color scheme for their wedding, and these stupid flowers and ribbons and every other unnecessary frill. He’d missed all of that even though it had been under his nose because it always had been ‘girly stuff,’ which meant something unimportant. 

And most of the things Pam loved was ‘girly stuff’ as well.  

Why did she decide that his attitude had changed? 

‘I won’t go with you,’ she said with a lump in her throat that made her voice sound foreign even for her own ears. 

‘What? Why?’ his smile dropped just a little, and Pam noticed that as a first sign of him losing his temper. Every other time, she would try to soften the blow; but tonight she felt that she had the right to lose her temper as well. 

‘I don’t think I have to explain. No means no,’ she said, trying to take her coat from his grip, but he didn’t let it go. 

‘I thought we had a good time,’ Roy said, raising his voice a little. ‘Why, all of a sudden, you act like this? 

And here was the Roy she knew so well, small-minded and selfish. He probably thought that she’d been easy prey, too lonely, and too desperate. Well, she’d been all of that and, maybe, still was, but that didn’t mean she would be okay with being used again. 

The false feeling of being needed fleeted away and left an acidic taste on her tongue. 

‘Do you really not understand?’ Pam watched as confusion flicked across his face and gritted her teeth. ‘Okay, let me say that. I’m not going to get back to you, not now, not ever. And I’m not in a mood for a one night stand, so if you want to get laid, find someone else. Is it clear, or do I have to repeat it louder?’ 

‘Hey, is everything okay?’ of course, Jim chose this exact moment to show his shiny face, and Pam’s cheeks redded with anger and humiliation. 

‘Yeah, everything is fuckin’ fine,’ Roy shoved Pam’s coat in her arms and stomped away, in the direction of the bar as Pam suspected. She clutched the coat in her arms and moved to the exit. Jim followed. 

‘What happened?’ he asked carefully as she tried to put her coat on while walking and missed the sleeve three times. 

‘Nothing,’ Pam snapped, not looking at him.

‘Doesn’t look like nothing,’ Jim said. ‘Spill the beans, Beesly.’ 

He tried to lighten the mood, she knew that; he’d done that every time she’d had a fight with Roy, and maybe, she would have been grateful to him for that. But not now, not when it was him and not Roy, who made her feel so broken. 

‘Spill the beans?’ Pam asked, stopping at her car and finally looking at him. His expression was calm and slightly worried, and she wanted to wipe it off his face so badly. ‘As you wish!’ 

She made a long, shuddering exhale and looked straight in his eyes. 

‘It had to be my wedding, Jim. I picked every single piece of decoration. And it would have been my wedding if not you. I called the whole thing off because of you. Because your words and your kiss made me believe that I was worthy of something more than just being a receptionist and having a joyless marriage. I uprooted my whole life because of you, dealt with a following shitstorm on my own, but that was fine because I thought I did the right thing. After all, I thought that love could repair everything,’ she might have cried at that point, but her face was so hot that every tear evaporated without a trace. ‘But, according to Karen, that kiss meant nothing to you, so I feel endlessly foolish for believing you in the first place and making a disaster out of my life!’ 

‘Did she say that?’ Jim’s voice was as stricken as his look, and Pam took some pleasure in this sight. She hated to see people in pain, especially the ones that were dear to her, and she almost took her words back. Almost. 

Why should she have comforted everyone if there was no one to comfort her? 

‘She did,’ said Pam and unlocked the door of her car. ‘And I’m grateful to her for that, honestly. If she didn’t say that, I’d continue trying and trying and trying to reach for you. She saved me so much time.’ 

‘Pam, wait!’ Jim exclaimed, trying to put his hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off and hid inside the car. 

‘Why don’t you do the thing you’re doing the best?’ she asked before turning the ignition. ‘Leave me alone!’ 

She drove away, not looking back, not noticing that he stood motionlessly at that parking lot. 

She drove home, and no tear was shed. 

It was just the streetlights that were blurrier than ever.