- Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:

So, I'm finally finished with "Customer Survey" and the subsequent chapter... which isn't "Junior Salesman".  Adding another subsequent chapter like "Miami", which I'll post at the same time as "Customer Survey" since they should be read together; combining it into one chapter would prove too long, so I split it in half.  I'm really wanting to post "Customer Survey" because I'm honestly sort of proud of it, and that is when the AU portion of this really takes shape.

For now, though, enjoy this German Holiday treat.

EDIT 1 DEC. 2020: Replaced 'Scranton' with 'Stamford'.  Don't know how the hell I missed that.

“Enough of this garbage.  This is Christmas.

[Christmas Eve / Sarajevo 12/24 by Trans-Siberian Orchestra]

YEAH!!!!  CHRISTMAS!!!!” — Dwight Schrute


Andy is still on his boat trip.  It’s Week 4.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


Jim is tapping away at his keyboard.  He’s not looking too good; his eyes are bloodshot from staring at the computer, there are bags under his eyes, even his skin is looking paler than usual.


“Are you sure you wanna leave early today?” Pam asks, concerned.


“Yeah,” he answers, “Gotta be ready for tomorrow.”


“Okay,” she responds.


“Jim is stressing himself out and I don’t know what to do,” Pam tells the interviewer, “It’s like he’s afraid to talk to me about anything other than work.  He told me that he wanted to wear a blue striped shirt to meet a potential client tomorrow, but feared that he was ‘making a statement with the blueness’.  Dwight said it makes his neck look like an old mop handle,” she leans in and whispers “It does.”


“Oh...Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today.  Merry Christmas everyone!” Erin announces while Thanksgiving decorations are still up.  (It says X-Mas party, but they all know what it’s code for.)


Angela reveals that there isn’t a Christmas Party because she forgot, but you shouldn’t blame her for something they all forgot!  Oscar over-enthusiastically agrees.  She makes very sound points (says the man sleeping with her husband).


“I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn’t,” Phyllis says, “Hmm, funny how that works.”  She’s still pissed at Angela over the spread from Halloween.


Nellie recommends liquor and mini-cupcakes, and Kevin is offended.


“What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas?” Dwight offers, “Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer.  Enjoy Christmas with saint Nicolas’ rural German companion, Belsnickel.”


Dwight shows the interviewer his Dutch Christmas photo, in both sepia tint and Matrix style!


Finally, something that Jim could enjoy.  Two of his favorite things: Christmas and making fun of Dwight.


Pam beams and shouts, “Yes!  That, that, that!  We’re definitely doing that.  Are we all in agreement?”


No one agrees but Jim, who just smiles and shakes his head at her.  She smiles back; she’s missed that smile.


“Done, right?” she asks.


“No, I want Tropical Christmas,” Stanley curtly responds.


“Topless Christmas,” adds Meredith.


“Tapas swiss miss,” adds Creed.  (Spanish tapas and Swiss Miss hot cocoa do sound tasty.)


“Or, who was it that suggested the authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas?” asks Dwight, “I think it was someone really popular.”


No one wants it.


“Too weird,” Nellie says.  Pam looks at her and signals at Jim, Nellie knowing that she’s worried about him.  She mouths back ‘It’s weird, Pam!’


“I don’t understand why you guys aren’t behind this,” Pam presses, “Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs a-and schnauzerhosen, and meet this baklava guy?”


Angela then issues an emergency Party Planning Committee meeting.  Up walks Phyllis, Angela, Oscar, and Pam, who looks at him and says “I’m on it.”  He smiles once again and pumps his fist.


“We’re the Party Planning Committee,” Pam passionately says, “and we did not get where we are by playing it safe.  We got here by being risk-takers.  And, yeah, Dwight’s party is gonna be terrible.  Maybe.  Maybe it’s not.  Maybe it’s going to be great.  And if it’s great,” she pauses, trying to think of the next thing to say, “I think we all know what that would mean to us!”  She nods at the camera, hoping what she just said makes any sense.


“Let’s do it!” Phyllis agrees with glee.


Angela only relents if her name is not attached to it.  Oscar over-enthusiastically agrees.


Pam announces that the Committee (minus Angela) is going to go for Dwight’s Christmas.  Jim claps at the announcement as Dwight cheers and gives him high fives.  Pam only gives him one rule… there are none.  Pam has never been cooler.


And Jim’s finally gonna take his mind off of work for once.


“Best Christmas Ever,” Jim tells the interviewer.


“You’re welcome,” Pam tells him, smiling.


“Thank you,” he responds, smiling once again.  God, she’s missed that.


Dwight takes the traditional Dutch Christmas festivities to the max. This party has everything:

Gluhwein, aka Glow-wine (also used to sterilize medical instruments)

Hog maw (stuffed pig stomach)

Candlelit poem reading

And the very spoon that guided Dwight’s soft skull through the birth canal when he was born.


And the Halperts could not be happier.


“Excuse me,” Dwight suddenly says, “I have to run to my car to take a dump.”


—————————————————————————————————————————————


Once Jim and Darryl hear Toby mention him being on the jury for the Scranton Strangler trial, they leave.  They don’t need to hear this again.  Stanley soon follows, telling Nellie he’ll see her next Christmas.


However, Nellie’s enthralled!  Growing up in Basildon, she loves learning some local history, and this Scranton Strangler is fascinating to her.  Toby, despite his awkwardness, is a great conversationalist, so she sticks around…


And then he keeps talking.


She gets a text from Pam telling her that Belsnickel has arrived and she needs to get here right now.  She obliges, leaving Toby alone to sigh, dejected.  He soon just gets up and joins the others.  Hopefully, Belsnickel will be fun.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


Pete’s on the phone with Clark.  They’ve gotten close over the past few months, even with Clark staying at an insane cougar’s apartment.


“A German Chritsmas planned by Dwight?” Clark asks over Pete’s speakerphone, “I hate Im not here to witness this absolute magic.”


“Frankly, I’m just hoping German terrorists don’t take over this Christmas party,” Pete tells him, “Make me go all John McClane on their asses.”


In walks Erin from the break room, curious as to what they’re talking about, “Wait, German Terrorists?” she asks, “That’s oddly specific. And I think— I think you mean John McCain.”


“Eh, Die Hard reference,” Pete clarifies.


“I’ve never seen it,” Erin says.


Pete pauses by the mention of this, “You haven’t seen Die Hard?”


“Mm-mmm.”


“Wait, Erin has never seen Die Hard?” Clark asks.


“She’s never seen Die Hard!” Pete confirms.


“Why havent you seen Die Hard?!”


“I don’t know, I just haven’t!” Erin says, getting excited.


“Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it.”


“Nope!” Erin clarifies.


Clark begins to quote the movie, Now, I have a machine gun.  Ho, Ho, Ho."


Pete joins in, “‘Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.’”


“None of this makes any sense to me!” Erin exclaims, half-confused, half-mistified.


Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and hes like, Yippee-Ki-Yay, mother—


“Actually, he doesn’t say that there,” Pete clarifies, “He says it earlier when he’s on the radio with Hans.”


“Damn it, youre right.”


Erin is surprised that he even knew that line.  She points at him and says “Nerd!  Do you know every line of the movie?”


“My brother dared me to memorize it,” Pete confirms, “and I did it, and loved doing it.”


“Hey, you guys can come over and watch it at Jans place,” Clark offers.


“Oh, we don’t want to intrude—” Erin says.


“Nah its fine!  Shes out for the weekend.  She usually has it on her singing over pictures of her daughter, but she said I can use it when guests come over.”


Pete and Erin pause at what they just heard.  “...right, well, we’ll see you there, man,” he says.


“Later.”


“Welp, guess we’re gonna go see Die Hard,” Pete shrugs.


“Guess we are!” Erin smiles.


When Pete and Erin arrive at Jan’s apartment, Clark answers the door.


“Hey, guys!”  He still has his mustache from Movember and a red satin robe.  The pair just look, perplexed.


“Um… why are you wearing that?” Pete asks.


“Oh, I was told by Jan to wear this at all times.”


Both just nod awkwardly and enter inside.


“Oh wow!” Erin shouts, taking in the pungent smells, “It’s like the woods vomited in here!”


“Yeah, this is pretty intense,” Pete agrees.


“Oh, that’s just her scented candle collection,” Clark clarifies, “Don’t worry, you’ll start to not even smell it after a while.”


As Clark’s talking, the camera pans to find more pictures of Jan, as well as various art pieces depicting Jan.  Oh, and a nice photo of Astrid.


After a bit, they sit in front of the TV.


[“Mommy, youre a princeeeeess!  Mommy, youre a supersta-a-a-a-arr!  Mommy, youre the greaaaateeeeeeeest!  How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-oooes?”]


“Wow, she has a great voice!” Erin compliments.


Pete just watches in terrified awe and says “...sure.”


“Oh my gosh, pause it, pause it,” she says.


“What?” Clark asks.


“I just got an email from Andy,” she says excitedly, “That means they hit land!”


“Nice!” Pete says.


The camera pulls her aside and has her read the email happily: “‘What up, shorty?  We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk,” she giggles, but her face sinks as she keeps reading, “saw Life of Pi, got super depressed and introspective.  Gonna hang out here a while.”  A while?  “Maybe a couple of weeks.”  It’s been four weeks, though.  “Figure this whole life thing out.  Maybe see Hobbit.  Lates.’”


A crestfallen Erin walks back to the couch and sits back on the couch.


“Hey, everything okay?” Pete asks, clearly concerned.


“I’m fine!  Let’s watch the movie,” Erin says, hiding her disappointment.


“Look, if you wanna talk about it—” Clark tries to offer.


“No,” Erin stresses, “No more talking.  It’s movie time!”


The new guys just look at each other and Clark plays the movie.


Near the climax of the movie, Erin, thinking out loud, asks a question, “Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me?”


Pete chooses his words very carefully, “Yeah, definitely, no doubt.”


Erin knows he’s trying to placate her.  She’s been so scared because it’s been four weeks.  He said “three weeks”, right?  At least she knows he’s alive, but… he didn’t even bother to call.  And, yeah, he’s having a rough go of it, but so is she!  How would he feel if his boyfriend left on a boat with his brother and never thought about inviting him, huh?  How about that?!


…She’s being selfish.  Again.


With all these running thoughts, she breaks.


Pete, like most men who see a woman cry, tries to comfort her, “Hey, it’s alright.”


“I’m fine, really,” she lies, hiding it with a smile.


“Okay,” he says, not believing her.


Things take a turn for the worst when she scoots closer to him… and damn it, she’s so cute.


No, this is not the man he is.  He sees Andy and Erin around the office, and they do seem great together.  He doesn’t want to ruin that.  He’s not that guy, he doesn’t want to be that guy.  He’s not uprooting a relationship, especially not his boss’.


Besides, he fears Erin will make a big mistake… like he made with Alice. 


Clark, noticing all this, lightly smacks Pete’s arm, moving his eyes towards the pair.  He shakes his head firmly and mouths ‘No’, but Clark responds with a simple ‘Oh-kay’ through his facial expressions.


Pete just returns his attention to the movie.


After it ends, Pete and Erin eventually say goodnight to Clark and head back to the office.  Neither of them spoke.  But it’s surprisingly not awkward.


They return to Dwight running back into the office with the Pig Rib, yelling “I found it!”


“Yes!” Erin shouts.  Pete can’t help but smile.


—————————————————————————————————————————————


“Think you’ll stay for the entire thing?” Pam asks.


“I don’t think so,” Jim responds, “If I get this guy as a client, it’d be big, and I have to be prepared.”


Pam could not be more crushed.  Please, Jim, stay.  Stay so that I know you’re okay.  “Jim, you wanna talk?  I mean, I’m honestly worried about you.”


“Pam, I’m fine.  Nothing to worry about, I promise.”


She sighs, “I just hope that you’re taking care of yourself and—”


Suddenly, out of nowhere, the true reason for the season shows his blessed face.


With a hearty cackle, the legendary Dwightsnickel introduces himself in a thick German accent, “Judgment is nigh, for the Belsnickel ist I!”


Jim’s face lights up again, and Pam shouts “Yes, he is finally nigh!”


“I am nigh!” Belsnickle agrees.  It’s the role Dwight was born to play, “Ooh, Belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year.  Whoo-hoo HOO hoo hoo!”


Jim puts his hand on the small of Pam’s back, both delighted watching Dwight march across the office.


“So he’s kind of like Santa, except dirty and worse,” Jim says.


“No,” Belsnickel answers, “much better!  No one fears Santa the way they fear Belsnickel!”


“Wow!” Jim half-heartedly exclaims, “It's my favorite part of Christmas.  The authority.”


“And the fear,” Pam adds.


“Exactly!” Belsnickel confirms with pride.  Though Phyllis has her doubts, Oscar confirms that, yes, Dwight’s insane party is indeed in-line with southern Germany traditions and folklore.  Dwight was going to have Zwarte Piet show up, but that was an obvious no-go; Nate’s whole day has been wasted.


It’s time for Belsnickel to see if the entire office has been admirable… or impish!

Phyllis is… admirable!  She gets rubber gaskets for canning jars (she’d rather have the bowl).

Oscar is… impish!  He gets a whack from his stick, much to Angela’s delight.

Nellie is… impish!  She gets a whack as well and just says, “Not the worst present I ever received.”

Pam is… admirable!  She gets a lovely gift for the kinder: a single mousetrap.

Toby is… impish!  He gets a whack as well, not responding to it at all because he doesn’t feel anymore.

Angela is… admirable!  She gets two small jars.

Stanley is… admirable!  He gets a slingshot.

Kevin is… impish!  He gets poked with a stick, which is tickling him.


Jim has to leave, unfortunately, before his judgment.


“Oh, really? Already?” Pam asks, dejected.


“Yeah, I’ll see you at the house.”


Belsnickel pauses as he sees Jim leave, “Hey, where are you going?”


“Yeah, meeting a potential client tomorrow,” Jim says, “But this was amazing.”


“But you work tomorrow!”


“Yeah, I know, I’d just like to settle in and get a good night’s sleep.”


Dwight, becoming disheartened, breaks character, “But we were gonna break the pig rib.”


It didn’t deter Jim, who needed to leave.  Belsnickel sends him off… but brings him back for his present.


“I judge your year… as impish!” Belsnickel shouts as he hits Jim with his stick with a *WHACK*.


“Ow, are you nuts?”


“I judge you impish!” *WHACK*, *WHACK*


“Ow!  Ow— Okay that is three, and you didn’t hit anybody that hard!” Jim raises his voice.


“They’re not abandoning the party!” *WHACK*


“Just— Hey!” *WHACK* “That’s enough, okay?  I’m done!”


“Impish!” *WHACK*


“Ow!  Ow!”


Pam looks on, scared for both her husband and best friend… until Meredith needs to run out early too.


Jim walks outside, sore, Pam walking with him.  “Ow...what was that?  Now I’m gonna be all whipped for that meeting.  God.”  He heads to the Outback.  “Think you can survive Nellie dropping you off?”


“Yeah, I should.”  Pam sighs, she needs to know.  “Jim,” she asks “Be honest with me please, why don’t you wanna stay?”


Jim sighs, “Pam, I’m scared.  I’m sucking at my job right now, and I need to do this right.  The last thing I need is for you to worry about me.”


“Well tough, because I do worry about you,” Pam bluntly answers, “You’re driving yourself crazy.”


“Pam, you already have so much on your shoulders,” he says, rubbing her arms, “I just want to make sure that you get the life you deserve.”


Pam wants to cry.  He cares so much, so damn much, that he’s neglecting himself.  “So you’re not staying?” she asks, praying he’ll say that he is.


He grabs her hands.  “Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together.  That was the perfect Christmas party.  I’ll see you at home.”


“Okay,” she relents, trying to fake a smile, “And hey, don’t worry, you’re gonna be great.”


“Thanks, love you.”


“Love you.”  The two kiss and embrace, too many words left unsaid.


Brent is one of the cameramen of the crew, the only one of the crew except Brian to have been there since the beginning, and the infamous “interviewer” for this season and most of the series.  Throughout the documentary, he and Jim became close.  He managed to get his confession to Pam, and their kiss.  He filmed his time in Stamford.  He filmed the wedding, both of them.  He filmed Jim and Pam holding Cece for the first time, and he got to hold her himself.  And he filmed him almost calling Mark back, thanking God he didn’t.


It’s no surprise it’s usually his camera that Jim’s always looking at.


The Halperts love him and everything he does for them, and he’s just thankful he and his wife managed to find actual friends out of this whole insane experience.  He knows he can’t intervene… and it’s hurting him not to.


Another cameraman is up in the conference room.  They shoot Jim getting in the Outback, and as it leaves, Pam slowly walks back in, downtrodden.  All the while Dwight looks on from the window, seeing his best friend upset.


“What’re you doing?” Pam asks as she meets him by the elevator.


“Party’s over,” Dwight asserts, “You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you.”  He then shouts to the camera, “And guess what, kids.  Belsnickel isn’t real.  It’s me, Dwight!”  How disappointing.


Phyllis, feeling like Jimmy Stewart from Its a Wonderful Life, sets up a traditional Christmas party.  Justice is real after all.


“For what it’s worth, I liked your party better,” Pam consoles Dwight.


Dwight scoffs, “Everyone thought the food was gross, and that Belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak.” 


Pam pauses, “I don’t think anyone thought that.”


“I did,” Nellie admits, getting her guitar out.


“He’s not?” Meredith asks.


Pam just looks at them in confusion.


“Jim couldn’t even stay till the end of the party,” Dwight laments.


“Well, that didn’t have anything to do with you,” Pam comforts.  


“I don’t care,” he lies, “Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten.”


“Zero.”


“Damn it!”


She offers him some eggnog, but she tells him he’ll just have another Dumatril.


“Jim taught me this really cool way to take it,” Dwight mentions, “You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt.”


“Yup, I did say that.”


In walks Jim, with a smile plastered on his face.  Pam, relieved, walks up to hug him… and is beaten to the punch by Dwight.


“What are you doing?” Jim asks, “Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building.”  One could tell he was still annoyed.


“Shh.  Let’s not speak of that,” Dwight says, putting his fingers over his lips.  Jim smirks, accepting Dwight’s roundabout apology.  Besides, it’s time for the Pig Rib!


“What made you change your mind?” Pam asks.


“I just missed my wife,” Jim replies.  They give each other another hug and kiss and, as Dwight finds the Pig Rib, adds, “Oh, and the meeting was rescheduled to Monday.”


The Breaking of the Pig Rib commences, and Pete and Erin make it back just in time.  Jim and Dwight, neck and neck, the office cheering them on!  Who’ll win?


The answer’s made clear after the office is splattered in what’s likely some sort of pig’s grease?


“Damn it!” Dwight shouts, disappointed, “Jim got the bigger half.”


Jim fist-bumps Kevin.  The bigger half is a sign of good luck…


—————————————————————————————————————————————


In the kitchen, Jim discusses to his coworkers what Athlead is doing after a lengthy phone call with Mark, “They’re thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work.”


“I love Philly,” Stanley reminisces, smiling and nodding, “Dirty town.”


Dwight comes up and grabs Jim’s shoulders, “Ah-ha-ha!  Philly!  Exciting stuff, man.”


“Yeah,” Jim nods with a genuine smile, “It is.”


“So you sure you remembered everything from that call?”


“Yeah, I think so.”


The air suddenly shifts.  “Think about that for a sec,” he asks, hinting at something vital.


“Yeah, Jim called Mark about Athlead,” Darryl tells Brent, “He said he was gonna get me in, but that was two months ago.  And I haven’t heard anything since.  I mean, he said that, right?”


“What else could you possibly be forgetting?” he asks again, pushing him to say what he desperately needs to hear.


Jim’s desperately trying to remember, “Uh—”


“Things?  People?” Darryl presses.


Yeah, Jim forgot.  That son of a bitch.


Darryl decides to drink his sorrows away with Dwight’s Gluhwein mixed with some alcohol.


“Jim,” Darryl angrily slurs, “that guy,” he scoffs, “You gotta stick to your word!  Like when you say something to your buddy, a real buddy, what are you gonna do, lie?  To your buddy?” he sighs defeatedly, “It’s awful.”


He finds out he just up and leaves… which only makes him more pissed and drunker.  So drunk that he begins to be attracted to Meredith.


Meanwhile, Pam and Dwight could not be more disappointed about Jim’s departure… but Darryl?  Pshhh, he doesn’t care.  He’s gonna tell Jim to go f*** himself.


And then he comes back.  He’s too chicken to be chicken.


“Back for more, huh?” Darry asks incredulously from his office.  This ends now.


“YOU!” he shouts as he enters the conference room, ready to tear Jim a new one.


“Oh, hey, man!” Jim greets.  As Darryl approaches his challenger, Jim says “Oh, you know what?  Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you.  They’re gonna bring you in for an interview.”


This gives Darryl pause… Jim only just forgot to mention it.  He got in, he got in!  Jim didn’t lie or forget… he is a buddy!


Darryl’s drunken state can only get him to answer “...That’s great.  Thanks, man,” he says, pointing at him.


“Yeah, of course!” Jim replies.


Darryl decides to do his victory dance… that sends him plummeting onto the table of snacks, much to everyone’s shock.


Dwight, channeling the spirit of Belsnickel once more, looks at the display and simply says, “Very impish.”


Chapter End Notes:

A lot of plot summary here with Belsnickel, but Jim and Pam's central conflict has shifted (hence why Pam pushes for it instead of Jim), and it's going to remain that way.  Besides, I can't recreate the majesty of Dwight's Belsnickel, it'd be wrong to try.

As for the Pete/Erin subplot, there was a good reason why Ed Helms was gone as long as he was but I couldn't find the reason for why Clark Duke was gone for a chunk of episodes, so I was like "screw it" and had him be a part of it.  And it gave me an excuse to write more Jan.

And the Nellie/Toby subplot?  OUT the window.  Whose bright idea was that anyway?  Yeah, let's pair the most awkward woman in the office with a guy that shifts between a sad, pitiful man to a literal creep from episode to episode.  There are times where I like Toby, but tbf he doesn't deserve love.

And then there's Brent, the single OC... yeah, he's mostly a foil for Brian.  It'll make more sense going forward. 

NEXT TIME: Lice have infected the office!  Erin takes control of the situation with Pete, Darryl gets some relationship "help" from his fellow employees, Jim's internal struggles become more apparent, and Angela gets a rude awakening...


You must login (register) to review or leave jellybeans