“Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom.  And that’s how I spent my entire day that day.” — Jim Halpert

“Andy’s family had a total meltdown,” Pam tells the interviewer, “His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.”

“And his brother, Walt Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar,” Jim adds. 

“The weirdest part is Andy.  The aftermath got dumped on him and the way he’s been handling it is just so… “

“Competent!”

“Right?”

Andy, for the first time, has to take charge of the situation.  He’s trying his best, and Erin couldn’t be prouder of him for doing so, but the fact he’s having to do all of this in the first place… why?  Why does he have to take the fall for their mistakes?  Why does he have to burden all this pain, all this turmoil, all this planning in attempting to somehow salvage the fallen Bernard Empire?

It didn’t help that Meredith attempted to get in his brother’s pants.

“Are the ‘Nards hurting?” he tells the interviewer, “Yeah, you bet.  Got kicked pretty hard.  Family shattered, super sad.  But, I’m kinda crushing it in the damage control department.  So, that’s cool. I wish my dad could see me now.  Of course, he caused this whole mess, so, f*** him.”

Andy has never hated his father more.  They never speak to each other again.

Later on, accountant Oscar, A.R.M. Darryl, and girlfriend Erin assist Andy in picking up the pieces.

“Alright, guys,” Andy says, “A lot of assets here that my dad couldn’t steal.  Now, first of all, there is the family boat.  43 foot Tartan Sloop.  My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas, the sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom.”

They all agree it’s the best option.

“Totally, except it is a no-go,” Andy argues, “This boat was the heart and soul of the family.  So...what else we got?  Non-boat ideas.”

The boat should stay, right?  Because if it does, the Bernard name means something, right?  Without that boat, Andy’s life would be in shambles… right?

After Oscar plays another game of “Don’t say a damn word, Kevin!”, he returns to the conversation.

“She could get like sixty packages of Ramen noodles for five bucks,” Erin mentions, “She could eat for a month.”

“Alright, what’s the grand total?”, Andy asks, “Did we make our nut?” 

“If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months,” Darryl answers. 

“Guys, you don’t understand, this boat’s been in our family since before I was born.”

Erin tries to vouch for Andy, but Darryl’s Jiffy Lube experiences put the kibosh on that.  Andy relents: the boat must go.  Is he upset about it?  Not really.  Except he is.

When Pete drops by the front desk to fax something, Erin wears watermelon teeth to cheer up Andy.

“But, it’s a girlfriend’s job to know her man and I know Andy,” she laughs, “He has a juvenile sense of humor.”

“...Cool,” Pete says awkwardly, then posits, “He’s like 40 though, right?” 

“Oh no, he couldn’t be more than late 30s. Tops.” 

He just… stares.  “Awesome.  Have fun.”

“So I just found out that Erin doesn’t even know her own boyfriend’s age,” Pete tells the interviewer, “This, and with the boss’ life crumbling before his eyes… just damn.  I hope he gets the help he needs.  I needed it."

The teeth don’t make him feel better.  To Erin, this scares her.  Yeah, he’s juvenile, but… that’s Andy!  It’s who she loves.  But… his darn family did this to him, made him a shell of his former self.  But, remember, she’s the rock.  It’s her job to raise him, make him smile, help him in any way she can.  This is her responsibility.  No one else’s.

She invites him to lunch, but no avail.

“All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing,” Andy laments, “But dad wouldn't let me.  Said ‘You can’t be a skipper until you’re a man.’  You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd smack my hand away.  Well, guess what?  Now I'm the man of the family and... we're selling the damn thing.  So I'm never gonna have the chance.”

Andy was insufferable before anger management.  And this anecdote, this “happy memory”, is one of the reasons why.  But, Erin has a solution!

“Well, when does the boat leave, exactly?” she asks.

“Tonight.”

“Then screw lunch,” she says with tenacity, “Let’s go for a sunset sail.”

“Yeah right.  It’s in Stamford, Connecticut.  We have to leave like right now.” 

“Ok, well then let’s leave like right now.”

She managed to talk him into it.  She’ll finally make him feel better!

And the boat is beautiful!  It’s bigger than she thought!  And pristine!  She was shocked that this is how his family came to America.  (They would come to America in a boat like this.)

But that damn passive-aggressive, horrible, mean boat guy is keeping him from this!  He wants to sail it, Erin wants him to sail it!  And he’s not letting him!  F*** IT!  SCREW YOU, DAD!

All it takes is Erin to remind him that he is the captain now.  No, he won’t get the deposit back, because he’s gonna sail to the Bahamas himself, he paid for all the supplies in the boat, and nothing’s gonna stop him.

And now, he has a crew!  A hungover Walter Jr. and Andy are gonna sail across the seas.  Two brothers bonding on a boat, only the two of them, one last joyride for the both of them before they must say goodbye to it.  Again, nothing’s gonna stop them.

Not even Erin.

“Erin, this is because of you,” Andy says proudly, “Do you realize that?  You’re the best ever!”

“Oh, you know,” she says as she walks on the dock, trying to hide her disappointment, “Just being a good girlfriend.”

“Good?  Come on,” he compliments as he sets sail, “Above and beyond.  World’s Greatest.  You did this!  Dammit, I’m happy!”

She did do it.  And now she’s regretting it.

“I’ll see you in three weeks!” Andy shouts.  If “weeks” was replaced with “months”, he’d be correct.

“Yes, I am very pleased I did help Andy,” she admits to the cameras, “Would I have gone with him if he’d asked me?  On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean?  Yes.”  But he didn’t.  “I think it would have been really fun and romantic.”  It would.

She’s extremely disappointed.  As much as she tries to hide it, it’s evident to anyone who can see.  She wanted to do something with him, something that told Andy that she’s here for him now and always.  And now… it’s like she doesn’t even matter.  That his familial issues — issues that she wants to help him through, she needs to help him through — made him forget she was even there.  But, in the end… it gives her time to think.  About a lot of things.  And, in retrospect, she’s thankful he left without her.

The first thing she thinks is… did she ever matter?

As she packs up for work, Pete invites her to Poor Richard’s for some beers and pool, having heard of what happened and thinking she might need a pick-me-up.  She politely declines, and he completely understands why.  She needs some time to think.

She wouldn’t like Flipper anyway.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Oscar notices the cameras following him as he walks to work; he smiles at them awkwardly, but he knows it has to be addressed.

“Can you guys come with me for a minute?” he asks the crew.

“I know you saw me with the Senator,” Oscar explains, “I think I’m in love, possibly for the first time.  So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair.  I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity, and discretion.”

And, as if on cue, Kevin walks around the corner, so shocked that he doesn’t even notice his ice cream falling off his cone until three seconds later.

Oscar simply asks “Why?”, not to Kevin, but God.

He then walks him to the middle of the stairwell, hoping to God that he’ll keep his mouth shut.

“Kevin, listen to me,” Oscar presses, “I’m in love with the Senator, and I need time to sort this out in a responsible manner so I need your help in keeping it a secret because this means the world to me.  Okay?”

Kevin replies that he really wants to and for him to always remember that.  Oscar doesn’t know what that means.

He’ll learn soon enough.

As the day goes on, a series of poorly-timed events turned Oscar’s life into a never-ending battle of damage control.

Of course, the damn copier got jammed, so Angela says “This day couldn’t get any worse.”

“Oh, I think it can get worse!” Kevin responds through his laugh.

“What does that mean?” she asks.

As soon as he sees Oscar’s frustration from the conference room, he responds to her with “I don’t know what you’re talking about” and a thumbs up at Oscar.  Mission accomplished!

It gets worse when Kevin forgot to order more 11-38 forms.

“Literally nothing you do could surprise me anymore,” Angela chastises him.

“Oh, oh really, Angela?  That’s interesting.  Cause I do think that I could surprise you.  I think that I could surprise you—” he is shut up by Oscar and then shouts “I have to use the bathroom!” and runs off.  (This was the best cover, by the way.)

It gets worse when Angela brags about her corrupt, cheating, beautiful husband yet again.

“The Senator is exhausted,” she begins, “This campaign is wearing him out.”

“That’s a tough one,” Oscar responds.  

“That man he’s up against is so dirty.  And the Senator’s just pushing back as hard as he can.”

Of course, Kevin is stupid but no idiot, as his mind catches on to the innuendos from these sentences, and he begs her to stop.

The last one was the kicker.  “Anyways,” she continues, “last night he was tired and just wanted a little Mexican brought in.”  Kevin just walks away laughing.

It’s at this moment that both Oscar and Kevin realize that Oscar’s in big trouble.

Oscar, in a bid of desperation, claims to Toby that he is committing fraud.  And he’s not proud of it.  But… he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do.

Kevin, thinking he’s getting a big promotion with his own office, readies to walk towards the annex, saying that he won’t reveal his secret.  He’s been really worried about that.

And with this, Oscar has to make things right.  He interrupts the meeting, hands Kevin the snack machine money, and talks to Toby himself.

“We had a fight and I acted vindictively,” Oscar admits.

Toby just sighs quietly, “I knew it.  I knew it from the beginning it was possible.”  He then admits to Oscar that he was pressured himself to convict an innocent man, one labeled the infamous Scranton Strangler.

Kevin, naturally, did not get that promotion.  And, as if on cue, in walks Lipton.

“Oh my God!” Kevin exclaims.

This is it, my life is gonna fall into pieces.

“Honey!”, Angela greets, “What’re you doing here?”

“I just had a little intuition that someone I loved needed a little bit of attention today,” he responds.

I love you, Robert, but you need to shut the hell up.

Oscar flinches away when Lipton touches his shoulder, leaving Angela confused and a bit offended.  He tries to explain himself when Kevin opens his big mouth.

“Come on Oscar, we’re not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious.”

DearGodnopleasenopleasenople—

“Senator Lipton has a big election next week,” Kevin announces, “We all need to give him our support!”  He got the whole office clapping for Lipton, cheering him on, “U-S-A!  U-S-A!”

“I have to say I’m impressed with Kevin,” Oscar tells the interviewer, “Uh… he showed a lot of self-control.”

When Kevin’s sitting in the same seat, after realizing he forgot about the affair, he just laughs, “Oscar is having sex with the Senator and Angela doesn’t even know,” he says through his laughter, “Her life is a complete sham!”

In a way, it’s downright hilarious.

—————————————————————————————————————————————

Pam looks over at Jim, who’s lost in his work.  Again, she’s perceptive.

“Jim’s been rather quiet,” Pam admits to the interviewer, “I can tell he’s not himself.  This whole Athlead thing hit him harder than I thought.  Thankfully he’s caught up with his work and has some free time.  So Nellie and I decided he needs to have some fun today, as does the rest of the office.”

Oh, and Nellie knows most all of Jim’s pranks, thanks to her and Pam’s friendship; she is astounded by his mad genius.

Pam’s “on the phone” with a local radio station (thanks to Nellie’s cell), “Oh, great!  Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you.”  She hangs up and announces, “Hey guys!  Anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio?”  She discusses an opportunity that Ms. Black wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to appear on her radio show, ‘Biz Whiz’.

Naturally, Dwight volunteers himself.

“The media can make you famous,” Dwight explains to the interviewer, “And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you’re famous?  ‘Uh, yeah wow.  10 reams of 40-pound bond at only $690 after discount?  Um, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.’  It’s that easy.”

As Dwight does his voice exercises for his time on the radio, everyone gets annoyed, especially Jim.

“Dwight!” Jim yells, louder than he wanted to.

“Hey, hey!” Dwight asserts, “Stop questioning my methods, OK?  I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.”

“No, you chose yourself,” Jim tells the camera, infuriated.

After Dwight walks off, Pam gets another call.

Pam’s “on the phone” again, “Oh, OK.  No problem.  Thanks.”  She announces the bad news, “Hey guys, WPTU called.  The interview’s off.  They're opening a new cupcake store at the Steamtown Mall and Iris wants to cover that, so…” she shrugs disappointedly.  

“Well, why don’t I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple,” Nellie says as she walks off to tell him.

“Ugh, he’s gonna be disappointed,” Pam says, feigning her own disappointment. 

“Yes,” Jim posits, “He is.  And you know what?  We cannot let that happen.”

Nellie and Pam smile at each other knowingly.  Jim Halpert, prank master, has returned.

Everything was set up in the conference room: Nellie has the speakerphone, Jim has the cue cards, Darryl provides the music, and Pam bides her time.

“Iris, let me tell you,” Dwight tells “Iris” through the speakerphone, “David Wallace is the C.E.O., but he’s not hands-on.”  A lot like Dwight to throw others under the bus to make himself look good.

Only after listening to a handful of broadcasts on her way to work, Nellie’s impression is impeccable, “So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command?”

“Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.”

Jim’s cue cards were excellent, setting up a convoluted series of events that are just realistic enough for Dwight to believe.

— First off, they manage to get Dwight to de-robe in the breakroom, claiming that his clothes are causing interference with the call.

— Secondly, with Phyllis in the audience, they convince Dwight that the paper is toxic, thanks to Pam’s role as Sandra Mick and Jim’s well-performed freakout (complemented with his signature smirk).

— And then, they convince him that the stocks are plummeting so hard that they call for Dwight’s resignation, him throwing David Wallace under the bus (as Kevin watches him, also disrobed).  Even Jim, after all his interactions with Dwight, does not believe what he’s hearing.

— Lastly, Jim, playing Detective Bill Jackson (A character that Darryl does not appreciate) tells him that Wallace is going to be arrested for his crimes, and Dwight — trying to save his reputation — calls him and puts him on the show!  David, ignorant of all of this, just asks Dwight to not call him on his cell anymore.

And, as Dwight enters the main office, he is met with thunderous applause.

“Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected,” Dwight tells the interviewer.

At the end of the day, the Halperts walk to the car.

“Jim, that was brilliant!” Pam exclaims.

“You planned this, didn’t you?” Jim asks knowingly.

How could he have guessed?  “What do you mean—?”

“I saw Nellie using her cell under her desk when Iris called back.”

Dammit, Nellie!  “Look, you’ve just been so down and—”

“Pam, we’ve been over this,” he says with an understanding smile.

“I know but, at the very least I want you to have fun while you’re here!”

“I did have fun.”  Pam smiles.  “But… I think this will be my swan song.  I mean… how else are we gonna top that?  Besides, Dwight’s kinda like a friend, maybe, of sorts.”

She nods.  “Yeah, he is.”

Jim wraps his arm around her and kisses her on the head, “Thank you.”

He lets go and they walk to the Outback happily.  Jim ending the pranks, for now at least, is a smart move, since he’ll soon be facing the biggest crisis of his life…