He loves me. Jim, my best friend in the office, the only true friend I have, loves me...What am I supposed to do with that information?

I can hear the soft crunch of gravel under Jim’s shoes as he walks away from me. I just destroyed our friendship. Was this my fault? Did I send him signals that told him I had the same feelings that he does? Do I have the same feelings as him?

Tears roll down my cheeks as I walk into the building and take the elevator up to Dunder Mifflin. I need time to myself to digest everything that happened, I need to call my mom. She has always been the one who understood me the best and always knew how to talk me through complicated situations.

I go to Jim’s desk without even giving it a second thought and start to dial my parent’s home phone number. It rings a few times and I wonder whether or not sharing this with my mom was a good idea. As soon as the thought popped into my head it immediately left, my mom loves Jim even more than she loves Roy and that’s saying something.

I grew up with Roy and we have been dating since our sophomore year of high school, he has been ingrained into my family and my life for years and when he asked me to marry him I said yes. I felt like I had to, like there was an obligation there. But even with that being the case the moment that my mom met Jim she said that she liked him and that we would make her the cutest grandkids.

She told me that I seemed happy when I was around him and thinking back I know it was because I am my truest self when I am with Jim. He brings out that inner child inside of me and we just have fun. 

I wish for a moment that when Roy proposed to me I would have been able to see the future, see what was really in store for me and who I was to meet. If I would have known that years down the line I would meet the man of my dreams I would have said no in a heartbeat and moved on. But life isn’t that easy life likes to shit on you a lot of the time and laugh when it sees you suffer.

“Hello?” I hear my mom ask and I hear my dad watching Jeopardy in the background, maybe this wasn’t my smartest decision tonight.

“Hey mom, do you have a minute? Something happened and I need to talk to someone about it.”

“Yeah honey, of course, is everything okay? Are you and Roy okay?” My mom asks with a worried lilt to her voice, are me and Roy okay? I feel like after tonight nothing will ever be the same. I have feelings that I can’t even begin to describe for Jim, that I have never had for Roy, it took Jim admitting his feelings to make me see that I might feel the same about him.

“Physically yes we are okay mom...Jim told me that he loved me tonight.” I come out with it not being able to hold it in any longer.

“What?! When?” 

“About 10 minutes ago,” I say trying not to bite my nails out of nerves that were shot to shit at this point.

“Did you say it back?” Is she crazy?! I mean...do I love him?

“No, I didn’t know what to say!” That wasn’t a complete lie, the thought crossed my mind to say it back but then I remembered Roy and the fact that I was planning on marrying him. He was the man that I needed to be in love with not gorgeous and goofy Jim freaking Halpert.

“I mean you have to think about Roy in this scenario and what this will do to him.” My mom, always the voice of reason even when I least want her to be. Even when I know she is secretly wishing that I marry Jim and not Roy.

“Yes, I know.”

“Do you think that you could possibly feel the same way for Jim?”

“Um...I don’t know mom he’s my best friend.” I bite my lip thinking about all of the pranks we have pulled on Dwight and how lately he is the only one that can make me truly laugh and smile.

“You do seem happy when you’re around him.” My mom observed and I thought about all of my time with Jim and how I have felt lighter and smiled to myself.

“Yeah, he’s great.”

“So I think it comes down to are you in love with him too, honey?” My mom asked me as I was leaning back onto Jim’s desk remembering all the moments I have stood here and talked with him and all of the moments that I laughed with him. I think about why I have held off marrying Roy this long and I think that it’s because of Jim. I think I have been in love with him from the first moment I walked him to his desk on his first day. The moment I saw that goofy and dorky smile of his that he gets when he is getting himself into all kinds of trouble that any sane adult would be trying to avoid.

“Yeah, I think I am,” I say starting to cry knowing that I just shot him down and maybe ruined my only chance at ever having happiness with him. But he’s my best friend, how am I supposed to risk that? What if it doesn’t work out between us? Then we are left to deal with the consequences, but deep down I know that we would make it. I hope at least.

I hear the door to the office open and see Jim walking towards me and wonder how he knew that I was up here. I watch him slow his stride down as he sees me and I just stare at him trying to hold in my emotions.

“Um, I have to go,” I tell my mom having a feeling in my gut that Jim was about to do something even riskier than he already has.

“Okay Pammy, promise me to give this a shot and be happy.” She says to me and I can hear the hope in her voice. No matter how much she says that she likes Roy I know deep down that she likes Jim a hell of a lot more.

“I will,” I promise and hang up, hoping I didn’t just lie to my mom. I turn back to Jim and I feel my stomach drop at the thought of following my mom’s advice and telling him how I feel.

“Listen, Jim-” I start but he grabs my waist and kisses me before he gives me the chance to say anything else. I stand there for a moment in shock and let my hands rest on his biceps debating on pushing him away but this kiss is intoxicating. I can’t seem to be able to pull away from him, instead, when he pauses for a second I grab his face and deepen the kiss. I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, that everything about this is wrong but it feels so right and I could hardly give a shit about anything else but Jim and this mind-numbing kiss.

I lean into him and everything that this kiss could represent and then I feel my engagement ring move on my hand and it sucks me back into reality. That just earlier today I was picking out bands to play at my wedding, a wedding to a different man, that was the exact reason I shouldn’t be doing this. 

I pull away to look up at him and end up getting caught in his eyes, I can’t look away. The adoration and love and respect and kindness that I see staring back at me are so terrifying that I nearly cry from just one look.

Jim is the first to look away and I look down and to the side letting a tear fall down my face knowing that after that kiss, there was no way I could marry Roy. Not after I feel like my world was just torn apart from one kiss with this amazing and handsome man. What was I supposed to do now?

I do the only thing I think of to do, kiss him again. I reach up onto my toes and bring his head back down to mine. I let myself have this moment where nothing besides the two of us exist outside of this bullpen, it’s just us. Jim kisses me back but not for long before pulling away, I get a horrible feeling that maybe he thinks that it was a mistake. How could he think that? 

Did he not feel what I felt? 

Did he think he was going to feel a certain way and then he kissed me and realized that I wasn’t all that I’m cracked up to be?

Why is it the moment I realize what I want, something comes in and swoops down to steal it away?

Why can’t I be happy too?

Jim looks down at me and then backs away before walking out of the office. I stand there for a few moments and stare at the space that he just occupied, that happened, didn’t it? I wasn’t imagining things when he kissed me right?

Before I comprehend my body’s response it falls into Jim’s chair and tears start streaming down my face. I look at the pictures that he has strewed on his desk, I had never really looked at them before, always too focused on him to notice what was on his desk.

I see a picture of what must be him and his immediate family on Christmas morning, they were all in matching pj’s and I couldn’t help but laugh at how adorable Jim looked in them. I reach forward and touch Jim in the picture and just know. I know that I love him and there was no denying it,  that kiss was something that I couldn’t deny and something I don’t think I want to.

“Alright Beesley, you can do this. Just walk out of this office and get into your car and go home and tell Roy everything.” I get up and walk out of the office doing just that, I face my fear head-on hoping that in the end I actually get to have what I want for once.