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Side by side they sat, huddled on the carpet in a mutual quiet; a quiet that was swollen with introspect and words neither wished to speak.

"I'm really sorry." Pam finally said. She watched him with no trace of impatience, just as she had when he had been pacing the room. Wearily he sat up, sliding himself carefully from her grasp.

"Don't," he said through a sigh. Jim tilted his head back against the couch, averting his eyes to the ceiling. "Say you're sorry. I don't want to keep on hearing you apologizing for everything all the time."

Pam looked around at him. The abruptness of his tone shocked her, and she bit her tongue to restrain herself from the automatic urge to apologize again.

"This is shit isn't it." she said resignedly.

"Shit." he agreed, his head still turned upwards.

"Want me to get you anything? Beer, coffee… water?" she offered awkwardly. Mutely he shook his head, his bloodshot eyes twitching uneasily. Roughly rubbing at her own eyes, she squinted at him, feeling completely inadequate as she struggled to grasp the words she was looking for. She felt a wild urge to pull him into her, to touch him, to have physical contact with him in some way but she held herself back. If he pushed her away again she thought she might just break into pieces herself.

"I should have known, should have seen this coming. God," she muttered, an unreserved self hatred coating her voice. "I've been so self involved." The room was filling up in silence so thick she felt as though she could choke. "What you said-"

"I didn't mean any of it. I was just running my mouth." he spoke calmly now.

"I think you did mean it." Pam swallowed nervously. "And I think it is important to you, and that means it important to me. What you said about you not seeing what was happening with Roy, I mean, that wasn't your fault. How could you have seen it? I didn't want you to. It's really not your fault, none of it is, but I think I made you feel that way and I'm sorry."

Jim snorted angrily. "I saw things that weren't right. I suspected for a while. I pretended it was all okay with you – that I was imagining it, being overprotective when I shouldn't be, as we were just friends-" he spat out the word. "But if I had just said something sooner…."

"You pretended, I pretended. What good is this guilt now, Jim? It wasn't up to you to save me."

"I loved you! I loved you even back then, so much, so much – do you have any idea? How much that hurt?" Finally he turned to her, the corners of his eyes red, his cheeks flushed pink.

"I'm sorry." she said dully, taken aback. He made a guttural noise in his throat, it was a harsh stifled sound, as though he was close to choking on his words – or his emotion. It provoked a spasmic jerk throughout her body, a floodgate of sympathetic hurt pounded behind her eyes and she fought to keep her composure.

"Shit." he mumbled again.

Pam exhaled through her nose gruffly, leaning towards him slightly so that their upper arms were pressed together, their thighs touching. "Jim…." she said, finding her voice. "You said…"

"It doesn't matter what I said. I was just sounding off." he said dismissively, looking away from her again.

Pam couldn't help but shake her head in frustration. "Why do we get to this? You have to breakdown before you can talk to me?"

He was silent a long while. "I talk to you." he managed. His voice had taken on a hoarse, croaking sound.

"You don't. Not really. I meant what I said - I want you to be you, to be honest with me."

"It's not that I can't – okay, listen. Don't you think you're dealing with enough?"

"Don't give me that, Halpert." she recoiled. "You listen. I want things to be good between us. You always want to be there for me, and you always are. But our relationship can't be one sided any more if it is going to work. I want us to be equals, and that means you have to talk to me too. Otherwise what we have right now can't last."

"I have been honest with you." he said simply, banging the back of his head against the bed. Pam started to ask him what that meant, but stopped as she realized she already knew.

"You said you waited for me since the day you met me." Her face colored a little shyly. "Do you know during those years with Roy our friendship was the only thing I looked forward to? I let him make it difficult for me to keep in touch with my mom, and whenever Penny was around he just compared me to her, how I was letting myself go, how she made more of an effort with her weight and everything. He didn't want my friends at the house. You were the one thing he couldn't control in my life – you were right in front of me all of the time. He didn't like it but he also didn't want me to leave my job because he wanted to keep me close. But you were always there, you made me laugh, you made me smile, you made me forget it all sometimes – you made things bearable. Do you understand?"

Jim turned back to her, flashing a grateful, if not surprised smile at her.

"We've been through a lot together." she continued. "I'm worried about you. You've been holding yourself together through everything, being strong for me. You don't have to do that anymore."

"I'm just frustrated – I can't be there all the time for you."

"You can't." she smiled sadly. "Nobody can do that. You're there when it matters, always, and that's all I need from you."

"I'm not – I see, don't you get it? You've been so hurt, you're still hurting, I see it – I would take that away in a heartbeat if I could. You know that but I can't and I feel like shit about that. It hurts me to see you go through everything like that. I worry how you're gonna hold up in court next month. And then with my dad today, and that stupid dinner."

"Hey," she said softly, reaching for his hand. This time he didn't pull away. "Your dad's going to be alright, you know. This was a warning, but he will be alright."

His fingers tightened around hers. "Yeah I know. Doesn't mean I'm not now realizing I'm gonna lose him one day."

"I know." she said, tilting her head to look him in the eye. "It's normal to feel like that. I know you love him a lot. But you're not on your own in this."

"My dad's a really great guy… you know?" he said quietly. "We'd go to the Eagles games together, he never lost his cool with us, something I didn't appreciate until I left home… how hard his job was with me, Pete and Tom. We caused a lot of trouble as kids but he never lost it with any of us. Believe me he had reason to but he never did. He was always watching over us." For the first time, a small wistful smile broke over his face. "At prom, he bought Larissa flowers. He started doing that whenever she had a date. We kind of teased about it a little, until one day he told us he was doing it so that if the boy she was going on a date with didn't have the money or hadn't thought to bring her any, she would still have flowers."

Pam also smiled, imagining the sweet memory. "That's so cute." she said. "You're a lot like him, you know."

"My mom says that too." he turned morose again. "But… Pete and Tom, they just acted like it didn't affect them at all, fooling around at dinner like that. The way they messed with you as well, it was out of line."

She nodded, thinking it over. "It doesn't matter. I don't care about the dinner. I don't care about your brothers and what they said, they're just brothers, doing what brothers do. Maybe that's how they handle your dad getting sick. It doesn't matter. What matters is you, and me. You and me and us and how we get through it."

She squeezed his hand, her mind rewinding. "Do you really worry that you're going to lose me?"

A hesitancy flashed through his eyes as he paused before responding. "Sometimes… I wonder if this is all too soon for you… if I'm pushing you too hard. Maybe you'll decide you need to be alone.. I dunno. It goes through my head, yeah."

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't overwhelmed sometimes… but not because of you, because of me. You've been great, you really have. I never feel pressured or rushed with you." she bit her lip. She hurried on before he could speak. "I know it's crap, me making us go so slowly and… you really are great to put up with everything… but you're wrong."

Immediately his head turned. "Huh?"

"I do trust you. I do. Yeah, I guess I do react like that sometimes, maybe I do flinch, or startle like that… but I'm never scared with you. The therapist… said it's a conditioning thing, a fear response. It won't always happen. But it's never because of you." She stopped, sighing heavily. "You've done more for me than anybody and you don't even realize it, all you've done for me. I could not have got here without you. I'm so sure I wouldn't have left Roy if you hadn't made me face up to it- It was like you held a mirror up to my face, you made me see what I didn't want anyone- including myself – to see. You keep saying how you can't take it all away from me, can't make it better. That's just... crap!" she exclaimed. "You do make things better, you make everything worth it. Like when I have a nightmare – Roy hated it! He would kick me, put pillows over my head, yell at me, kick me out of the room. But you? You don't even care if I wake you up, and I feel so good knowing you are there – really there for me and not angry at all… and all that with Roy then hurts a little bit less. That's because of you. I would go through it all again if it meant coming back to you. I'm sorrier than I can say that it took the worst of Roy for me to see the best of you, that you were right in front of me the whole time, to see how amazing you are. I know now though that we can't change what's happened. It's just the past. We just need to move forward, and deal with it… and I need you with me."

She stopped, taking a breath, feeling like she had just run around the room to sit back down again. She snuck a glance at Jim. He had sat quietly throughout, listening carefully with a thoughtful, slightly awestruck expression. He turned to her.

"Come here." he slipped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her towards him. "I need a hug."

"Yes you do." she said, happily folding her arms around him. Their bodies pressed together tightly, Jim's head pushed into her and she felt his warm breath on her neck and knew there was no other place that she would rather be.

"No more." she said against his shoulder.

"No more…" he repeated, burying his face in her hair.

"No more holding things in until you explode." she clarified. "Equals, got it?"

She felt him nodding. "Equals." he mumbled into her curls.

Pulling back from him, Pam raised an eyebrow. "Okay, well I want to hold you to this. I want you to come to counselling with me. You did say you would before." she added quickly, misreading his face.

"You think we need counselling?" he said in surprise, locking eyes with her.

She shook her head. "No. Not between us, I think we're doing okay by ourselves… right? But just think about it… I think it would do us both some good to talk about how we're dealing together with what's happened with Roy, and Kenny…. So we can put it behind us eventually…" she broke her eyes away, squeezing his hand. "Could you just try it… once at least?"

She was so sure he was going to refuse. Conflict was all over his face. Then a tiny smile broke through the seriousness.

"Anything for you." he favored her with a teasing nudge, and kissed her forehead.

-TO-

Pam walked up the stairs, carefully balancing the two steaming mugs she was carrying. The house was completely silent now, and darkness was just beginning to fall. Things were better, undoubtedly but she still carried a heavy worry – and guilt - about Jim and everything that day. Seeing him that way, so vulnerable, so upset was not something she would forget easily. She supposed that's what happened when you cared for someone so deeply, their pain became yours, their hurt took home in you.

Stepping into the bedroom she called out his name. When he didn't respond the worry she felt began to rise to the surface – then she spotted him, quietly, peacefully laying on his side on the bed. Putting down the mugs, she stepped towards him and leaned down to brush his hair out of his face. The tell tale signs of the day immediately became visible – the redness in the corners of his eyes, around his eyelids and underneath. The pink flush stains on his cheeks, a few tear tracks still clearly apparent. But still, he was asleep, breathing fast, heavily.

Pam smiled down at the sleeping man, lifting a blanket up from the end of the bed. Very gently she laid the blanket over him, smoothing it down with her hands over his upper half, tucking it in around his chin. After a minute of watching him sleep, his breathing heavy, quick, she walked around to the other side of the bed and slowly laid down beside him, curling her arms around him from behind to hold on to him while he slept. She did not feel the least bit tired herself, and she did not sleep.

She simply chose to be there, right next to him for when he woke up.


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