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DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Chapter Notes:

I’m gonna be honest here people: This isn’t a JAM fic or even an Office fic.  This fic is about one of the greatest achievements in cinema, Threat Level Midnight (dir. Michael Scott, 2011).

As a cinephile with a minor in Screenwriting who has taken various film courses, never in my life have I seen a film come CLOSE to the impact this one had on me.

Scott takes everything you ever knew about movies and flips it on its head.  All the characters, even the minor ones, are fleshed out and nuanced; the set design is unlike anything ever scene before or since; the dialogue is so well written and feels natural.  The performances are staggeringly good and you can tell these actors became their characters once the cameras started rolling.

Comedy.  Tragedy.  Drama.  Suspense.  Romance.  Horror.  This film goes beyond the binaries of these film genres and pulls off something completely new.  Trust me, I’ve seen a lot of films from critically acclaimed directors, and yet this film CONSTANTLY gets snubbed.  I have lost all respect for the Academy.

The best part?  Someone managed to find the film and upload it on YouTube!  Yeah, you can watch this masterpiece for free!  I’ll provide you the link.  You’re Welcome.

Beep… boop… beep… The heart monitors made the beep sounds for a man who has no heart.

By a miracle of God and nature himself (or herself), international criminal Goldenface was alive yet unconscious. The doctors managed to put him back together, like Humpty Dumpty except without eggs.

However, everyone wishes he stayed dead, including him… except one.

He slowly opens his eyes to find his sworn enemy: Agent Michael Scarn, the agent of the NSA, CIA, FBI, and SUV.

“Hello Goldenface” Agent Michael Scarn announces, “or should I say… Normalface?”

Agent Michael Scarn holds up a mirror to Goldenface’s face, revealing that it’s normal now, with a lot of stitches. He looks to find more stitches on his arms, legs, torso and scrotum.

“Where am I?” Goldenface shouts “Why do I have all these stitches? How am I even alive?”

“Due to your golden DNA, the bomb in the puck didn’t kill you. You were rescued by scientists who reconstructed you with the remains of my dead wife. They molded her skin to look like your own, and here you lay.”

Goldenface smiles snugly “So what’s your game here? Are you going to kill me again?”

“Games are for boards, Goldenface.” Agent Michael Scarn replies “I did this because its what my wife would have wanted.”

“Heh.” Goldenface scoffs “I don’t need your pity. You should have let me died and taken the money for yourself.”

“All the money burned in the explosion.” Agent Michael Scarn explained “Besides, we know everything about you, and why you wanted to blow up the All-Star Games. Face it: You became the very thing you hated, and you only have yourself to blame.”

Goldenface is shocked “How did you find out?”

“My robot butler Samuel got a tip from an anonymous source. Her name is Sandra.”

“Sandra? Who—” And then he remembered her: red hair, red apron, red lips. The same lips that kissed his golden face. “So… she ratted me out.”

“More like gave you a second chance!” Agent Michael Scarn yells wanting him to get through to him “Don’t you want to live a life free from money-grubbing bosses?! A life where you never have to eat gold again?!” Goldenface contplemates Agent Michael Scarn’s words as he continued. “You only have one shot to make things right for yourself. Take it!”

Goldenface sighs heavily “It’s too late for me. I should just give up.” 

Agent Michael Scarn leans over to him and says “Never, ever, ever give up.”

Goldenface laughs maniacally, only happy. “You are something else, Scarn.”

“I know.” Agent Michael Scarn leaves the room, but before he does “Also, I ran across another visitor of yours across the hall.” And with that, he’s gone.

“What visitor?!” Goldenface asks loudly. The visitor enters, and it’s her: Sandra. She still has the same outfit on, with kind and loving eyes and a heart as big as her chest.

“Hello Goldenface.” she greets gentilely.

“Hm” is all Goldenface responds.

“I’m sure Agent Scarn has already told you.”

“He has.” he says without emotions.

She pauses, figuring out how to approach. “I’m sorry.”


“Your story was so sad. No one should have to endure something like that. You deserve to be happy.”

Goldenface scoffs again “I’ve done so many drugs and killed so many agents, what makes you think a man like me can change?”

“I don’t know.” she admits “There’s just something about you.”

He thinks on what she said. “Have you… fallen for me?”

She needs to be honest. “Yes, I have.”

“But what about your boyfriend?”

She sighs “We broke up.”

“I’m sorry.” he says ginuwinely.

“Don’t be, it was ineditable.” She reaches out and touches his now-flesh cheek, with a smile. “I want to be with you now.”

He smiles back “I want to be with you, too.” but he sighs “But you can’t be with me, I’ll only bring trouble. And you don’t deserve someone that’s trouble.”

She knows where this is going. “How long do I have to wait?”

“I don’t know” Goldenface admits “but one day our paths will cross again, and then we can be together.”

She smiles blightly, keeping her tears at the bay. “I can’t wait for that day.”

“Me either.”

She kisses him on that same spot on his cheek. “Goodbye Goldenface.”

“Goodbye Sandra.”

After Goldenface is fully healed, he gets his act together. He goes to therapy, gets nicer, becomes a better person. He now works for the President, finding missions for Agent Michael Scarn to take on with his partner-in-crime-stopping Samuel. Goldenface even gives himself a new name: Johnathan.

One night, Johnathan walks into the bar, meeting with Billy the Bartender.

“Oh, hey! Haven’t seen you around these parts, stranger.” Billy greets “What’ll it be?”

“I’ll just have a beer.” Johnathan responds.

“You got it!” Billy says. Johnathan gets his beer but then gets a girly drink along with it.

“This isn’t what I ordered.” Johnathan says, confused.

“I know.” Billy says “That cute redhead over there got you this drink.”

He turns around and sees her, staring back at him. Same eyes, same heart, same chest. Only this time, her hair is down and she’s wearing a beautiful blue dress.

“Wow!” Billy explains “You’re a very lucky fella.”

Johnathan smiles “Yeah, I am.” He walks over to her table and sits across from her. “Thanks for the drink.”

“You’re welcome.” Sandra says “What’s your name?”

“Johnathan.” he says “Yours?”


He knew it was her! “Nice to meet you… again.”

She smiles, knowing it was him all along. “Nice to meet you too… again.”

“Does this count as a date?” Johnathan asks.

Sandra shrugs her shoulders. “Why not?”

After the hospital visit, Sandra quit vending and went to art school and graduated in art. Now she likes to paint pictures and put them on art shows.

After dating for about a year, the two are walking in the park, under the moonlight. Johnathan turns around and kneels. “Sandra, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” He takes out a small box, revealing a ring. “Will you marry me?”

Sandra is crying tears of joy. “Yes! Of course I’ll marry you!”

He slides the ring on her finger and they hug and kiss under the moonlight.

“I love you!” she says happily, crying.

“I love you too!” he says, happy crying too.

Truly there was never a love like Johnathan and Sandra.

3vasectomies is the author of 18 other stories.

This story is part of the series, Episode Relateds. The previous story in the series is After the War. The next story in the series is Why Pam Gave Carol Stills a Call.

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