She’s not mine to keep.

Mine to keep? She’s not even mine at all.

It’s now that I find myself flying through my thousands of thrown-out love speeches I almost confessed to her, but didn’t, because I was scared. Scared as hell that she didn’t love me back. That she only liked me as a friend. That she still saw me like her brother, as she said once.

I fell  in love with Pam the day I started working at Dunder Mifflin four years ago. She’s funny, kind, easy-going, smart, optimistic and insanely cute. I like everything about her, even the things I don’t. Like seeing her being happy with her fiancé - but don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want her to be happy; I just want her to be that fortunate with me. 

I saw her getting engaged to Roy, planning their wedding and even helped her plan that damn thing more than once. I know, it is weird and absurd, in a way that exhilarates my heart in an endless sadness.

I have always been there for Pam until I just couldn’t take it anymore and made this trip to Sydney.

It’s important for me to clear up that I’ve never intended to do anything more than being there for her, besides all the amount of time we used to spend together whilst we were working, or the many occasions I spoke to her when she was having a rough time in her relationship with Roy. Her fiancé could be a jackass sometimes. And I tried to make her realize that maybe, he isn’t as great as she thinks he is.

I was there, as a friend. Always, as a friend.

It’s almost 1:00 am and I can’t keep my mind off of her, so why shouldn’t I make a call? Scranton is, like, 16 hours behind me; it’s early morning right now. And I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but it could be good to talk to one of my coworkers, or with Michael, who is the only person that knows about my sentimental feelings. I accidentally told him I carry a torch for Pam on a Booze Cruise. Yeah. He might not be the right person. It’s bizarre. This sucks.

I dial the cell phone and type in Michael’s office code to avoid talking with her at reception. The call rings around 10 times and I’m about to hang up when someone answers the phone. 

“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam from Michael Scott’s office”.

Shit. 

No response. I’m speechless.

“How can I help you?”

“Hello Ma’am, I’m aware you sell paper, am I right?” I joke because it’s my self-defence mechanism that keeps myself from having an emotional breakdown.

“Jim?”

“Hi”. 

“Hey... how are you? How is Australia doing? Tell me everything!” her enthusiastic voice makes me smile.

She truly does have the softest voice in the whole world. I could listen to her talking all day long.

“It’s amazing, mate!” I say trying to imitate the Australian accent but I notice I have failed tremendously when I get no laugh back.

“What did you say? You’re breaking up a bit” so I get up from that big white hotel bed, trying to find some phone reception. I know she would’ve laughed otherwise.

“Oh, nothing. It’s great here Beesly, thanks for asking”. I’m sure that sounded kind of disappointing and boring. “How’s the bride doing?”

What? Why would I remind her and myself she’s about to get married while I’m 9851 miles away from her? What’s your point, Jim? Seriously.

“Oh, I’m fine. Just a little overwhelmed, it’s hard to believe I’ll be married in, like, 60 hours or so”.  Hell yes, it is. Please, don’t marry him?

“Yeah. Isn’t that exciting? I mean, it’s what you want” I faked my voice to avoid sounding rude or upset about it. Why... would I contrarily even say that?

“It truly is. I wish you were here for the party, though” Pam sounds low-key sad.

So, I ignore that. What would I answer? I don’t feel like going to your stupid wedding because you’re not marrying me?

“Is Michael there?” I had the urge to break the awkward silence by changing the topic, my speciality around this subject.

“Oh, no. Nobody’s arrived yet. It’s 8 minutes to...”

“What?”

“8 minutes to 9 am” she repeated as she noticed the line keeps breaking up. Of course, she arrived before anyone else, without her, the office wouldn't work as it should. She keeps us all together.

“Ah, great. Ummm, all right. Have a nice day then!” I manage not to sound nervous when I realize I cannot have bad thoughts about her.

“The other day I tried to pl... a prank on Dwig... It was kind of aw... but I... had f...” I can’t fully understand what she states. “Anyway, everythi... is so boring witho... you. I mis... you he….....”.

And the call completely cuts off.

I dial again, I have no reception at all. Did she say she misses me? I unhappily smile knowing that’s the closest thing I’ll ever get to her loving me back. .

So I decide to go to bed and try to get some sleep because I’m completely exhausted and automatically fall asleep.

•

I’m in a big weird place I’ve never been to. Is it a church? I have no clue. I see Pam standing right next to me with her wedding dress, looking stunningly gorgeous. 

“And you may now kiss the bride”, is Dwight the Minister of our wedding? Woah.

So I begin to get closer to kissing her when she steps back. 

“What are you doing? You’re my best friend. I don’t want to marry you!” she says.

And I wake up. Kind of shaking and hyperventilating. I had a nightmare. Okay, it’s all right Jim, you’re fine. It was just a dream. 

I look around trying to find a clock to see what time it is. The darkness of this cold June night in Sydney is remarkable. 

4:58 am.

Try to go back to sleep.

Nope. It’s not gonna happen. 

0

I can’t sleep.

I mean, how could I? Knowing I’m about to lose the woman I love without even trying to do anything to avoid it?

Quickly, I get up from the bed and call my flight agency. I need to change my plane ticket. I need to go back to Scranton to stop that wedding.

“Hello? It’s Jim Harpert here. Oh, umm my full name is James Duncan Halpert. Fine, what about you? I’m glad!... So, I contracted your services and I’m currently in Sydney, Australia... yeah, everything is fine. No, no problems at all. I just.... would... like to know if I could change my plane ticket... something just came up. I need to go back home like... right now. As soon as possible, please. Yeah. Scranton, Pennsylvania. I’m in a hurry. When is the earliest flight out? I know it’s non-refundable but can I switch the ticket then? Oh, to the First Class Seat? How much would that cost overall? $1000 more? Ummm? All right. I think I can afford that? Well, okay. The plane takes off in 12 hours...? I guess I might be able to do that. Would I be back in Scranton for this Saturday at 6 pm? Great. Okay. 36 hours trip, 2 stops in Singapore and Paris. I trust you, dude. Do I need to do anything else? Okay. Thanks. Thank you so much.”

So... I suppose I’m doing it. Spending more money is probably the least of my concerns right now. Love is priceless. All or nothing. I just don’t care anymore. I’m wholeheartedly in love and completely messed up. It’s time to speak up.

•

Those 12 hours were faster than I thought. I got to sleep around eight hours after changing the ticket, got lunch and then came to the airport three hours before the departure because of the international check-in, migration, etcetera.

I got everything. My luggage, passport, neck pillow. Everything.

I’m twenty minutes away from taking off, and I’m genuinely terrified. At this point, I don’t think I even mind getting hurt again, I have to try this. I just hope she feels the same way I do. I deeply hope she loves me back. 

This isn’t about a whim. It’s about love, isn’t it? If it doesn’t work, at least I’ve tried and I’ll have to find a way to forget about her and move on, but now I need to feel positive about it.

“Passengers with destiny to Singapore, go to the boarding bridge in gate P-2”, I heard the number of my flight from the speakers, so I go with my backpack and boarding pass.

The flight was fine. Luckily, not too much turbulence. I spent half of the trip looking at the clouds and admiring everything I was surrounded by and therefore, thinking. Like, a lot. Overthinking, I would say. After all, it made me realize Dunder Mifflin isn’t too bad, is it? First of all, if I didn’t  work there, I wouldn’t have been able  to have this trip to Australia. Plus, my first flight travelling  First Class! And then, yes. Of course, my mind came back to Pam and since then, I thought of her all the way home. I remembered that night she accidentally kissed my lips during the Dundies Awards and how perfect that felt, even though I wasn’t expecting it at all. Just imagining the idea of doing that again puts my world upside down. Then I had a thousand more thoughts about us. Thinking about our past, our present, and manifesting a future. 

So far, so good. Eight hours later, I landed in Singapore. I had to wait almost 3 hours more for my other flight to Paris. I was getting closer and closer. I was excited and nervous.

I guessed it had to be early morning in Scranton and that Pam was waking up in a few hours. She still had another long day of work on Friday before  her big day. Gathering my thoughts about that made me freak out internally. 

I search for my phone in the back pocket of my jeans  and I had 5 missed calls and 3 voice messages. 

“Hey, Jim. It’s Pam. Umm, I’m sorry for calling you, like, a million times, I just wanted to talk to you but I guess that  won’t be happening. You’re the one who always makes me see clearly when I feel this. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind all this time since we talked, it’d be awesome if you could call me back ASAP. Sorry for bothering you. I know you’re on vacation. Bye.”

“Hi, it’s me again. I just remembered the funniest thing. Remember that time we played that prank on Dwight about you having mental powers and he completely believed it? God, I wish you were here to prank him, right now. Or not? I kinda need a distraction. Shit. I’m quite freaked out. But umm, anyway… I’m pacing around talking nonsense to myself. Sorry.”

“Okay, so. Here’s the issue, I don’t think I can do it. It’s not that I don’t… love him? Because I, I’d… umm. I’m doubting myself. What if I can’t do it? I mean, how could I be a good wife when I’m not even a good… girlfriend? There’s a lot of stuff I can’t change, like the fact you’re currently not here, in front of my desk and that I can't stop thinking about you. Wow. All right, I’m saying a lot of words. You are my best friend and I need you here. Ugh, I better shut up. I apologize”.

Wait… what? What do all of these messages even mean? I’m not going to lie, I’m bewildered, perplexed, absolutely confused. I don't want to raise  my false expectations because it could just mean she’s nervous about the wedding and that she just wants me there as a friend. Above all, that’s all we are. Friends.

What am I supposed to do with all of this? Should I call her? That’s probably not the best idea since it’s 4 am in Scranton. She wouldn’t answer my call, or even worse, Roy could answer. No, thanks. 

“Hey, I just got all of your voice messages. Are you okay? I’m available now but might lose my phone reception in 3 hours. I’m travelling. You can always call me again when you wake up! Hopefully, I’ll be able to answer this time” without further ado, I text her. 

Just needed her to know I’m there for her, even though not physically. 

The 3 hours of waiting between the Singapore and Paris flights went by promptly. I had nothing to do, I had already checked in and I had "Char Kuey Teow" for dinner, which is stir-fried rice noodles with prawns in one of the restaurants at  the airport. I was not so sure what it was until the moment I ate it. I was starving and it was delicious, by the way.

I’m boarding the plane and I have one of those feelings that  I’m not actually living what I’m doing. It’s insane, maybe I’m just going crazy. I have been to two different countries in the past 10 hours, and I still have  one more to go until my final destination. 

• 

I’m finally sitting in my seat, the flight is supposed to leave in ten minutes, so I just manage to check my phone before I lose signal. . No new messages. Who would text me anyway? I was expected to be having fun on my vacation in Australia, which did happen for a couple of days. 

It is only now that I realize I hadn’t asked anyone to pick me up at the airport in New York! And here is when I internally curse for a moment and take a deep breath because I have to ask my biggest frenemy, Dwight. I know he’s the most self-efficient and effective person I have ever known, and I’m sure he would do anything to make this work properly. I cannot ask my parents nor siblings because they don’t  know I was coming back home all of the sudden. They would have a trillion questions to ask, to which I only have one answer. One name. One reason. And I would be judged for that, so let’s avoid it.

“Hi, Dwight. I know this might be annoying but I was wondering if you could pick me up from the airport? I’m currently in Singapore, about to fly to Paris because I’m flying back to Scranton before Pam’s wedding. If everything goes correctly, I think I’ll be there on Saturday on time”.

“Consider it done, buddy” Dwight surprisingly replied instantly. .

“You know I wouldn’t bother you otherwise. Thank you so much, I owe you a big one. I’ll call you when I land in Paris”  I texted back.

The stewardesses start giving instructions to the passengers and my phone suddenly rings. One of them looks at me, encouraging me to answer, so that’s what I do next.

“Hello?” I reply.

“Hey…”

Oh my God, it’s her.

“Hi, Pam” it’s impossible for me not to smile. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I just woke up and saw your message” her voice sounds incredibly sweet and sleepy. “I’m heading to the office in a bit”.

“Oh. I’m glad you called”.

“Really? I truly felt I was being kinda annoying” she says, embarrassed.

“No, you weren’t” actually, I loved hearing from her. “Sorry I sent you right to voicemail”.

“Nah, it’s okay. Our time zones are completely different anyway” Pam sounds disappointed. “So, how’s it going?”

“Great! I’ve...” I’m interrupted.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard Flight 4B7 with service from Singapore to Paris. We are currently third in line to take-off and are expected to be in the air in approximately five minutes” it’s the Captain’s pre-flight announcement on the plane speakers.

“What? What was that?” she asks laughing.

I quickly get up from my seat and manage to go to the bathroom that is right in front of me and close the door. 

“Mmm, nothing. Australia is better than I thought”. 

“Yeah? I’m happy for you” her voice breaks a bit.

“Thanks, Beesly…” awkward silence. ”Are you sure you’re fine?”.

“Yeah…” silence. “Umm well, not really. I’m having second thoughts” she sounds ashamed.

“About what?”

“Roy isn’t sleeping at home tonight”.

“Oh” I actually don’t know what to say.

“And umm, I was wondering if we could talk about it?” I can tell she’s nervous about asking because of the shyness behind her words.

“Talk about what?” somebody knocks on the toilet’s door at the same time I’m speaking but I don’t pay attention to it. “Your feelings? Those whereupon you are probably never able to talk with your fiancé?”

“What?” she says, concerned.

I exhale.

“Yeah, Pam. I don’t know what to tell ya. Why don’t you call your mother? Your sister? There has to be at least one person who wants to have this conversation about your soon-to-be-husband, who isn’t me” I impulsively lose track of my words.

“Hey, what’s your problem? I wanted to talk to you because you’re my best friend and I told you more than once I needed you here but you didn’t care about me” Pam sounds upset.

I open the door and one of the stewardesses is waiting for me outside. I move my hand asking her for another minute and I automatically close the door again, without waiting for an answer.

“That I don’t care about you? You gotta be kidding me. I’m not your best friend, I’m your boyfriend without the rewards” I say, furious. 

At this moment in time, I find myself realizing what I’m doing. I’ve been flying for hours, to go to her wedding. What’s the point of all of this if she’s still going to keep calling me her best friend, just because I give her advice about her stupid fiancé?

“What are you talking about?”

The door knocks again.

“It doesn’t matter. I gotta go. Good luck with your wedding.”

“Jim” she breaks down in tears. 

“Have a good life” I hang up the phone and leave the aircraft lavatory.

The lady waiting outside looks at me annoyed and I only dare to say an insignificant “Sorry” as I sit again in my First Class seat. 

“Please turn off all personal electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones. Smoking is prohibited for the duration of the flight. Thank you for choosing our airline. Enjoy your flight” the Captain is still giving the instructions and it’s this moment that I realize the quantity of nonsense things I’ve been doing for the past couple of hours.

What am I doing? Why am I even doing this if she clearly doesn’t  feel the same way that I do? I just need to get off this plane, now.

So I stand up and grab my stuff, without thinking twice about my body movements. The flight assistant sees me and gets closer to me.

“Is there a problem, sir?” the woman says politely.

“Oh, no. No problems at all. I just need to get off this fucking plane right now. That’s all” I rudely speak to that poor lady whose only job is to be nice to the tripulation, give them the service they are supposed to get, and help them with whatever they need.

“I’m afraid that's not possible” she tries to touch my arm to get me to sit. “Are you nervous about flying? Everything is going to be fine”.

“No, that’s not the deal. I’m on my way to Scranton without making any sense whatsoever, can you believe that?” I laugh, sarcastically.

“Why don’t you sit? You already made it here, I’m sure there’s a good reason behind it” the approximately 55 year old kind woman says. 

“I doubt it” I slowly start sitting down whilst she is putting my belongings back in their place.

“We take off and you can tell me everything you have in your mind if you want to. That ought to help”.

And that’s what we do.

An hour into the flight the lady came to talk to me.

“I’m guessing you’re heartbroken, aren’t you?” she said getting closer to my seat once she made sure nobody would hear her.

“Do I look that desperate?” I barely smile.

“Look, over my thirty years working in this airplane company… I’ve seen a lot of situations like yours, multiple times. It’s either being terrified of flying or terrified of love. You said you weren’t scared, so I just supposed it was the second option”.

“Yeah, I guess I’m not special”. 

“I think having the capacity to love is special enough” she softly says.

“Well… now, it doesn't really matter anyway” I look down, embarrassed. “She’s about to get married”.

“Who?”

“My coworker and best friend, Pam. She’s getting married tomorrow to a dude who treats her like garbage and she doesn’t deserve that. She’s just so sweet, warm and easy to be around and ugh, I’m complimenting her again. I’m just so in love and there’s nothing I can do about it”.

“May I ask why you are here in the first place if tomorrow is her wedding?” she’s looking at me. 

“I ran away. I just couldn’t see her getting married in front of me, so I asked for leave at work and I bought the earliest plane ticket to Australia because I needed to be as far away as possible”. 

“And why are you here now?”

“I’m going back home, I have no idea why, because I’ve just decided I won’t attend the wedding. We just had a fight over the phone. Or well actually, I fought her because I got nervous”. 

“Why did you fight with her?”

“Because I’m an idiot, plus she dared to say I don’t care about her. She sees me as her best friend and that sucks for me that I’m ridiculously flying around the world for her”.

“Does she know you’re doing this?”

“That she’s the reason why I ran away and the reason I’m coming back? No. She doesn’t know any of that”.

“Does she know about your feelings?”

“No, but she might as well know. . I think she might sense how she is the only person in the room for me, even when I’m surrounded by a hundred people”.

“Well, I think you’ve got your answer there. You’re being too hard on her”. 

“Yeah, maybe. I’m just desperate, you know? What if it’s too late? What if I show up at the wedding and she marries him anyway and I have to see that?” 

“There’s only one way to know. Stick to your plan and face it. You should tell her you’re  madly in love with her. How do you know she doesn’t feel the same way? How do you know that would happen if you don’t even try? Don’t regret it.”

“She tells me I’m her best friend every time we talk. Besides, she’s literally marrying her high school boyfriend. They’ve been together since forever. I have no space in her future. I don’t think it’s fair to show up at her wedding asking her not to do it. It is just selfish. I just realized that while talking to you” I say, completely sincere. 

“Love is never selfish,” the stewardess says, as she smiles, stepping back when someone calls her. Which leaves me by myself thinking.

The next 14 hours of the flight went by slower than I thought they would. I had a big chat with the woman for about an hour or so overall. I slept peacefully. I watched a stupid rom-com. Read a bit of my book. And at least twice, went to the bathroom to cry my feelings out. 

I was sticking to my plan and facing it.

•

Paris - Charles de Gaulle International Airport.

Finally made it here. Paris. A 3 hours stop over, 8 more hours to go by plane and 2 hours to drive to get into my final destination, the church. It’s the middle of the night and at this point, I’m hallucinating. I don’t think any of this feels real anymore. I need to take a shower. I need to sleep in a bed. I wish I would’ve known how to handle this situation differently. I need a million things instead of doing this. 

If only I had opened my goddamn mouth when I had to. If only I had had  the guts to tell her my emotions, but I didn’t. Now it’s too late. Well, it’s almost too late. Giving up early is for weak people and even though I’m extremely vulnerable, I still have a little magic power inside that helps me go forward: Love.

“Hey, Dwight” my phone rings, so I answer.

“What’s up, Harpert? Are you in Paris already?” 

“Yeah, I arrived, like an hour or so ago”.

“Good to know. So, what’s the deal?”

“Umm, the thing is, umm... I’m… I’ve developed some… feelings for Pam and umm…”

“Tell me something I don’t know already”.

“Do you know-know? Or you just think you know?”

“I know-know. I’ve always known-known.” Dwight says and I can feel my cheeks going hot and red.

“Oh, wow. Was it that obvious?”

“For me, yes. For the rest of the world, I think you’ve done a good job hiding it”.

“Do you think she…?”

“...She knows? Nah. I don’t think so”.

“No, I mean… do you think she feels the same?”

“Not sure, I could go to her house to ask her, though”.

“Hey, don’t dare you.” my voice sounds threatening.

“All right, I won’t. I was testing you, dummy”. He laughs. This is embarrassing.

“Jeez, Dwight”. 

“But I don't think I’ve ever seen her looking at anyone  the same way she looks at you,” he says, and that makes me smile. Suddenly, I feel faith. “Anyway, what’s the plan?” he asks, interested. 

“I need you to do me some favors before going to the airport. Can you please go to my house and pick up some things I need? I’ll text you the instructions and my flight number. Mark should be there to let you in”.

“Yeah, sure”.

“My plane should be arriving in Newark at 12:50 pm Scranton time, tomorrow”. 

“Good, Pam’s wedding doesn’t start till 6 pm. We have plenty of time for the 2 hour drive from the airport to the church”.

“I hope so”.

“We can do this”.

“Thanks, Schrute”.

“See you in a couple of hours, Harpert” Dwight hangs up.

•

Made it to the United States of America. Late, but I made it.

The weather was bad in Paris. It was raining cats and dogs, so my flight was delayed.

Yup. It is what it is. Everything was going well but no, bad things happen to good people. 

I've been trying not to freak out for the past few hours but I don’t think I’m doing a good job. We were about to take off when a torrential downpour started happening and the tripulation was obligated to stay in their seats until the rain finished so that we could do our thing. 

I have been taking long deep breaths to manage the anxiety all of this is giving me.

It’s 3:40 pm and I just got to the car with Dwight. He said nothing about me not arriving on time, got my luggage in the trunk of the car and started driving like crazy.

“We are fine. I’ll drive as fast as I can” he says looking at the driveway and I smile at him for being absolutely supportive. I’m grateful.

“Thanks. I’m internally freaking out, tired and I might smell like hell”.

“Yeah, pretty much” he laughs. “In the back seat is your tuxedo and the envelope you asked me to bring, go change”. 

And that’s what I do next.

•

We are finally arriving in Scranton. 

Same old feeling. The familiarity of the streets, the summer calmness of a boring Saturday afternoon, the melancholic feeling of being back at home, even though I was gone for only one week. I have literally no dimension of time anymore. My mental state is more likely to make me see things in irrational and absurd ways. No complaints at all. Perhaps, I needed this little shake-up.

My clock on my phone is still set up with the Australia time zone, I have no idea what time it is.

“We are there in like 10 blocks”. Dwight says when he notices I’ve only been looking towards the window without saying a word for half of the trip.

“Good”.

And some seconds later, I hear the church bells ring. 

•

I couldn’t make it on time. 

I got out of the car, there are about 50 people in the church door waiting for Pam and Roy outside. A tear drops down my cheek and I fastly manage to dry it out with my tuxedo sleeve when Dwight looks at me disappointed.

“I’m sorry,”  he says.

“It was ridiculous anyway, but thanks for trying. Appreciated”. No facial expressions are found in my face.

I Fix my clothes, take a long deep breath to get closer to the rest of the people in there. I knew this was a possibility. I knew it all could go wrong. I knew it all along. I stuck to my plan. Now, I need to face it, although I have already  failed.

I recognize Pam’s mom upstairs and I see Michael with Jan, looking gorgeous and handsome together and right next to them, some of my coworkers. The rest of the people, I have no idea who they are. 

My hands are sweating. I’m quite sure I look disgusting but either way, I join the rest of the guests.

“There they come!” some kids say and I feel completely uncomfortable, so I step back a bit and look away. I don’t think I can see this.

I inhale deeply.

“Congratulations to the bride and groom!!” the guests start saying while they throw flower petals to them. “Congrats Beth and Jason!”

Excuse me, who? 

I quickly turn around to look. Those are not Pam and Roy! I exhale.

“Jimbo!” Michael appears next to me to say hi. “I didn’t know you were coming. Weren’t you in Sydney?”

“Well… I was” we laugh and I instantly look away, distressed.

“Oh, I get it”. He looks serious at me. “You okay?”

“Yeah,  I guess. Did she… get married?”

“Not yet. The ceremony starts in 20 minutes. Do you need to… you know? See her?” he says slowly and murmuring, making sure no one hears. 

This might be the one and only time he says important information without shouting and letting the rest of the world know about it.

“Yeah. Do you know where she is?”

“Yes, I saw her 5 minutes ago. Come with me”.

We walk around the church and make it to the back. I can see Pam, out of everybody’s sight, waiting. She is sitting in a wood chair, looking down.

Michael smiles at me as soon as he sees my eyes meet hers and leaves us alone.

I get closer and then I touch her shoulder.

“Hey dad” she turns around, then says. “Oh, my God”

“Hi”.

“It’s you! What are you… what are you doing here?” she is surprised.

“I umm, I wanted to be here”. I say, shyly.

She looks incredibly beautiful in her wedding dress. She’s far prettier than I pictured her in my nightmare and dreams. 

“What the hell, Jim?” she stands up.

“I’m sorry, I can leave”.

“No, no. I mean, I’m so glad you came” she smiles looking at my tuxedo from the bottom to the top. “That’s what she said” she jokes, then hugs me for some seconds to end up face to face with me.

“Please, Beesly!” we both laugh and an awkward silence invades our conversation. “I literally got off the plane less than 3 hours ago”.

“Weren’t you on your vacation?”

“Yeah, but I felt it wasn’t what I needed any more” her eyes finally found mine. “I have more important things to do here. Right now”.

“What things?” she whispers looking down my lips, I automatically touch my back pocket in my pants.

“Everything you ever need to know is in this note” I hand her the white envelope I asked Dwight to bring from my house. “It’s from the teapot”.

“Know about what? Why didn’t I get this before?” 

And she opens it up and reads it.

“I gave it to you but then I took it out of your gift. I just knew it wasn’t fair for you to umm… know over a note”.

I don’t want to remember but I still remember one of the thousands of times I tried to declare my love to her.

Some seconds later she looks at me, with sparks in her green hazel eyes. 

“Oh… wow”.

“I was umm… I’m in love with you” I whisper in my weakest voice. 

“What?”

““I didn’t have the guts back then umm I do guess now. I’m really sorry if this is weird for you to hear . Probably not good timing” I say while I’m staring at her wedding dress. 

Pam looks at me for a moment. I really don’t know what she is thinking.

“I’m literally getting married in a few minutes. What are you doing?”

 “I just needed you to know… once” staring at her longingly then absorbing this blow.

“Well, I um… I… I can’t”.

“Yeah” disappointed, I look down.

“You have no idea…” Pam looks directly at me.

“Don’t do that” she grabs my hand, I genuinely feel like I’m going to pass out.

“…What your friendship means to me”.

“I am just a friend to you, aren’t I?” she looks around avoiding my answer, uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry Jim”.

“Come on. I don’t wanna do that. I wanna be more than that” a tear falls  down my face.

“I can’t”.  After all, I would rather have had her get married than be rejected.

“Are you still gonna marry him?”

“Yes”.

“Okay” I say, slipping my hand out of hers and leaving with my heart broken in a thousand pieces. 

That’s everything I could do. I tried. 

•

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Pamela Morgan Beesly and Roy Anderson in matrimony” the wedding preacher says, as we are all sitting in our seats awaiting for the ceremony to start. 

Perfect silence. Nobody says  a word. 

For all of us, the inevitable rise and fall of life and love, recasting as an emotional emergency is present, as it is everybody’s fantasy to burst into a church asking somebody to not get married.

For the rest of them, admiration for every light that is illuminating the room, moreover looking at Pam and Roy, holding hands in the dais. 

For me, the not so great revelation to rely on the tension of hindsight and perplexity, a perspective I have always despised. 

“Which is commended to be honourable among all men; and therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly”.

The magic is in how we wring our hyper specificity for universal truths. In how we believe we are finding love, In whether we think we are deserving of it once we’ve found it .

“Into this holy estate, these two people presented before us now come to be joined. If any person can show fair cause why they may not be joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Dwight and Michael look at me, encouraging me to speak up. 

I have been waiting for so long to do so, that I have no words left to scream any more. This is my  last opportunity to protest. My heart is beating so fast and that’s why I gain the strength to stand up. 

The entire room looks back at me, as they notice somebody has unexpectedly risen. 

But, this is actually me, giving up.

Unwinding my shirt, I cross in front of  some of the people sitting next to me, managing to walk myself quickly to the main door to leave. 

I made it outside the church and the sky is suddenly cloudy and dark. It’s about to rain.

I sit in the last stair step and I realize I’m shaking. Putting my head down, my elbows over my knees and heavily exhaling: I start crying. I don’t think I have ever cried more unapologetically in my entire life. 

And it starts pouring, therefore I’m wet.

“I said ‘I don’t’” Pam appears behind me agitated, as she has just ran the long church’s hallway. “Take me out of here. Now.”

I hold her hand and we start running to the end of the block. All of the sudden, she stops running.

 “Jim” I look at her, terrified. “I think you know inside that I’ve loved you like no one else I’ve ever met on earth, and that you’ve stayed and lived in my heart all this time”. She smoothes a finger over my brow and I smile in the happiest way I didn’t know I had inside of me.

She was the one for whom I would go  through war and hell. The one for whom I’d travel the world with less than 48hrs notice. The one with whom my destiny would forever be entwined.

“Pam” I grin from ear to ear while I touch her face and I can barely see through my full-of-tears sight and the rain. “You are what made my purpose in life at Scranton worth it, I know that time is counting every breath I take and I just can’t believe how long I waited all these years to tell you that I love you”.

“I love you, Jim. You are so worth it” she says softly , looking directly toward my eyes . She  is the one who finally breaks the space that was separating our mouths and starts our expected kiss. The one we’ve hoped, wished, desired and dreamed of all this uncountable time.

It has been:

One year since I honestly thought nothing could happen between us.

Two years since we became best friends.

Three years since she got engaged.

Four years since we met each other.

And it has only taken one day for me to fall in love and imagine the rest of my life with her.