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1. She might not have liked that thing he did with his mouth.

He’d tried it once on her in high school, a sort of sideways thrusting with his tongue, and it seemed to make her much more eager to get to the actual sex part.  Which he’d figured meant it was working. She’d never complained any other time he did it.

When he’d given her what he thought was the best sex of her life that Valentine’s Day, he’d made sure he did a lot of that to her, for even longer. He thought the reason she’d been all stiff was just because she was in a weird mood that day, for reasons she never explained to him because she never did. Pammy got in weird moods sometimes. He’d accepted it. It was often better not to ask why, especially when she didn’t seem to want to tell him anyway.

But he’d really thought she liked the thing he did with his mouth.

It wasn’t until much later, when he tried it out on Laura, and she asked him what the hell he was doing. He’d assured her some girls liked it. She’d gently assured him absolutely no woman would, ever, and never to do it again. He’d thought about the many times he’d done it with Pam, with her lying quietly on her back, and realised he’d have to add it to the long list of instances of him misinterpreting what Pam being quiet meant.

It’s not that Roy is bad at sex. Laura’s reassured him of that, and he’d had girlfriends before and after Pam who definitely thought he was good. He also knows he was good at some things with Pam. The sex had been one of the better parts of their relationship, especially when they didn’t have to talk. But the thing with his mouth - apparently not. He really wishes Pam would have just told him that. 

 

 

 

2. She didn’t forget what happened on their first date, and she didn’t think it was as funny as he did.

It’s not like he didn’t feel bad about it. He did. He’d felt pretty terrible, when Kenny had suddenly asked him where his date was and he’d remembered. He’d gone back for her. He sometimes wonders if she’s forgotten that now.

He’d felt even worse, when he’d pulled up outside the deserted rink and found her sitting alone on the steps. He’d thought she was cute on the date, and even cuter then, sitting there in the team colors. She’d made an effort. She was a really nice girl. Sort of shy, and not like other girls he’d dated. He thinks that other girls would have screamed at him for leaving them there. But Pam had stood up, just looking relieved he’d come back for her, and kind of laughed it off. So he’d laughed too. Because it was pretty funny. She was cool, he’d thought.

He’d thought it had become a playful joke between them, a cute little anecdote about their first date. Something him and his brother cracked up over, and his mom teased him about. He thinks his brother might have been planning to reference it in his best man’s speech. (He also thinks his brother wouldn’t have forgotten that Roy had gone back for her, and he would have made sure to include that in the speech too).

Pam had brought it up herself, two weeks before their wedding. It had come out of nowhere. And she hadn’t been laughing. When Roy had tried to remind her that it was funny, she’d lapsed into silence. Maybe that should have been his first sign that there was something amiss. It hadn’t made her abrupt decision to call the whole thing off a week later any less of a gut punch, though.

When she’d told him the following year about Halpert kissing her, and Roy had been violently imagining all of the things Halpert might have done to come on to her, to turn her against him, he’d thought about their first date. Thought about how she’d seemed to go from finding it funny, to it not being ok at all, and wondered if Halpert had played a role in that. If he’d said something to her.  At that point Roy had been imagining all the fucking things Halpert might have said to her up in that office, when it was just the two of them, when Halpert had got her alone. How he might have tried to twist things, insert himself into the picture. 


He’d bet Halpert had told her he’d never leave her at a hockey game. Well, the guy probably didn’t even like hockey. Roy had got himself very worked up over that one.

But after the pepper spray and the firing, and after he’d calmed down and had his final conversation with Pam, he’d been less sure.

Maybe it was nothing to do with Halpert. Maybe she’d never found it that funny at all.  

 

 

 

3. She’s got different smiles, and they don’t all mean the same thing.

And it’s damn confusing. And weird, because he’d learnt that about Laura pretty quickly (and it makes sense with Laura), but it had taken him ages to notice with Pam. He thinks her face must just be less expressive.

He’d assumed it was simple - if she was smiling, she was happy. He thinks he assumed a lot of things were simple with Pam, and apparently they never were.

He’d got a hint of it that time he’d come into the office to find Halpert with his hands all over her. She’d been smiling at the guy in a way that Roy had never seen before. But Roy had been madder that Halpert looked like he was trying to feel her up - his girlfriend - actually, no, maybe his fiancée at that point? - and assumed that was why he was so unsettled. So that had been his focus as he’d barged over to get the guy off her. When he thinks about it now, he’s not sure Pam ever smiled at him like that. Or at least, he doesn’t remember seeing that smile again.

He’d got another hint when he’d started to realise she had a fake smile. Like that night of her birthday, when - ok, Roy had invited the warehouse guys over and got a bit carried away - but Pam had definitely been smiling the couple of times he’d glanced over at her. Except then, when he’d asked why she was so grumpy once everyone left, she’d told him that she hadn’t had a good time at all. And how was he supposed to know that? He wonders now, how often her smile had been fake. Like when they’d been watching football, or hanging with his buddies or his brother. Or on their vacations, when he thought she’d been happy left alone doing her drawings or reading or whatever it was, while he did all the fun activities. He’d assumed she was fine with them having different interests. Maybe not. She’d smiled when she was with him, though, when it was just them.  And he’s pretty sure that hadn’t been fake all the time.  He’d just never worked out how to tell the two apart.

She’d had a work smile and a home smile too. He’d figured that out when he realised she was weirdly quiet at work (and by work he means, when she was with anyone but Jim), and also when she was around people she didn’t know well. She became even more cautious, and she didn’t laugh anywhere near as much. Like a different person. Which had never made sense to Roy, because he’s the same everywhere, with everyone. He’d found it kind of jarring on Pam. He’d never got it. Laura’s not like that at all, and it’s a relief. 

It obviously doesn’t bother Halpert. But then Roy thinks there are a lot of things that Pam does that don’t seem to bother Halpert.  Skipping off to art school, those detailed breakdowns of her day that Roy never really needed to hear, the weird moods that came out of nowhere, all the saying or not saying stuff when she meant something else. Don’t get Roy wrong - there were trade-offs that made those things worth it. Pam is a great girl.

But Roy is glad that she’s got Halpert to interpret her smiles now. And, even though he thinks he’s always going to have a place in his heart for Pam, he’s also very glad that he doesn’t have to try to interpret them himself any more. Because he never really could.  


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