March-April 2010

In her almost 31 years, Pam had experienced a progression of life-altering moments that shifted the very essence of who she was. They existed like dividing lines crisscrossed through her mind demarcating what she had been before and what she became afterwards.

She was too young to remember the first time she ever used a crayon to draw a picture but felt a fundamental difference in herself when she was presented with colored pencils by an elementary school art teacher who noticed her talent and showed her how to use new tools to add detail and depth, layers and shadows to her creative outpourings.

Meeting Roy was another of those cataclysmic events, only she had no idea at the time that the connection that felt chemical and charged when they met as lab partners in science class was on a trajectory that would lead not only to the solidification of the crystals in the experiment she performed most of the work on, but to her own personal petrification years later.

It wasn’t until she met Jim that she got a proper education in the subject of chemistry, but it took their kiss to break the bond that kept her fused to Roy and another full year for their stars to fully align, both events creating delineations of her then and now.

But Pam could identify no event in her life that introduced a more distinct difference between the before and after than when she gave birth to her first child.

There was no way to describe it, but she felt the monumental shift in herself from the moment she first heard her daughter’s cry.

It was beautiful and amazing and her heart filled with a love she didn’t think was possible to grow more of, and she was astonished to find how much the vessel could expand to fit all of that extra emotion in.

But it was jarring too, being wholly responsible for this tiny thing, even with knowing Jim was going to be an amazing father. She never had doubts he would be, just a small bit of uneasiness every time he made his joke about wanting a boy, that he’d be just a little less so when he found out his son was a daughter, a worry completely alleviated after she witnessed him become overcome with emotion in their parking lot when she shared the news with him.

Despite the relief of knowing the joke had always just been his schtick for the camera—Jim was proving to be a doting and supportive father—she still couldn’t help but be overwhelmed in her new role as mother.

It was however, the attachment she felt to her new daughter, that sensation that they were still connected and always would be, that made it so strange to leave her in those early days. That when Cece was not in her arms or a mere peek away resting in her crib or tucked into her stroller, something was terribly off.

The first time she felt it was when the nurse at the hospital took her away to the nursery. She was gone no more than an hour or so but Pam felt restless the whole time. Despite her exhaustion from the hours of labor, with Cece gone she was unable to sleep and tossed and turned even while Jim fell right off, his gentle snoring in this case not the thing keeping her from joining him. Holding out as long as she could so he could benefit from the small recharge a brief nap would supply, when the sound of her thumping heart became louder than his guttural breathing she finally pawed for the button on his side of the hospital bed to insist their daughter be brought back to them.

In the days after they arrived home—it hadn’t even fazed her to find Dwight in their deconstructed kitchen her attention was so entirely focused on her newborn daughter–she only let Cece out of her sight for the briefest of periods and even then, she was always just in the next room being watched over by Jim or her mom or the baby monitor which Pam kept attached to her hip even while she slept.

In those first days though, she never left the house without her. She physically couldn’t let her be anywhere that she couldn’t be back to her in a moment flat, despite struggling through the challenges of being a new mom.

Like the incessant crying fits that came on for no apparent reason and that she seemed powerless to stop.

While Jim was still off from work, they handled these much the way they planned pranks on Dwight or dealt with Michael’s shenanigans, tag teaming through the possible causes.

Pam would try nursing.

Jim would check her diaper.

Pam would lightly pat her back in attempts to get a burp from her.

Jim tested out his swaddling skills, which had improved slightly since the hospital, but then again so had Cece's ability to wiggle and squirm so his bindings were more snack wrap than burrito.

They took turns rocking her in various positions from the over the shoulder to the football hold (which never worked on Cece) and when all else failed, it was a ride in the car that often did the trick.

But after Jim went back to work, Pam was left to run through all of it on her own, at least until Jim returned each night to find her still unshowered, frazzled and sometimes having crying fits of her own to rival their newborn daughter’s.

But even the struggles of going through it alone weren’t stronger than the sense of anxiety Pam felt when she attempted to leave her, even if it was just to grab a shower during the short bursts when Cece would sleep.

Helene tried reasoning with her during one of her early visits to be of some help.

“You know Pammy, the separation anxiety stage isn’t supposed to happen until much later.”

Without looking up from her new granddaughter who lay contently against her legs, she took hold of Cece’s tiny hands, letting the baby form a solid grip around her forefinger.

“And it’s usually the child who experiences it. Not the mom.”

The statement only made Pam more upset, if that were possible following the mini tantrum she had when Helene suggested going out by herself for the groceries would do her some good.

But still Helene continued trying to convince her it would be fine.

“I'm more than capable of watching her while you run out for an hour. You forget you were a baby once and I managed to take care of you. Your sister too.”

Pam used the burp cloth she had over her shoulder to wipe hormonal tears from off her face. She leaned over from where she sat on the other side of the couch to see Cece’s eyes fluttering, her little arms flailing about as they often did just before she drifted into a peaceful slumber, much in the same way Jim’s limbs also flapped restlessly in the moments preceding his wafting into a deep sleep.

“Maybe I could take a quick trip while she’s napping. But I think I should pump first.”

With Cece fully under the sandman's spell, Helene carefully lifted her from the cradle her bent knees formed to bring her to the proper crib for an afternoon nap. Pam looked over to make sure her mom supported her head during the transport before she herself turned back for the kitchen and the contraption that she still felt awkward using.

She took a moment to admire the work Dwight raced to complete a few days after they returned from the hospital without her even knowing he had been there, fourteen hours, according to Jim spread over lunch breaks and evenings and the occasional early morning.

Grabbing the shields and the tubing from the drying rack and sterile bags from the newly fitted cabinet, she sat down at the table and hooked herself up to the merciless machine that made her feel like the goat they watched Mose milk during their stay at Schrute Farm some years back.

“And I did it alone,” Helene ranted loudly to be heard over the whoosh, whoosh of the pump that echoed in the kitchen she joined her daughter in.

“Did what alone, mom?” Pam inquired vociferously so to be heard over the wheezing of the breast mangling device that was drowning out her voice.

She looked down to inspect the contents of the container hooked up to her bosom. Satisfied with the output, switched the shield to her other breast.

“Raised two children… all on my own too. Your dad didn’t lift a finger when you were infants. Or toddlers. Or during most of your childhood. I did it all without any help from him.”

Turning the dial to increase the suction level on the pump so to speed up the extraction, lest she be trapped while her mom went on another rant about her father, she suffered through the discomfort of the higher setting and had a full five ounces before Helene could say anything more.

Though still not at ease about leaving, but not wanting to stay for another dad-bashing session either, she reattached her nursing bra, pulled down her spit-up covered tee shirt and went to gather her things while Helene started on the dishes that were still piled in the sink from breakfast and last night’s dinner and quite possibly the prior two nights too.

She managed to get as far as the front closet when the squeak of a cry sounded from the nursery. Freshly pumped breasts seemed to instantly refill as the whine grew louder for a moment and then stopped. But it was too late, the trip was abandoned the minute she heard the first peep and her mother hadn’t come running from the kitchen to check.

Helene did emerge however when next a follow-up whimper escalated to all out howling which carried on for the next hour. Cece’s inconsolable fit kept both moms busy in attempts to settle her down again preventing Helene from leaving to do the grocery run in Pam's place. While Grandma attempted another burping session, Pam made a quick call instructing Jim to pick up another fast-food dinner and the diapers on his way home from the office.

After a few more days of the same, it became no surprise that Helene begged out of coming to over to help. Seems Cece’s witching hour, which began around 3:30 brought about Pam’s bitching hour on schedule for 4:30 and Helene was the prime target at least until Jim walked in the door, his cheerful, “where are my girls?” replied to with grumbles and tears and Helene saying hi and bye in one breath as she escaped out the door he hadn’t even closed behind him yet.

Things ironically got a little better when Helene stopped coming. Pam at least was settling into a routine where she managed to shower every other day, switching off cleaning herself with washing the dishes and learned going out for the groceries with Cece after 3:00 was the very thing to keep the late afternoon fits at bay.

But she still hadn’t been able to separate from her daughter, even for a minute. Even while showering, with the curtain left half open, Cece sat strapped in the bouncy seat on the ancient tiled floor that still remained from when the previous generation of Halperts owned the house. She sometimes wondered if Jim himself had also spent time on the floor of this room, left to stare at the mosaic wall of ceramic while tucked in an infant seat as his own mother washed herself behind the curtain.  

---

The first time she did go out without Cece she didn’t get very far.

It was a day where the crying spell precluded with their outing to Target to exchange some pajamas Cece would never get to wear–had her aunt and uncle even noticed the height of her new husband at their wedding, what were they thinking buying size 0-3–had not been eliminated but rather delayed. 

She was still in the throes of it when Jim walked in from work that night. 

“Where are my…oops…wrong house.”

It was apparent from the way she directed her rancor his way with a piercing scowl, she didn’t for one second appreciate the joke he made in turning around as soon as he got into the den where Pam paced with Cece in her arms. 

Realizing his error, he quickly set down his satchel and head off to wash his hands, returning in record time to be passed his still wailing daughter who proceeded to spit up on his suit jacket in the middle of her howls. He knew he should have removed it first. It wasn't the first time he'd been victim to the violent spurt of projectile spit-up but better to be in that line of fire than that of Pam's at the moment.

The jacket could always be cleaned.

Cece carried on with unrelenting cries as he switched her to the other shoulder. Knowing the further risk he posed by asking, he made a follow-up inquiry all the same.

“Could she be hungry?”

If he could grab the words back from the air, he would have. New parent fatigue was disrupting his better judgement and the minute he heard what he'd said, he half expected her to rip into him like the paper he just got back from peddling at the office.

But unpredictably Pam only responded to his question by simply taking back their baby and passing him a burp cloth from off one of her shoulders.

Never one who paid much mind to accessorizing and fashion trends, it was that much more ironic that it was only now that no outfit, not the all-day pajamas nor the inside-out sweater and stretched out leggings combination, was complete without the 'shoulder pads' that Kelly insisted were making their comeback from the 80s, except in Pam's case it was less fashion statement and more about being able to quickly wipe up the copious amounts of curdled milk Cece could expel.   

She had even gone as far as to consider pulling out the bright pink Pashmina Kelly had long ago forced her to buy and was yet unworn. Had it been machine washable it would make a handy and absorbent, oversized burb cloth, but since it wasn't and with Jim forgetting to remove his jacket when he came home, they already were visiting the dry cleaner more often than ever before.

As Jim dabbed at his sportscoat, she explained without a hint of acerbity, she had tried nursing first, and no this was not Cece’s hunger cry anyway.

“Should I take her back to check the diaper?”

Pam lifted Cece’s butt to her nose and shook her head before lowering her down to try the never successful football hold in the chance it might be what it took to settle her this time.

“No Jim, this is one of her I’m going to cry for an hour just to see if I can make you join me spells. She has replaced Michael in testing my patience. But she’s already been at it for more than a half hour, so only it should only be about another 20-25 minutes until she either succeeds or gives up on trying.”

Jim giving up on his jacket himself, took it off and proceeded to set it down on the couch. Turning his back if only for the millisecond it took to set it down put him at a disadvantage not being able to see her face and sense any sudden climate changes in Cece or his wife.

Likewise, so did forgetting the minefield that a screaming baby created, especially if it was one of many that Pam had to deal with today.

But once again he let an impulsive suggestion slip off his tongue.

“You know what might help, a walk. It’s a warm night. And I think it will do you good to get a little fresh air and a break from all the crying.”

Where he narrowly missed the attitude grenade before, this time he wasn't as lucky and received a direct hit of her acrimonious sarcasm.

“That’s an idea I never had before. Go for a walk.”

But even through the sassiness she gave him, she still began to bundle their crying daughter up into the tiny Patagonia fleece, a gift from Kelly that she’d explained was the height of infant fashion but also happened to be adorable on her not to mention the perfect weight for the recent weather, and had become one of the presents Pam most appreciated.

Jim was right, sometimes fresh air did help and even if it didn’t, getting Cece out of the house would at least give him a little peace and quiet after the long day she imagined he had. After all, he was back at work dealing with all the babies there.

“What are you doing?”

“I was out before. It’s warm for us, but not warm enough for her. She still needs more than just her ‘If You Think I’m Cute, You Should See My Mom and Dad's Boss onesie if I’m going to take her outside.”

Jim took the five steps over to where Pam was placing Cece into her stroller. When he arrived, he first planted a gentle forehead kiss on one of the two things he loved most in the world, gently nudging her away to lean in and place one on the other before he continued.

“Okay, so I didn’t see that’s what you put her in today but I think we may have just stumbled on the real reason why she’s crying.”

He knew she wouldn’t laugh, not while bursts of indignant screeching still radiated from Cece’s tiny scrunched up face but he was content to see his comment had stretched the corners of Pam’s mouth to an almost smile.

In the second he had her distracted, he positioned himself in between Pam and his daughter and unbuckling her from within the harness, he lifted Cece out of the stroller and up to his own chest.

“But what I meant was you should go by yourself, take a little break. I’ll stay with her. You’ve had her all day. It’s my turn to have a little daddy, daughter time.”

“While she’s hysterical?”

Pam was all for giving Jim his chance to bond with their baby but she couldn’t imagine listening to her grating cries was the way he wanted to spend it; that hearing their little girl in distress and not knowing how to stop it was any less a needle to his nerves and no less brutal on his heart.

“I’m sure she’ll calm down soon. And if she doesn’t, I’ll manage. I’d suggest you lie down but,” he pushed his daughter off his torso to hold her up in front of him, “who could sleep with all this noise?” he spoke sotto voce shaking his own head deliberately as Cece wailed on.

“Seriously, Beesly. Go walk around the block. We’ll be fine.”

It took a bit more convincing but in time Pam switched her remaining 'shoulder pad' out for her cardigan and left her daughter and husband to get a little fresh air and more importantly a little quiet.

It was a short trip.

Closing the door behind her as she stepped onto the stoop kept the heart-wrenching sounds from reaching her ears but knowing she left her daughter in an inconsolable state still pained her. It didn’t matter the only noises she heard were the near imperceptible wind and the occasional chirp of a bird, in her head Cece’s cries still echoed as clear as they had in the house, bucking the laws of science by becoming louder with each inch she took towards the sidewalk. It didn’t matter she knew she was with her father who would do everything in his power to soothe her and was perfectly capable of watching her while she took a short walk down the block. All she could think was how out-of-body she felt as her nostrils filled with the scent of the night air instead of Desitin and baby shampoo and Cece.

She tried to continue, shakily moving along the concrete slabs, looking down at cracks that it felt like only yesterday she would have avoided in order not to break her mother’s proverbial back.

Unaware of her own movement, she kept walking in the daze that came over her as she passed the Martinelli's house next door.

If she weren’t feeling like she left her soul back at the house, it might have dawned on her she was now the mother who would be susceptible to imaginary broken spines and cracked backs, but all she could feel was that this walk seemed like the most foreign thing she’d ever done and she’d only gone the length of a single house without Cece along with her.

She willed herself to keep going but not without first looking at her phone to be sure she hadn’t missed a call from Jim summoning her back.  Having no calls meant there was no logical reason to turn around just yet, except the intense sensation she was missing an appendage. If it were possible to leave a limb behind, she would have checked to make sure she still had all hers.

By the time she got to the Johnson’s place, three doors down from theirs, she was a complete mess. Looking down at shaking legs to check they were still attached to her body she turned on her heel and practically ran all the way to their home.

Racing up the walk she forced herself to calm down before she opened the door. Inside it was silent except for a soft snore she recognized in an instance.

There on the couch was Jim, now down to his bare chest.  Cece lay sprawled across it, strapped in by the large hands that even when layered atop each other, covered the span of her whole body. They both were fast asleep.

Smiling as she gazed upon the two people she loved most in the world, immediately she felt whole again.

Another time she might have grabbed her pencil and sketchpad to capture the moment in graphite but in this instance settled for picking up her camera to preserve the memory. Fortunately, it was only Jim she woke with the sound of the shutter and the spark of the flash.

---

It took weeks for Pam to get to a place where she could leave Cece for any significant period of time and still it was only with Jim when she did. Eventually Jim and Helene managed to convince her they could add Grandma to the short list of acceptable caregivers, so they could enjoy a night out with each other.

Setting her up with enough pumped milk to grant them a few hours, Jim had suggested an early dinner at Christopher’s. They’d last seen Beth about a month before the wedding. They had hoped she would make the trip and join them to celebrate at Niagara Falls but understood when she sent her regrets and a small gift.

Pam was still nervous as they left the house, feeling shaky and unstable as she walked in the low heels she hadn’t worn in weeks, the last time with a much different center of balance.

“She’ll be fine,” he told her as they pulled out of the driveway. Pam fidgeted in her seat not quite as uncomfortable as when she took her first walk sans Cece, but still visibly tense to be traveling so far away their first time out together without her.

Grabbing her left hand with his right, he squeezed reassuringly while he went on to describe the latest insane thing Michael had done, hoping it would take her mind off leaving Cece and humor her into a sense of calm and thankfulness she only had one baby to take care of, and none which she had to co-manage an office with.

He soon sensed it working, the tenseness of her grip loosening until he turned to take a peek and realized that the motion of a moving vehicle had a calming and sleep-inducing effect on new mothers as well as their new babies.

He left her to sleep the rest of the way only waking her with a whispered, “Beesly, we’re here,” after five minutes with the car in park at the restaurant's lot.

She awoke with a start but after a glance back to the empty car seat, she remembered where they had been headed, turning back to the glistening lake to see a couple walking up towards the moonlit bridge that not so long ago they themselves strolled along after their meal.

And now they were parents with an infant daughter at home, who was hopefully sleeping peacefully while Grandma folded the piles of laundry Pam still couldn’t keep up with.

Just the thought she might not be had Pam growing anxious as they walked across the lot to the doors of the eatery.

Beth appeared tableside within moments of them taking their seats, just as Pam announced to Jim she would never make it through the meal and they should order their dinner to go.

The sweet scent of the hyacinths, the floral centerpiece at their table this particular evening hovered in the air along with her words.

Jim knew, though it was hidden under the white cloth that draped around them, about the vigorous dance her right leg was doing, furious shuddering and making him think of a cocktail shaker blending the drink he would skip tonight in solidarity with his nursing wife.

“Well, look who’s here. Pam, how is it you gave birth a month ago? You look just like you did the first time you came in with this handsome fella. How’s that new baby of yours? Cecilia is such a beautiful name.”

Pam pushed through her worry to paste an artificial smile on her face and when she opened her mouth to talk, the words spilled out of her much like the explosive poop that blew out from the boundaries of Cece’s size three diaper just the other day.

“Oh, she’s wonderful. We call her Cece and we are over the moon in love with her. She’s the most adorable baby, when she’s not crying. Which thankfully is getting to be more and more. We had a hard time at first, with nursing and getting her to self-soothe and all but she’s finally getting to the point where she doesn’t have a meltdown every day. But her smile is the most magical thing. I mean she smiles up at me and I forget that she just spent an hour howling for no reason. But wow is she a lot of work. I had no idea. She loves being held. Like all the time. My mom’s watching her now.”

It was the anxiety, he knew, that had his wife so Kelly-like in her loquaciousness but still was somewhat surprised at her sudden verbal diarrhea.  

“This is Pam’s first time away from her,” Jim offered up when Pam took a breath.

Beth expressed her understanding with a hidden wink to him.

“And you, dad? How’s it feel?”

“Yeah, what she said. Especially how over the moon we are. She is amazing.”

“I take it you brought some pictures.”

Pam pulled an envelope the size of a paperback from out of her purse and passed them to Beth.

Pam had stopped her excessive chatter but with nerves no less on edge, she busied herself playing with the shakers that flanked the small floral bouquet while their server and friend got her first peek of the new love of their life.

“She has your eyes,” Beth commented towards Jim as she went through the stack of photos she was handed.

“And that nose and mouth is clearly from her mother.”

“Thank God for that,” Jim remarked back as she shuffled through the rest.

“She’s just ahhh…. Truly. You two made one beautiful baby.”

Beth handed back the photos thus ending the salt and pepper dance but not Pam’s unease at being away from her child.

“Oh, and thank you for the pajamas. She’s wearing them tonight. But the dinner you sent us was probably the best gift we received. We made it last three nights and it was delicious every one of them and a nice break from scarfing down cereal or my mother’s meatloaf those first few nights home.  Speaking of which, I’m not sure we can stay tonight. I’m just too nervous. Do you think you can make our order to go?”

Glancing over to Jim before she answered, Beth caught the plead in his eyes to help him convince her to have their dinner right where they were.

“Nonsense. You’re here. I’m sure Cece is fine with Grandma. And as much as you love and adore her, all new babies are a handful and it sounds like a night away from her with your husband is just the thing you need.”

Pam opened her mouth to protest but Beth cut her off before she could get a word in.

“You deserve a break, and you’ll have to learn to leave her sometime. Why not start by enjoying tonight? Let me bring you your favorite Mixed Berry Smash so you can relax a little.”

“Oh, no I can’t have a drink. I’m nursing.”

“But you’re pumping right? You left Grandma with a bottle for her for while you were gone?”

“Yes, but I’m planning to nurse her again when we get home.”

“That’s fine, but you can just do a pump and dump when you first get home.”

In stereo, the new parents repeated the phrase with an emphasized question mark punctuating the tone of their parroting.

“You don’t know about pumping and dumping? Lady, you need to know this. A glass of wine or drink every now and then is a crucial survival tool for new moms. And it’s basically what you think it is, you have a drink, wait at least 20 minutes, pump and then dump it into the sink.”

Pam initially gasped at the thought of discarding even a drop of the liquid gold elixir that was Cece’s only source of nutrition, but once she got thinking of her favorite Christopher’s cocktail, how delightful it tasted and the powers it had to settle her mind, and after taking a mental inventory of the frozen, milk-filled bags crowding the freezer, she decided it would be okay this one time.

As always, Beth had great advice.

In the end, with a little help from the drink but more from the night out, Pam took her first step back to feeling like the person she was before becoming a mother. Though the transition from who she was before, to the parent she would forevermore be, was still a work in progress and while she’d have many days in which she would struggle to find that balance, it was that first night being just herself for a few hours and sharing that time with Jim that set her on the course to figuring out just what that was for her.

They arrived home that night to find Cece did have one of her crying fits while they were gone, but Helene handled it exactly how they would have and she was finally sleeping soundly, enough so that after Pam pumped and dumped, they were able to engage in another activity that also reminded her of the woman and wife she still was.