When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are gonna be right about that.

She believed it. She believed it until Jim agreed to work with Athlead without telling her. She believed it until she suddenly felt like she had to hide her struggles from him. She believed it until he told her that he was going to miss Cece’s recital. She believed it until they fought over the phone.

Now she didn’t know what to believe. Now she didn’t know who he, who they, were anymore.

He was only two hours away, but even when he was lying next to her in bed, he still felt so far gone. She loves him. She loves him with every fiber of her being. Loves him more than she had ever loved anyone before. But loving him doesn’t take away the pain she feels when she puts Cece to bed and she asks why Daddy isn’t home or fill the silence that surrounds her when she eats dinner alone. But what hurts the most is that, suddenly, loving him isn’t enough for her to be happy.

She hates that recently she’s been feeling the same way she did towards the end of her and Roy’s relationship. She had left Roy for a lot of reasons. She didn’t feel listened to, she felt like she was constantly on the back burner, he made decisions without her, he didn’t spend enough time with her. She had left Roy because someone else came into her life and showed her that she deserved much more than all of that.

And Jim did give her all of that and more for so long. And she knows that his heart is in the right place. She knows that he’s trying to provide for their family, trying to follow his dream and be more than just a paper salesman. And she is so proud of him for finally putting himself out there, for finding something she knows he truly loves. But she also knows that by doing all of that, she hasn’t been listened to, she’s been put on the back burner, she’s not being included in decisions, and he’s not home enough. Suddenly she’s back to being a frizzy-haired receptionist who is just doing what she thinks she should be doing, even if her heart isn’t in it anymore.

Which sucks, if she’s honest with herself. She has worked so hard on being braver, more confident, less of a pushover. She has gotten pretty good at calling people out and standing up for herself. She knows she’s not the same girl that let Roy get away with too much crap and didn’t say anything so she wouldn’t rock the boat, but she also knows that she’s slowly going back in that direction with every day that Jim is gone, and she doesn’t do anything about it.

She wants to get back to the Pam that broke up with Roy. The one that made speeches on the beach because she needed Jim to know how she felt. Who came home from Pratt early because she wanted to and quit her job on a whim to join Michael’s paper company. She refuses to allow herself to go back to anything before that.

Her thoughts are interrupted by Cece’s “Mommy!” and Phillip’s crying as her mother brings them into the house. Pam kisses the top of Cece’s head, still clad with ladybug antennas pig tails, and turns to help her mom with Phil.

“Bad day?”

Pam shrugs, “Not a good one.”

“There will be other recitals, sweetie.” 

“Maybe. But will there be other kindergarten graduations? Or tournament games… or proms or weddings or—”

Helene puts a hand on Pam’s elbow, “Woah, woah, woah. Pammy, what is going on?”

Pam glances over at Cece who has moved to the living room to play with her toys, “He promised he would be there, mom. He said that work wouldn’t interfere with family. And maybe if he had shown up, then it wouldn’t have mattered if I screwed up the recording because he would have seen it himself. And then we wouldn’t have fought, and he would be home right now, and we could celebrate me getting the mural—”

“You got it?”

Pam sighs, “Yeah.”

“Congratulations, that’s amazing.”

Her mom is beaming which makes Pam smile a little, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m really excited about it. I just,” she pauses, adjusting Phil on her hip, “I wish Jim was too.”

“He’s not?”

“Well, he doesn’t know. I was going to tell him but then we got into a fight about the recording, and he had to go to a meeting. I’m sure he will be excited once I tell him, though.”

“You know he will be, he’s talked about this more than you have.”

“I know.”

“And this will all blow over, it’s just a rough patch.”

Her chuckle is void of any humor, “That’s what you said about Dad right before you two got divorced.”

“Pam.” Helene waits for Pam to look at her, “What is going on?”

She bites her lip, trying to keep her emotions in check. After a moment she admits, “I just want him back, Mom.”

“Then tell him that.”

“I’ve tried! I told him I didn’t want him to do Athlead right now, but he did it anyway. I told him that I don’t like that he has to go to Philly, but he goes anyway. He wants us to move there and I don’t want to, but am I going to have to just pack up and go anyway? Why can’t this, why can’t I, be good enough for him anymore?”

Helene pauses, both of them watching Cece build towers with blocks only to knock them over. After the third tower she finally says, “Well, I guess you have some decisions to make.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve seen you like this before, with Roy. You weren’t happy then and it sounds like you’re not happy now. You got the courage to leave Roy, you can get the courage to get what you want again.”

“You think I should leave Jim?”

“No, I’m not saying leave him. Just, maybe, take a break.”

Pam watches the colored blocks go up again before tumbling back down. “Okay,” she nods, “I’ll think about it.”

***

The kids are fed, bathed, and in bed by the time Pam hears Jim coming into the house. Even from their bedroom, she can tell he’s still a little frustrated by the way his shoes get kicked off and his bag hits the floor. She slowly walks out, her heart and thoughts racing more and more with every step she takes.

After her mom left, she couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said. She loves Jim, loves their life together, but her mom is right. She’s not happy right now. She’s not happy that he’s in Philly more than he’s at home or that he’s breaking promises he swore he’d keep. She loves him, but she doesn’t love who he’s becoming.

He’s at the fridge when she first sees him. His blazer is off, tie loosened, sleeves rolled up, and she usually loves when he comes home like this. It reminds her of secret dates before anyone knew they were together, of driving home from work and talking about how they can get out of going back the next day, of nights where the loosened tie and rolled up sleeves would end up crumpled on the floor, completely forgotten until Monday morning. But now she watches him grab some old leftover spaghetti and is struck with the reminder that none of those things have happened in… well, she can’t remember the last time.

He startles a little when he spots her in the doorway, having not heard her come out. His smile is small and almost forced and she hates it. She almost wishes he wouldn’t smile at all, instead of fake pleasantries as if they were just acquaintances and not husband and wife.

“Hey.”

She watches him stick the Tupperware into the microwave, waiting until he presses start and the microwave starts whirring before she says, “I thought you weren’t coming home tonight.”

“I wasn’t going to, but…” His voice trails off, as if he’s not even sure why he decided to drive back to Scranton.

 She chews on her bottom lip as she leans against the kitchen wall. He hasn’t looked at her since he first spotted her, and she wonders why he came home if they’re just going to walk on eggshells like this. She lets the silence suffocate her for a moment longer before finally breaking it. “Cece will be excited to see you in the morning. She was asking when you’d be home.”

“I don’t need the guilt trip, Pam.”

Her eyebrows furrow, “What?”

“I know I wasn’t there today; you don’t have to remind me. Again.”

“I wasn’t trying to guilt trip you.”

“Really?” The microwave beeping interrupts him, and he opens the door to stop the noise but doesn’t touch the food. “Because I think I know that Cece wanted me there today, I don’t need the reminder. And I’m sorry, and I’ll tell her that I’m sorry, but I can’t help it if I need to work late sometimes.”

“And I can’t help if your daughter wants to know when she’ll see you again.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it? You didn’t even call to say goodnight.”

“Wade was on me about some new clients, I couldn’t get away to breathe, let alone call.”

“I thought family was always going to come first.”

“It is.”

She scoffs a little, “Yeah? Then why weren’t you at her recital? Why didn’t we keep fighting earlier instead of you leaving for another meeting? Why didn’t you tell Wade that Cece deserves to hear her father say goodnight to her, even if it’s just over the phone? Why aren’t you home more than you’re in Philly?”

His hands run through his hair, one rubs the back of his neck, she knows he’s getting upset. “Maybe I should have just stayed in Philly tonight.”

“I’ve seen you like this before, with Roy. You weren’t happy then and it sounds like you’re not happy now. You got the courage to leave Roy, you can get the courage to get what you want again.”

“You think I should leave Jim?”

“No, I’m not saying leave him. Just, maybe, take a break.”

“Maybe you should go back.”

He looks at her for the first time in the last few minutes, “What?”

She tries to swallow around the lump in her throat, “I think we need a break.”

He shakes his head, looks at her as if she’s insane, “What?”

“I almost married Roy because I allowed myself to settle with things I wasn’t happy with—”

“So now I’m Roy? You’re not happy?”

She sighs, “No, no. I’m not saying that. But I think we need… time. To figure out what we want.”

“I want you. I want this.”

“But I don’t want this. I’m exhausted, Jim. From taking care of the kids, working full time, trying to make sure you don’t get too stressed, I’m tired. I love you, but I don’t want to go back to how I was when you met me. I don’t want to be okay with things I shouldn’t be okay with.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

Her laugh is sad, “I did. I told you I didn’t want you to do the Philly job right now. I told you this was going to be hard. You didn’t listen.”

“Pam—”

“I think you should go back to Philly.”

He pauses, she can see his apprehension to ask his next question. “For how long?”

She shakes her head a little, “I don’t know.”

The suffocating silence is back. It surrounds her like a fog, the only thing visible is Jim and his tear-stained cheeks. She’s sure she’s crying too, but she’s not sure when she started. Her eyes sting, her chest is so heavy, her limbs feel weak, but she doesn’t do anything except stand there. Finally, Jim nods and walks forward. She closes her eyes when she thinks he’s going to try to touch her shoulder, hug her, or something that she knows will break her and change her mind. But then he’s walking around her, and she can hear him putting his shoes back on.

She waits until she hears his bag being picked back up before turning around to face him. He’s looking at her, his eyes full of confusion and hurt and fear of the unknown and she has to look away because it’s too much.

“I’m sorry, Pam.”

“Me too.”

She’s not sure if the next sound she hears is the door latching behind him or her heart splitting.