She sits on Jim's couch, hugging one leg to her chest and resting her chin on her knee. Her phone is sitting on the coffee table in front of her and she can't seem to do anything but stare at it and will the pit in her stomach to go away. She gets lost in her thoughts as all the words that had been sent and said to her move across her brain in a constant loop.
”How could you do that to him after all these years?”
“Pretty shitty of you to dump him at Kendall’s party, don’t you think?”
“He’s done nothing but love and provide for you and you repay him by giving him back the ring with no warning, just weeks before you’re supposed to get married. Funny. I always thought you’d make such a lovely bride but now I realized you’re just too f--”
Pam startles out of her trance as Jim walks into the room with a white paper bag in his hand, a worried look on his face as he catches her eye and picks up on her body language.
"Hey," he says quietly, lifting the bag. "I got bagels."
She offers a half smile, slowly emerging out of her mental spiral.
"Blueberry?"
"With strawberry cream cheese," he smiles, walking toward her. "Got double because we all know one isn't enough for an entire bagel."
He sits down next to her on the couch and opens the bag, taking out the bagels and containers of cream cheese and setting them on the coffee table. They sit quietly as they eat, but Pam can only eat about half the bagel before setting it down. Her stomach is already occupied with a tangling of anxiety and worry to make any room for breakfast.
Jim notices and slides his hand across her back, grasping her shoulder and pulling her closer to him. She rests her head on his shoulder and sighs heavily.
"I just hate knowing people are upset with me," she whispers.
Jim turns his head and presses his lips to her hair. "I know," he acknowledges. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She sits up, taking another deep intake of breath. She trusts Jim. She knows she could tell him anything. But it feels odd to start talking about Roy and his family and what she had done, when Jim is the root of the reason she had done it. And in addition to that, she can't seem to untangle her emotions.
She feels a deep guilt, but no doubt.
She feels secure, but somehow still so small.
There was remorse for how she had done things but no regret for actually doing it.
"I probably could have handled everything better."
"With Roy?" Jim asks. "Or with...us?" The last word is careful.
"With Roy. Could have picked a better time to end things."
Jim’s brow furrow. “Pam, I hope I didn’t push you to do anything too soon. I didn’t mean--”
She shakes her head quickly. “No, no. I wanted to. And at the party I suddenly felt suffocated and the only thing I could think of was just getting out. Of the party, the engagement, all of it.” Her mind flashes back to a few months prior, to one of the few arguments she had ever really had with Jim. She looks at him and cracks a sad smile. “I took a chance on something for once.”
He lets out a small laugh and strokes circles on her back. “You’re evolving.”
They are comfortably quiet for several minutes, her head on his shoulder, when the buzz of her phone on the coffee table shatters the silence. Immediately her stomach bottoms out, knowing it’s probably another question, or accusation, or insult, or...Roy. Before she can reach for it, Jim leans forward and takes it, pocketing it in his jeans.
“How about we just take a walk or something? Or watch a movie? Go to the mall?”
“...Go to the mall?” she chuckles.
“I don’t know. My social life is lacking these days, I don’t know what people do.”
“But surely you’ve had a social life sometime between when you were apparently a 14-year-old girl going to the mall and now,” she jokes.
“Hey, the mall has good pretzels.”
She’s grateful he can do this, that he has always done this. He knows when she needs to forget. When she needs to laugh. He somehow always knows how to part the looming grey clouds and let a little sunshine peek through.
"A walk would be nice," she says with a small smile.
Pam gets her shoes on as Jim cleans up the bagels and they head out the front door together. The late morning air is beginning to warm up and she can hear birds chirping and distant lawn mowers whirring. She admires the flowers that had begun to bloom in the yards they passed and she lets herself take a deep, cleansing breath. Spring. New beginnings.
They turn the corner and she feels Jim’s knuckles brush against hers. Besides some comforting forehead kisses and rubbing her back, he hadn’t shown much affection since last night. When she had woken up that morning, he had already left, dropping a note on the pillow next to her explaining that he’d be back with food. Their night together had been, in short, amazing. There was no awkwardness, just an overwhelming sense of belonging and trust. Not to mention the fact that Jim really knew what he was doing.
But this morning, things had seemed to slow down. It wasn’t really awkward, but Pam can tell that they’re still trying to figure out how to go from just coworkers and friends to…whatever this was...overnight, despite what had already happened.
She decides to lean into the wave of butterflies his touch sent through her as she slowly weaves her fingers through his. He gives her hand a tight squeeze and through the corner of her eye, she can see the failed attempt at hiding his smile. Pam playfully nudges him with her shoulder, knocking him slightly off balance. As he stumbles, he pulls her toward him, wrapping her up in his arms. She giggles, burying her face in his chest, then settling comfortably into his embrace. Jim rests his chin on top of her head, pulling her closer.
“How you doing, Beesly?” he asks softly.
She looks up at him, still holding him tightly. Her smile fades into something more serious, looking into Jim’s face, actively being mended by the look in his eyes.
“I’m perfect,” she whispers.
Jim tucks her hair behind her ear and strokes her cheek with his thumb. “Well, I’ve known that for a while,” he smiles.
Leaning down, he presses his lips against hers and to her, it’s like coming home. She snakes her hands up his chest and pushes them into his hair as his own slide down to her waist. She hadn’t realized how badly she had missed the feel of his lips since they last left hers roughly 8 hours ago. Jim’s mouth parts slightly, as if to ask permission and she grants it by brushing her tongue against his. He instinctively pulls her closer and deepens the kiss and she could stay there forever, with him, wrapped up in everything he had to offer. Security, love, fierce loyalty. Cocooned in his gentle nature, knowing she never had to question how he felt about her.
That is, until a car horn blares in their ears, breaking them apart.
It startles her back to her current reality, and instantly she thinks it must be someone she knows. Maybe someone in Roy's family. Maybe Roy himself. Honking, because here she is, a day after calling off her engagement, kissing someone else in broad daylight like it had never happened. She clams up and pulls back, bringing her fingers to her lips in time to hear a teenage voice yelling out the car window.
"Get a room!!"
Jim rolls his eyes with a chuckle. "Teenagers…"
But Pam couldn't shake the panic from her chest. What if it had been Roy driving by? Or his mom, or cousin, or a mutual friend?
"Are you okay?" Jim asks, clocking the concern on her face.
She forces a smile. "Yeah. Um...can we head back now?"
Jim's brow furrows, but he nods his head and turns slowly in the direction of his apartment. She sees his dangling hand and folds her arms tightly across her chest as they head back.
The walk is short and quiet, despite the constant commotion in Pam’s brain. How could she want something so badly, have it feel so aligned, but at the same time feel like she was doing something wrong? Jim holds the door open for her and her heart falls as she passes him because she can sense his concern and confusion. She is furious with herself that she can’t just allow herself to be happy. Happiness has been at her fingertips, quite literally, and for some reason she can’t just let it happen.
Jim follows in behind her and runs his hand through his hair, then he reaches into his pocket and retrieves her phone. He holds it out to her.
“I’m going to run upstairs and shower, but...here’s this.”
She puts her hand on the phone and she can feel his eyes on her, probably wishing she’d open back up and let him sit next to her on this proverbial roller coaster she’s been on.
“Thanks,” she whispers, barely making eye contact.
Jim’s eyes lay on her for another few seconds before he heads up the stairs to shower and Pam collapses on the couch, pulling a knee tightly to her chest as she flips her phone open.
One New Message: Patsy Anderson
Her heart sinks. She had heard nothing from Roy’s mom since she left the party so abruptly and she knew whatever that message said, it wouldn’t be any form of comfort. With a shaky thumb, she clicks “Open” and reads the message.
I just had to bail Roy out for a DUI. Hope you’re happy with yourself.
Pam stares at the words on the screen, darting over each one with her eyes. She knows Patsy well and this kind of thing doesn’t necessarily surprise her. But still, she doesn’t expect the guilt she feels from it. The doubt that was planted from the honk of that car horn earlier grows as she questions what she’s doing. She feels sorry for causing Roy pain. He could be an ass, but she still didn’t like knowing he was hurting and that it was because of her choices.
It all becomes too much. She finally succumbs to the weight of everything, to the confusion and the confliction, and heads upstairs to quickly gather her things. She enters Jim’s bedroom and sees the bed still unkempt and feels the tears spring to her eyes. So badly she wishes she could just crawl under the covers again and wait for Jim to come out. For him to wrap her up and tell her it would be okay. But now she just needs to be somewhere else, as much as that hurts. She haphazardly throws her clothes and toiletries in the small duffel bag and zips it up, wiping a stray tear with her sleeve, when she hears the water turn off in the bathroom. She sniffles quickly and brings her bag down the stairs, dialing a cab service as she does.
A few minutes later, Jim comes down the staircase, hair wet and a freshly shaven face. He smiles when he sees her, but it falters as he sees her red eyes and the bag at her feet.
Pam clears her throat. “I...I need to go, I think.”
“Are you…”
“I just...it’s a lot,” she cuts him off. “And I don’t regret anything, but...I’m hurting people no matter what I do and...I just think I should probably go for a little bit.”
Jim comes down the rest of the stairs and closes the gap between them. He raises a hand as if he’s going to place it on her arm, but seems to change his mind and places it on his hip.
“I’m sorry if I…” he starts. “Did I do something?”
She feels the hot tears well up again. “No, it’s not you. I just...all these messages...these people. I can’t talk to my parents yet because they’re on a cruise. My sister is in New York for the weekend and she probably wouldn’t get it anyway. I don’t know, Jim. I…” she stops, trying desperately to keep herself from completely breaking down.
Jim’s face falls and he looks like he’s on the verge of tears as well. “Where...where are you going to go? Can I leave and you stay here? I can have Mark stay away longer so you can have the place to yourself.”
She shakes her head. “No, I couldn’t do that. I will just go to that motel near the office for a couple nights. I think I can swing that. Then I guess I need to go back to my apartment anyway. Sort things out,” she shrugs.
Jim sighs and stares at his feet. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” he asks so quietly she almost doesn’t hear it.
Pam steps toward him and wraps her arms around his neck. Honestly, she doesn’t know if she’ll be okay so she stays silent as she feels his arms around her. She hears the cab honk outside.
“Thank you, Jim.”
She pulls away and grabs her bag before rushing out the door, unable to bear looking at him before she leaves.
------------
The cab pulls into the motel and Pam sighs as she gets out, wondering how everything ended up so differently than she thought it would. She pays the driver, then walks into the lobby.
“Can I help you?” the woman at the desk asks.
“Yes, I’d like to book two nights. Just me.”
The woman begins typing on the computer and Pam checks to see how much cash she has in her wallet. “Actually,” she amends. “Let’s just do one night.”
“No problem. And the name?”
“Beesly.”
The woman stops and looks at her. “Are you Pam?”
Pam scrunches her eyebrows. “...yes? Do I…”
“No, but someone has already called and booked you three nights. A Mr…J. Halpert.”
Her heart leaps out of her chest upon hearing his name and she finds it difficult to respond. “Oh…”
The lady smiles and hands her a room key. “Room 104.”
Pam can only muster a nod and a small “Thank you” before heading to her room, unable to believe what just happened.
She spends the next few hours laying on the bed watching Cheers reruns without really watching at all. She replays the last 24 hours over and over in her head, trying desperately to figure out what she wants and contemplating why it was so much easier for her to leave a 10-year relationship than it was to leave Jim’s house hours earlier. Suddenly she hears a soft knock on her door. She sits up and fixes her hair, then checks the peephole in the door.
Her stomach jumps as she sees who is standing on the other side, his hair a perfect mess from most likely running his hands through it several times. She slowly undoes the bolt and opens the door.
“Jim.”
He lets out a breath he seems to have been holding and lifts up a plastic bag. “I thought you might be hungry.”
Pam takes the bag and places it on the small table by the door. She can’t deny the flood of relief she feels seeing him standing there and how much she wants him to stay. But before she can ask him to come in, he starts nervously speaking.
“Listen, Pam. I...we don’t have to do anything. Be anything. I have been your friend for years and I can’t bear that ever changing. I just know you’re hurting. You’re so worried about hurting everyone else, but what about you? You don’t have anyone in your corner right now and I can’t stand knowing that.” His voice begins to quiver. “So let me be here for you. If anything, as just a friend you can talk to and lean on. Let me be in your corner.”
Despite all she has felt that day, the confusion, the heartbreak, the guilt...she smiles. She looks at Jim and sees the last several years reflected in his eyes. She sees all the times he stood up for her, the times he made her laugh. She sees inside jokes, jelly beans, and the undivided attention he has always given her. She craved it. She craves him. And somehow, this decision and situation that had seemed so impossible, was suddenly the easiest decision in the world. She would choose him. Every time. And while she knows it will be hard and there would be so much to navigate, she knows she wants him by her side through it all.
She reaches her hand out and grabs his, running her thumb over his knuckles.
“I don’t want to just be friends.”
The relief is evident as he quickly brings his gaze from their hands to her face. She pulls him by the hand toward her and plants a soft kiss on his lips. He brings his hand up to cup her face, then pulls back, looking her in the eyes. She bites her bottom lip and tugs him by the hand into the room.
Jim looks at her sideways, a smirk on his face. “You sure?”
She kisses him again as she walks backward into the room. “Well,” she whispers against his lips. “Technically, this is your room.”
He exaggerates a face as if thinking it over, then shuts the door behind him.
“Well, I can’t argue there.”
She grins and pulls him even further into her corner, promising to let him stay as long as he’d like.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This was supposed to be updated much sooner than this but you know, life. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter End Notes:
I have a short epilogue planned to wrap this all up. Thanks so much to everyone who reads and reviews. I feel so lucky to be among such lovely people in this community!! My heart soars with the eagle's nest.
