She woke up to an empty bed again.
When he first started working early mornings he would leave her notes. Messages taped to the mirror or fridge, reminding her that he loved her, and would try to be home early. Those days were long gone, replaced with “I'm sorry, I'll be home around midnight, don't wait up” texts sent hastily between meetings and bouquets of flowers with apology notes taped to them. She never thought her relationship with him would get to this point, but here she was. Too used to it to feel heartbroken anymore, numb to the feeling of missing him.
The kids were up early that morning, all three of them knocking on her door while she was getting dressed, demanding breakfast. When she finally answered the door, her three pajama clad kids all started rattling off orders, acting as if they didn't get cereal, toast, orange juice and pancakes, they would die.
So, she made her way into the kitchen. Making Phillip and Eloise their toast, (she was too tired to give into Eloise's request for blueberry pancakes), and pouring Cece her cereal and juice. She also cut up some fruit and made some eggs for herself. Deciding that it was best to eat before Karen woke up, wanting to be at her best for the incredibly judgemental woman.
Julia came wandering in a few minutes later, still in her pajamas. Pam helped her fix a plate, making sure that she had everything that she needed. Her deep need to care for Juila always surprised her, the mothering instinct not any less strong for her step daughter.
“What are we going to do today, Mom?” Phillip asked through a mouth full of food.
“Well,” Pam told him, “I thought that we could go into the city and do some sightseeing. Maybe go to a few museums, get something to eat. How does that sound to you Julia?”
Julia simply beamed at her, telling her everything that she needed to know about their plans for the day.
“Alright then, once Karen's up and ready we'll get going!”
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Karen was still doing her whole “silent treatment” thing when they all piled into the car. Pam tried to ignore it by turning up the radio and chatting with the kids, but it was hard when she was in the passenger seat, refusing to interact at all.
They arrived around lunchtime so their first stop was at one of the Halpert's favorite cafes. The staff knew the kids pretty well at this point, a fact that Pam blamed on Eloise's need to talk the ear off everyone she came into contact with. She swears that the kid could give a TED talk if she wanted.
Cece wanted to order for everyone, showing off her ability to properly pronounce all the foods in French to Julia and Karen. It was so sweet, she just wishes that Jim was there to share the moment with her. Their kids are something special, and he’s been gone so much lately that he's been missing out on all the little things, the things that they value most
Julia was sitting across from her, enjoying her food with a smile. She was glowing, basking in the joy of spending time with her siblings. It's magic when they're all together. Karen, on the other hand, was staring off into space, hardly touching her food. She was debating whether or not to try and talk with her, but frankly, she wanted to save her energy for the task of taking four kids and one mad ex-wife through the streets of Paris.
After the cafe they began what Phillip called “their grand adventure!”, (they watched the Hobbit a few months ago and he hasn't stopped calling every little thing an “adventure” since then).
First they went to a little gallery that Pam had a piece up in. It was exciting for the kids to show off that their mom is “a big deal!” to Julia and Karen, even if the gallery was a tiny one, and she was in the back, almost completely hidden from view. The kids didn't seem to notice that dinginess of the venue though, pointing to the watercolor of their little house with pride.
Karen wanted to do some shopping after that, meaning that they wound up wandering from shop to shop, the kids begging for anything and everything they could get their hands on. In the end Karen wound up with some candles, a few postcards, and a new blouse. The kids on the other hand left with a new toy each, bought out of desperation for them to just be quiet.
The final stop of their adventure was to get ice cream. Each kid got back in the car with sticky fingers and a sizable sugar high. It was the cherry on-top for the kids' perfect summer day, even if it felt like the nail in the coffin to her. Karen had been on her since the morning, refusing to let her make a single slip up without some judgemental glance or snide comment. She was tired.
She started dinner as soon as they got in the door, telling the kids to go watch a movie.
“They’re seeing Julia for the first time in months and you're letting them go watch TV” Karen said with a scoff as she walked into the kitchen, in search of a glass of water.
It would be a rude comment on any day, but normally she has the ability to let it roll off her back. But she was tired, and already dealing with a million other things, that it just pushed her over the edge, and she lost control.
“What's your problem with me!” Pam exclaimed, turning away from the vegetables she was chopping to look at Karen.
Karen just stared at her blankly, before finding her words.
“What's my problem with you? God, Pam, maybe it's that you're married to my ex husband!”
“Karen, it's been YEARS! I thought we had moved past this,”
“I wish I could, Pam. But it's not as easy as you think it is.”
“I know, but…”
“No, you don't know! You don't know what this is like for me!”
Pam looked at her, her cheeks burning with rage, completely unsure of what to do next.
“You know what, I dont think I'm hungry anymore. I'm going to bed.”
As she watched Karen make her way out of the kitchen and into the living room, Pam felt herself break. She just wished that Jim was with her, to put her back together, because the kids came running in not seconds later. Asking her if they could watch TV on her laptop in one of their rooms. She was holding back tears as she told them yes, forcing herself to put up a front for them. The last thing she wanted to do was spoil they’re fun.
She tried her best to keep it together as she cooked dinner, only allowing a few tears to fall. All she could think about is how she is to Karen, the living embodiment of the life she never had. She felt a familiar guilt, the guilt that had been with her since her and Jim first started seeing each other. Lies that she once told herself coming back to her full force.
“I broke up a family, I ruined Karen's life, I am the problem,” repeating over and over in her head. Demons she couldn't ever seem to defeat, slowly chipping away at her.
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After the kids were all in bed and dinner was cleaned up, Pam called Jim. She just needed to hear his voice, for him to tell her that it would be okay. She listened to the phone ring, and ring, and ring. Finally, right when the call was about to go voicemail, he picked up.
“Hey, I really can't talk right now, love you.” he said, hanging up the phone before she even had a chance to get the words out.
She suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe. The weight of everything crushing her. It’s too much for her to carry, the pain of the day. Yet there is nowhere for it to go, so she just has to live with it. To swallow her pride and move forward.
She wasn't sure when she fell asleep, but she did know that when she woke up to use the bathroom, she was on his side of the bed, his pillow soaked with tears.
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Karen's POV
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She was woken up by the sound of one of their kids running down the hall to the kitchen. It's one of the many reasons she hates waking up at their house, among other things.
In the beginning, when she was still finding herself in the rubble of their relationship, watching Jim and Pam flourish was too much. But over the years she learned how to tolerate it, how to survive the time that she spends with Julia in Paris.
She knows that it's a bit much to stay for the first week, but a part of her needs to see that Julia will be okay, that she's not miserable with him. Even if she had been reassuring her for years, it still felt necessary.
“I won't go next year,” has become her mantra in a way, a promise she makes year after year, only to be broken when she books her ticket come summertime.
But maybe this time it will stick, because watching Jim and Pam hurts more and more with each passing year. She's the love of his life, and staying in the home they built together, surrounded by reminders that she was never his first choice, was eating her alive.
Their marriage had not been a successful one, but it was still some of the best years of her life. Before they began to fall apart, she was happy. In the months after it ended she would curse herself for ever getting caught up in it, for letting her love for him overshadow his obvious issues. He never truly loved her, and every day she wishes she saw it sooner.
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Seeing Pam's work in that gallery, her dream realized, felt like a cruel form of punishment.
She had once had a dream too, of becoming a singer, but had given it up after highschool. Opting instead to go to college for business, and to start her career. She viewed it as a necessary sacrifice, the smart choice that would allow her to have a nice life. But sometimes, she still pines for the nights where she layed on her bed, writing lyrics for songs that no one but her would ever hear. Pam on the other hand, does not have to go into her past to find creative fulfillment, she's allowed to do it now.
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Her fight with Pam came not from a place of malice, but from a place of longing. She wanted to move on, to find love again, to find herself. Yet, she feels stuck. It’s as if time froze the day she left, leaving her stunted, unable to heal. If only she had the words to tell Pam that, to bridge the gap between them. Maybe it would give her the strength to be her own person again, become the woman she's always wanted to be.
