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Author's Chapter Notes:

I was in the middle of writing this chapter when on a run this song popped up and with endorphins raging and the chapter on my mind, this song took on a whole new meaning but WOW did it fit. The Greatest Show – the show, lets say that refers to the documentary being filmed and yeah, I know this song is really about the circus, but isn’t a circus an apt description of the Scranton office.  But when you hear the words, they take can a whole other meaning. See for yourself…

Ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for (whoa)
Been searching in the dark, your sweat soaking through the floor (whoa)
And buried in your bones there's an ache that you can't ignore
Taking your breath, stealing your mind
And all that was real is left behind

Don't fight it, it's coming for you, running at ya
It's only this moment, don't care what comes after
Your fever dream, can't you see it getting closer
Just surrender 'cause you feel the feeling taking over
It's fire, it's freedom, it's flooding open
It's a preacher in the pulpit and your blind devotion
There's something breaking at the brick of every wall it's holding
All that you know, so tell me do you wanna go?

It's everything you ever want
It's everything you ever need
And it's here right in front of you
This is where you wanna be 

Now of course I do like to take some liberties when it comes to the meanings of song lyrics - as this whole fic is based on one that might not make anyone else but me think of Pam and Jim, but isn't that the fun? 

 

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

He’d fallen asleep in the office and he knew why. The body needed sleep to revive itself, fight off disease and remain healthy.  The mind needed it to recharge and function properly. Without it, thinking clearly was hopeless and concentration, what was that?

Since it was becoming more and more difficult for him to find his way to the REM period during the customary time at night, his brain decided to shut down and reboot during the day. It wasn’t a particularly refreshing slumber, the soothing effects of his nap diluted by Michael Scott’s appearance in his dream. But it was the only rest he got because when went to bed at night sleep would not come.

On Tuesday night he maybe amounted three hours, and not all at once, (giving him a new empathy for what Hannah was always complaining about), which was still the most he’d gotten since he woke up at her place Saturday morning.

Friday night was the last time he slept soundly at all, the new bed and warm body next to him having more effect than the little pink pills that had none except to give him fever dreams that occurred without the slumber that was supposed to accompany them.

 

Friday night, November 3, 2006

He’d stopped things before they got too far, but not soon enough. Not before they were rolling around in her bed, their shirts somewhere on her bedroom floor. She was down to a lace bra and the bottom half of her pants suit. He was bare-chested.  With his eyes closed she could be anyone and he let the image of Pam’s smile be the thing he thought of as he kissed her and dug his fingers into her slender back and under the delicate, still clasped strap.

But when he opened his eyes again and saw her dark pupils and freckled nose he realized he had already let things go a step further than he wanted to. It was too soon. He’d only just a few hours earlier lost Pam for the second time and it wasn’t fair to Karen to jump into bed with her. Not when he wasn’t sure what he wanted to happen between them. He knew a one-night stand with a co-worker was never a good idea no matter how much he was in need of a diversion from his mounting troubles.

He quickly pumped the brakes, pulling away from her to catch confusion setting into her eyes. He didn’t want to lead her on but if he didn’t explain himself, their existing state of affairs would go sour fast. They still had to work together in the office and who knew for how much longer.

Whether he believed it or not, he knew he needed to give her something so she wouldn’t feel used and retreat back to the brusque demeanor she had with him when he first arrived. He knew he could do it, feign his interest, possibly even convince himself it could grow into something more. He’d done it with Katy and he may have been able to stick it out had it not been for the circumstances of the night when he finally gave up on pretending to want to.

So, he said just enough to put a glimmer of hope back on her face as he grabbed her hands and soothed her with words he wasn’t sure he meant, that he liked her, liked her a lot but wanted to take things slow.

With all they’d done already and the look on her face, he felt he couldn’t rush out of there either, so instead he slid back on the bed to recline against her headboard. He patted the spot on the bed next to him and she scooted up so he could put his arm around her. Jim said he wanted to get to know her better before anything more happened and so they talked, never putting back on the clothes they’d removed in the rush of their earlier passion, the awkwardness of grabbing them now just slightly more awkward than laying together half dressed.

He kept things light. He made no mention of his history with Pam. He told her nothing of what he was learning about Josh.  Nothing was said by him that was personal in any way. He mostly asked questions and let her talk about herself, where she went to school, her first job, how long she’d been working at Dunder Mifflin. They joked about Andy and complained about Hannah, who even made Karen uncomfortable when she whipped out her breasts and pumped in the open. As it got late, he knew he should go, but somehow laying there with her as she told him secrets about the rest of their officemates took his mind off things and calmed him to the point where sleep was finally able to descend on him.

Next think he knew, it was morning. Karen was asleep beside him but had changed to purple tee shirt with large Greek letters that peeked out from under the cover. He was still over the duvet, but she’d draped a sheet over his bare chest and his work pants.

As quietly as he could he tried to slip off the bed, but the movement he created as his weight shifted from the soft mattress woke her.

“Hey, don’t wake up. I’m going to head home. But I’ll give you a call later okay?”

“Mmhum,” she murmured and rolled back over.

He called her late Saturday but they barely spoke more than few minutes. She was headed out with some girlfriends and invited him to go. He declined and told her he’d see her Monday which he knew disappointed her, he could hear it in the crack of her voice when she replied.

Upon hanging up, a silence filled his apartment and his soul. The feeling made him weary and yet he was still unable to do anything but think, his mind racing with thoughts, mostly of her, but not the her he just hung up with.

It was back to his nights of unattainable sleep, the guilt over what he’d done with her just one more thing weighing on him.

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Three in the morning was never a good time to make a decision but Jim tried to anyway by drawing up one of his pro and con lists. It didn’t do much to ease his crisis of conscious but it did bring him to decide it was time to call David Wallace, time to share what he knew.

He wasn’t sure exactly what he would say. He knew he had to keep his source to himself. He couldn’t mention the recording. He couldn’t screw Matthew over like that. But David didn’t have to know he’d learned what he did from the documentary recordings. He could just say he’d overheard it, just as he caught the conversation when he was in early faxing Dwight. He’d have no proof but David would have to believe him. He’d have no reason not to. He just hoped David would react better than Jan had and not see Jim as the company traitor.

He flip-flopped a half dozen more times before morning, sometimes even for the briefest of moments wondering if he should be that guy and go over to Staples with Josh. But he quickly abandoned that idea. Legality aside, he was raised with ethics and a conscience. With his moral compass going haywire if he did, he might never sleep again.

Besides, there was one item on his list, one thing that whenever he looked down at the nearly illegible words he scrawled out in his stupor, that appeared to him as if backlight and typed across a marquee. Three letters that no matter what he tried to do to rid them from his vernacular, could not be erased from his mind or his heart.

PAM.

No matter how far away he would go, no matter who he tried to love in her place, no matter how much he tried to wipe her from his soul, she was always first in his thoughts and he couldn’t bear to know of her distress.

It was in part, why he left in the first place. Sure, it was self-preservation, to make the pain of her marrying another easier to bear but deep down he knew he left to free her too. He removed himself from her radius in order to spare her the angst of knowing how much she had hurt him. To keep her from having to see his pain every day as the fateful date neared. To save her the guilt that could wrack her sleep and contaminate her dreams as his were now.

Things hadn’t turned out as planned. She hadn’t gotten married but by not doing so, and whether or not his ill-timed declaration played its part, it left her in a much tougher spot now that she was on the verge of being unemployed while in debt from a wedding that didn’t happen and with a ton of new expenses—the going rate of freedom, was not cheap.

For Jim, the bottom line was he had information that could possibly save her job and whatever the result could be for him, he would do whatever was in his power to be her hero, even if she may never know it.

He made the call from the car, while parked in the lot outside the office.  When David’s assistant answered he insisted it was urgent that he speak to him, preferably in person.  Talking with Jan over the phone didn’t go well. If this were to go any better an in-person meeting was required. 

Stephanie told him he was unavailable, not taking any meetings this week. She would see if he was free to meet Jim sometime next week.

But next week, Jim knew, would be too late.

He sat immobilized, all but his head which crashed against the steering wheel. When seconds later he regained his motor skills, the only movement was his fist juddering into his lap harder and harder until his thigh was numb. He was about to head into the office, plead with Matthew to anonymously email David the audio when the phone he’d thrown into the passenger seat started twitching, the vibration that preceded the audible ring tone rattling the whole front seat.

It was Stephanie calling back to ask Jim how soon he could be at the New York office to meet with David.

Jim was already in reverse before he audibly answered her and an hour later, he was sitting in reception at the Dunder Mifflin corporate office. 

Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace.”

The voice was an octave higher, but had the same sing-song quality. The last time heard the melodic lyrics, the song of the receptionist, was three weeks ago when his heart nearly stopped as her voice flooded his ears and the wave of love he had for her rushed back to the forefront from where he had tried to bury it.  

The ocean he tried for months to put between them had ebbed once again ever since that call. The moat of water meant to protect him was now reduced to a puddle, not enough to keep her from his daily thoughts.  Hell, it seemed there was something to remind him of her in every moment. The familiar greeting that just rang in his ears being just another thing to make him think of her.

He looked up at Grace with wide eyes and pursed lips and half expected he would see Pam behind the circular desk, and for a second he did.

And it made him even more certain in that moment. As much as he knew every thought of her pulled him back under, he also knew he was doing the right thing. Even if they weren’t destined to be together, even if he would drown again back at the Scranton office as she dated Danny or men like him, he knew he had to convince David to keep Scranton open.

The next time he looked up it was to see David coming out to greet him and bring him back.

“Jim, good to see you again. Thanks for coming in so fast.”

He seemed tense.  Not at all like the first time Jim met him when Jan introduced him after they discussed his transfer. That David seemed much more laid back and relaxed. Now, even his walk was robotic and stiff as they traveled back to his office.

“Come on in.  Let’s talk.”

David shut the door behind him and retreated to his seat behind the desk. Without looking up he began, speaking before even Jim settled into the seat opposite him.

“So, I assume you are here about Josh.  Jan told me you warned her about his job offer at Staples.”

Jim took his seat and a deep breath.

“Yes, but, well I didn’t get the chance to give her all the facts.”

David leaned back in his chair and brought his palm to his face but rather than wait for Jim to say more he spoke out again. 

“Jim, Josh came to see me late yesterday with his offer.”

No, Jim thought. It’s done. Josh got his ask, Scranton’s doomed and I’m probably fired.

Still, he was here so he figured what could it hurt to say what he came to. Maybe he could still convince David of what Josh was up to, even though he wasn’t completely sure himself. But before Jim could open his mouth again to say more, David cut him off a second time.

“And I fired him on the spot…and had the lawyers send a letter to Staples threatening a lawsuit if they hired him.”

Jim’s mouth dropped to a gaping “o” and his eyes widened, a miasma of relief and confusion clouding his irises.

“What, how, ah Jan said you intended to match his offer. What happened?” 

Genuine disbelief was all over Jim’s face which seemed to please David.

Jim. I know.”

“You know?” Jim inquired, not sure what exactly it was David knew but he was about to find out.

“Probably more than you. I know all about his client poaching and his strategies to weaken our positions. How he planned on staying long enough to close down Scranton, so he could bring twice the clients over with him. He’s even gone on calls to our clients with contracts for Staples.”

“Holy Shit,” Jim began trying to stop himself before the expletives tumbled from his lips,  “ah, excuse me.”

“No Jim, I think that language is warranted here.”

“But how, I mean, I only heard the, ah heard him Friday. And Jan, she made it seem like you were still all in for Josh when I spoke to her on Monday. She even berated me for bringing what I knew to her.”

“That’s when we thought he was just looking to leverage his opportunity. That’s a pretty common thing and like she said, we would kind of expect it from someone like Josh. But what we learned since then, that’s a whole other level of egregiousness.”

David pressed a button on his computer. From out of the speakers, he’d heard the recording he’d listened to on Friday night with Matthew. When it finished playing David spoke again.

“This recording is just the tip of the iceberg.”

David flipped his screen so Jim could see what was playing next, a business lunch with Josh and another suit. The sound was low but just enough to make out. David only played it for about a minute but it was enough for Jim to figure out it was a sales call, but he was acting as a representative of Staples and not his own company.

“There’s more. In total I’ve got three different video clips taken by the PBS crew. What I needed to know was were you part of the plan since your name came up more than once.”

Jim began to state his case that he wasn’t but once again David didn’t let him speak, waving him off to assuage the worry now on his face.

“But I can see now you had nothing to do with any of it. I was somewhat confident. I don’t know you well but I could tell you’re a solid character. Plus, you’d already gone to Jan but I had to be sure that wasn’t just a deception to feel us out.”

Jim still was still a bit shell-shocked at all he was hearing and still unsure how David had come by the recording and the other footage he had.

“I’m glad you know I had nothing to do with any of it. I was just as surprised as you when I discovered what he was up to. But how, um how do you have that?”

David leaned back again in his chair as he explained.

“So, I’ve been suspicious of Josh for a while. Actually, pretty much since the day I met him. But I had no real reason for it. It was just a feeling. Something in his eyes and the way he’s always moving. I mean the guy never sits still.”

Jim had picked on that too, but he, unlike David Jim had originally tried to emulate it seeing it as an admirable trait, his athleticism, the biking and workouts and the way he bounced everywhere. That is until very recently when Jim gathered there might be something more to the constant pacing and his love of action video games; that he used it all as a way of purging his conscience.

“And he said I all the time when referring to his branch, never we or us. Plus, his expense reports always seemed to have a lot of expensive lunches that didn’t match up to any significant new contracts. But Jan seemed to like him and it seemed so did the clients. Professionalism, she said, leadership and charisma, that’s what he brought to the table and why we needed a guy like Josh representing us, especially when compared to someone like your old boss, who she always seemed to be exasperated with.”

Jim knew what that was about too. Even though Jan and Michael had that hard-to-understand and quite disturbing to think of romantic fling that had since ended when he took up with his realtor, Jim knew it wasn’t just spite that caused her exasperation. Michael needed a lot of babysitting and his shenanigans could wear out the patience of Mary Poppins.

“Yeah, well at first impression, Josh does come off better than Michael, but say what you will about him, he’s loyal to his people and this company. He would never do anything like what Josh has. And believe it or not, he’s a really good salesman. I mean he’s clueless sometimes about almost everything else but he knows how to close a sale.”

“Yeah, I know. Remember I am the CFO. I’m aware of what he generates, individually and as leader of his branch.”

“Right, of course,” Jim concurred, feeling he should leave his endorsement of Michael at that but then remembering his dream from yesterday he added one last thing.

“Plus, the Scranton office well it works well maybe not in spite of his playful nature but because of it.”

David nodded at the last thing Jim said. He’d seemed to loosen up significantly since they sat down and begun their talk. The furrow of his brow settled back to a more relaxed angle. The harshness of his mouth seemed to curl to an almost smile, especially as they discussed Michael.

“Okay Jim, I’ll give you that. But anyway, back to Josh. I had nothing concrete to base my negative judgement of him on, so I needed more information before I could make any recommendation to the board. That’s why we made the new position. It was really meant to be an outside hire. Someone who can bring in some additional sales but also keep an eye on things and report back to us. However, as you know we always post openings on the company boards and when Jan came to me saying you were interested in the position it all seemed to fall into place.”

Jim thought back to the day he found the job opening. Actually, it was Dwight who pointed it out, urging him to transfer after he’d discovered all his complaints had gone into a folder Toby stored under his desk instead of to the corporate office. The rest had just fallen into place for him too, just not really the place he wanted. The place he wanted was to be was wrapped in her arms after he confessed his love for her but since that didn’t happen, he wound up in Stamford instead. And now he was sitting here, learning how his heartache in a small way may have saved the company from Josh’s sabotage.

“I knew you were a good salesman. Michael had told me on more than one occasion and like you said, he knows sales. Jan said you’d fit in well at Stamford, being such a charismatic guy yourself. Plus, I knew PBS wanted to keep following you for their show but to do that they needed to renegotiate the terms we made with them. The new terms stated I got to see all the footage that had anything to do with Stamford.”

So, David must have known about Call of Duty, and the night they got drunk and the pranks Jim played on his co-workers. He hoped he wouldn’t get fired as a result of all this anyway. But hopefully David could overlook all that since in a roundabout way, he was the reason they found out about Josh.

“It was too much footage to go through and after the first month, I asked them to just make me a highlight reel of anything having to do with Josh. I just got the reel with the recording I just played you Tuesday but it’s been so busy I only got finished reviewing the whole thing late last night. Seems your PBS people caught wind of an interesting story this thing with Josh, so much that they sent some additional cameras from Scranton to catch some of Josh’s meetings. One was with one of the Staples people himself. He made a big mistake coming down to Connecticut to meet over lunch. That’s the footage that has the most incriminating evidence. It’s what’s going to keep Josh from working in this industry ever again and keep a lot of our Stamford clients locked in with us. Staples won’t be able to go near any of them without legal ramifications.”

David pressed a button on his phone asking Stephanie to send Jan in to join them.

“So now as you can imagine we have to decide about the branches. Stamford was the smart choice when I thought I had Josh and you running it. That is before I had my suspicions confirmed. And even though it’s the metro branch, the overhead is a lot more there than in Scranton. It doesn’t quite seem worth the extra cost, especially if you are willing to transfer back to Scranton and be the number two there.”

Jim thought about it as they waited for Jan to come in and talk about logistics. He knew it would probably come to this if he was able to convince David about Josh and save the Scranton branch and Pam’s job with it. But he was still unsure about going back with what he’d just learned about Pam too. Whether David sensed his hesitation or it was just coincidence he quieted some of Jim’s fears by adding.

“Of course, you just left there for what I understand were some personal or was it personnel issues? A certain bespectacled oddball,” he joked thinking Dwight, Scranton’s top salesman, but from what he knew, also a very strange fellow was what would keep Jim from wanting to go back.

“If you don’t want to go back there, we can find a spot for you, maybe even here to manage client relations. Even though they can’t go to Staples, the clients out of Stamford’s office will still need some attention, but we don’t quite need a whole office to manage that. What do you think? We’d prefer you in Scranton—I’d be hesitant to let Michael have free reign without someone like you keeping an eye on him, but I don’t want to lose you so we’ll do what we need to work it out.”

Even though David got it wrong about who the person was making him uncertain he was still giving Jim an out, a way to avoid having to be there watching her develop a new relationship with someone other than himself again. But as he thought through his options, he realized how much he missed his friends and his family.

How much he missed smiling at people who smiled back.

How much he missed playing Fantasy Football with Kevin and discussing the weekly stats in person.

How much he missed Angela’s brownies and even her snark.

How much he missed chatting, scratch that, listening to Kelly ramble on about who knows what she was talking about most of the time.

How he missed intelligent conversations with Oscar and not so intelligent ones with Michael.

But most of all, he missed her.

Being away from her didn’t make him any less unhappy. In fact, the longer he was away the more his heart hurt from not hearing her laugh, seeing her smile and knowing how she was doing on a daily basis. It didn’t matter anymore he would never be more than just her friend.

Being merely her friend, he realized was not as bad as not having her in his life at all.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard this time. After all he’d made it through years when she was with someone right there in the office with them.

He wondered what it was like for Roy now, being stuck in an office with the woman who dumped him, practically at the altar. He thought about it only because he hoped the hurt Roy was experiencing was some kind of karmic payback for the sadness and hurt, he’d made her feel so many times in their years together.   

This time he wouldn’t have to watch them together. He’d be able to keep a blind eye to the blossoming romance between her and uggh, Danny and hopefully he at least would treat her better than Roy ever did and appreciate what he had.

Jan interrupted his thought process as she entered the room, wearing obvious frustration on her face, her body language also revealing her frazzled state. Normally, polished and put together, Jim had never seen her seemed so unraveled, at least not when she wasn’t dealing with Michael and his old office. He knew this new development must have her in her own state of uncertainty, dealing with her own romantic turmoil now that she would continue to have to work with Michael. He knew the man drove her crazy both in business and in affairs of the heart. And like Jim, she would also have to watch as he now was involved with someone else.

Jan took a seat next to Jim haphazardly dropping a folder of papers on David’s desk when she did.  Pulling it together before they got back to brass tacks talk, she straightened her body and did her best to appear calm and collected. They began talking about the options now that Josh was out, how soon everything would happen and who it made sense to move over to Stamford.

They discussed a new salary for Jim, no matter where he decided to go, a significant bump plus a sizable bonus for his loyalty. As they talked, Jim half listened while he continued to mull things over in his head.

As for which of the Stamford crew he felt best to go over to Scranton, he suggested Martin and Tony and to his own surprise, Andy. And he insisted on Karen. If he went back with his own romance brewing, he could return with the armor he needed to protect his heart this time. He felt enough of a spark with Karen, at least he told himself he did.  He realized that tactic didn’t work when he asked out Katy, but it would be different this time with someone that wasn’t just a facsimile of what he couldn’t have.

It would have to be. Because he knew no matter how much his head was screaming be sensible, think of your career and what being proximal to David could mean for it, he was going to take the action led by the beating in his chest and return to the proximity he knew and still ached for. His job, his surroundings, his self-preservation, nothing else mattered more than having her laugh back in his life. There was no other choice, he was going to take the position in Scranton.

Upon giving them his answer, David relaxed fully back into his chair, his transformation back to the easygoing, friendly type Jim remembered meeting back in May was now complete. Jan however, seemed to be more stressed and edgy than when she first walked in, if that was even possible. He’d never seen her in such a state and wondered just what had happened between her and Michael.

Jan rose from her seat nodding at Jim as she turned to return to her own office and begin dealing with the paperwork that went along with the cosmic shift. As she left, she shot Jim a look; fused on her face was an apology and gratefulness, fear and anxiety and the mutual understanding at what they had in store back in Scranton with Michael in charge. Jim returned with a small shrug and his signature eye brow raise and closed mouth smile.

As soon as she was out the door, David rose too, his signal to Jim that there was no more to discuss until Jan had finished with the details and made the announcements to the two offices. Jim reacted in kind, standing up and extending his handshake as David offered his.

“Again Jim, I’m glad you’re staying on with us and I’m glad we’ll have you in Scranton again. Jan will be out later today to your office to give them the news.”

“Thanks David. I’m looking forward to going home.”

Jim started for the door but then stopped and turned back to David who had come around to walk him out.

“Hey can I ask you something.  If all this didn’t happen with Josh, do you think the book Michael made would have had any impact on your decision?”

David chuckled at Jim’s mention of the book

“You saw that huh? That book it was something all right. But to be honest, no, I don’t think it would have swayed my decision. It gave me a laugh, a little better look at the folks I’ve got working for me in Scranton, but would it have made me change my mind, not likely.”

He paused and a pensive look came over his face and he though more about what Jim had asked.

“But in hindsight maybe it should have.  It does make me feel better about having Michael the one left in charge.  It does tell me the kind of person he is. Like you said, loyal and dedicated.  And that’s who we should have representing this company.”

Jim nodded. The book had an impact. Maybe it wasn’t the lynchpin that saved Scranton but it told David what was most important about the man he was putting his faith in.

“And Jim you also proved your character today.  I’m glad you’ll be his number two.  I see big things for you.  Your future looks good.”


 

Chapter End Notes:
I originally had written it to have Jim and Karen sleep together but I just couldn’t have him do that – not when his feelings were still so wishy-washy about her and with where I knew this story would go – it would not look good. So, I scaled back and made it be just enough to make him feel bad but not enough to make him a total dick. I think it was the right choice.

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