It's been nearly 3 weeks since she last saw him and her world came tumbling down, never to be put back together again. At least that's what it felt like if you asked Pam Beesly.

She was supposed to get married in a little less than 2 weeks. Instead she is sitting on a cold tile floor contemplating every aspect of her life. Her best friend had told her he loved her. Her best friend, who wasn’t her fiancé, how is that right? He told her he loved her then ran for the hills, leaving her questioning everything she ever thought she wanted.

She was supposed to be marrying Roy on June 10th, but she broke it off. Now she is reconsidering. Roy, really is a great guy, despite what people think. He was once everything she had always wanted. The big shot football star who made all the heads turn as he walked through the school halls, and with his choice of any girl, he wanted her on his arm. Her to wear his letterman while all the other girls looked on in jealousy. Through their years together he’s been nothing but loyal. As everyone had always said, they were high school sweethearts. But people change, they grow, it doesn’t mean that they are bad people, just bad together. When their lives are no longer in sync. When they have more fun apart, with other people, than with each other. When they no longer understand what makes the other tick. Does she settle for that in exchange for his loyalty? It would sure make things a whole lot easier.

He got her. Jim was her best friend, the one person in the whole world she could count on, could go to for anything, no judgement, no belittling, just pure unconditional friendship and in the end, it turns out, love. So she thought. She isn’t so sure anymore whether he was as dependable as she thought. He didn’t get the answer from her that he wanted so he upped and left. Moved two states away and won’t return her messages. 

A lot has happened over the last nearly three weeks. Long story short, Jim, her supposed “best friend” told her he loved her. Was in love with her. She told him, in not so many words - more like a nod of a head - that she was still marrying Roy. Funny how things work out.

Thinking back to That Night, as her brain had named it, capitalised, underlined, italics, the works. It had started off well. The employees of Dunder Mifflin had enjoyed themselves at a Casino Charity Event in the warehouse, she had enjoyed spending quality out-of-work time with Jim while Roy was… somewhere. She never really knew but was pretty confident in assuming it usually involved beers and on this occasion was with Darryl and the others somewhere in another part of the warehouse. She was having too much of a good time to care enough to find out.

From the corner of her eye she saw him heading over to where she was sitting talking to Oscar, nursing her steadily warming glass of wine. He had come over asking to go, annoyed as always by spending too much time in the presence of Michael. She wasn't ready to go home, and was tired of always having to leave when she was in the middle of having fun just because Roy wanted to. So she told him that she was sure someone would be fine taking her home a little later but she would walk him to the truck to say goodbye. The night air outside was pleasantly warm which added to her good mood. She hadn't felt this content in a long time.

"Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?" Roy called through the passenger side of the truck. She hadn’t seen Jim approach but seeing him there in the artificial glow of the street lamp made her stomach flip in an unexplainable way. She questioned Roy’s need to ask that of Jim, he knew that he didn't need to, Jim was a good guy and was always looking out for her, as friends do. It’s just who he was. They both waved goodbye to Roy and headed towards one another, she was looking forward to spending the rest of the evening in his great company.

"Hey, how’s it going?" Jim asked casually.

"Good, especially after I took all your money," she challenged, which prompted a beautiful beaming smile from him.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "...Hey, can I talk to you about something?" He sounded unsure and his face suddenly dropped which made her stomach churn and shoulders tense. 

"About when you want to give me more of your money?" she tried again to get the smile back on to his face and the conversation back to safer ground. A slight smile appeared, but left just as quickly, almost to humour her.

He let out a rush of air before starting "No, It was just...um -"

"Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I’m feeling kind of good tonight," she interrupted, trying everything in her power to steer the conversation to something, anything closer to the comfortable, playful banter she was used to. He was starting to make her feel uneasy, looking at her in a way that said he had a burden he needed to relieve. She hoped that by keeping her light, playful tone he would be able to read her, as he always did, and back down.

"I was just… I’m in love with you."

"What?" She was pretty sure that something in her brain had short circuited. Everything around her became muffled. Her vision tunnelled and all she could see was him. She wondered briefly whether this was how it felt to have a stroke. She thought of all the times she thought there was something between them only to talk herself out of it. He couldn't possibly be attracted to mousy plain Pam. Except this sounded like he was. 

"I’m really sorry if that’s weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just…"

"What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?" He was talking too much and her brain wasn’t processing the conversation fast enough. What did he expect her to say to that? What did she expect herself to say to that? Her wedding date was 4 weeks away.

"I just needed you to know. Once." 

Once. It was another stark reminder of her impending marriage. Enough of a jolt that she blurted "I can’t." It’s not that she didn’t want or even need. She had made a promise and she couldn’t be the kind of girl who broke it. She couldn’t be the kind of girl who would be with someone for 9 years to then turn around and throw it all away. What had those years been working towards if it wasn’t marriage, a house with a terrace and a room to paint, babies, everything 12 year old Pam had ever dreamt of. Jim knew her better than to think her answer could be anything but the one she gave.

"Yeah." The way he said that one word hit her like a punch to the gut. He looked so heart broken, his eyes beginning to glisten. Her brain still hadn’t caught up but as she felt the pain in her chest and burning in her eyes, she couldn’t help but think that her heart was breaking too. She had never had a man cry over her before and was sure she wasn’t worth his tears. Pam Beesly was not a heartbreaker. She thought of Katy and wondered whether Jim cried over her. Maybe this show of emotion was normal for him and she shouldn’t feel so guilty... or maybe she should stop kidding herself and acknowledge the intensity of what they shared.

"You have no idea…" She wanted to tell him how difficult it was to say no to him. How hard she had to fight the second half of herself for the control to be able to get the next few words out. She wanted to tell him she loves him too but she wasn't the kind of woman who just walks away from a 9 year relationship and a promise of forever as evidenced by the ring on her finger.

"Don’t do that."

"...what your friendship means to me." She felt like she had just wounded herself. This was so much more than friendship and they both know it. Though there was only one of them strong enough to admit it and it wasn't her. 

"Come on. I don’t want to do that. I want to be more than that." 

"I can’t." Hearing it for the second time coming out of her own mouth sounds just as foreign as the first. Of course she wants to be more than that. She can't help but think how different her life would be if she had met him back in High School. Would she be with him now instead? Already married with children on the way? 

The masochist in her just couldn't help herself "I’m really sorry if you misinterpreted things." 

The tear that threatened to fall from his bright hazel eyes finally took its path down his cheek. She wasn’t sure it could have been any harder and wished momentarily that the man in front of her wasn't Jim, it would have been so much easier to say those things to someone like Creed. "It’s probably my fault."

"Not your fault.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry I misinterpreted our friendship. " 

But it was her fault. She had lied through her back teeth to save herself from having to detangle a long term relationship. To save herself from having to explain to her friends and family that she hadn’t been entirely faithful, emotionally at least. To save herself from the embarrassment of finally admitting what many friends, present company included, had always insinuated. Roy wasn't right for her. She wanted Jim more than she could even admit to herself and she did admit it, late at night in the confines of her darkened room while Roy was at some dark and dingy bar or snoring wildly beside her. 

Jim turned and walked away from her, leaving her standing alone under the fluorescent parking lot lights. She convinced herself that the incessant shivering was not from her body betraying her but that the warm spring air had suddenly turned cold. As the feeling of heartache threatended to consume her, Pam did the only thing she could think of at that moment. She went upstairs to call her mom.

—-

As she entered the Dunder Mifflin offices, the room was eerily quiet, lit only by unnatural, electronic blue light from her colleagues' desktop computers. She didn’t want to be with Jim right now, she needed to sieve through her thoughts without distraction. That didn’t mean she didn’t need the comfort of his presence. She made her way over to his desk and paused. She looked for a few moments at the photos of his siblings, nephews and nieces, him and his parents, wishing beyond anything that she could know how it felt to be part of their family. Experience what it was to be included in the Halpert world. Knowing she could, if she just had the guts. She slowly reached for his desk phone before entering the familiar number of her childhood home. Her heart was in her throat, she could feel it pounding so hard she thought it was going to jump out of her mouth. Just before she could fall into a complete panic, her mother answered. 

"Hello?"

"Um...mom?" she could barely get the words out, choking on her sob.

"Sweetie...is something wrong? What happened?" Pam and her mom had always been close. She knew her mother would be able to tell something was wrong but didn't expect to be called out on it so early in the conversation.

"Um. Yeah, I just… I don't know what to do. Jim said he loves me." Pam replied. May as well pull off the bandaid.

"Oh sweetie! When did he tell you?" 

The fact that her mother didn't sound surprised threw her. She wasn't sure how much information to give, sure that once she started, she wouldn't be able to stop. “About ten minutes ago...” 

"Well did you tell him you love him too?"  

“No, I didn’t know what to say,”

"There is clearly something more between the two of you. The way you talk about him, sweetie, you don't speak that way about any of your other friends. Not even Roy, dear." This isn't what she was expecting when she called her mom. She wanted someone to tell her, remind her, she was with Roy. She couldn't follow her heart, she had made commitments. 

“Yeah, I know...,” she decided to be honest for once. 

"Well, are you going to tell him?" 

Should she? She just managed it with her mom. She and Jim are so close, if there was anyone she could confide in, it would be him, right? “I don’t know, mom. He’s my best friend."

"He is so very good to you, I see how happy you are when you speak of him" 

Her mother has a point, Jim is good to her. She just needs to explain everything fully. He would understand.  "Yeah, he’s great."

"So, are you going to speak to him? Tell him the truth?" 

"Yeah, I think I am.” It was then she saw a shadow move by reception, her heart skipped as she wondered how much the figure may have heard of her private conversation. How much they could have interpreted from hearing her side. 

"Mom, i've got to go...yeah, I will" As she put the phone down, she saw the figure more clearly and her heart picked up for an entirely different reason. It was him. As he approached her, she steeled herself for the conversation she knew she had to have with him, what she needed him to understand before anything could change.  She inhaled a deep breath "Jim..." 

He leant towards her, wrapping his arms loosely around her waist as his lips met tenderly with hers. She knows it's cliched but she felt fireworks. She could feel her heart beating in her chest and her fingertips tingle as they found their way up into the flicks of hair around his neck, she lazily played with the tufts, amazed by how soft his hair was. Butterflies flew wildly around her stomach making her positively giddy. 

Slowly, they began to move away from each other. She felt at a loss for words. Thankfully Jim was the first to say something. "Wow. You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that..."

"Me too," she replied without thinking too much about what she had just admitted. 

His mouth quirked into his signature lopsided smile and his eyes crinkled and shone with pure joy like a child at Christmas. He lowered his head once more and this time she met him halfway, her fingers finding the growingly familiar silkiness at the nape of his neck. His grip tightened around her and he squeezed ever so slightly at her waist, then venturing lower to rest on her hips, his fingers grazed her butt cheeks. In what felt like a purely natural response, she moved her hands from his hairline, taking time to feel his broad shoulders and the firmness of his chest and stomach before following the path lower and landing finally at his belt. She dipped each of her pointer fingers slightly into the waistline of his pants at his hip before skimming the band of his boxers, following it around towards the front and stopping with her thumbs resting on his buckle. Jim drew in a sharp breath at the same time an almost inaudible moan escaped her. Jim’s eyes popped open, clearly scanning hers for her answer of how far this was going to go. "Pam...," he exhaled shakily. She stood up on her tiptoes and rested her lips lightly on his "Jim." she whispered before closing her mouth over his. Their kiss became urgent and Pam fumbled with the buckle of his belt. Jim reached to help, effortlessly undoing the buckle and sliding the belt out of the dress pant loops it calls home. He threw the belt to the floor and returned his attention to her, his hands finally landing firmly on her ass. He moved his hands around and down so his fingertips were gripping the inside of her thighs and lifted her from the floor, gently sitting her on his desk. She watched him as he stepped back to take in the scene unfolding before him. Cheeks pink and eyes dark, he looked amazed. As Pam took in the sight of the full length of his body, she couldn't help but notice his excitement and as he stepped forward once more, she raised her hands towards the button of his dress pants to relieve him. 

He placed a wide hand on each of her thighs, his thumb skimming the sensitive skin on the inner part and slid them towards her, scrunching the skirt of her dress that was blocking his path. He stepped forward in between her legs, cupped her face and pressed his lips tenderly against hers. It was a whirlwind after this, she wasn’t sure how it happened. She never meant for it to, but it all happened so quickly, felt so good that she couldn’t find the right time to want to stop. 

She can’t lie and say it was the best she’d ever had. When is it ever when you’re only just learning about someone’s body? He obviously had tricks which he’d learnt through the years of experience with different women, but Roy knew her body, what she liked. What she can say, was that the connection she felt with Jim far surpassed anything she had ever felt with Roy. There is a lot to be said for being best friends.

“Oh my God,” he half laughed, half gasped. “That was…Oh my God.” He ran his fingers through her hair and leant in to kiss her. 

She moved away from his advance. “Jim, listen…” 

He suddenly stepped backwards, eyes wide, she would say he looked almost scared. “Don’t. Don’t do this again. We just…”

“I know, Jim, but we shouldn’t have. That wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair on anybody”

He was pulling his pants back up and tucking in his shirt “Right. I get it. Don’t worry about it. At least I know what it’s like to have you, just once.” He put his sweater back on and then looked her in the eye. “Are you still gonna marry him?”

She nodded, she didn’t know what to say. She knew she had a lot to figure out, a lot to plan and put into action but she could hardly tell Jim that before she had had a chance to speak to Roy. After what she had just done, she owed him more than that. 

“Okay,” he nodded with pursed lips, eyes beginning to glisten once again. “Bye, Pam.”

“Jim, no! Don’t go!” she shouted as he turned to leave, but he didn’t stop. He kept on walking through the doors of Dunder Mifflin and she didn’t know it yet, but by the end of that weekend, out of her life.