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“S’vivon, sov sov sov/Chanukah hu chag tov” – S’vivon (traditional: roughly translates as ‘spinning top, spin spin spin/Chanukah is a good holiday’)

Pam could not believe that Roy was calling her just to taunt her about the fact that he was on vacation without her, without even having asked if she wanted to come along—no, even after she’d expressed that she did want to come. It was just like him, too, she realized. He had probably been so focused on what he and Kenny wanted to do that her wishes hadn’t even occurred to him, and so he didn’t even bother to remember that he was on a trip she’d wanted to come on in the first place.

“What the fuck, Roy.” She didn’t yell it, but anyone who knew her well would know that the kind of flat, snappish affect she did say it with was much more dangerous than if she’d screamed. This was what she was like when she was truly mad. It didn’t happen very often: when Mary Worthington ripped her painting down off an easel in seventh grade art class; the first and only time a young Penny had poured her paints down the drain because she wanted to reuse the containers for something (Pam vaguely remembers it was a Halloween costume of some sort); that time Roy had sunk his entire holiday bonus from Dunder Mifflin into lottery tickets because “you said I couldn’t put it on the Sixers”; the day he’d begged for forgiveness after their terrible first date.

Since half of those had been with Roy, she would have hoped he would at least have noticed, even if he didn’t change his behavior.

But of course he didn’t. Instead, he rambled on and on about how amazing Santa Monica was, and how much she was missing out on. It almost sounded as if…

“Roy, do you think I’m not there because I didn’t want to come?”

“C’mon, Pammy, I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just that you never want to do this kind of awesome stuff…”

“Roy, I am not there because you brought Kenny instead.”

“Aww, don’t be like that!”

“Royson Allen Anderson, exactly how do you think I am being?”

“You know, all prickly and shit. You oughtta be more like the girls here! Everyone’s so laid back and friendly!” Before she could react, she heard Kenny in the background say something, and Roy responded, but he didn’t take his mouth away from the phone enough for her to miss herself being called a ‘fucking boring stick in the mud’ whose attitude was ‘ruining his fun.’”

“That’s enough, Roy.” Something inside Pam that had become brittle starting three days ago snapped. She felt it go; it was sort of sad, like the moment you put your arm into an old, familiar shirt and realize you’ve ripped a hole in the sleeve, or when you crack open a book from your childhood and the front cover slides right off because you’ve handled it one too many times. “If talking to me is ruining the vacation you wouldn’t let me come on, I free you from that obligation. Go have fun with Kenny.”

“Aww, thanks Pammy!” Once again he didn’t seem to have any idea what she was talking about, reacting like a kid who’d been told he could have another ice cream after he scarfed the first one while still in the store. She realized that that was how a lot of her interactions with Roy over the years went—even when she was mad at him, she called him by his full name like a mother scolding a child, even in this very conversation—and she was sick of it. That wasn’t what she wanted out of a relationship. It wasn’t what Roy deserved out of a relationship either. No wonder they hadn’t set a date in three years of being engaged. It wasn’t good for either of them, and they must have subconsciously realized it.

Speaking of which, she realized she was fiddling with her engagement ring, the phone wedged between her ear and shoulder, just like she so often did at work.

“Just know…Roy, I won’t be here when you get back.” She sighed, and smiled a little sadly to herself as she plucked the ring off her finger. “Consider it my Chanukah gift to you. Go have fun with Kenny.” She realized she was repeating herself, but she didn’t know what else to say.

“Wait, what?” Roy sounded puzzled. “What do you mean you won’t be there when I get back?”

“It’s over, Roy.” She put the ring on the kitchen counter, surprised when it didn’t make a louder sound. Something so important ought to be more noticeable. “I don’t think this is working, for either of us.”

“Pammy, I…” But Kenny must have been saying something in the background, because Roy cut himself off. “I gotta go. But this isn’t over!”

“It is, Roy. Take care of yourself.” She wasn’t sure how much of that he’d heard, because he hung up.

She wandered around the apartment aimlessly tidying up from the party until it hit her that that wasn’t what she needed to do right now.

Sure, this was her mess, but it was still nicer than what it had been when she’d started cleaning earlier in the day. And if she wasn’t going to be here when Roy came back, that meant she needed to get her stuff together to make it so.

She grabbed an old duffel out of the hall closet and walked up to their…no, it was going to be Roy’s bedroom. He’d lived in the house before they’d moved in together—with Kenny, who’d only moved out when she’d moved in because he’d briefly moved in with another of his temporary flings, and when they’d broken up he’d been lucky enough that she was moving cross-country and so he could keep the place—so she didn’t mind leaving him to it again. Kenny would probably move back in, and he and Roy could do what they liked.

Thinking about Kenny made her think about Penny—she was going to need help moving, and probably to go live with their parents for a while, so she might as well see if her sister was still on the road. After receiving a string of emojis and a reassurance that she’d been stopped for gas (and so wasn’t texting and driving) she called her parents, too.

She felt oddly calm about it, and somehow that must have gotten through to her mom as well, because she took the news surprisingly well. They’d talk about it when she got home, of course, but for the moment she was shocked at how easy it all was.

It wasn’t until she was unloading the dishwasher and put Jim’s Tupperware down on the counter next to the ring that she finally burst into tears.


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