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COLD OPEN

 

COLD OPEN INT. OPEN PLAN OFFICE

The DM team are hard at work, with generic sounds of rustling paper, quiet telephone conversations, and workers typing away at spreadsheets.

 

MICHAEL: (V.O.)

Sure, some people who work here have soulmates. But those aren’t the only meaningful relationships you can have.

 

INT. OFFICE – WATER COOLER

RYAN is getting himself a cup of water, KELLY chattering away in his ear. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

 

MICHAEL: (V.O.)

Some of our employees have girlfriends.

 

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION

PAM is handling documents, her engagement ring clearly visible.

 

MICHAEL: (V.O.)

Fiancés.

 

INT. OFFICE – DESK AREAS

CREED is working at his desk. He looks at the camera with a quizzical expression. There is a very obvious pause to allow MICHAEL the chance to comment. No comment is forthcoming.

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL: (CONT’D)

Here at Dunder-Mifflin, we have all sorts of people in all sorts of situations. I mean, as an example off the top of my head, some of our employees have

(pretends to think)

ex-wives.

(with relish)

Ex-wives that divorced them. Ex-wives that’ve just had enough of their boringness, their blandness, their, you know, blah-ness. And some people who work here are single, and they’re happy being single. Free and easy, no responsibilities. Free to spread their wings and soar, like an eagle. A bald eagle.

(a realization)

An American eagle. You know, you could say that being single is your patriotic duty as an American. And I’m proud to be a single citizen of this great nation.

(he’s on a roll now)

And those guys who, who not only dodge the singleness draft, but then decide to go and weaken the moral fabric of society by disregarding the sacred vows of marriage?

(beat)

They’re literally domestic terrorists.

 

END OF COLD OPEN

 

 

ACT ONE

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS

DWIGHT is staring at his computer screen and typing away with focused intensity. The camera SWINGS over to land on ANGELA, who is making notes on a form in red ink. She circles one particular section in a visibly disapproving manner.

 

JIM: (V.O.)

So yesterday, Dwight realized that Angela is his soulmate.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

I know, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. But now that they’re soul-bonded, I mean, well…

 

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS

JIM looks between DWIGHT and ANGELA a few times, then looks at the camera with a meaningful expression. It is hard to imagine two people less-inclined towards romance.

 

JIM: (CONT’D)

How could you miss it?

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

(amused, still faintly disbelieving)

I mean, they’re just so obvious about it, right?

 

INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREA

ANGELA is working when PHYLLIS approaches.

 

PHYLLIS:

(apprehensively)

Hi, Angela.

 

ANGELA:

(doing nothing to set her at ease)

Phyllis.

 

PHYLLIS:

(persevering)

Bob and I just wanted to congratulate the two of you.

 

PHYLLIS hands ANGELA a card. Angela looks at the offering with deep disdain and distrust, but takes it anyway. She unseals it with clinical efficiency, and pulls out a card. She reads it silently, and looks up at Phyllis.

 

ANGELA:

(unreadable)

Thank you, Phyllis.

 

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELA holds up a card to the camera. On the front, there is a picture of an anthropomorphic refrigerator smiling and waving cheerily.

 

ANGELA:

(flatly)

Dear Angela, it’s so cool you found your soulmate. We’re chilled to bits, freeze a jolly good fellow. God bless you both, Phyllis and Bob.

(beat)

This card was brought to you by Vance Refrigeration.

 

ANGELA looks up at the camera again, as unamused as you would expect. Her mouth might twitch. But you probably imagined it.

 

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS

JIM is fiddling with a pen. His attention is split between his computer and DWIGHT, who is intent on his work.

 

JIM: (V.O.)

Seeing Dwight and Angela yesterday was actually my first time seeing a soul-bond up close and personal in real life.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

I saw one on a kiss-cam at a Phillies game a couple of years back, but they could have just been faking it so they’d get free hotdogs.

(shrugs)

Instead of free hotdogs, Dwight and Angela got to go for a meeting with HR to discuss how this might affect their working relationship.

(thoughtfully)

Given the choice, I think they’d still pick the meeting.

 

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS

DWIGHT is holding a phone to his ear in a white-knuckled grip. He speaks to a customer for a few moments, gives a stiff nod, and slams the phone down violently. He scribbles something in a notepad before aggressively snatching up the phone again.

 

JIM: (V.O.)

It was a pretty long meeting, took most of the morning – and because of that, Dwight’s been keen to make up for lost time today.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

I’ve never seen him work this hard before. And that’s saying something.

 

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS

We see a series of clips of DWIGHT in full sales mode, ignoring JIM as he makes funny faces and waves. There is but one thought in his mind: to convince his client of the merits of changing to recycled paper at a 6% discount. The final clip is a close-up of Dwight. We hear a CLICKING sound –  ZOOM OUT to show Jim determinedly snapping his fingers by Dwight’s ear, to no response.

 

JIM: (V.O.)

He’s so intent on clawing back the work-hours he lost yesterday, he’s been totally ignoring all my attempts at annoying him. They’ve just been bouncing off him.

 

JIM flicks a rubber band at DWIGHT, and it pings off the side of his head. We wait for a reaction, but Dwight gives no indication that he has felt anything, too busy stabbing at the buttons on his phone to place another call. Stakhanov has nothing on this guy.

 

JIM: (V.O.)

Literally.

 

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

 

DWIGHT:

Whilst it’s true that Dunder-Mifflin offers employees the option to take a week’s paid leave in the event of a soul-bonding, Angela and I came to the decision that we would not be taking the time off.

 

INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREA

ANGELA looks up from her computer to give someone off-camera a meaningful look. The camera SWINGS across to catch DWIGHT looking back at her. He nods, and turns his attention to his computer.

 

DWIGHT: (V.O.)

Unlike some of the irresponsible, lackadaisical workers in this office, Angela is too much of a professional to ever consider playing ‘hooky’. And I wouldn’t be a man worthy of her love if I suggested it.

 

DWIGHT looks offscreen and nods. The camera SWINGS back around to ANGELA in time to catch her returning to her work without responding. It is apparent from their interaction that she has sent him an email. It is even more apparent that it is strictly work-related.

 

DWIGHT: (V.O.)

You see, there is love, and there is duty. And as long as I work at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company Incorporated, it is my moral and contractual obligation to serve this company to the best of my ability. I haven’t taken a holiday in six years.

 

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

 

DWIGHT:

Last year, on Christmas Day, I made three sales and convinced one of my existing clients to agree to an exclusive ten-year contract wherein Dunder Mifflin will supply them, on a weekly basis, with the finest-quality recycled paper in Pennsylvania.

(smugly)

They insisted I delete them from my mailing list afterwards, but it’ll take them ten years to delete themselves from that contract.

 

 

ACT TWO

INT. OPEN PLAN OFFICE

PAM and JIM are at RECEPTION watching DWIGHT at work. Dwight glances over to the accounting desk.

 

ANGLE ON:

 

ANGELA is hard at work sifting through forms and documents. Her diligence inspires DWIGHT to return to his work.

 

ANGLE ON:

 

JIM:

(uninspired, and therefore, undiligent)

Happiness is an odd look on Dwight.

 

PAM:

(similarly unmotivated)

Is that what it is?

 

JIM:

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a good look on him. It’s just not his usual look.

 

PAM:

What’s his usual look?

 

JIM:

Irritated. Annoyed. Enraged, at times.

 

PAM:

Maybe he saves those special looks for you.

 

JIM:

He’d better.

 

PAM:

You’re not feeling jealous, are you?

 

JIM:

Not really. Should I be feeling jealous right now?

 

PAM:

I don’t know, should you?

 

JIM:

Of Angela? No way. Come on, Pam. You know soulmate’s got nothing on deskmate.

 

PAM:

(seriously)

Oh, yeah, totally.

 

JIM:

Thank you.

 

PAM:

No, deskmate, yeah, that’s – wow. A whole other level, of… companionship, and, uh…

 

JIM:

Intimacy.

 

PAM:

Emotional intimacy.

 

JIM:

Physical, too.

 

PAM:

Oh, wow.

 

JIM:

Got a little game of footsie going on under the table.

 

PAM:

Maybe it’s Angela that should be worried.

 

JIM:

Could be, Pam. Could be.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD

 

PAM:

Do I have a soulmate? Honestly, I don’t know. I mean, if I do, I probably haven’t met them yet. And, sure, it would be nice if there was someone out there who, you know, understood me, and was there for me, and just got me, but… Roy might not be my soulmate, but I think we’ve done okay. We’ve been together for nearly ten years now.

(more soberly)

I mean, not everyone has a soulmate, and there are so many people in the world.

(beat)

And it’s just kind of silly to spend your whole life waiting for something that might not even happen.

 

INT. OPEN PLAN OFFICE

JIM is working at his desk. A phone RINGS. We see him look over as PAM picks up the phone.

 

PAM:

(lackluster)

Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.

 

JIM: (V.O.)

Pam’s engaged to Roy, one of the guys working down in the warehouse.

 

PAM:

Hold, please.

 

PAM transfers the call and gives only the barest cursory glance in Phyllis’ direction before returning to her half-hearted doodling. JIM continues to watch her with concern.

 

JIM: (V.O.)

They’ve been engaged for a while now.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

Seeing Dwight and Angela, knowing that they’re probably going to get married soon… without the three-year wait – I mean, that’s got to be tough on her.

(beat)

Or it might not be. It’s just a feeling I’ve got.

(beat)

I could be wrong.

 

JIM shifts in his seat.

 

INT. ANNEX

 

TOBY TALKING HEAD

 

TOBY:

Although we do keep records of employees with soul-bonds, they’re treated in much the same way as you’d expect medical conditions to be treated; it’s completely confidential. I could tell you that four – well, five, now – five people in the office have soul-bonds with their soulmate, but I couldn’t tell you from their files who their soulmates are. Some people, I couldn’t even tell you from their interactions in the workplace. In other cases… you can make a pretty good guess. But, obviously, it's illegal for a person to announce who their soulmate is before a mutual soul-bond is made.

 

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

 

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

 

OSCAR:

Do I have a soulmate? No, actually, we’re just good friends.

 

INT. KITCHEN

RYAN is making a cup of tea. His overall demeanour is quite relaxed. Here, he is away from the madness.

 

RYAN:

Do I have a soulmate?

(taps his mug reticently)

Well, that’s kind of a personal question, don’t you think? Why?

(looks up; a horrifying thought strikes him)

What have other people been saying?

 

INT. OFFICE – PHYLLIS AND STANLEY’S DESKS

 

PHYLLIS:

(a shy smile: a woman in love)

Bob and I met in the frozen section at the local supermarket. I was looking for the frozen vegetables, he was looking for the manager to let them know that they were using substandard refrigeration units. I know,

(laughs self-consciously)

it’s so cliché.

 

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

As a matter of fact, I do have a special someone in my life. They’re actually from Prague, I got to know them playing in an online chess tournament… I have a checkmate.

 

He smiles for the camera. He thinks he’s so funny.

 

INT. KITCHEN

 

ANGELA is wiping down the counter. She looks up when DWIGHT enters the room. They pause in mutual acknowledgement before Dwight continues on to the fridge.

 

DWIGHT:

(carefully measured)

Miss. Martin.

 

He withdraws a Tupperware container.

 

ANGELA:

(in similar fashion)

Mr. Schrute.

 

This is apparently sufficient for DWIGHT, who turns and heads for the door. He pauses just as he is about to leave the room, as cool as a refrigerated beet.

 

DWIGHT:

I took the liberty of renting The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe from Blockbuster last night.

 

ANGELA:

(aloof, disinterested)

Is that so?

 

DWIGHT:

Perhaps you would like to watch it with me sometime this week. We can discuss how Lewis’ use of symbolism and allegory differ from that of Tolkien’s.

 

ANGELA:

(dismissively)

One might as well compare apples to beets.

 

DWIGHT:

I would agree, but I fear we are at cross-purposes.

 

ANGELA:

(with disapproval and curling lip)

Really, Dwight? Puns?

 

DWIGHT:

Purely coincidental, Monkey, I assure you. Such a linguistic quirk would be unthinkable in Sindarin.

 

There is a slight pause until ANGELA clearly arrives at some sort of decision.

 

ANGELA:

We shall watch the movie at my house immediately after work tomorrow. You may stay for a vegetarian dinner and a discussion of how the threefold office is depicted in Narnia and Lord of the Rings over decaffeinated coffee.

 

DWIGHT:

Perhaps I could bring some sugared beets for dessert.

 

ANGELA does not reply, but her face indicates some sort of approval. It is enough that DWIGHT may leave without a further word. Once her soulmate has left, Angela continues to wipe down the counter. It is as if nothing has happened.

 

 

ACT THREE

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL:

Dwight soul-bonded with Angela yesterday, and his sales numbers today? Through the roof.

(nods admiringly)

I haven’t seen anything like it since Jim spiked his coffee with Red Bull back in ‘03. Reminded me of Dunder Mifflin in the mid-80s.

(laughs)

Man.

(shaking his head)

Ah, you really had to be there.

 

INT. OPEN PLAN OFFICE

DWIGHT continues to leaf through binders, type at his keyboard, and make notes like a man possessed. At RECEPTION, JIM and PAM exchange a look that’s part-impressed, part-concerned.

 

MICHAEL: (V.O.)

You know, seeing Dwight in love…

(thoughtfully)

it really makes you wonder how productive this office would be if everyone was happily in love with their soulmate.

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL: (CONT’D)

All I’m saying is, if our HR department really cared about workplace productivity, and people’s happiness, then they would have made the identities of our soulmates a matter of public record. But it’s obvious that our HR guy doesn’t care about the people in this office the way that I do. And on the one hand, it’s understandable. You know, your marriage broke down, and you got divorced, and you had to sleep in your car, and nobody loves you, you’re probably going through a rough time. But when those life experiences make you bitter, and make you hateful, and make you think nobody else deserves a shot at happiness? You know, this is, this is not right. It’s, it’s emotional blackmail, is what it is. It’s holding information hostage. And we do not negotiate with terrorists.

 

CAMERA – CLOSE UP of TOBY against a nondescript background

 

TOBY:

(long-suffering, yet still patient)

Michael, you can’t just demand that we release employees’ medical records.

 

ZOOM OUT to show that TOBY is in MICHAEL’S OFFICE. Neither he nor MICHAEL seem best pleased with this state of affairs.

 

MICHAEL:

Why not?

 

TOBY:

(now only long-suffering)

Because they’re confidential. And it’s a major invasion of people’s privacy.

 

MICHAEL:

Toby, did you see the footage, a couple of years ago, of American soldiers marching through Baghdad? People were cheering on the streets. You know why? Because they understood that a minor invasion was a small price to pay for a better tomorrow.

 

TOBY:

(Costa Rica es bonita en esta época del año)

I’m not sure the two situations are comparable.

 

MICHAEL:

(belligerent)

And I’m not sure why you’re so intent on denying Kevin what could be his one chance at happiness.

 

TOBY:

(Dios ayúdame)

We’re not denying our employees anything, Michael.

 

MICHAEL:

Except the names of their soulmates. You’re just sitting on that information, like a sitter. A squatter. A homeless squatter. What, you got tired of sleeping in your car?

 

ZOOM IN on TOBY’s face. We can actually see him considering violent retribution.

 

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

 

TOBY TALKING HEAD

 

TOBY:

So, yeah, it’ll be nice. I’ll go surfing, maybe try zip-wiring. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, and it feels like it’s finally time. I know that’s not what you asked me, but… I mean, I’m not going to answer that question on camera.

 

INT. KITCHEN

 

KELLY TALKING HEAD

 

KELLY:

Honestly, I had no idea Dwight and Angela were soulmates. Like, when you think of soulmates, you think of Ross and Rachel, or Ryan and Marissa, or J.D. and Elliot, you know? That’s what real soulmates look like. I mean, I used to think that Brad and Jennifer were soulmates, but now it’s, like, super obvious with hindsight that Angelina Jolie’s, like, a way better match for him.

(nods wisely)

But now that I think about it, it’s, like, so obvious that they’re right for each other.

(beat)

I’m talking about Dwight and Angela, by the way, not Brad and Angelina. Brad Pitt’s way hotter than Dwight.

(conspiratorially) You know, the first soulmates I really, really wanted to be soulmates? Joey and Pacey.

(nods)

I know! Like, all my friends thought Joey should end up with Dawson, but I was all, ‘Ew, no way, Pacey’s way cuter’. I had a poster of Pacey up on my wall right next to Leo –

(a thought strikes her)

oh, my God, Dwight’s literally like Leo in Titanic, he’d totally save Angela if they were on a ship and it sunk. I cried so much when Jack died, there was definitely room for him on that door. But Dwight’s, like, a giant, so there wouldn’t be room if it was him and Angela, so he’d probably have to die to save his soulmate. But that’s what you do when you’re in love.

(sighs happily)

If Ryan and I were on the Titanic, I’d totally let Ryan stay on the –

 

INT. BREAK ROOM

 

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

 

OSCAR:

Angela and Dwight have a lot of things in common. They’re both extremely organized and punctual, and they hold themselves to high standards of professional excellence.

(beat)

I think they deserve each other.

 

PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD

 

PHYLLIS:

(A rare, human reaction: sympathy.)

I can’t imagine what that must have been like for Angela. Having to come into work everyday, sitting across from your soulmate for eight hours a day or more, knowing that the person you love is right there, but you can’t say or do anything about it?

(shakes her head)

Poor dear.

(clucks maternally)

That must have really hard for her.

 

INT. OPEN OFFICE

PHYLLIS exits the CONFERENCE ROOM, clearly wrapping up her interview. She makes her way to JIM and gives him a soft pat on the shoulder.

 

ANGLE ON:

 

JIM looks confused as PHYLLIS returns to her desk. He has little time to dwell on it, as MICHAEL pops his head out of his OFFICE.

 

MICHAEL:

Jim! Jimmy Halpert. Darth Jimious. Emperor Halpertine.

 

JIM:

(absently)

Oh, hey, that one’s new.

 

MICHAEL:

Come on in, shut the door, pull up a chair.

 

JIM does all three, shutting the door to MICHAEL’S OFFICE on the camera with an apologetic expression. Camera TRACKS around to the HALLWAY to continue filming; both are visible in the office. SOUND is picked up from PERSONAL MICS.

 

INT. OFFICE – HALLWAY – handheld cam, trained on MICHAEL’S OFFICE

 

JIM:

So, what’s going on?

 

MICHAEL:

Jim, what I’m about to discuss with you does not leave this office.

 

JIM:

(glances towards camera)

Okay.

 

MICHAEL:

Now, I know that you like to do your little pranks and tricks. And most of the time, they’re good for office morale. Not as funny as some people, you’ve still got a lot to learn from the master, but, for the most part, they give the mood a bit of a boost. And that’s why I’ve been turning a blind eye to your little stunts. Like that time you stuck my mug in jello.

 

JIM:

Wow, Michael, I – I hadn’t even realized you knew that was me. I guess I wasn’t as subtle as I thought I was.

 

MICHAEL:

Well, that’s me, Jim. Eyes like a hawk. Tony Hawk. Because it’s not just 360-degree vision, it’s 900-degree vision.

 

JIM:

Yeah, no kidding.

 

MICHAEL:

That’s how I knew it was you. And, you know, I like to think that I’ve been pretty lenient on you so far. But now, I’m calling in that favor.

 

JIM:

You’re calling in that favor.

 

MICHAEL:

I need you to create a distraction that gets Toby away from his desk for long enough that I can sneak in there and steal the soulmate files.

 

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

When I was eight years old, I used to think that the President had this, like, manila folder from the Pentagon with all the nuclear launch codes inside.

(beat)

Michael celebrated his fortieth birthday last year.

 

INT. OFFICE – HALLWAY – handheld cam, trained on MICHAEL’S OFFICE

 

JIM:

You want me to help you… I’m sorry, Michael, this just sounds an awful lot like you want me to act as an accessory to theft.

 

MICHAEL:

No, Jim, that’s not it at all. I just want you to…

 

JIM:

To…

 

MICHAEL:

Repay me for all the times I looked the other way.

 

JIM:

Well, now it’s beginning to sound an awful lot like blackmail.

 

MICHAEL:

I’m sorry, did I at any point in this conversation use the phrase, drinkin’ flicka?

 

JIM:

(begins to rise out of his chair)

Alright, Michael. Alright. I’ll do it. Just give me a couple of days to think of something.

 

MICHAEL:

A couple of days? Jim, I don’t think you understand what’s at stake here.

 

JIM:

(thinking quickly)

No, no, Michael, I do. Totally. Think about it. If you and I know how important those files are, Toby does too.

 

MICHAEL:

Well, obviously. That’s why he doesn’t want us to get our hands on them.

 

JIM:

Yeah. So if we want him to willingly leave them unattended, it’s going to have to be a super-convincing distraction, right? Gonna take a lot of planning.

 

MICHAEL:

(dawning realization)

Oh.

 

JIM:

Yeah.

 

MICHAEL:

I never thought about that! See, Jim, I knew I could count on you!

 

Camera TRACKS around to RECEPTION, as JIM leaves MICHAEL’S OFFICE. He and MICHAEL are laughing in some sort of camaraderie. Camera PANS to RECEPTION, where PAM looks bemused.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 

JIM:

Someone once told me that the key to handling Michael is to just humor him for a couple of days until he forgets about it. Again, much like an eight-year-old.

(beat, thoughtfully:)

Or a goldfish.

 

 

ACT FOUR

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL:

You know, here’s a little-known fact about soulmates. Now, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but in Argentina, there’s this hot drink called mate, except they pronounce it ‘mah-tay’. And in Argentina, when you soul-bond with someone, it’s traditional to drink to your newfound happiness with a cup of ‘mah-tay’. And that’s why one of the most popular ways of asking someone out on a date is asking them whether they want to grab a cup of coffee, because it’s the American way of saying…

(leans forward)

‘Hey, there. Could you be my soulmah-tay?’

 

He sits back in his chair and gives an impressive nod.

 

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION

PAM is sitting at her desk, JIM leaning on the counter.

 

PAM:

Got any big plans for tonight?

 

JIM:

Not really. I’m going out for drinks with Mark and his girlfriend. Katy’s coming, too, so that should be cool.

 

PAM:

Oh, so like a double-date?

 

JIM:

Not really.

 

PAM:

What?

 

JIM:

What?

 

PAM:

Just, you know. Mark and his girlfriend, and you and Katy… that’s pretty much a double-date.

 

JIM:

Me and Katy aren’t a thing.

 

PAM:

What?

 

JIM:

Not anymore.

 

PAM:

(unreadable)

Oh.

 

JIM:

My soul-bond went off on one of our dates.

 

PAM:

(with sympathy)

Oh, Jim.

 

JIM:

Yeah.

 

PAM:

That sucks.

 

JIM:

Yeah.

 

PAM:

God, I’m so sorry.

 

JIM:

It’s cool, though, she was actually super chill about it.

 

PAM:

Really?

 

JIM:

Didn’t even throw a drink in my face.

 

PAM:

Well, that’s good.

 

JIM:

And she’s a romantic, too, so we just ended up talking about how awesome my soulmate is for the rest of the evening.

 

PAM:

(sincerely)

That’s really sweet of you, Halpert.

 

JIM:

I know, I was jumping on a couch, and everything.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD

 

PAM:

Katy and Jim met in the office. And they were dating, which, you know, everyone in the office knows. Not because Jim was shouting about it, or anything, just because, you know. People in the office, everyone knows this stuff.

 

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION

Conversation continues

 

JIM:

We’ll probably just hang out, have some fun, maybe get banned from Chili’s like the cool kids do.

(PAM laughs)

What about you?

 

PAM:

Me?

 

JIM:

Yeah, Beesly. Got any big plans for tonight?

 

PAM:

Um, well, Roy’s probably going to have a couple of friends over to watch the game, so I’ll probably just get round to cleaning the kitchen.

 

JIM:

Wow. Sounds intense.

 

PAM:

I know, I can feel the adrenaline rush just talking about it.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD

 

PAM:

It’s not like I’ve got anything against Katy, you know? I mean, she’s super nice and she’s really sweet, it’s just… Jim deserves the best, you know?

 

INT. OFFICE – OPEN OFFICE

SOUNDLESS shot of RECEPTION as PAM and JIM carry on their conversation. We see Jim leaning against the desk, saying something that makes Pam smile. He steals one jelly bean for the road before making his way back to his desk.

 

PAM: (V.O.)

Jim’s an amazing guy. He’s probably my best friend in the office. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s talented.

 

JIM grabs his satchel and continues on into the KITCHEN. Through the glass in the door window, we see him set the satchel on the counter and take an orange bottle of tablets out.

 

ANGLE ON:

 

PAM, unaware that she is being filmed, watching on with a troubled expression.

 

PAM: (V.O.)

I just hope his soulmate knows how dumb they were to let such a great guy slip through their fingers.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD

 

PAM:

(a little hesitantly)

Jim’s been taking bond-suppressant tablets since he started here, pretty much the whole time I’ve known him.

 

INT. OFFICE – OPEN OFFICE

 

ANGLE ON:

JIM standing the kitchen, now unscrewing the bottle lid.

 

PAM: (V.O.)

He doesn’t really talk about his soulmate much.

 

PAM TALKING HEAD

 

PAM: (CONT’D)

I don’t know whether it’s someone he met in high school, or someone he met in college, but… I mean, he met this person, and fell in love with them, and for whatever reason, they weren’t in a place where they could fall in love with him.

(worries at her lip)

And I think that really sucks.

 

INT. OFFICE – OPEN OFFICE

 

ANGLE ON:

 

JIM is in the kitchen, tapping out a tablet with bowed head and slumped shoulders. Suddenly, he looks up, making direct eye contact with the camera through the door window. He bears an unmistakeable resemblance to a rabbit in headlights.

 

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM keeps shifting in his seat and glancing towards the door.

 

JIM:

(after a pause)

I mean, it’s not that big a deal.

 

INT. OFFICE – OPEN OFFICE

 

ANGLE ON:

 

JIM in the KITCHEN, leaning against the counter. He is lowering a cupped palm from his mouth, evidently just having popped the tablet in his mouth.

 

JIM: (V.O.)

Falling in love with your soulmate, it’s, you know…

 

He washes the tablet down with a cup of coffee.

 

JIM: (V.O., CONT’D)

It happens to people all the time.

 

JIM TALKING HEAD

 JIM is now sitting slumped in the chair, arms folded across his chest. This is not his usual practised apathy.

 

JIM:

A lot of people fall in love with their soulmates. It’s just that, you know, I’m in love with my soulmate, and she’s not in love with me. But because I’m receptive, I still get to feel what she…

(swallows)

yeah.

(makes a visible effort to avoid making eye contact with the camera or the crew)

 

 

ACT FIVE

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE

 

PAM:

You wanted to see me, Michael?

 

MICHAEL:

Ah, Pam. Just the person I was hoping to talk to. Look, I need you to do me a favor.

 

PAM:

Sure.

 

MICHAEL:

I’ve just had a call from corporate, and it sounds like they’re not happy with the way our HR department handled various complaints about sexual harassment.

 

PAM:

I thought you told Toby that whoever made those complaints should be banned from making complaints for six months to teach them a lesson.

 

MICHAEL:

Did Toby tell you that?

 

PAM:

You did.

 

MICHAEL:

Because that’s very unprofessional of him. Anyway, look – I’ve just gotten off the phone with Corporate, and, get this, they’re launching an inquiry into whether or not there’s a culture of sexual harassment here in Scranton. Can you believe that?

 

PAM:

(can believe most allegations against DM Scranton)

Wow. That’s, just, wow.

 

MICHAEL:

I know! Do you know what the motto of Scranton, Pennsylvania is, Pam?

 

PAM:

No?

 

MICHAEL:

‘Embracing our people, our traditions and our future’.

(aggrievedly)

You know what Corporate would do to that motto, if they got a hold of it?

 

PAM:

Change it?

 

MICHAEL:

Exactly, Pam. They’d change it. They’d be all, you can’t embrace people. That’s sexual harassment. You can’t harass traditions like that. Who told you it was okay to take a hold of the future without consent?

 

PAM:

Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?

 

MICHAEL:

No, but I want you to make a note of it, we’ll get back to it another time.

 

PAM:

(oh, goody)

So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?

 

MICHAEL:

Corporate are forming a committee to investigate our office’s patterns of behaviour and workplace relations, and Pam, I’ve got be honest with you, I don’t trust them one little bit. So

(claps hands)

I want you to form a task force to guide the Corporate committee through the process and make sure they don’t misrepresent us.

 

PAM:

A task force? You mean, like, a committee?

 

MICHAEL:

Sure.

 

PAM:

You want a committee to oversee the committee.

 

MICHAEL:

Exactly.

 

PAM:

And help them decide what to say about us.

 

MICHAEL:

Exactamundo.

 

PAM:

It’s just that, that sort of sounds like a conflict of interest.

 

MICHAEL:

Pam, if all these conversations about sexual harassment have taught us anything, it’s that people can say all kinds of things and things can be taken in all sorts of ways, that’s what she said.

 

ZOOM IN on Pam’s carefully blank face.

 

MICHAEL:

I want you and Oscar to monitor the ongoing inquiry, and report back to me with regular updates on their findings before they pass anything back to Head Office.

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL:

When it came to heading up the committee, Pam was the obvious choice. She is, after all, a woman, so when she tells those Corporate stiffs that not a single person here in Scranton is treated differently because of their gender, sexuality, or other

(gestures to his own chest, then gestures… downwards)

stuff, that’ll send a really powerful message.

 

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE

 

PAM:

So you want me to look over Corporate’s shoulder whilst they’re taking notes on us, and report back to you.

 

MICHAEL:

Yes. And, obviously, if you want to bring anyone else in, feel free. Except Jim, though.

 

PAM:

(the thought had not crossed her mind)

Why not Jim?

 

MICHAEL:

Well, we’ve already got one hot person telling them there’s no sexual harassment going on. Two just seems, I don’t know, like we’re trying to prove something.

(a realization)

So no Ryan, either.

 

PAM:

Okay, well, I’ll just… go talk to Oscar.

 

MICHAEL:

(cheerily)

Great idea, Pam!

 

Exit PAM

MICHAEL: (CONT’D)

(to camera, dismissively)

As if anyone’s going to think Oscar’s getting sexually harassed.

 

INT. OFFICE – JIM AND DWIGHT’S DESKS

Afternoon lull; DWIGHT and JIM at their desks. One is hard at work, the other is hardly working.

 

JIM:

So how come you’re still here?

 

DWIGHT:

Because, Halpert, it’s the middle of the working day.

 

JIM:

But it could have been a non-working day.

 

DWIGHT:

Like yours?

 

JIM:

Ouch.

 

JIM falls silent until DWIGHT has gone back to his work. Only when Dwight is assiduously making notes does he continue.

 

JIM: (CONT’D)

You guys could have taken that soul-bond time off, you know.

 

DWIGHT:

(incapable of ignoring Jim; hates Jim and hates himself for it)

I know what you’re up to, Jim.

 

JIM:

That makes one of us.

 

DWIGHT:

(accusingly)

You’re trying to get me and Angela to take time off. You want us to slack off, just like you.

 

JIM:

You got me.

 

DWIGHT:

Well, it’s not going to work.

 

JIM:

Oh, yeah?

 

DWIGHT:

Oh, yeah.

 

JIM:

Really.

 

DWIGHT:

Really, really. You see, Angela may be the pleasingly-Aryan Rosie to my Samwise Gamgee, but Michael? Michael is my Frodo. And I am sworn to aid him, to carry him if need be, as we wage war against the Dark Lord Sauron’s forces of Nazgûl and orcs. Or Staples and Office Depot.

 

JIM:

Does that make me Aragorn?

 

DWIGHT:

Please. You’re obviously Legolas.

 

JIM:

Legolas is that dwarf from Gondor, right?

 

DWIGHT just glares at him before shaking his head and going back to his work.

 

DWIGHT:

(without looking up from his papers)

Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul.

 

ZOOM IN on JIM as he turns to the CAMERA with a nonplussed face.

 

INT. BREAK ROOM

PAM and OSCAR are sitting at a table, ostensibly in a planning meeting.

 

PAM:

A few months ago, everyone in the office had to undergo a refresher course on the company’s sexual harassment policy. And I guess Corporate just wanted to check up on how everyone’s responded to that.

 

OSCAR:

Every so often, Corporate will hand down a totally harmless edict that will have absolutely no effect on the day-to-day life of the office, and Michael will get unreasonably paranoid about the possibility of interference from Head Office.

 

INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREAS – FLASHBACK

ANGELA, OSCAR and KEVIN are at work. MICHAEL is hovering.

 

MICHAEL:

So these are definitely this year’s figures?

 

ANGELA:

The first two quarters of this year, yes.

 

MICHAEL:

And you’re sure we’re not missing anything?

 

OSCAR:

We’ve checked and double-checked our findings, Michael. Everything adds up.

 

MICHAEL:

Oh, okay, okay. Cool.

(beat)

What about this, here? Did you get this?

 

ANGELA:

(strained)

Yes, Michael, I did.

 

MICHAEL:

Did you remember to carry the one?

 

Of all people, it is KEVIN that breaks. He blows a long, loud raspberry at MICHAEL. There is a shocked, stunned silence.

 

INT. BREAK ROOM

PAM and OSCAR are still seated.

 

OSCAR:

(delicately)

The fact that Michael doesn’t like being micromanaged…

 

A single look to the camera. Nothing more needs saying.

 

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

 

MICHAEL:

I wouldn’t say I’m anti-establishment. I don’t think it’s for me to say that about myself.

(leans back in chair; thoughtfully)

But, you know, when you look at the great counter-culturalists of history, the Gandhis, the Ches, the Tom Cruise in Top Guns of this world, you know what they all had in common? They’re mavericks. They’re rebels. They’re unapologetically themselves. And so if you asked me, who is Michael Scott? I’d have to say, I am who I am. And if that offends you… I’m not sorry.

 

INT. BREAK ROOM

 

PAM:

We can’t really interfere with the inquiry anyway, but even if we could, it’s not just a question of ethics, it’s a question of… motivation.

 

OSCAR:

That’s right. And, quite frankly, I have neither the patience nor the time to indulge in any more of Michael’s hairbrained schemes. I have about a hundred paper trails to chase up right now, and I’d say that Michael’s profligacy and company credit card are responsible for about eighty of them.

 

PAM:

So what we’re going to do is just draft a couple of emails now, so we can send them to Michael at the end of the day and give him a sense of reassurance. Here’s one I wrote earlier.

 

She holds up a sheet of paper and begins to read.

 

PAM: (CONT’D)

The professional standards at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton are extremely high. Lessons have evidently been learned in the wake of their last review of company policy. Mr. Scott, the Branch Manager, clearly runs a tight ship.

 

OSCAR:

(amused)

That is shameless.

 

PAM:

I figured he’ll get to that point and not bother to read any further. How about you?

 

OSCAR clears his throat, ready to begin reading off his own sheet.

 

OSCAR:

Our inquiry was able to gain a fairly comprehensive insight into Dunder-Mifflin Scranton’s workplace dynamics…

 

He pauses for effect, and PAM gives the camera an impressed look. Very fancy terminology.

 

OSCAR: (CONT’D)

despite the lack of support from the branch’s extremely unhelpful HR department.

(breaks away from sheet)

I hate to throw Toby under the bus like that, but if that’s what it takes to get Michael off my back, I’ll do it.

 

PAM:

(laughing)

Now that is shameless.

 

INT. KITCHEN

KELLY and RYAN are taking a break from work. Kelly leans against the counter, Ryan stands with a cup of coffee.

 

KELLY:

You know how when you fall in love with your soulmate, you can feel what they’re feeling?

 

RYAN:

(feigning interest)

Mm-hm.

 

As KELLY keeps chattering on, Ryan continues taking sips of his coffee so he doesn’t have to say anything. Not that that’s an issue with Kelly.

 

KELLY:

Like, when they’re looking at you, you can just tell when they’re thinking, ‘Oh my God, they’re so hot, they’re so totally gorgeous’, and you get to feel them thinking how hot you are, and they get to feel you thinking about how hot they are?

 

RYAN:

(absently)

Uh-huh.

 

KELLY:

Ryan?

 

RYAN:

(immediately on his guard)

Yeah?

 

KELLY:

Do you know if there are any receptive soul-partners in your family?

 

RYAN makes a noise meant to indicate pensiveness, and takes another sip of his coffee. ZOOM IN on him, and his eyes are very much avoiding the camera and Kelly both.

 

RYAN TALKING HEAD

 

RYAN:

As a species, we’re more connected, today in the twenty-first century, than at any other point in our history. Myspace, email, the internet, all these different ways to find your soulmate. I mean, there are just so many people out there. I don’t just mean out there,

(gestures to the office)

I mean out there, like, out there.

(beat)

Elsewhere.

 

 

EXIT TAG

 

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION

The office is empty; PAM is the only person left in the office at the end of the day. She holds up her yoghurt to the camera and gestures with her spoon.

 

PAM:

I didn’t get a chance to eat this earlier, because it’s been a pretty full-on day. There was Michael’s committee, and the interviews, and all that stuff with Jim and Katy, and, yeah, I’m looking forward to going home.

(smiles brightly)

Just one last thing to finish up here, and then we’re good to go.

 

She peels off the lid of her yoghurt, and with a conspiring smile to the camera, digs her spoon in with evident relish. She’s just raising the spoon when, OFFSCREEN –

 

JIM:

Hey, Pam?

 

The camera SWINGS around to show JIM coming out of the KITCHEN. He’s obviously on his way home, scarf around his neck and satchel slung over one shoulder.

 

INT. OFFICE – OPEN OFFICE

JIM makes his way towards RECEPTION.

 

PAM:

Yeah?

 

JIM:

(as he comes to a halt)

This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed-berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired. So, uh, yeah.

(smiles and raps the counter)

Just thought I’d let you know.

 

PAM is silent as JIM takes his coat from the stand and makes his way towards the ENTRANCE.

 

CAMERA cut to INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION.

 

As JIM opens the door to leave, he gives the camera an awkward smile, and an even more awkward wave. What a goofball.

 

EXIT JIM

 

Camera SWINGS back to PAM. She is still holding her spoon in mid-air, the yoghurt in serious danger of spilling onto her cardigan. She eventually turns to the camera with wide eyes.

 

END OF SHOW

Chapter End Notes:
In Khuzdul, the Dwarfish language, ‘Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul’ means ‘I spit upon your grave.’

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