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Author's Chapter Notes:
Second grade?!

First days felt hard. No, impossible. To Pam, first days felt like working on a drawing, only for someone to pull it from her halfway through, no matter how comfortable she was or how much she liked it. They made her anxiously fold her arms over her stomach and her throat feel like it was closing. As if someone took a string and tightened the sewn thread on her lips and threw a frog into her throat while they were at it. It made the rains of anxiety bring flash floods.


Yet, Jim was here. He didn’t try to remove the rain, didn’t fight it or get upset when she didn’t use an umbrella. Instead, he helped her dry her off, with her shivering from the soaking anxiety, and reassured that the damage of her quietness was not sufficient enough for him to be upset. He sometimes brought it to a drizzle, panic still rushing through her but no longer torrential. 


Pam was terrified, no appetite for her meals and no sleep. Helene knew her daughter had a hard time as summer came to an end, but that never stopped her from being concerned. Pam was sleepless and hungry, only making her anxiety take advantage of her vulnerability. Yet, this year Pam was was able to take a few deep breaths. Pam was still overly tense and alert, but knowing Jim would be there boosted her tolerance of the uncertainty. If he was there with her, he had enough courage to share. Helene knew Jim leaving more than just an erasable pencil mark on her, he was leaving permanent marker. 


School was never easy for Pam, she associated it with isolation and anxiety. She was invisible to everyone, but Jim must have found a way to see the invisible ink. He found a way to read the invisible ink with the words unspoken. 


••


Pam clutched Helene’s fingers as they walked through the school and Helene could feel her fingers begin to tingle with numbness. The consistency of the school and the familiar place soothed her nerves, but the new teacher and classroom was an overwhelming thought for second grade Pam. Helene had to leave quickly, before Pam become anxious for the separation and Helene still had to take Penny to the first grade classroom.


They eventually reached room 107, Mr. Flenderson’s room. Pam tightened her grip, making Helene wince. She pulled a tentative Pam through the door frame and allowed the two to take in the room. It was bland, a pale blue color with posters of maps and numbers. It was taunting her thoughts with the simplicity that her complex, nervous thoughts lacked. The desks were neatly lined into rows. 

“Um… hey. I’m Mr. Flenderson, I guess,” an awkward voice said behind them, Pam jumped a little as her already alert mind triggered. Helene look up from Pam to see Mr. Flenderson.

“Hello there! I’m Helene and this is Pam,” Helene answered, “I’m sure you recall the meeting we had to discuss her talking habits.”

“Ah yes, Pam! Nice to meet you. The boy of there, Jim requested that he be seated next to you.”

Pam’s eyes followed his line of sight to see the tall boy with brown, messy hair. His parents already left and he was chatting away. Next to him was a girl with brown, straight hair, with it done perfectly. 


Once Helene saw Jim, relief circulated through her. She placed a hand on Pam’s shaking shoulder and she spun around. 

“Go sit with Jim, ok kiddo? I got to take Penny now,” Helene whispered.

The rain of anxiety came in the form of salty tears at the tip of her eye. Helene’s heart broke a little, but she knew the faster she left the easier it would be. She kissed Pam on forehead and promptly gave a look to Mr. Flenderson to motion she was leaving then tipped her head to Pam to get him to keep his eyes on her. She reassured herself that the office had her number if Pam panicked.


Pam used the end of her sleeve to wipe the tears verging from her green eyes. She wanted to be sure no one could see them, emotions meant attention. She used every ounce of courage stored in her small self to take steps to the two at the desk. She pressed her nails into her sweaty palms. 

“Pam! I missed you!” Jim threw his arms around her. They hadn’t seen one another over the summer since Jim went to his grandparents back in Philly over the summer, and Pam was unable to ask for his number so the two could stay in touch. At first Pam stiffened and stepped back at the touch, then relaxed into it. He pulled himself from her, “this is Karen! She just moved here, cool right?” 

Pam tensed, rubbing strands of her honey gold hair between her index finger and thumb as Karen looked to her. Her mind felt heavy with surging thoughts and she crossed her ankles as if to regain her balance. 

“Nice to meet you,” Karen mumbled, looking Pam up and down. Pam gave a response of silence.

“Hello..?” Karen prompted.

Pam looked at her new sneakers. They were white and simple. She avoided the eye contact, contact only made her eye sight blurry and her lip get chewed up. Pam could feel the judgment, she didn’t need to see it in her eyes. 

Jim let them stand in a few second in silent then spoke up, “ok, we need to plan a new prank. Ya know… to initiate Dwight into the second grade. Maybe a helicopter could come get him…” 

Karen stood stern, her face offering no insight. Pam felt a familiar shiver run through her, but it was interrupted as Jim gave Pam a warming “classics Jim” smile.

Pam held the straps of her backpack, rocking herself soothingly from foot to foot.

On the playground, one of the swings had gotten fuller momentum, leaving the other behind. 


Chapter End Notes:
Love that somehow my fic of second graders has drama…

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