When Roy asked her to go to the office Christmas party with him, she said ok.
He'd come up so hesitantly, and asked so sweetly, and she'd been so tired of being Strong, Independent Pam, so tired of Not Caring every time Karen and Jim exchanged looks across the room--looks that he used to save for her--that it was nice just to think someone wanted to be with her. So when he asked she looked down and whispered, "Ok." It was so soft that he asked her to say it again, so she looked up, finally looking him in the eye, and said it again, stronger: "Ok."
He smiled, lighting up like she'd made him the happiest man in the world. And even that was wrong, it was the wrong man, she'd only given him such a tiny scrap but was that leading him on? Even if she'd lost her chance with Jim forever she couldn't go back to Roy--she just couldn't. That time was over now. She couldn't be that person anymore.
But she was tired of being the person she was, the one who had to go to parties alone, so Roy picked her up for the party and they went together and he told her she was beautiful and looked at her like he meant it, like she was the most important thing in the world, and it broke her heart just a little more that he didn't do this back when he was supposed to. She wanted to yell at him for all the things he wasn't before, but she wasn't sure if she was really mad at him or at herself for putting up with it for so long, for--
For all of it.
*****
She makes it 15 minutes into the party before her stomach starts to lurch. She can't seem to turn around without seeing them, Jim in a new sweater she's never seen before, Karen in an elegant dress, looking far more beautiful than Pam has ever been able to pull off. They're half-dancing, half-chatting near the music blasting from Michael's boombox, so Pam goes to get a drink, but Karen chooses that moment to get a drink of her own, so Pam turns, heads toward Roy, but he's headed toward Daryl who's chatting with the other warehouse guys just two feet away from Jim and she can't do it: she can't be that close to him while he waits for Karen.
Roy notices she's hanging back so he comes to see how she is--he never wouldn't have been so attentive before, it's so unfair that now that she just wants him to look away he won't stop watching her. Her stomach lurches again--or is it her heart?--when Karen comes back to Jim with two drinks and he leans in to kiss her while taking his drink and she can't do this, she can't, she can't, and she turns and flees the room, leaving Roy looking stunned behind her.
She makes it as far as the hallway, just past the elevators, and then all she can do is fall against the wall, sliding down until she's sitting. And crying, head in her hands, sobbing so hard she can't breathe. And the fact that she can't even keep it together at an office party just makes her cry harder.
Roy comes up to her, crouches down, puts a hand lightly on her shoulder, says: "Pammy, what's wrong?"
He doesn't know. He still just doesn't see it at all.
"I can't--" she says. She has no idea how to explain any of this to him, if she even should.
"Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you, ok? Just tell me so I can help."
"You can't," she says, looking at him finally, shaking her head a little. "You just can't."
He sighs, leans back on his heels and takes his hand away. Keeps watching her.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "It's just...this isn't about you at all."
He runs his hands through his hair, and when he looks at her again there are tears just beginning to form in his eyes.
He didn't cry when she broke up with him, when she ended things. But he's crying now.
"Please just go," she says. "It'll be better if you go now."
"Right," he says, standing up. His voice is shaking. He doesn't want to leave, she can tell. He stares at her for a long time and she thinks he's going to do something--hug her, kiss her, shake her, pick her up and carry her out of there--but he doesn't. He turns and he walks away, back into the party.
She holds her breath for as long as she can, watching the door he just went through. Then she has to breathe again, in gasps and sputters, and her breath catches in her throat, and she thinks of him going back in there and staring at Jim and Karen and hating Jim for breaking them up, and then breaking her heart--but he doesn't know, he still doesn't see it, so he wouldn't know to hate him. And then she's crying all over again.
*****
When Roy walks back into the party he heads straight for Jim. Taps his shoulder, says, "Hey, Halpert?"
Jim turns away from Karen, looks at Roy with just a hint of confusion. "Yeah?" he asks, a little cautiously.
"Look, uh..." Roy hesitates, looking down, but then looks Jim in the eye again. "Pam's--she's in the hallway, and she's really upset, and I don't know why, and she won't--she won't let me help her anymore, you know? And I just thought, uh, you know, I thought, since you guys were always so close, maybe you could--maybe she'd let you--? Maybe you could go see...?" He looks so nervous, so concerned. Jim still isn't used to this kinder, gentler Roy.
"I don't know if--I don't know if I can do anything. We haven't been real close, since I left."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, but..." Roy looks at him pleadingly. "She's really upset."
Jim pauses for a long moment, frozen in place. He's pulled out of it when Karen puts her hand on his shoulder, says, "You should go see. If you can help."
"It's not that simple," Jim whispers, looking Karen in the eye. She doesn't know--or rather, he hasn't told her. He doesn't know what anyone knows, anymore, Karen, or Roy. Or Pam, or himself. He wishes now he'd said something to Karen so she would know what it all meant here, now, so she wouldn't be asking him to do impossible things.
"Sure it is," she says. "You go, you see if you can help. If she'll tell you what's wrong. That's all. Doesn't have to be some big production."
Well, no--everything between Jim and Pam is a big production--it's everything just below the surface, never let out, that's big and scary and--and he's not sure he can face it right this second.
But it's Pam, and she's crying in the hallway, and he has to go and see what's wrong.
*****
Jim doesn't face her like Roy did--instead he sits next to her, his own back against the wall next to her. She can feel his soft sweater against her arm. She wants to throw herself at him, literally, but she can't do it. Not fair, not right.
"Roy told me you were out here," he says softly. "He thought maybe I could help."
She can't help it--she starts sobbing harder, because now he's here because Roy sent him because--she just can't handle this.
"What did he do this time?" Jim asks. "I've never seen you so upset."
She can't believe he thinks--but of course he does, it's all he knows. So she forces herself to raise her head and look him in the eye. "Roy didn't--" she begins, but that's all she can get out. She puts her head back down in her hands, tries again to steady her breathing.
She can feel how tense he is beside her. He must have figured it out--they've gotten so good over all these years at reading each other, seeing or ignoring the things beyond the words. He must understand. --But they've been apart now, and everything's changed, and maybe he really can't tell.
"So what's--"
"Just go," she says for the second time tonight. She's still having trouble breathing, and can't get more than a couple words out before her diaphragm or throat or something spasms and forces air in instead of out. "Just go--back--to your girlfriend."
"Oh," he says. And then his arm is around her shoulders, pulling her toward him, and she lets him, resting her cheek against his chest. She's getting her tears all over him but he doesn't seem to mind, just holds her close in his arms and leans his chin against her head.
"We don't--we never say--so I didn't--" he takes a deep breath. "I never know what we..."
She nods her head against her chest, but she's still crying too hard to say anything. She keeps crying for a long time, and he lets her.
"We'll figure this out," he says finally, his voice a little rough like he's been crying, too. "We'll fix this. We'll make things okay."
And she wants to ask, "How?" because it's too complicated, there are all these other people all wrapped up in it, Karen and Roy and the whole office, in a way, and there's no way to do this without someone getting hurt, and why should it be Karen and not her? Karen never broke his heart.
But she's breathing again, against his chest, and he used "we" and he meant him and her and maybe--maybe. She lets the hope uncurl itself, spread back into her chest where just a moment ago all she had was pain.
Author's Chapter Notes:
The Merger made me want to cry. So I made Pam cry. Sorry, Pam. But she feels a little better now, and so do I.
I utterly failed to come up with a decent title. Suggestions for improvement are welcome.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
I utterly failed to come up with a decent title. Suggestions for improvement are welcome.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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