She comes up with the plan the night after his first day back. She'd been trying to sleep, but her brain wouldn't stop going back over every last word, every facial expression, every pause.
And then the idea hits her. What to do. So she latches onto that, tweaks the details in her mind, makes lists of the things she would need to pull it off.
She never intends to actually do it, but in the next few days she finds her mind wandering back the the idea, playing with it more, going over it again and again. It's her escape, the one bright spot in the long tense days made more difficult by Jim's awkwardness whenever he's required to interact with her. Every once in awhile, though, she'll make a joke and he'll let his guard down and laugh, really laugh, and then she lets herself keep dreaming about it. And preparing.
It's on an evening about a week later that she suddenly realizes how few people are around--just Jim and Andy and Angela and Dwight, and herself of course--and today just might be the day. If she were going to do it. Which she will never, ever have the guts to do. Andy and Dwight remain at their desks for a good half-hour, staring at each other, each determined to stay longer than the other. Then Angela gets up and leaves, and gives Dwight a very intense look on her way out. Dwight lasts a full two minutes before he follows Angela out. Andy makes a very self-satisfied noise and goes to stare out the window to watch Dwight drive off before he, too, heads out the door.
And then it's just Pam and Jim and she wonders if he can hear her heart pounding. She could do this. She has everything she needs, all ready to go. She could do it right now. She could--
She looks up at him, holds her breath. As if sensing her eyes on him, he turns to look at her. She offers him a nervous smile, and he smiles back, just a tiny smile, before turning back to his computer. Her heart jumps at the sight of his smile, and then she decides. She's going to do it.
She starts playing the song before she can change her mind again. And now it's too late. Even if she stops the song now he'll know something's up. So she just has to go through with it.
It's about twenty seconds in when he turns around again.
"You're playing ABBA," he says.
"Yes," she replies. "Yes I am."
"You're playing ABBA," he repeats.
"I like it," she says. "It's upbeat."
"Yes," he agrees. "It is definitely...upbeat."
"Do you want me to turn it off?" she asks.
He pauses, as if considering it, then narrows his eyes to stare at her. "What are you up to, Beesly?"
She bites her lip. She can't believe she's really doing this.
"I'm taking a chance," she says.
Then she grabs the paper airplane she's folded and throws it onto his desk. She will never, ever tell him about the evening she sat here, practicing that. It lands just the way she wanted, though, and he turns and looks at it. The outside has been carefully, lovingly decorated, with little windows along the sides and a pilot in the front window, and the tops of the wings say "UNFOLD" and "READ". So he does. It's the inside that's important, full of words she's written and rewritten. She can't stand to watch him read it so she tells him, "I'll be right back," and hurries into the break room.
While she's in there, making the grilled cheese sandwiches and putting them on a paper plate, she refuses to let herself look out at him. She's afraid he's going to leave, or tell her she's too late, or--something. But she's started this now, so it's too late to back out. She's just going to keep going, and see what happens. Fancy New Beesly takes chances. Goes with the flow.
When she comes back out with the sandwiches, she can tell he's finished reading the letter, but he's still staring at it, smiling, head bobbing slightly to the song, which has started over again.
Then he looks up and smiles at her. She can't help skipping a little as she walks up to his desk and puts down the plate. She pulls up another chair.
"So," he says. "You did catch the part where I said I was kind of dating someone, right?"
"Yes. But then I thought about it, and I decided it would be better to tell you now when you're kind of dating someone than later when you're engaged, or something."
"Right." He looks away, and then reaches out and grabs a sandwich and starts eating. She sits still, every muscle in her body pulled tense, waiting for him to speak again. The song starts playing again from the beginning. He frowns. "You have that thing on loop."
"I was going to make a whole mixed cd, you know, with lots of songs, but what do you follow ABBA with?"
"What indeed," he agrees.
She stands up suddenly. "So. You wanna dance?"
"I'm not done eating," he says, grabbing another sandwich.
"Right," she says, sitting down and eating a sandwich of her own. She can't really taste it; all of her consciousness is focused on staring at Jim.
"So," he says, looking towards her note.
"You don't have to answer right away," she says. "I mean, no pressure, right? Not really, anyway. I mean. I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you. I just--I wanted you to know. How I felt. So that we knew. And could talk and clear the air and--whatever. When you're ready. I just wanted you to know."
"It's kind of--I mean. I don't know what I mean. I haven't really let myself think--"
"But now you can. Think about it. Because now you know where I stand."
"Yes."
"Do you know where you stand?"
He smiles, almost sadly, and finally looks at her. "Beesly, I couldn't stop loving you if--" He pauses for a moment. "I can't even come up with a good ending to that sentence. I couldn't stop loving you."
Her heart flutters. She feels giddy, like all the molecules in her body are shaking independently. She loves him and he knows it and he loves her and he will always love her and he's admitting it to her.
"So you think maybe--maybe I could forgive you for turning my life upside-down and then walking away and you could forgive me for not changing everything fast enough and we could be okay?"
"Yeah," he says. "I think we can try that."
Then she's standing and he's standing and their arms are wrapped around each other and she's laughing into his chest and he's spinning her around and around to the music.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I was playing with this other idea entirely, much angstier, and in it Jim says, "What are you doing?" and Pam says, "Taking a chance. On you." and then I got the ABBA song stuck in my head (takeachancetakeachancetakeachance), and then...this happened.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended
kaywinnit is the author of 3 other stories.
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